you ran away from your uselessness like you had something to prove

i can’t decide if i’m a cynic or not. this is just one of the important choices i make every day. well, and is it really just one choice? or is it like a bunch of choices that add up to one thing eventually? can anyone even add that stuff up objectively? methinks not. so since nobody can really judge me accurately, i’m gonna just call myself an optimist. that’ll show ’em.

i saw a meme that was actually not a meme but just a twitter screenshot passed off as a meme; it said that all kids who read at a 12th grade level in 4th grade are now severely depressed and totally illiterate. i don’t know if this counts as bragging or dragging my self down, but that person has me all figured out.

lol i had a crush on a dumbass in 4th or 5th grade, and i told my friend, and she immediately ran and told him. i lost a crush and a friend that day, so sad. ’cause i, of course, had to explain to his face that i used to have a crush on him. so from then on i just tried not to care for him at all. and the moral of the story is trust no one and keep your feelings to yourself until it is too late to act on them. i’m good at finding morals. also, love is garbage and anyone who tells you otherwise is trying to lead you astray from the light and joy that faux apathy brings. by really, i joke. i mean, if love is garbage and we all deserve garbage, we deserve love. my philosophical depth is awe-inspiring.

elementary school is a haze of bad memories kinda. like there are a few nice bright moments where i felt good about the world and my place in it. but i was pretty damaged as a kid and so it colors every memory in a sadder light if i let it.

they say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, and if that is true, i’m dead.

a little dot in the middle of the nation. the heartland. the midwest. the flyover states.

parts of south dakota are beautiful. the black hills, the badlands. mount rushmore was disappointing even as a child seeing it. i would honestly rather see the crazy horse memorial. it’s supposed to be like ten times larger.

i used to say i wanted to have a house built in the badlands. obviously, it’s state parkland so that is actually illegal. that is the kind of illicit activity that i wanna engage in.

deadwood reminds me of dell rapids. i once told my grandma i would retire there, hahaha. i’ve since changed my mind, but it would be nice to see the place again.

over the weekend my mother and i went to the hindu temple in madrid, iowa. i was nervous. i brought a bouquet of coral-colored roses as a gift, which i thought would be nice for one of the shrines.

i’m going to send a thank you card to one of the priests there, he was very helpful. i didn’t ask many questions, but he answered so well and fully that i didn’t really need to. then this morning i did my presentation, and that went well.

next week i have finals, and i’m dreading it. i keep looking for a way out, but i think the only way out is through.

my one teacher hasn’t emailed me back. freaking typical. on thursday i might go to my advisor. or not. i just talked myself out of it. she won’t be any help. there is no help. all the things that are supposed to be helpful just end up making things worse. booooo everything is terrible. i keep waiting for everything to catch up to me. i’m honestly terrified.

i’m up later than usual. i don’t wanna lay down and sleep. once i’m asleep i’m fine. but before i fall asleep and when i wake up are the worst. every little thing comes to haunt me before i sleep. when i wake up, a new day is beginning. and i waste it. no matter what i do it’s a waste. i know i’m just being negative. that it’s all distorted by my current state. but i can’t see the future and if i did i bet i would be a bit disappointed but not really surprised.

i wonder how the people i care about are doing but don’t reach out to them, because they don’t care about me, i think. if they did, why don’t they reach out to me? lol. it’s like i always have this hope that someone will reach out, because i know i never will. i always have this hope an extrovert will save me. silly. hope is another garbage concept that brings all the pain that we deserve. add it to the list. if i was simply indifferent and accepting of my situation, i would not feel as bad. can’t feel bad about not having that which doesn’t exist. lol, if we all just eliminate love and hope from our lives we’ll be much happier for it. haha i’m so bright. like a gigantic ball of fire soaring through space, i bring the sunshine.

yeah i’m going to just drop and be done with this thinking thing. consciousness is wasted on me.

