wish I could speak in just one sweep, what you are and what you mean to me

i’m kind of irritable lately but i hide it really well. my mom is kind of irritable, and she is not so great at hiding it. she snaps at me, interrupting my constant stream of shitty jokes, and then she makes some excuse for snapping, then tries to be funny. i laugh and go along with it. i am so sick of feeling like all i am is a bother to others, an annoyance. i look forward to my bi-weekly therapist visit because it’s the only time i sort of feel like someone is listening to me. and that will end soon when we move. no more therapist for a while. i don’t even know why i bother talking otherwise. i might become mute, i’ve decided.

i’ve been trying to keep busy. there’s a lot to do and it’s overwhelming. i don’t know where to start on a lot of things.

so i sit and stare a lot, eyes unfocused, looking at nothing, thinking about nothing.

i still haven’t told my dad we’re moving. i’m in denial. i’m in denial about a lot of things tbh.

my last day of work is sunday. i’ve been there for five years. it’s gonna be wild.

 

 

so let us not talk falsely now

we are catsitting bootsie again for a couple of weeks. he is the cutest. though he is easy to trip over as he will follow ya around anywhere. lol i caught a pic of him with his tongue out:

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the moving process is really getting to my mom. there is just so much to do and she doesn’t know where to start. it’s so overwhelming. today i’m going to start changing out doorknobs for her at least. i don’t actually know how to yet, but i figure there’s a youtube video for that.

her interview in virginia went really well. she was offered the job and more: they said she should also apply for a supervisory position that was open, as she would most likely get it instead. she is happy, but would probably be starting november 10, which is looming too close for comfort.

i’m most likely going to give my two weeks notice sometime in the next few days, which is crazy. i just got a pin and a certificate that shows that i have been there for five years. insanity. i always tell people i meant to quit within the first few weeks and just never followed through.

it rains constantly. i love it, i hate it. there are worms out everywhere, covering the sidewalk and even the street. i feel a stupid hero thing where i feel as though i have to rescue every single stupid one or i’m a moderately bad person, but i try to ignore it. i try to tell myself that you can’t save every single thing in the world. lol i guess i’m moderately bad then.

years ago at my aunt’s house in the minnesota countryside, in the barn, i was alone. my mom and aunt were in town, getting groceries or something. there was a kitten that was fading, dying rapidly for seemingly no reason. it was probably around 7 weeks old? i was around 7 or 8 years old, and was so confused and terrified.

my cousin was supposed to be watching me but was upstairs playing video games with his friend. i remember bringing the kitten inside and bundling it up in a towel, as it was growing so cold. i checked its gums, not knowing really what to do. they were so pale. ha, i even brought the kitten back into the barn to its mother, who was an untame feral. in my helplessness, i hoped she would somehow help it. but she wouldn’t come near. i tried giving the kitten water, but it was totally lethargic and wouldn’t drink.

so anyway, the kitten ended up dying within the hour. i was heartbroken. i brought it out to the end of the grove, where a soybean field met the trees. i buried it, still wrapped in the towel, under an oak as the sun set.

i don’t know if i told my mom right away about the kitten. i felt like it was my fault, even at that idiotic age. probably more so than i would now. kids are rather irrational and simplistic about blame i suppose. i held a grudge against my cousin for years for not being there for me.

i think instances in my life like that one kitten have shaped my moral compass rather severely. i had bad anxiety even swimming in my grandma’s pool growing up as i felt the need to rescue drowning insects, feeling like if i failed to try, i was losing sight of the preciousness of even the smallest life.

idk, i think it’s probably some sort of disorder, haha. i wish i was humblebragging or the like, but i actually find this whole quality of mine detrimental instead of helpful in most instances. i am all too ready to let myself suffer emotionally or physically if it means helping someone or something else. i have a terrible perspective on the measure of other lives versus my own. it usually ends up hurting me in the long run. awareness is suffering, existence is pain, yadda yadda yadda. i guess i just feel like if you help, sometimes it’s useless and for nothing. but how do you know until you try? and if i didn’t try, i’d regret it. if i do try, sometimes i regret it too tho. so try, don’t try. who really cares. i’ll probs feel a bit bad no matter what i do. might as well continue trying for the sake of neurotic consistency.

