you ran away from your uselessness like you had something to prove

i can’t decide if i’m a cynic or not. this is just one of the important choices i make every day. well, and is it really just one choice? or is it like a bunch of choices that add up to one thing eventually? can anyone even add that stuff up objectively? methinks not. so since nobody can really judge me accurately, i’m gonna just call myself an optimist. that’ll show ’em.

i saw a meme that was actually not a meme but just a twitter screenshot passed off as a meme; it said that all kids who read at a 12th grade level in 4th grade are now severely depressed and totally illiterate. i don’t know if this counts as bragging or dragging my self down, but that person has me all figured out.

lol i had a crush on a dumbass in 4th or 5th grade, and i told my friend, and she immediately ran and told him. i lost a crush and a friend that day, so sad. ’cause i, of course, had to explain to his face that i used to have a crush on him. so from then on i just tried not to care for him at all. and the moral of the story is trust no one and keep your feelings to yourself until it is too late to act on them. i’m good at finding morals. also, love is garbage and anyone who tells you otherwise is trying to lead you astray from the light and joy that faux apathy brings. by really, i joke. i mean, if love is garbage and we all deserve garbage, we deserve love. my philosophical depth is awe-inspiring.

elementary school is a haze of bad memories kinda. like there are a few nice bright moments where i felt good about the world and my place in it. but i was pretty damaged as a kid and so it colors every memory in a sadder light if i let it.

they say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, and if that is true, i’m dead.

a little dot in the middle of the nation. the heartland. the midwest. the flyover states.

parts of south dakota are beautiful. the black hills, the badlands. mount rushmore was disappointing even as a child seeing it. i would honestly rather see the crazy horse memorial. it’s supposed to be like ten times larger.

i used to say i wanted to have a house built in the badlands. obviously, it’s state parkland so that is actually illegal. that is the kind of illicit activity that i wanna engage in.

deadwood reminds me of dell rapids. i once told my grandma i would retire there, hahaha. i’ve since changed my mind, but it would be nice to see the place again.

over the weekend my mother and i went to the hindu temple in madrid, iowa. i was nervous. i brought a bouquet of coral-colored roses as a gift, which i thought would be nice for one of the shrines.

i’m going to send a thank you card to one of the priests there, he was very helpful. i didn’t ask many questions, but he answered so well and fully that i didn’t really need to. then this morning i did my presentation, and that went well.

next week i have finals, and i’m dreading it. i keep looking for a way out, but i think the only way out is through.

my one teacher hasn’t emailed me back. freaking typical. on thursday i might go to my advisor. or not. i just talked myself out of it. she won’t be any help. there is no help. all the things that are supposed to be helpful just end up making things worse. booooo everything is terrible. i keep waiting for everything to catch up to me. i’m honestly terrified.

i’m up later than usual. i don’t wanna lay down and sleep. once i’m asleep i’m fine. but before i fall asleep and when i wake up are the worst. every little thing comes to haunt me before i sleep. when i wake up, a new day is beginning. and i waste it. no matter what i do it’s a waste. i know i’m just being negative. that it’s all distorted by my current state. but i can’t see the future and if i did i bet i would be a bit disappointed but not really surprised.

i wonder how the people i care about are doing but don’t reach out to them, because they don’t care about me, i think. if they did, why don’t they reach out to me? lol. it’s like i always have this hope that someone will reach out, because i know i never will. i always have this hope an extrovert will save me. silly. hope is another garbage concept that brings all the pain that we deserve. add it to the list. if i was simply indifferent and accepting of my situation, i would not feel as bad. can’t feel bad about not having that which doesn’t exist. lol, if we all just eliminate love and hope from our lives we’ll be much happier for it. haha i’m so bright. like a gigantic ball of fire soaring through space, i bring the sunshine.

yeah i’m going to just drop and be done with this thinking thing. consciousness is wasted on me.

when you’re lonely, press play

the trick is to act not just okay, but better than okay. aim for happy, upbeat. smile, laugh, make jokes. it’s easy once you get used to it. even if i’ve just been crying, cutting, thinking about suicide, i can go out and laugh enough, smile enough, lie enough so that nobody would ever suspect. i do warn though, it makes it feel worse, once you’re alone and you can let the mask fall. every friendship feels fake to me because it essentially is faked, by me, quite well. and then while i’m alone i just know that i’ve really always been alone.

