i’ve never seen the desert before, to be so close to nothing

this one’s a doozy.

it just hit me like a truck while i was trying to fall asleep the other night: i wish i had killed my self years ago. i’ve wasted so much time on earth. i used to think i could be a different person if i was just in a different place. but i’ve lived long enough, and i’ve travelled far enough that i know i will never be able to change.

lol i will never be able to put my family through my suicide tho.

yet i can’t stop thinking about it when each day ends. i’m just tired, i tell myself each night at 1am. do you ever get so tired that suicide seems like the only option. lol i can sleep when i’m dead.

i will probably not kill myself. so who the fuck cares how much pain i am in, right?

sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt, and all that shit, right?

i broke down in the doctor’s office crying when the doc asked if i was okay, after i filled out the stupid depression questionnaire.

i just feel trapped, i told her.

and i do. i feel like a pathetic little animal. like i would rather chew off my own leg than live here. lol.

i love how everyone is okay with how much my life feels like hell, as long as i don’t kill myself and make them feel bad. it isn’t about me, it’s all about them. like people are always saying there are worse things than death, but they don’t believe it. people will say anything to me, all the lies, as long as i don’t make that final step off the edge.

as an abrupt change of subject, we ate indian food after the doctor. it was good and spicy. lol my mom is so oblivious to everything, good for her. she thinks today was a good day.

i would do anything to let everyone remain oblivious in my life. but my resolve is crumbling. i don’t know how much i can keep this shit up. i need to speak to two of my profs and ask them for some sort of leniency for my shit attendance and school-work ethic. the other one is the religion one and since i’m getting more than 100% in that class currently, i’m not too worried.

okay for now i’m done venting to myself. what a great way to end the day: whining.

let the borders get wavy. nothing touches me lately.

my world flows toward peace. then it freezes up around me as i think of you. your name is paired with something like an auditory hallucination of an approaching storm. thunder in the distance, or maybe some faraway war. i think of WWI, the explosions of artillery echoing across the continent. so melodramatic.

life tests me lately. i don’t know if i’m happy or sad or have any emotions or real thoughts of my own. i’m just an obsessive, repetitive ghost of a thought or concept dead for a long long time, yet anachronistic in any temporal setting. maybe i really am dead, and this is just me, a mere thought or dispassionate concept, rotting away. lulz. people should witness me in my tragic state. point, laugh, cry, whatever it is mere mortals do to attempt to show their supposed emotions.

oh wells. i’m dead, pan is dead, and hope flew out of pandora’s jar. the world is a wicked, absurdist landscape, filled with lies and tricks of the mind, called thoughts and opinions. we should all just give up and let evil win. for isn’t evil simply a dead concept like moi, spreading its rot and sad ruin all over heaven and earth and internet? just ignore the pain of it. don’t feed the trolls. we are all the trolls, really.

k, thanks. i’m done for now.