after all the laughter, emptiness prevails

my therapist got a new puppy, as one of her dogs died. she loves daschunds. his name is murphy. he is still too young to know his name, and so he just kind of ignores ya, unless you seem really interesting, or are wearing shoes that are fun to bite (i was). she brought him on friday. here he is in all of his glory:

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no photo could ever capture how tiny and precious he is.

i got mad at my mom the other day. totally blew up at her through text. stupid sarah…

now i’m terrified. she’s coming home later today. it’s about 7, i’ve been up for a few hours. i work later today. she hasn’t texted me back at all.

in good news, i’ve been talking to nafees, that guy from pakistan. he seems happy, which i’m happy about. the place he lives is gorgeous. i remember researching swat when i knew him years ago. queen elizabeth visited it once, decades ago, and referred to it as the switzerland of the east, due to the idyllic mountain scenery.

i remember describing to him the black hills in south dakota when i was about to take a trip there. lol the closest thing to mountains i’d ever experienced. i mean, i’ve been to switzerland, but airports don’t count.

i’ve been watching cartoons in my spare time. it’s sad. i’ve run outta good grown-up shows. well, i’ve been watching a show called killing eve, which i find funny, though i’m not sure it’s always supposed to be funny.

the cartoons i choose to watch are steven universe, which was actually a show i didn’t initially “get”. i retried it months later, and then got hooked on it. the second show is star vs. the forces of evil, which is so different than what i thought it would be. it kind of reminds me of a magical girl style anime, but better. i didn’t like it at first but someone online recommended it, and i wanted to see it through. and before i knew it, i’d run out of episodes. i will be the first to admit i’m childish, but at least the childish things i partake of have actual plots. i mean, there are a few standalone episodes, but they fit in with the grand scheme in their own way.

whatever. both shows are on hiatus right now, and so i’m sad. i think i’m going to try taking up watercolor painting again. i suck at it, it’s hard. but i’m going to try. lol, i could paint fanart. hahaha. i always wanted to be that kind of person.

i’m still waiting to hear back from the college i applied for. i sent them my official previous college transcripts and everything, and they’ve received them, and now i just gotta wait.

i gazed to the stars and this view can’t be shared

i’m feeling a bit better now that i’ve studied some and emailed one of my profs. less scattered, out of sorts. i have a mission. i have my goal. i just have to get through tomorrow.

i think i miss the days of inspiration, of words. perhaps i should read more. i have a long list of books, they seem like a chore tho. so heavy on my mind when i think of them waiting on me. i feel sometimes like there is so much waiting on me. like if i would only find the door, i could open it and be in a whole other plane of existence. if i would only look at something the right way, i could see the whole freaking aleph.

i used to think i could draw inspiration from my depression, that i could make something beautiful to hold in the darkness. but i don’t know anymore. and i’m so full of self-recrimination, blaming myself for my fickle mind. my mom told me that once, and it has echoed in my mind when i’m feeling especially low: you just don’t want to be happy.

as if i only wanted it more, it would arrive, arms wide, for a sweet embrace, and stay with me always. as if happiness is like some kind of stupid love that if you want it badly enough, you can find a way, simple as that. fuck that noise. if it were only that easy.

but that’s just the way my brain likes to work: sick, and i have to just keep forcing myself out of my oft-run tracks of thought.

i gotta say tho, one thing that annoys me right now is my meds. like, i practically have one to wake me up, one to help me sleep. and i know it’s not a weakness to need medicine, i tell myself that every freaking day. but the sly fox of a thought always sneaks up and grabs the first thought by the throat, gives it a little shake. a twig-like neck-snap later, the positivity is dead and useless to me. ’cause meds are a weakness, the fox-thought whispers. you should feel ashamed, the fox laughs.

so i do feel ashamed. i doubt i would ever name off the medications i am on to anyone other than a doctor irl, ever. ’cause that’s how much that stupid idea has gotten to me.

and around and around i go in my oft-run tracks of thought.

tonight though, i’m only half sad girl, promise.

peace, patted-shoulder fondness, and sleep. sleep, most of all.

all the motions of ordinary love

went on twitter a few minutes ago for the first time in months. people can be so witty, and use a few words to make me smile or frown, to affect me emotionally. the problem is, there are sooo many people. too many emotions.

i mostly followed self-styled journalists and geopolitical analysts. some of them try to be right and truthful. others are total shills for governments like iran, like russia, like saudi arabia, like turkey.  sometimes it’s hard to spot the difference between a shill’s opinion, or a fact. it get’s aggravating when i’m sitting here in iowa. i followed MENA conflicts, syria in particular. but armchair general is not an ideal hobby for someone as depressed as me. so i gave up on my interest in it.

a few minutes before i logged into twitter, i finished season 2 of stranger things. it was pretty good. i then cancelled my netflix membership once again, and my subscription is up on november 28.

i’m entering a creative writing contest. it was my lit professor’s idea. i have the three pieces i’m thinking i’m gonna submit, but i am hesitant. so i will probs ask my lit professor to read them, but then i’m like,  i don’t want ANYBODY who knows me to read what i wrote. the writing is related to depression. so i made myself have my mom read them, and she said they were good and that it was worth submitting them.

dang, there’s still this stupid thought tho, that my writing is shit and people are just humoring an untalented sack of shit. let’s face it, my mom is like a shill, for me. feels bad..

