i’ve never seen the desert before, to be so close to nothing

this one’s a doozy.

it just hit me like a truck while i was trying to fall asleep the other night: i wish i had killed my self years ago. i’ve wasted so much time on earth. i used to think i could be a different person if i was just in a different place. but i’ve lived long enough, and i’ve travelled far enough that i know i will never be able to change.

lol i will never be able to put my family through my suicide tho.

yet i can’t stop thinking about it when each day ends. i’m just tired, i tell myself each night at 1am. do you ever get so tired that suicide seems like the only option. lol i can sleep when i’m dead.

i will probably not kill myself. so who the fuck cares how much pain i am in, right?

sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt, and all that shit, right?

i broke down in the doctor’s office crying when the doc asked if i was okay, after i filled out the stupid depression questionnaire.

i just feel trapped, i told her.

and i do. i feel like a pathetic little animal. like i would rather chew off my own leg than live here. lol.

i love how everyone is okay with how much my life feels like hell, as long as i don’t kill myself and make them feel bad. it isn’t about me, it’s all about them. like people are always saying there are worse things than death, but they don’t believe it. people will say anything to me, all the lies, as long as i don’t make that final step off the edge.

as an abrupt change of subject, we ate indian food after the doctor. it was good and spicy. lol my mom is so oblivious to everything, good for her. she thinks today was a good day.

i would do anything to let everyone remain oblivious in my life. but my resolve is crumbling. i don’t know how much i can keep this shit up. i need to speak to two of my profs and ask them for some sort of leniency for my shit attendance and school-work ethic. the other one is the religion one and since i’m getting more than 100% in that class currently, i’m not too worried.

okay for now i’m done venting to myself. what a great way to end the day: whining.

if he made me in his image then he’s a failure too

i wouldn’t read this one.

i don’t like talking about this with people.. i have a hard enough time making friends, without a divergent worldview.

i used to be religious, but then i realized i didn’t have to be. lol, peer pressure. i used to describe myself as an atheist, as a secular humanist, and now i found a great new word: an apatheist

see, all my friends were religious, and went to an after-school program called release. i don’t really remember what we did there, just normal activities, like games and coloring and such, but with religious overtones.

one day i thought to ask one of my friends, phoebe, why she didn’t go to release. she was younger than all of us, because she was put ahead a grade. even back then i could tell she was very “with-it”. like, very self-aware. i didn’t possess that trait much yet, but could recognize it in others. so i asked her why she didn’t go, and she answered that her family wasn’t religious and that she didn’t really believe in God. and that freaking blew my mind. i was such a follower, so indoctrinated, that it didn’t even cross my mind that it was an option not to believe in God. and so the seed of doubt was planted by a little sinner named phoebe, lmao. my friends back in elementary school were little jerks, as was i. phoebe was kind of apart from all of us, though. i still wonder how she’s doing, but this was forever ago, so i don’t really wanna reach out like a weirdo.

by age 14 i was on my last religious leg. i got sick of the bigotry, the hypocrisy. even now when i encounter it, i feel sick. like this guy in my religion class, who said aloud that he hoped gays knew that they were evil. ugh. i almost lied and said that i was gay, as i wanted to mess with him. but, alas, i didn’t.

sometimes i miss being religious. no questions, no thinking about all the what-ifs in the world. just simple, blind, dumb (not as in stupid, but as in silent) acceptance of fate. but i can’t seem to go back to that headspace. it’s gone, which is okay with me. i was an emotional wreck when i was religious, too, so i don’t think the bible or the torah or the quran could help me now. i don’t think they say anything about mental illness.

i know that religion can be a powerful tool for good, but i just can’t shake the fact that it can be a powerful tool for evil, too. i don’t wanna end up on the bad side of history. though honestly, i enjoy meeting and learning from people of different faiths, as long as it isn’t the toxic sort of faith that makes you think of gay people as evil.

i think i’ve said this before, but i am so mean-spirited and vengeful that the only time i wish i believed in a definitive afterlife, heaven-and-hell type scenario for the universe is when i meet a particularly ugly-on-the-inside person. then i wish with all my heart that there was a special hell for them. and it’s funny, all the bad sorts are so convinced in their own religious or moral superiority, so convinced the good afterlife is waiting for them. i’d probs go to hell. i don’t believe in any deity (and if i did, i still wouldn’t worship any of the current ones ’cause frankly they all seem like narcissistic dicks in the sky). so if there is an afterlife, i’m screwed. which is okay. i’m having such fun here.

i just want everyone, whatever their faith, to not be an ass to me or anyone else. is that too much to ask?

looks around

apparently, yes.

