sleeping only makes you tired

we are leaving on friday for virginia, like it or not. ready, or not..

i still haven’t told my dad that i’m moving, lmao…. T_T

i’m working on my resume. i want to get an internship with an ngo or something similar. i don’t even care if i make any money. i just want experience, something to help me on my way. there are so many ngo opportunities in the DC area, it’s overwhelming. and little old me, i don’t think i’m at all qualified for any of them. all i have is experience in retail. i don’t even know how those skills would apply. customer service, shrink management. lol, counting money and keeping a balanced safe. no idea how any of that would make me stand out.

i had both netflix and hulu for a few months, but i cancelled them both, as i am no longer making money. my brother still has hulu through his school, because they seemed to have forgotten to cancel it or something, as he graduated. so anyway, he gave me his password to both that and his netflix password. we are so spoiled for options of things to watch, timewasters.

i’ve been watching castlevania, which, going on absolutely no foreknowledge, i thought would be a lot more lighthearted. it’s gothic and dark. i like it.

my mom is in a foul mood at all times, and the larger part of me doesn’t blame her. there is so much to do, so much going on. and she barely has any help. just me, really. i mean, i’m not in a great mood either, but i am great at hiding it.

i have been sleeping on the couch for the last coupla weeks, so my back hurts and i’m tired all the time, which is rather unfortunate in itself, but there is also a lot to do before we move. i feel like i’m no help. my stuff is basically all packed up now, and i am very little help to my mom i feel. she won’t let me do anything because like me she is a control freak, and so all i’m good for is moral support.

ooh and i went to the doctor, and apparently i have polycystic ovary syndrome. i went in just to be put on birth control because my periods are crazy irregular, and the doc asked me a few questions, did some blood tests, and a few days later i had the diagnosis. so not only are my hormones totally fucked (no wonder i’m an emotional wreck haha), also, i will probs have a hard time having children if i ever change my mind on that. so that’s great. i mean, i didn’t really want biological children, but i didn’t want the option taken away.

oh i guess i’m going to vote today. last important thing i’m going to do in iowa.

good luck to me in my endeavors.

 

born to be down

the world is like a parody that went too far with the material and lost itself in absurdity. i don’t know whether to laugh or cry so i do nothing but wring my hands and wonder where the fuck we went wrong. i wanna leave but there is no distance far enough to escape the insanity, the inanity, the injustice.

times like these remind me why i’m all anti-theology. what sick, twisted mind would come up with a world like this? maybe me, but in an ironic way. but as much as i joke about being a glorious god-queen, i don’t reckon i would be egotistical or sadistic enough to make such a cold world that, as full as it is, often feels so devoid of meaning or i don’t know; resolution or something. like, where is the clarity? we’re all among the filth and muck and we will never be clean, we’ll just be dead. sometimes the best part of a story is the end, and the world contains many of these stories.

as much as some people aspire towards something bright and white-washed pure, they are such brutal, repugnant monsters that deserve nothing but their own miserable company. do they not see what a joke it is that they pretend moral righteousness while they lie, cheat, steal, rape, murder, covet, et cetera?

i look across at the multitudes and i see nothing good among them sometimes, just lesser evils. i don’t want to be the unforgiving type, but why forgive someone when they are not asking for anything like forgiveness? they are past feelings of conscience. and i’m not here to play jiminy cricket to their lying-ass peter pan bullshit. i get sick of having to be patient and kind and understanding while on the inside i seethe and boil over. or better yet, rant online.

sorry this was so dark. i swear i’m not even down or anything. i’m past feeling anything but a slow disdainful shake of the head made into a feeling.

i’ll still see you in everything

tl; dr: i’m sad but it’s all okay. lol why didn’t i just type that to begin with. could’ve saved myself so much time.

 

i try not to say too much to people sometimes, because i’m terrified, honestly, of saying something i’ll regret. saying something wrong. even online, i kick myself sometimes for speaking up to people in forums. i am really rather opinionated, about all sorts of dumb things, but half the time people wouldn’t know it because i don’t say anything.

i have not yet regretted staying silent, but i have regretted things i have said. not to say that there’s anything wrong with standing up for what you believe in. i’m just obsessed with being right, so what if later on i find out my thought process was flawed, or i was just flat out wrong in what i said? i can’t continuously issue retractions and clarifications on things i have said. i’d look like a constantly erroneous idiot. like our president, for instance. though i couldn’t actually see he who must not be named admitting he was wrong or restating things in a clear, intelligible manner. what was it he said, again? covfefe? lol, it will always be funny and sad to me.

idk… i guess i worry too much about everything. i just gotta realize most people don’t care what i say, lol. they aren’t going to be picking apart my words and phrases with the same care in which i would.

something’s been bothering me the last few days.

my brother is actually my half-brother, with a different father than mine. his dad has turned into quite an awful person. no. he’s always been awful. he told my brother that he was a disappointment. and this is after my brother graduated college, and is going to be moving to minneapolis, minnesota to work as an emt to gain clinical hours, so he can then go to school to be a physician assistant. he is a smart, talented, capable kid, who any good father would be proud of.

but, to make it about me, as usual. i cried at the idea of my brother being told he was a disappointment, almost scoffed at it, as my mom said something similar about me being a disappointment years ago when i was at a particular low. and this was during a time when i had nobody but my mom. people just like to kick when you’re already down.

