i dreamt we spoke again

the world seems crazy bright lately. it’s almost blinding. kind of annoying, like a super sunny day, light in my eyes.

i’m still waiting on my first choice college to decide my fate. i emailed the admissions advisor and he said it should be some time this coming week now. he totally said that a couple of weeks ago. i’m hopeful tho.

i know my college career was rocky at first, and i didn’t have the best grades or gpa, but for once i feel motivated to try again. hit restart and just forget that person i was.

the advisor asked me about when i started school, and what the reason was for my shitty grades. well, he phrased it more tactfully. so i issued a personal statement for the admissions committee explaining my past and how i am presently in a much better place, and have a support system and medication/treatment plan in place, and am much more compliant, accepting with my diagnosis, and willing to seek help.

ugh and then, of course, i second guess myself. am i in a better place? i want to be so bad right now. i want to begin again. i want to be better. if not for myself, then for other people in my life. that’s probably the worst thing about it though: i still don’t really value myself enough to do things for the sake of my wellbeing. i still go through the motions for the people around me. i need to work on that whole self-regard thing. i will get there though. i have people rooting for me. i will decide to do the same. i deserve it.

i haven’t been working much, and it’s been driving me a bit stir-crazy, but if that’s the worst thing i have going for me, i’m good. plus i think it is a good sign it has been weighing on me, as i have more energy and more motivation. i just want to do something, get moving forward. so yeah, things are looking up.



after all the laughter, emptiness prevails

my therapist got a new puppy, as one of her dogs died. she loves daschunds. his name is murphy. he is still too young to know his name, and so he just kind of ignores ya, unless you seem really interesting, or are wearing shoes that are fun to bite (i was). she brought him on friday. here he is in all of his glory:


no photo could ever capture how tiny and precious he is.

i got mad at my mom the other day. totally blew up at her through text. stupid sarah…

now i’m terrified. she’s coming home later today. it’s about 7, i’ve been up for a few hours. i work later today. she hasn’t texted me back at all.

in good news, i’ve been talking to nafees, that guy from pakistan. he seems happy, which i’m happy about. the place he lives is gorgeous. i remember researching swat when i knew him years ago. queen elizabeth visited it once, decades ago, and referred to it as the switzerland of the east, due to the idyllic mountain scenery.

i remember describing to him the black hills in south dakota when i was about to take a trip there. lol the closest thing to mountains i’d ever experienced. i mean, i’ve been to switzerland, but airports don’t count.

i’ve been watching cartoons in my spare time. it’s sad. i’ve run outta good grown-up shows. well, i’ve been watching a show called killing eve, which i find funny, though i’m not sure it’s always supposed to be funny.

the cartoons i choose to watch are steven universe, which was actually a show i didn’t initially “get”. i retried it months later, and then got hooked on it. the second show is star vs. the forces of evil, which is so different than what i thought it would be. it kind of reminds me of a magical girl style anime, but better. i didn’t like it at first but someone online recommended it, and i wanted to see it through. and before i knew it, i’d run out of episodes. i will be the first to admit i’m childish, but at least the childish things i partake of have actual plots. i mean, there are a few standalone episodes, but they fit in with the grand scheme in their own way.

whatever. both shows are on hiatus right now, and so i’m sad. i think i’m going to try taking up watercolor painting again. i suck at it, it’s hard. but i’m going to try. lol, i could paint fanart. hahaha. i always wanted to be that kind of person.

i’m still waiting to hear back from the college i applied for. i sent them my official previous college transcripts and everything, and they’ve received them, and now i just gotta wait.

when you’re lonely, press play

the trick is to act not just okay, but better than okay. aim for happy, upbeat. smile, laugh, make jokes. it’s easy once you get used to it. even if i’ve just been crying, cutting, thinking about suicide, i can go out and laugh enough, smile enough, lie enough so that nobody would ever suspect. i do warn though, it makes it feel worse, once you’re alone and you can let the mask fall. every friendship feels fake to me because it essentially is faked, by me, quite well. and then while i’m alone i just know that i’ve really always been alone.

last night sucked. night just sucks. i woke up over and over, until it felt like i spent more time trying to fall back asleep than actually sleeping.

ugh, i skipped class all last week. i suck. not to excuse it, i’ve just felt awful lately. i don’t know if this is just a depressive episode or i’m sick or a combination of the two, but i just feel like there’s nothing good in me right now and like nothing is worth doing. but i’m buckling down, doing all the work i have due tomorrow, and studying for the two tests i have tomorrow.

i ran into my stupid professor at work the other day and felt all bad and wrong for missing class a couple of days before. whoops.

easter is stupid. i did nothing for it. celebrations are dumb. being happy is a lie or a dream. i’m aiming for numb now. i’ve said it before, it’s better than this. lol i sound so bitter and sad it’s funny. this too shall probably pass.

i only make jokes to distract myself from the truth

so i’m doing okay.

some days blow through my fingers like sand and some seem to just tick by slow as a mountain.

i switched out my super huge, heavy comforter for a lighter duvet as it’s been in the 40s for a few days (heat wave, yo), and i’m still trying to get used to not being able to kick out, stretch out, toss and turn without losing covers.