 

she’s a simple girl. she’s governed by simple pleasures

we purchased new appliances for the kitchen. it’s funny, we wanted to redo the kitchen forever ago, but now that we’re moving and selling the place, now we actually find the time and energy to do it. we are getting new counters and having the cabinets painted.

we’re also painting the basement, as the colors were orange and black (giants) previously. it’s almost done. took like three coats of primer to cover the black.

it’s almost sunken in that we are moving. i have only told a couple of people at work that i am leaving eventually. i have not broken the news to my dad yet, and i’m not sure how to. it’s ridiculous. it’s like dealing with telling a kid bad news, i have no idea how mature he is going to be about it.

adam and his girlfriend visited from minneapolis. i really like her. she fits in. she is funny and a little strange, and doesn’t put up with adam’s attitude. i think she is a microbiology major, but initially wanted to be a veterinarian. she recently got a job in a hospital. adam is still dealing with garbage with his whole emt recertification or something, the usual hoop-jumping we all inevitably do to continue living.

we still don’t know where we will be moving to, precisely.. it will all come down to where my mom gets a job. we will probs settle on virginia, as it seems to have larger lots and more wooded areas, lol. plenty of space from the neighbors. reservedness/slight misanthropy seems to run in my family.

and i’m continuing at my usual pace. a little up, down, forward, back. a little bit of bravado, mostly hesitation. mostly i’m filling my time with working on the house. for instance, i spent a solid few hours sorting our dvds by ones to keep and ones to donate to the library. then i got a dvd binder on amazon. then i alphabetized the few hundred left that brent insisted on keeping and put them in the binder. by the time i was almost done, i was getting sloppy with my alphabetizing.

tyler is my half-brother, and his dad’s father died. his dad is a distant bastard, never really involving himself overtly in tyler’s life. explains tyler’s chip on his shoulder. so his grandfather was like the closest thing he had to a good father. for the several months after his stroke, tyler’s grandpa didn’t even remember tyler. as tyler put it, it felt as if he was already gone. but then he went and died, this time for real and forever, and it is all really sad. i don’t know, i guess i’m bad at articulating feelings, but i think it surprised tyler, the way the loss hit him. i bet he didn’t expect he would feel it so sharply. he even said ‘love you too’ to my mom the past few times she talked to him on the phone. shocking stuff.

things continue to go whether i like it or not, so i’m going to continue to go with them i guess. there’s just so much to do. and i don’t want to do any of it. so it’s hard to know where to start. i made a list of dreaded tasks related to moving, and i’m slowly crossing things off. so things continue to go.

 

i dreamt we spoke again

the world seems crazy bright lately. it’s almost blinding. kind of annoying, like a super sunny day, light in my eyes.

i’m still waiting on my first choice college to decide my fate. i emailed the admissions advisor and he said it should be some time this coming week now. he totally said that a couple of weeks ago. i’m hopeful tho.

i know my college career was rocky at first, and i didn’t have the best grades or gpa, but for once i feel motivated to try again. hit restart and just forget that person i was.

the advisor asked me about when i started school, and what the reason was for my shitty grades. well, he phrased it more tactfully. so i issued a personal statement for the admissions committee explaining my past and how i am presently in a much better place, and have a support system and medication/treatment plan in place, and am much more compliant, accepting with my diagnosis, and willing to seek help.

ugh and then, of course, i second guess myself. am i in a better place? i want to be so bad right now. i want to begin again. i want to be better. if not for myself, then for other people in my life. that’s probably the worst thing about it though: i still don’t really value myself enough to do things for the sake of my wellbeing. i still go through the motions for the people around me. i need to work on that whole self-regard thing. i will get there though. i have people rooting for me. i will decide to do the same. i deserve it.

i haven’t been working much, and it’s been driving me a bit stir-crazy, but if that’s the worst thing i have going for me, i’m good. plus i think it is a good sign it has been weighing on me, as i have more energy and more motivation. i just want to do something, get moving forward. so yeah, things are looking up.