have you ever had the feeling when you just don’t wanna breathe


IMB_DsInOV

don’t try to be anything basically. skill or creativity. just cuz you’re unique doesn’t mean you’re useful. just because something requires skill doesn’t mean it’s worth doing. that’s like everything. let’s all just lie in the grass and die. oh wait the grass is dead too? dry cold and scratchy? well might as well do whatever, live however, ’cause we’re all just kind of stuck on this marble, whether we know it or not.

an unknown bass jolts around me. i’m listening to an unrelated song through earbuds. im on my way to dell rapids. another hour? another hour. i’m runnin on coffee still. it’s ’bout 10:45pm.

whenever i’m confronted with a new instance of waiting i realize i could wait forever, that in fact I’ve been waiting all along.

a night landscape pair of eyes, all darkness and stupid stumbling in them. a feeling of fear, wanting to hide in some light.

dressed in noncommittal shades of grey, under a blush pink parka. A shirt with a feline grim reaper: ‘meow you must die’ swirling around it.

staring into the abyss of the sky. a spotlight glances dimly off the clouds. looking for a god? none to be found.

the way to meet in avoca was nice. once there, me and brent ate at a diner. i had a veggie omelette, no mushrooms. he had a slice of pie. then like forever later my dad, liz and thomas showed up. and the rest is basically just as mundane. greetings, farewells, and shivering in the cold. then leaving, and more stupid road.

molly finally settled down. their dog, a puggle. she spent an hour looking up at me, whining. she loves seeing people she hasn’t seen in a while.  dumb adoration, returned. i was actually a little worried about her she was so beside herself.

so my cousin’s car accident was apparently pretty bad. she swerved to miss a deer. they always say to just hit it if you have to, that it won’t be as bad for you. how do you judge if you have to tho? i’d probs swerve, in the moment, every time. im dumb like that. nichole was too this time. the truck rolled three times. she’s lucky to be alive. she will probably be in the hospital another several weeks. life is weird in the way it’s a complete bitch sometimes. the deer has not been heard from.

lol molly is back to whining at me.

and we are suddenly there.

grandma’s dogs patty and bella greet us with their barks. patty is a sleek grey weimaraner, bella is a black lab, pitbull mix. they’re both strays that wandered into my grandma’s life, so i’m basically guessing on bella’s heritage. though patty has the typical nervous, taut disposition of a weimeraner, because she is one. she’s so attached to my grandma, it’s eerie.

my grandma seems as ever-moving, busy as always. my grandpa looks like he is fading, bleeding color, seemingly unnoticed by everyone around him. i’m not being callously poetic, looking at him makes me feel deeply sad. his oxygen can be heard hissing, “breathing”, throughout the house.

okay.

it’s about 1:20 in the morn’. i’m done, i’m going to bed. i will have the designated “front bedroom”, called so because it is at the front of the house. it’s just like being a child again except my nerves are buzzing and i have heartburn.

all i’ve forgotten to take from home are face wipes, which is a pain but liveable. i’m brushing my teeth, washing my face the old fashioned way, and going to bed. well actually i’ll probs wait til everyone else is in bed, then sneak around. i feel weirdly shy and kind of uneasy. so it’s a typical 1:30 in the morning for me, really.

 

i’ve seen america with no clothes on

I DON’T NEED FRIENDS.

I DoN’t NeEd FrIeNds.

i tell this to myself over and over, like a mantra. also, the word “love” keeps popping up in my head, and then i quickly retort you don’t love anybody.” it’s like i’m at war with myself and my emotions.

lol i tried to explain the origins of thanksgiving to admira the other day. she’s bosnian, plus lived in germany for a while after the war/genocide. i couldn’t really make any logical sense of the thanksgiving history myself, ha. so i just gave the usual “we celebrated with the native americans, and it became a tradition to give thanks for good harvest” crap. ha, i didn’t mention the whole racial underbelly of the matter. thought it might be kind of rude to bring up genocide to someone who knows people who died in a genocide. why does everything in history have some ugly side to it? can’t anything be wholesome and pure through and through? like me?