it’s around 7:40 in the evening now, and i worked this morning until 1, and then i went shopping, then i came home and me and my mom made lentil and squash patties, stuffed them in pitas, and made a salad, baked parsnips, et cetera. it’s one of those home delivery deals that we’re trying out, where the company sends the ingredients and the recipe and you make the meal. lol my mom was always curious, and i daresay i was also, a little. and it was pretty good. i’m a super finicky eater, especially when it comes to meat and seafood so we got the vegan option just to be safe. i liked the food but not sure it is worth the price.

i daydreamed all through the CO procedures, pretending i was somewhere else. that i wasn’t alone. ugh but i am. everywhere. class is kind of weighing on me because i feel the usual cliche feelings: i’m not like the other kids. for one, i’m not a kid anymore. i just feel like i have more on my mind than them. but this is a fleeting feeling. i know they have things on their mind too, important things. but i just get so exhausted from trying to be friends with everyone, that i get overwhelmed and discouraged when no one responds in kind. PLS RESPOND.

i miss certain people, a lot. but i don’t wanna think about that, so i’m done.

love radiates throughout life’s charade

it all started when my grandma messaged me on facebook, asking me if i was coming up to dell rapids for xmas. i texted my dad, asking if he and liz and thomas were going. of course he says yeah, and do i wanna go too. i said, well yeah. but i worked the 23rd and they were going there on the 22nd.

sooo. i then asked the two other people who work CO if they would cover my shift. both were going to be out of town that day, one with family and one in ames at the store there. so. i was let down, out of sorts, sad. but then i remembered jessie, who i hadn’t seen for a while, and who used to work CO (i even trained her). i didn’t even know if she still worked there, but i checked the lineup and her name was down, she just didn’t have any hours.

i happen to have her number, and so i texted her, and she said she would totally cover my shift. so i finally texted my dad, two days after the initial text, that i would be able to come.

what a rollercoaster of emotion.

oh, and i got 99% on my james baldwin essay, which is stellar.


music is my dead end, music’s my imaginary friend

the god of small things bookity-book is coming to a close. no spoilers here.

class is a few weeks from being done. i’m not complaining. it’s been a difficult semester to stay engaged in, despite liking the classes and wanting to succeed. i just couldn’t, completely. ohs wells. c’est la vie. it is what it is. just accept it and move on.

i’m not sure what i’m gonna be doing for xmas. i haven’t heard from my dad. lol, i guess i haven’t called him either. so i might be going to lawrence, might be staying here. probably staying here. i wish i could go to my dad’s and stay there for like a week, but i would regret it once i got there. i just don’t know how to fit into their family. the dynamic is all off with me there. like they fight too much, argue about stupid things. i hate it. i need harmony. thomas is able to ignore it pretty well, because he is cooped up in his room playing dota or whatever the kids are up to these days. i don’t know.

plus i just have crap i have to deal with here. i’m a mess, literally and figuratively.

i’m mad about everything deep down. just plain angry. and when i’m mad, i cry. talk about emotional unintelligence.

i’ve been trying to make friends at school, playing the classic sarah jokester persona. where everything’s entertaining, life is a farce. it works surprisingly well. but i’m a sucker at committing. once we’re facebook friends, i’m unlikely to make direct contact ever again. lol, i’ll like your status, but i won’t physically talk to you ever again. unless i run into you, accidentally. then i’ll be delighted. life is full of happy accidents. most people are forgettable to me, while remaining completely unforgettable. i choose to forget, i make myself forget. because i just assume most people (all people) don’t care about me as much as i care about them. the lie i tell myself is that i don’t care, that i actually hate people. but most of them, i like. but deep down i’m that invisible little girl still. so i close my eyes in kind, and i don’t see them either.

all the noise, all the voices never stop

dismantling the status quo. french, british mandate. american mandate. 

what is good? does one make sure to do everything one can to ensure that good prevails, even if that means compromising with one’s own conscience? or do we just sit and hope?

got bootsie the other day to babysit. he is adorable. the other cats are being mean to him. he’s so easygoing though, he just lets them follow him around as they hiss at him.


i worked the weekend. it was okay. i don’t really know what to say about anything, but i’ll keep typing anyway.

went to see amy on friday. she’s my psychiatrist. i don’t remember what meds she put me on and took me off of. couldn’t remember five minutes after the appointment. i should have taken notes. i feel like a guinea pig. i don’t work tomorrow or tuesday.

lol, rereading this garbage, and i sound really stupid, monotonous and downtrodden. which i am.

i thought i could trust lucy, our dog, to be good when my stepdad dropped me off at work this morning. we left her downstairs, to her own devices instead of shutting her in my room. and she dug through the kitchen trash, scattering peach pits and other gross refuse all over the place.. lol all brent had to do was say her name when he got home and lucy went trotting up the stairs. she knew she was in trouble, and she stayed upstairs until i got home, parked safely in my room. all i had to do at work was the cash office crap, so i was only gone until around 1.

its almost 7, so i’m going to wind down for a few hours before i go to sleep. there’s a lot of dumb details of life on my mind, so i’m going to drug myself up. self-medication time.

ooh, for my mom’s bday brent found a woman on etsy who draws pet portraits, and so i took a picture of lucy, and we are going to have it drawn and framed. pretty sweet idea on his part, and sweet picture of luce on mine. she’s a good pupper. may she never leave us.