last night sucked. night just sucks. i woke up over and over, until it felt like i spent more time trying to fall back asleep than actually sleeping.

ugh, i skipped class all last week. i suck. not to excuse it, i’ve just felt awful lately. i don’t know if this is just a depressive episode or i’m sick or a combination of the two, but i just feel like there’s nothing good in me right now and like nothing is worth doing. but i’m buckling down, doing all the work i have due tomorrow, and studying for the two tests i have tomorrow.

i ran into my stupid professor at work the other day and felt all bad and wrong for missing class a couple of days before. whoops.

easter is stupid. i did nothing for it. celebrations are dumb. being happy is a lie or a dream. i’m aiming for numb now. i’ve said it before, it’s better than this. lol i sound so bitter and sad it’s funny. this too shall probably pass.

up here in the air, i’m just mumbling at the clouds

the other night i had a really weird experience. i was laying in bed, falling asleep, on my back with my arms at my sides, when i felt this weird buzzing feeling in my head. then it escalated into this electric-jolt feeling through my head, and with my eyes closed there were these flashing lights. i kind of felt like i was dreaming, but i knew i wasn’t at the same time. it lasted around 10 seconds i think.

i remember trying to open my eyes, and my lids felt heavy and it felt like i had something in my eyes, ’cause my vision was blurred. then, a minute or two later, it happened again. this time was a bit worse/longer, and i remember my arms feeling tingly, like goosebumps, while my head felt like it had a current running through it.

the whole thing wasn’t painful, exactly, it was just kind of uncomfortable and unnerving. i felt really confused and disoriented after, though i’m pretty sure i fell asleep not long after this, lol. i don’t think it happened a third time, as i remember kind of waiting for it to happen and then maybe drifting to sleep. it wasn’t a startling experience at the time, but the next day i was wtf-ing all over the place trying to figure out what the hell happened.

soo i’m probs going to go to the doctor, though i don’t know what i’m going to say or they are going to do. i don’t like doctors, to say the least. it’s all about anxiety and control i guess.

well, i did go to urgent care, but that was just because i had a fever for a couple of weeks and my throat was sore and so on. got prescribed antibiotics, went home, it ws easy. but i’m still afraid of going to the doctor about my back and about that weird episode described above. i hate people touching me, i don’t like to be looked at closely, and i don’t like the idea of finding out there is something more wrong with me. i don’t wanna be told things i already suspect, even. the only thing i don’t really mind is having blood drawn. i’m morbidly fascinated by that part. the rest is just weird to me.

i’m not in a good mood today. everything is grating on me. on days like this, i seriously find myself hating everyone. my mom is a vitriolic person who walks all over everyone. my stepdad is an idiot, in every single sense of the word. i hate them both deeply and truly right now. and there are so many garbage human beings out there i’m just half-convinced the ideal lifestyle is some sort of celibate, hermit-like existence where all shopping is done online and families are something made up to make me want to kill myself. i don’t know. i’m just terrible today. but that’s just ’cause i was on the register for a few hours straight and i hate it so much i wanted to walk out. but i didn’t. life is about being proud of doing things you hate. and that is beautiful, they tell me. it is strength, they say. it’s a good thing.

there’s also this girl i work with who is annoyingly rude to me. it’s just little things, but they just wear away at me until i want to walk away from humanity as a whole. i’m an all or nothing person, what can i say? it’s a bad habit. when the only interactions you have with people all day are either completely neutral, or completely bad, it gets tiring. i am also thinking of deleting facebook for a while. it just depresses me. nobody talks to me, so i assume they don’t want to talk to me, so i don’t talk to them. instead, i observe their social lives play out in the form of pictures and little videos. and then i feel left out of some special clique of beautiful people, like i’m 14 again.

when i was 14, i basically forced my way into the “popular” clique. i figured if i sat with them at lunch and followed them around enough, they would just get used to me being around, and eventually not even remember a time without me. it worked surprisingly well. i got invited to birthdays and stupid little parties and did some fun stuff. though i don’t think they were great friendships. i was deeply lonely and anxious and sad most of the time. so pretty much like now. but i’m not sure if it’s healthy for one’s social life to feel like a social experiment, so i doubt i will try it again. people aren’t worth the effort, at least from what i know from being a person.