it’s ironic. her acting all angry and dismayed that he could be such a terrible person to say that to his son. as if it were anywhere near enough to the truth to hurt?! when she has said something identical to her daughter?!

i guess it’s okay to say it if it’s obviously true.

to hear her getting upset about adam’s dad, who has never been an actual father to his son, saying it to adam, who is probably the most well-rounded and well-adjusted sibling i have, i don’t know. it’s preposterous. adam has done nothing in his life but succeed. his father has no right to say anything to adam because he has done nothing to help him in his life. in no way shape or form has adam ever been a disappointment.

i remember in math class, too many years ago, my teacher saying that ‘good things happen to good people= good. bad things happening to bad people=good’ et cetera to explain multiplying positive and negative numbers. i remember thinking i must be either a bad person to feel so bad for good things happening to me, or a good person who feels bad for having bad things happen to me. lol as if life makes as much sense as math.

it simply hurts that my mom doesn’t see how much she hurt me but immediately worries about adam’s stupid feelings about his stupid dad. i don’t even think she remembers saying it to me.

but sometimes it’s all i remember. that’s what’s mind-boggling too: how can something that is so insignificant to her that she doesn’t even think of it, even when a mirror situation presents itself, be something i think of almost every day.

and why do i even care so much? i don’t know. i guess it is because my mom is probably the only person who has ever really loved me, in spite of things, unconditionally. with my dad, he loves me, but only if i act a certain way. he loves me, but only under certain conditions. i bet i could chase him away with the horror that is my reality, easy.

 

in other news, i fell into the clickhole that is youtube, watching clips from futurama. classic show, really. great moments. i’m trying to connnect this vid to something in my life, anything, to justify its presence here. here it is:

 

tagging myself: i’m the train that crashed into the other train. also, the governor lady.

 

 

 

and if love is a drug, i don’t want it, because i don’t have any self control

it’s midnight and i’m in the basement because it’s thundering a tiny bit and lucy is afraid.

i had the usual dream that has become rather unusual as my mind tries to buck away from its habitual obsessions to focus on new ones. the old ones, the old dreams are rare now, and made more precious because of it. also more poisonous.

i’m walking through a party, because i know you’re there. but you’ve left. i look everywhere, and you’re gone. you just left the room. you just turned the corner. it’s like a maze of other people smiling and laughing, and me, alone, looking for you. this time i don’t wind up outside in the snow and stars, the dream doesn’t reach this sad crescendo. it just ends with me realizing you’re not there, not anywhere near me.

the dream is a bit on the nose, lol. real life occasionally mirrors it. i find myself at get-togethers, too afraid to be obvious, to ask if you’re there. so i just wander, looking for you..and of course you’re never there. you’re somewhere else, living a different life. i guess i have to accept that.

the last time i saw you i was a different person with a different agenda, a different heart, a different mind. i didn’t know much about anything outside myself. i don’t even know who you are anymore, and i don’t know who, or how, to ask. i don’t even know why i held on to you in my mind, why i ever found comfort in thoughts of star-crossed love, brought to fruition. that path is gone. it’s dead, with all the others. i guess my mind just hasn’t caught up to reality, which is definitely a theme brought up in my life over and over.

sometimes i feel as though i don’t belong in reality anyway. i’ve spent some time apart and i don’t think it lives up to the hype. oh well. as everyone in my life keeps saying, it is what it is. and there is something so final and concrete about that, that i wanna fight it, because honestly that’s my place, i think, fighting things, ideas, concepts, truths. i sometimes just want to ignore the truth so i don’t have to fight it or accept it fully, but that never works for long. something always reminds me of you and i’m back on the stupid, gaudy, rococo train of thought that i’m pretty sure is love, and though everyone’s always spouting on about it, it is the saddest, most futile thing i’ve ever witnessed myself engaging in. so, as some wise, eloquent, probably long dead person said, that sucks.

and unfortunately i’ve found myself agreeing with the naysayers.

i’m here, and you’re merely a gesture in some vague direction to me. that’s how far apart we are, in body and mind. so yeah, sarah, give up, give in. this idea you hold is dead and you’re just sadly, obstinately oblivious to it half the time. and the other half you’re in mourning for it. just let go.

it is what it is.

before i sputter out

 

i’m so exhausted. i feel as though i’ve just travelled a very long way for nothing, and now have the journey back to deal with too.

voting tomorrow, finally. yeah, i’ve put it off until the last minute. i don’t want to vote. let us just decide i’m dictator for life from this moment on. start my own nation of one. no one else can join, i hate everyone right now. i’m a hideously disjointed monster of remorse for actions committed, or actions not commited. i don’t know sometimes whether i’m mad at myself or the world. lulz. i am the freaking world. so, both?

nah i’m not mad at anything really. i just hate feeling cornered like this. i want to feel like i have choice in my life. even the smallest things, like going to work tomorrow. i have no choice.

smh. it makes me laugh in the bitterest of ways.

thomas announced on facebook that everyone should vote hillary tomorrow. what you need to know is that thomas hates hillary clinton. that’s how much a lot of people hate trump. and then you have people voting for trump even though they hate him, because they think he is better than hillary at least. this is what this stupid place has come to. not voting for someone, but voting against someone worse. if i were just a bit more misanthropic, this would all make me cackle in glee. but i’m not, so it just makes me a bit sad.

as i was writing this, there were seven political ads in a row on tv. let it all end now, pls.