born to be down

the world is like a parody that went too far with the material and lost itself in absurdity. i don’t know whether to laugh or cry so i do nothing but wring my hands and wonder where the fuck we went wrong. i wanna leave but there is no distance far enough to escape the insanity, the inanity, the injustice.

times like these remind me why i’m all anti-theology. what sick, twisted mind would come up with a world like this? maybe me, but in an ironic way. but as much as i joke about being a glorious god-queen, i don’t reckon i would be egotistical or sadistic enough to make such a cold world that, as full as it is, often feels so devoid of meaning or i don’t know; resolution or something. like, where is the clarity? we’re all among the filth and muck and we will never be clean, we’ll just be dead. sometimes the best part of a story is the end, and the world contains many of these stories.

as much as some people aspire towards something bright and white-washed pure, they are such brutal, repugnant monsters that deserve nothing but their own miserable company. do they not see what a joke it is that they pretend moral righteousness while they lie, cheat, steal, rape, murder, covet, et cetera?

i look across at the multitudes and i see nothing good among them sometimes, just lesser evils. i don’t want to be the unforgiving type, but why forgive someone when they are not asking for anything like forgiveness? they are past feelings of conscience. and i’m not here to play jiminy cricket to their lying-ass peter pan bullshit. i get sick of having to be patient and kind and understanding while on the inside i seethe and boil over. or better yet, rant online.

sorry this was so dark. i swear i’m not even down or anything. i’m past feeling anything but a slow disdainful shake of the head made into a feeling.

we’re encouraged to forget, preference to be forcefed

there’re so many other voices. i don’t know what to say. i doubt anyone will hear me. i’m obviously referring to twitter here. i love twitter, i hate twitter. i have a twitter account, but the last tweet i retweeted was on election night, someone asking if it was like sports, and how it was weird that people followed sports, because if the election was like watching a sport, then sports couldn’t be that enjoyable.. it was said better by the op. i don’t really like sports, honestly, unless you count like jumping out of a plane or jumping off a building (with a parachute, duh), as sports. yeah, i’m big on jumping.

but yeah, as i said, it can always be said better by someone else. so i don’t bother tweeting anything. plus my life is killer boring and sad. so what do i tweet about? my witty observations? i don’t have any. plus i only have one twitter follower that i know in real life, so i’m lost in the twitter sea of weird and more witty strangers.

i mostly follow self-styled geopolitical analysts, lol, which should be a bigger joke in my opinion. plus journalists, and the occasional meme/satire account. i used to follow MENA conflicts much more closely than i do now, it was my obsession. but the depression^TM shut that down after a while. i’m going to start referring to my depression as the party police, except what kind of party involves following al qaeda/nusra sympathizers to see what’s up wit them. like, who parties like that? I dO.

i even learned (ahem, tried to learn) a little turkish to see if i could follow turkish journalists and other types. yeah, and that worked out great. i can now at least recognize turkish in a lineup and point it out as the language that robbed me of my valuable time and left me for dead. but understanding it written, and understanding it spoken are two different animals. plus my accent sucks, it has been implied.

lately i’ve just been liking random tweets here and there, like i’m a bot or something. i actually kind of like the idea of people thinking i’m a bot account. unless they block me or unfollow me. that would probably not feel nice. bots have feelings too, or will one day, i hope.

all the motions of ordinary love

went on twitter a few minutes ago for the first time in months. people can be so witty, and use a few words to make me smile or frown, to affect me emotionally. the problem is, there are sooo many people. too many emotions.

i mostly followed self-styled journalists and geopolitical analysts. some of them try to be right and truthful. others are total shills for governments like iran, like russia, like saudi arabia, like turkey.  sometimes it’s hard to spot the difference between a shill’s opinion, or a fact. it get’s aggravating when i’m sitting here in iowa. i followed MENA conflicts, syria in particular. but armchair general is not an ideal hobby for someone as depressed as me. so i gave up on my interest in it.

a few minutes before i logged into twitter, i finished season 2 of stranger things. it was pretty good. i then cancelled my netflix membership once again, and my subscription is up on november 28.

i’m entering a creative writing contest. it was my lit professor’s idea. i have the three pieces i’m thinking i’m gonna submit, but i am hesitant. so i will probs ask my lit professor to read them, but then i’m like,  i don’t want ANYBODY who knows me to read what i wrote. the writing is related to depression. so i made myself have my mom read them, and she said they were good and that it was worth submitting them.

dang, there’s still this stupid thought tho, that my writing is shit and people are just humoring an untalented sack of shit. let’s face it, my mom is like a shill, for me. feels bad..

what it is and where it stops nobody knows

i read a book once, the dream merchant. it was about children who worked for a company that sold ideas through the dreams of humanity, going back through time. a beautiful, nice book, but such a dangerous idea. selling ideas to people. ideas are dangerous. people are imperfect and i think they are poor holders of ideas. i for one do not want to be the poster child of my own ideas, as i am imperfect. i would be a terrible spokesperson for positivity, for self-love, even though i try my damnedest to love myself and to be positive. that’s why we love to hate on celebrities and politicos. they are such poor representations of their own ideas. people are so fickle, flighty, epically ephemeral things.

like flames in the dark dark world, we are all so swayed by the winds of societal pressures and internal strife.

i’m just blathering away here really. it’s just that sort of day.

but really i just hate propaganda lately. it all comes back to my freaking twitter feed in the end.