 

 

after all the laughter, emptiness prevails

my therapist got a new puppy, as one of her dogs died. she loves daschunds. his name is murphy. he is still too young to know his name, and so he just kind of ignores ya, unless you seem really interesting, or are wearing shoes that are fun to bite (i was). she brought him on friday. here he is in all of his glory:

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no photo could ever capture how tiny and precious he is.

i got mad at my mom the other day. totally blew up at her through text. stupid sarah…

now i’m terrified. she’s coming home later today. it’s about 7, i’ve been up for a few hours. i work later today. she hasn’t texted me back at all.

in good news, i’ve been talking to nafees, that guy from pakistan. he seems happy, which i’m happy about. the place he lives is gorgeous. i remember researching swat when i knew him years ago. queen elizabeth visited it once, decades ago, and referred to it as the switzerland of the east, due to the idyllic mountain scenery.

i remember describing to him the black hills in south dakota when i was about to take a trip there. lol the closest thing to mountains i’d ever experienced. i mean, i’ve been to switzerland, but airports don’t count.

i’ve been watching cartoons in my spare time. it’s sad. i’ve run outta good grown-up shows. well, i’ve been watching a show called killing eve, which i find funny, though i’m not sure it’s always supposed to be funny.

the cartoons i choose to watch are steven universe, which was actually a show i didn’t initially “get”. i retried it months later, and then got hooked on it. the second show is star vs. the forces of evil, which is so different than what i thought it would be. it kind of reminds me of a magical girl style anime, but better. i didn’t like it at first but someone online recommended it, and i wanted to see it through. and before i knew it, i’d run out of episodes. i will be the first to admit i’m childish, but at least the childish things i partake of have actual plots. i mean, there are a few standalone episodes, but they fit in with the grand scheme in their own way.

whatever. both shows are on hiatus right now, and so i’m sad. i think i’m going to try taking up watercolor painting again. i suck at it, it’s hard. but i’m going to try. lol, i could paint fanart. hahaha. i always wanted to be that kind of person.

i’m still waiting to hear back from the college i applied for. i sent them my official previous college transcripts and everything, and they’ve received them, and now i just gotta wait.

when you’re lonely, press play

the trick is to act not just okay, but better than okay. aim for happy, upbeat. smile, laugh, make jokes. it’s easy once you get used to it. even if i’ve just been crying, cutting, thinking about suicide, i can go out and laugh enough, smile enough, lie enough so that nobody would ever suspect. i do warn though, it makes it feel worse, once you’re alone and you can let the mask fall. every friendship feels fake to me because it essentially is faked, by me, quite well. and then while i’m alone i just know that i’ve really always been alone.

last night sucked. night just sucks. i woke up over and over, until it felt like i spent more time trying to fall back asleep than actually sleeping.

ugh, i skipped class all last week. i suck. not to excuse it, i’ve just felt awful lately. i don’t know if this is just a depressive episode or i’m sick or a combination of the two, but i just feel like there’s nothing good in me right now and like nothing is worth doing. but i’m buckling down, doing all the work i have due tomorrow, and studying for the two tests i have tomorrow.

i ran into my stupid professor at work the other day and felt all bad and wrong for missing class a couple of days before. whoops.

easter is stupid. i did nothing for it. celebrations are dumb. being happy is a lie or a dream. i’m aiming for numb now. i’ve said it before, it’s better than this. lol i sound so bitter and sad it’s funny. this too shall probably pass.

i only make jokes to distract myself from the truth

so i’m doing okay.

some days blow through my fingers like sand and some seem to just tick by slow as a mountain.

i switched out my super huge, heavy comforter for a lighter duvet as it’s been in the 40s for a few days (heat wave, yo), and i’m still trying to get used to not being able to kick out, stretch out, toss and turn without losing covers.

it’s around 7:40 in the evening now, and i worked this morning until 1, and then i went shopping, then i came home and me and my mom made lentil and squash patties, stuffed them in pitas, and made a salad, baked parsnips, et cetera. it’s one of those home delivery deals that we’re trying out, where the company sends the ingredients and the recipe and you make the meal. lol my mom was always curious, and i daresay i was also, a little. and it was pretty good. i’m a super finicky eater, especially when it comes to meat and seafood so we got the vegan option just to be safe. i liked the food but not sure it is worth the price.

i daydreamed all through the CO procedures, pretending i was somewhere else. that i wasn’t alone. ugh but i am. everywhere. class is kind of weighing on me because i feel the usual cliche feelings: i’m not like the other kids. for one, i’m not a kid anymore. i just feel like i have more on my mind than them. but this is a fleeting feeling. i know they have things on their mind too, important things. but i just get so exhausted from trying to be friends with everyone, that i get overwhelmed and discouraged when no one responds in kind. PLS RESPOND.

i miss certain people, a lot. but i don’t wanna think about that, so i’m done.