 

we’re encouraged to forget, preference to be forcefed

there’re so many other voices. i don’t know what to say. i doubt anyone will hear me. i’m obviously referring to twitter here. i love twitter, i hate twitter. i have a twitter account, but the last tweet i retweeted was on election night, someone asking if it was like sports, and how it was weird that people followed sports, because if the election was like watching a sport, then sports couldn’t be that enjoyable.. it was said better by the op. i don’t really like sports, honestly, unless you count like jumping out of a plane or jumping off a building (with a parachute, duh), as sports. yeah, i’m big on jumping.

but yeah, as i said, it can always be said better by someone else. so i don’t bother tweeting anything. plus my life is killer boring and sad. so what do i tweet about? my witty observations? i don’t have any. plus i only have one twitter follower that i know in real life, so i’m lost in the twitter sea of weird and more witty strangers.

i mostly follow self-styled geopolitical analysts, lol, which should be a bigger joke in my opinion. plus journalists, and the occasional meme/satire account. i used to follow MENA conflicts much more closely than i do now, it was my obsession. but the depression^TM shut that down after a while. i’m going to start referring to my depression as the party police, except what kind of party involves following al qaeda/nusra sympathizers to see what’s up wit them. like, who parties like that? I dO.

i even learned (ahem, tried to learn) a little turkish to see if i could follow turkish journalists and other types. yeah, and that worked out great. i can now at least recognize turkish in a lineup and point it out as the language that robbed me of my valuable time and left me for dead. but understanding it written, and understanding it spoken are two different animals. plus my accent sucks, it has been implied.

lately i’ve just been liking random tweets here and there, like i’m a bot or something. i actually kind of like the idea of people thinking i’m a bot account. unless they block me or unfollow me. that would probably not feel nice. bots have feelings too, or will one day, i hope.

i take the thought of you and burn it to the ground

got 100% on one of my tests today, the one in world religion. it was about buddhism and sikhism. i was shocked to see my score when it was handed back to me. the one i graded had minus 16. i totally made hardly-educated guesses on a couple of answers. plus there’s a curve, so i got 4 extra points because apparently everyone sucks but me. then after class, i threw up in the bathroom. i guess my stomach decided it wasn’t as overjoyed as me. lol, karma.

i went home not long after that. now i’m beating myself up over leaving, as i totally could have stayed.

i don’t know what’s wrong with me. i’m going to call on friday and try to get in to see the doctor early.

trying to tend to the dead parts of my mind. where nothing good grows. sometimes the truth is so ugly that there is no way to live with it intact and be happy. so we have to twist the truth, distort it, look at it thru rose tinted glasses. pretend we learned deep lessons from it about how life is. that we are stronger, better for it. but it isn’t always the case.

it’s just easier to tell a lie than face the truth in its unadulterated form sometimes. i’ve said it before: i obsess over my perception of the truth and the perception of others. it’s crazy how it never quite matches up, even among people with similar characteristics and values. it’s like we all have the same inkblot of a life, but we all arrive at a different idea of what it all means.

i feel bad about the bridges i’ve burned with the sheer force of my ugly personality. friends who got sick of my pessimist outlook. some people would say, oh, if they were really friends they would have stuck around. but i’m not stupid. i know love like that ain’t unconditional, nor should it be. i know sometimes it’s small things, but they add up, and it’s like the voice that took down the mountain of snow. and i’m left smothered in the cold, all by myself. lol.

all i know is, deep down i’m a contrarian who likes to cause trouble for myself. my first-grade report card literally said ‘sarah does not work well by herself or with others’. mrs. johnson really didn’t like me. i almost tell that story with pride now. like, yeah, i’m a real baddie. anybody with eyes can see that i don’t care.

 

 

i gazed to the stars and this view can’t be shared

i’m feeling a bit better now that i’ve studied some and emailed one of my profs. less scattered, out of sorts. i have a mission. i have my goal. i just have to get through tomorrow.

i think i miss the days of inspiration, of words. perhaps i should read more. i have a long list of books, they seem like a chore tho. so heavy on my mind when i think of them waiting on me. i feel sometimes like there is so much waiting on me. like if i would only find the door, i could open it and be in a whole other plane of existence. if i would only look at something the right way, i could see the whole freaking aleph.

i used to think i could draw inspiration from my depression, that i could make something beautiful to hold in the darkness. but i don’t know anymore. and i’m so full of self-recrimination, blaming myself for my fickle mind. my mom told me that once, and it has echoed in my mind when i’m feeling especially low: you just don’t want to be happy.

as if i only wanted it more, it would arrive, arms wide, for a sweet embrace, and stay with me always. as if happiness is like some kind of stupid love that if you want it badly enough, you can find a way, simple as that. fuck that noise. if it were only that easy.

but that’s just the way my brain likes to work: sick, and i have to just keep forcing myself out of my oft-run tracks of thought.

i gotta say tho, one thing that annoys me right now is my meds. like, i practically have one to wake me up, one to help me sleep. and i know it’s not a weakness to need medicine, i tell myself that every freaking day. but the sly fox of a thought always sneaks up and grabs the first thought by the throat, gives it a little shake. a twig-like neck-snap later, the positivity is dead and useless to me. ’cause meds are a weakness, the fox-thought whispers. you should feel ashamed, the fox laughs.

