i don’t know if people realize this, but there are a lot of people in new york city. lots of kinds of people, all living in conditions as close to harmony as we’re likely to ever get. NYC: the epitome of human connection and tranquillity. lol.

i can only ever get photos of my brother if he doesn’t realize i’m taking his photo.


we stayed at a hotel in manhattan. my brother lived in brooklyn but by the time i’m writing this, should have the keys to a new apartment in manhattan.

he showed us around a lot, using the fact that brent would pay for food to get into nicer restaurants. for some reason one morning, he wanted a full english breakfast, and we wound up going to both of his picks for that option on two different days.

tyler works at an auction house, so gets free access to a few museums in the city. we went to the frick collection, which was started by a man with a lot of money and love for pleasant pictures. we were going to visit the met and guggenheim but ran out of time. we spent too much time walking around gawking at the mundane. we went to central park where i spent a lot of time trying to convince ducks that i was their friend and they could totally trust me to pet them.


i was amazed at the many, many pigeons. pigeons don’t get enough credit: they’re rather pretty. large and iridescent, with bright orange feet. yeah they’re filthy in their own way, but aren’t we all??? lmao

i saw many dogs and announced each one as it came into view. i even saw a bengal on a leash, which was rather mesmerizing.

we got the hang of taking the subway eventually and with one error in the middle of the night after the giants beat the mets. tyler did really show us around a lot of the time but then finally ended up ditching us to get back to the hotel ourselves one night. it wasn’t too difficult though.

13 innings, ugh. our seats were actually pretty impressive, even to me. they were three rows behind the giants dugout. i wish i could tell some nice story about the game, but half the time i had only a faint idea of what was going on. i did the sports thing and cheered when everyone else cheered. though, i did catch my mom cheering on accident when a giants player failed to catch the ball, so the system isn’t foolproof.


i know a few simple and random facts i picked up here and there about baseball, but the game itself eludes me for a large part. idk, there was good food. the players wore matching, fetching uniforms. baseball sure is a sport.

the first day we were in the city, i wore the wrong shoes and ended up with a massive blister on my right heel. i guess you never really know what shoes are going to be comfortable until you walk aimlessly for five miles in them.

we went to the statue of liberty and ellis island, which i must say is more depressing than i thought it would be. i mean, i should have realized. it tells a lot about the history of american immigration, which overall isn’t the happiest story if you carry too much melanin in your skin. i mean, yeah, the bad parts don’t negate the good, but the same is true the other way around. overall it was a sad and kind of haunting place. though that could just be me.

e890ee55-25ef-4978-886a-566c7a8a6082while i was there i asked myself over and over whether i would want to live there. the answer i wound up with is that i would probably get used to it. people get used to all sorts of stuff. i mean, yeah there are too many people and the price of rent is a nightmare and it takes forever to get anywhere it seems. but it was nice to visit. i was happy to get home and go grab lucy from the vets. she is worth a million new york cities.

i was kind of in a bad mood while we were in the city. sleeping poorly, waking up frequently in the middle of the night. the last day we were there i didn’t even go with the parents to eat that night, instead opting to walk to a store by myself and grab something to eat there. i was really irritable the whole trip, snapping at stupid moments. i wouldn’t say i ruined the trip, but it feels like i tried.

we found out while we were there that we are most likely moving to the washington d.c. area. my stepdad got the job there. soooo we have that adventure to look forward to i guess. how life twists and turns.




limitless, undying love which shines around me like a million suns

today was uneventful.

tyler is here from ames, asking for help with his application for sotheby’s. he’s a history major, and loves art, though he admits he carries no talent for it. it would be so cool if he could get an interview with them, because if he could get an interview, he is in. i believe in him, though he’s a jerk like me.

for a while it was looking like he would carry on in school and work to get a phd and teach, and he still might get that phd, but he said teaching just doesn’t interest him as much as learning.

haven’t heard from adam in a while. he’s going to be a physician’s assistant. he works too hard;¬†will probably end up dead one of these days from pure overexertion.

and then there’s me. yeah there’s my brother thomas, my sister kelsi, but i didn’t grow up with them around all of the time. i don’t hold them to the same standards. i don’t worry about them doing well and finding self-actualization or happiness, satisfaction or whatever. they seem to have it well under control. me though, i’m a mess.

i need to choose a course and act on it.

i still feel like i’m just waiting to die. i don’t know how to overcome that feeling.





kill me sarah, kill me again with love

i worry about everyone. i worry about my mom, who is chronically ill. i worry about my father who just lost his job so started up his own lawn service. i worry about my brother who is depressed. i worry about my other brother who just started college. and worry is such a fucking useless thing. like i don’t have enough problems reaching out from the past without the future looming out of the orange gloom ahead like a fucking monstrous preternatural being.