i wish i could make it easy

i’ve been watching steven universe. it’s so easy and wholesome, so cute. i have netflix for about a week more, then my subscription is up, as i cancelled it. i have hulu now. i’m unsure how i feel about it yet. the anime selection is bangin’. however, i’m not into anime right now. lol and then netflix went and added mindhunter, which i wanna watch eventually. but it’s a little heavy for my mind, which is now used to the sweetness of steven universe.

also i have another book lined up, which is called tool of war. i preordered it, it showed up a while ago, and now it is sitting, gathering dust on my kindle. it’s the third book in a fairly dark series. as previously phrased, i’m not really doing dark or deep or heavy stuff right now in my media consumption. life is packing enough of a punch, lol.

your class, your caste, your country, sect, your name or your tribe. there’s people always dying, trying to keep them alive

all the wrongs in this world. lol, you can’t just cobble them together and make a right. reminds me of this simpsons episode:

rights don’t look like rights on film, so they use wrongs. if they need wrongs, they usually just tape a bunch of cats together.

this whole thing with charlottesville has me glad we didn’t move there. that was the city brent had a job interview in.

holy hell i cannot stand alt-right bullshit. i can barely watch movies with neo-nazis. they make me too angry. and when i get angry, my eyes tear up, which is infuriating in itself. hard to be taken seriously if you’re crying when you’re mad.

i’m so dumb and naive at times tho. when i was younger, i remember saying something along the lines that racism had gotten a lot more under control, et cetera. who the hell am i to make a judgement like that tho? i’m a sheltered white girl from the midwest, USA. i’ve lived in small towns my whole life, with little to no diversity. the only non-white person i can remember being friends with growing up was a kid from Laos, and he stands out in my memory only because his older brother died and i can remember how big of a tragedy it was in the town we lived.

my foster-sister is biracial, black and white, but her race never stood out to me as a factor to who she was as a person. i never thought to ask her if she had faced any discrimination or hate because of the color of her skin. like i said, i’ve been pretty sheltered. my trip to kenya is really the only culture-shock i’ve had. i like to think of myself as entirely open to other races. honestly tho, i’ve never been around racism. i never had to speak up. would i, if i faced it, directed at others? i like to think so. but i’m also very non-confrontational, so it could go both ways. my mom told me she thought i would definitely speak up. but knowing myself, i don’t know. i have to hope i would.

people who say race doesn’t matter don’t mean that. they just have never had to deal with the repercussions of race. they mean that they wish it didn’t matter. they wish we could acknowledge the differences between people without letting the differences divide us. and that’s for everything: race, religion, sexual orientation.

whatever.

my facebook feed has been blowing up over the kenya election. craziness. i wish the best for that nation, and its citizens.

it is 6:20 in the morning.

this has been all over the place. now, to work.

i’m the true recluse, blissful as a loner

tyler’s home. he’s a jerk. he’s always putting me down and making me feel like an idiot. it’s like yo, that’s my job.

he introduced me to the show the league. i mean, i’d heard of it, but never watched it. terrible show. lol. i love terrible shows.

i’m just feeling really really down and unfocused. called in to work today because i didn’t sleep last night. and now i feel bad about it. the weekend was terrible. i didn’t get anything done, didn’t even leave the house except to walk lucy.

i don’t know if i’m sick or depressed or both.

oh, adam is coming home late tonight. his last picture, this time from france, made me super jelly. one day, though. one day…

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you want to be my healer, now that i’m up in flames. but i was burned before the fire

lmao @ the 13th doctor reveal reactions.

“why are they catering to that demographic, when they should be catering to my demographic” cry out outraged ex-fans everywhere.

“i’m not a sexist, and am actually quite progressive, but not when it comes to this fantasy/scifi thing. you just don’t mess with that”

lol

I had my reservations too, just ’cause everyone else did. i honestly just didn’t wanna deal with the inevitable complaints and negativity. but i got over it, and i got excited for something new. though in all fairness i too will miss capaldi. but i’m a crap, or perhaps spectacular, fan, really. i have very little criticism for most of the shows i choose to watch. the one and only show i really couldn’t dedicate any time to as i thought it had gone down the drain was Dexter, and that was a rare and tragic case.

if you really think doctor who is ruined and won’t even give it a chance, because a gAsP woman was cast, you are like the definition of a sexist simpleton in my mind. i don’t care how progressive and open-minded you like to pretend to be. if this is just something you can’t wrap your fragile mind around, then you need to do some soul-searching, and perhaps stop declaring yourself to be progressive at all. sorry for the gatekeeping, but seriously, there has to be some guidelines, right?

in other news, my little bro is still in spain, though in a few days he will be travelling to france, and i’m still a little envious. but i’m super happy he got this opportunity.

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looking way too tan to be wearing sunscreen, and, according to his friend, constantly cycling through the two dress shirts he brought with, lol

 

my older brother is dead-set on moving to NYC, no matter what, though he might live here for a while. here as in with us. in the same house. and then there’s me, not really doing much, living out my days working and sleeping. this really is the american dream.

hey tho, i’m not gonna complain despite my eternal existential crisis. i am healthy, i have insurance (for now), and i have people in my life who care about me. plus, i can gorge on the anger of scifi fans around the world as they rant and rave and possibly suffer from meltdowns, over a fictional character. hehe. life is entertaining, at least.