so i do feel ashamed. i doubt i would ever name off the medications i am on to anyone other than a doctor irl, ever. ’cause that’s how much that stupid idea has gotten to me.

and around and around i go in my oft-run tracks of thought.

tonight though, i’m only half sad girl, promise.

peace, patted-shoulder fondness, and sleep. sleep, most of all.

and if love is a drug, i don’t want it, because i don’t have any self control

it’s midnight and i’m in the basement because it’s thundering a tiny bit and lucy is afraid.

i had the usual dream that has become rather unusual as my mind tries to buck away from its habitual obsessions to focus on new ones. the old ones, the old dreams are rare now, and made more precious because of it. also more poisonous.

i’m walking through a party, because i know you’re there. but you’ve left. i look everywhere, and you’re gone. you just left the room. you just turned the corner. it’s like a maze of other people smiling and laughing, and me, alone, looking for you. this time i don’t wind up outside in the snow and stars, the dream doesn’t reach this sad crescendo. it just ends with me realizing you’re not there, not anywhere near me.

the dream is a bit on the nose, lol. real life occasionally mirrors it. i find myself at get-togethers, too afraid to be obvious, to ask if you’re there. so i just wander, looking for you..and of course you’re never there. you’re somewhere else, living a different life. i guess i have to accept that.

the last time i saw you i was a different person with a different agenda, a different heart, a different mind. i didn’t know much about anything outside myself. i don’t even know who you are anymore, and i don’t know who, or how, to ask. i don’t even know why i held on to you in my mind, why i ever found comfort in thoughts of star-crossed love, brought to fruition. that path is gone. it’s dead, with all the others. i guess my mind just hasn’t caught up to reality, which is definitely a theme brought up in my life over and over.

sometimes i feel as though i don’t belong in reality anyway. i’ve spent some time apart and i don’t think it lives up to the hype. oh well. as everyone in my life keeps saying, it is what it is. and there is something so final and concrete about that, that i wanna fight it, because honestly that’s my place, i think, fighting things, ideas, concepts, truths. i sometimes just want to ignore the truth so i don’t have to fight it or accept it fully, but that never works for long. something always reminds me of you and i’m back on the stupid, gaudy, rococo train of thought that i’m pretty sure is love, and though everyone’s always spouting on about it, it is the saddest, most futile thing i’ve ever witnessed myself engaging in. so, as some wise, eloquent, probably long dead person said, that sucks.

and unfortunately i’ve found myself agreeing with the naysayers.

i’m here, and you’re merely a gesture in some vague direction to me. that’s how far apart we are, in body and mind. so yeah, sarah, give up, give in. this idea you hold is dead and you’re just sadly, obstinately oblivious to it half the time. and the other half you’re in mourning for it. just let go.

it is what it is.

half of the world is asleep, is awake. do not despair, do not despair. today is gone to bed and tomorrow unmade. do not despair, do not despair

writing out that title, the word despair doesn’t even look real anymore.

i feel like i’ve given pieces of myself up over the years. to fit in, to hurt less. i think a lot of people do that though. it’s growth, but sometimes it feels like erosion.

i received the highest score in the religion class on the test. i missed four questions. we graded them in class, and i had to grade two papers. one person got 17 wrong, the other 13. so i’m relieved. not that they did badly, but that i did well in comparison. i even accidentally said  ‘sorry’ to the girl i handed the -17 paper back to. i suppose i just gotta be glad that isn’t me. i wanted to do well, and was worried about it. hey, i got my first win of the semester.

i’m kind of a sad person. like i don’t even know why anymore. there’s no definitive reason. no one shiningly dark moment that made me this way. i’m just kind of down on the serotonin.

i’ve decided i’m going to try to drink more water and cut out more carbs. try to be healthier. drink less caffeine. idk. do people still run? is it cool to run? lol, i run from things all the time. figuratively. flexes figurative muscles, poses smugly

i haven’t been sleeping great. last night is an example. i fell asleep around 2, woke up about three hours later. i feel like it’s just taking a toll on me mentally, not sleeping. i am worried about everything, and the more i worry the less i sleep. and the less i sleep the more i worry about inane bullshit that doesn’t deserve so much thought and mental effort.

i’m even worried that i’m just a worrier. nobody wants to be that. like maybe this is just an essential part of my personality, and i would fall apart without it. if i didn’t drive myself to near insanity with all the anxiety and self-flagellation, i would probs implode. it’s like the constant tension is the thing that keeps me going. oh well, whatever keeps me going, it works. to a certain, painful extent.

that last part makes it sound like i’m just tripping lately, down in the dumps. and i am kind of getting out of a slump, but i am getting out. i will freaking persevere, because and in spite of this big, insignificant blue marble we twirl around endlessly, gracelessly, on.