thanksgiving was spent in story city, at brent’s parent’s house. it was boring, i didn’t like the food (i’m so picky, i don’t even like turkey), but it went alright. i like brent’s family well enough, in small doses. it was just his parents, his sister, and one of his brothers. plus my little bro adam was there. he just left a while ago.

gah, one of brent’s nieces wants to go to south-east asia to spread christianity under the guise of teaching english. talk about a double whammy of neo-colonialism. lmao.

when she was in vietnam, her boyfriend flew out to propose to her. she said yes, naturally. she is younger than me. i bet there was a lot of pressure to say yes. like, how do you say no to someone who flew around 8,000 miles to see you? you don’t.

we brought lucy to the vet last week, and she is doing good! the vet said her hips looked good, her flexibility was good, and her teeth looked nice. yet she has cataracts, as she is 15 and diabetic. sooo she is doing as well (or better) than we could have thought. we brought her to the vet because for a few days she was having a hard time going up the stairs, acting confused about them. the vet thinks it might just be her sight; either that or she strained a muscle or something, and so the vet put her on a painkiller for a week. she is going up the stairs fine now, so we’re not as worried.

my mom is in minnesota, at my aunt’s house, making xmas wreaths. it’s a grand affair, taking place in the garage. only the women seem to ever participate these days. the guys are too cool or something. i’m almost too cool. this is the one i made a few years ago:

IMG_0586

lol it looks more springy than christmasy. it’s not too special. i usually make one, get sick of it, and go inside to listen to people talk to each other, and forage through the food.

mom is coming home later today hopefully.

i worked this morning at 6. i woke up at 4:30, and fed lucy, then got ready to go. i was in the CO, countin’ moneys. it’s a blast. actually, i like it. it used to stress me out, because i wasn’t quite sure what i was doing, and kept writing down numbers wrong. i had to go strictly by the notes, step-by-step. now i can do it all by memory. it feels rather good, being good at something for once. man, the deposit for black friday, along with the checks, was around 11,000 dollars. there was 4,500 in just 100$ bills.

oh, and i got 95% on my policy paper. i’ll take it.

lol, and on monday i have another paper due, in the same class. this one is supposed to be a party platform type essay, in which we describe our perfect political party. i’m going to make mine a half-joke, satire thing, i think. it’ll be fun. my usual theocratic dictatorship rubbish that i laugh about. she said it was okay if it was ironic, as long as it followed the rubric. imma start writing it today. exciting!

i can’t remember if i said this, but i was going to enter a creative writing contest, but decided not to, as if i won, i would have to read my piece aloud at some conference thing. ugh, no thanks. makes me kind of regretful already though. i just wrote something really personal, and don’t want to share it personally, out loud. deep down, i’m a shy, scared little introvert who doesn’t like to share with anyone i know or supposedly love.

 

i’m the true recluse, blissful as a loner

tyler’s home. he’s a jerk. he’s always putting me down and making me feel like an idiot. it’s like yo, that’s my job.

he introduced me to the show the league. i mean, i’d heard of it, but never watched it. terrible show. lol. i love terrible shows.

i’m just feeling really really down and unfocused. called in to work today because i didn’t sleep last night. and now i feel bad about it. the weekend was terrible. i didn’t get anything done, didn’t even leave the house except to walk lucy.

i don’t know if i’m sick or depressed or both.

oh, adam is coming home late tonight. his last picture, this time from france, made me super jelly. one day, though. one day…

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purge the past and waste my mind, leave no scent or trace behind

went to chichen itza on wednesday, it was an all day affair. it was amazing. just me and my mom, and a million other tourists and touts. it was about a 13 hour day, awesome. we stopped for lunch in valladolid, saw the cenote zaci, and walked around a bit. it was a blast.  a perfect end to a good trip.

got home late last night, went to bed around 2am, and woke up at 6 this morning. now i’m in lawrence, at my dad’s.

i go home on monday, then tuesday i work 7-3 thru thursday or friday i think, doing all-store markdowns. i’m excited at making money, lulz.

i’m doing amazing for this moment in time. focused, alert, but not too much so. nice to see family. all is well.