 

pick it up, pick it all up and start again

i’m sick again. this winter has been kind of wretched for illness. it started as a sort of tickle in the back of my throat and then it hurt to swallow, then i started coughing. then i couldn’t breathe through my nose, lol. and that’s how i freaking breathe. i couldn’t sleep because of it. i missed a day of class, which sucks, but hey, it will be okay. i don’t wanna sound whiny, but the worst was the feverish, general shitty feeling that comes with being sick.

i’m in a good mood because i don’t work tomorrow. the first sunday off in a few weeks.

well i guess it isn’t a good mood, quite. i actually feel kind of numb. but feeling nothing is better than down in the dumps, just kill me now depression.

and i’m obviously getting better, physical illness-wise. i haven’t been coughing nearly as much; it’s just my sinuses that kind of hurt.

the weather was nice today.

i’m trying not to be down, trying not to think about not having friends, not having anyone other than my parents and siblings to care about me. i don’t know. like, my family’s love is heavy, a burden sometimes. often i think it’s the only reason i keep living, keep aimlessly striving. people say that a burden shared is a burden lifted, or something like that. i don’t really think that’s true at all. ’cause not only then do you have to worry, you worry about the other person worrying. so you just hold on to your burdens and jealously guard them against anyone who would try to take them away. i don’t know who i would be without this weight on my shoulders anyway.

on a bright side, ava is being really friendly lately. she lets all of us pet her, and when i go into the kitchen to cook she will often follow me in and meow at me. she likes the rug in the dining room, and if you walk over to it she will often follow, and roll around to receive pets. i don’t know what it is, but she’s really coming around to us. she is still a little skittish, but you can tell she at least has a fondness for us. she likes to lay on the back of the couch, behind where i’m always sitting. i love her so much and feel really grateful to have her.

i remember when ava was still a feral cat living outside, me and my mom were walking lucy in the dead of winter, and we spotted her sitting on a manhole cover for warmth. she looked so forlorn and cold, meowing at us with her raspy little voice, that my heart seriously broke a bit. it was hard because i never thought we could help her much, i thought that she would probably die out there one day, somehow, in the cold world, alone. that we have her with us now is amazing to me. i mean, yeah, i’m an easy crier, so this doesn’t mean much, but i could seriously tear up thinking about how lucky we are to have ava and the kittens. lol, and ari, of course.

and lucy is eternal, so i feel like she goes without mentioning.

ok, enough waxing poetic about pets. i’m going to try to sleep.

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music is my dead end, music’s my imaginary friend

the god of small things bookity-book is coming to a close. no spoilers here.

class is a few weeks from being done. i’m not complaining. it’s been a difficult semester to stay engaged in, despite liking the classes and wanting to succeed. i just couldn’t, completely. ohs wells. c’est la vie. it is what it is. just accept it and move on.

i’m not sure what i’m gonna be doing for xmas. i haven’t heard from my dad. lol, i guess i haven’t called him either. so i might be going to lawrence, might be staying here. probably staying here. i wish i could go to my dad’s and stay there for like a week, but i would regret it once i got there. i just don’t know how to fit into their family. the dynamic is all off with me there. like they fight too much, argue about stupid things. i hate it. i need harmony. thomas is able to ignore it pretty well, because he is cooped up in his room playing dota or whatever the kids are up to these days. i don’t know.

plus i just have crap i have to deal with here. i’m a mess, literally and figuratively.

i’m mad about everything deep down. just plain angry. and when i’m mad, i cry. talk about emotional unintelligence.

i’ve been trying to make friends at school, playing the classic sarah jokester persona. where everything’s entertaining, life is a farce. it works surprisingly well. but i’m a sucker at committing. once we’re facebook friends, i’m unlikely to make direct contact ever again. lol, i’ll like your status, but i won’t physically talk to you ever again. unless i run into you, accidentally. then i’ll be delighted. life is full of happy accidents. most people are forgettable to me, while remaining completely unforgettable. i choose to forget, i make myself forget. because i just assume most people (all people) don’t care about me as much as i care about them. the lie i tell myself is that i don’t care, that i actually hate people. but most of them, i like. but deep down i’m that invisible little girl still. so i close my eyes in kind, and i don’t see them either.

lonely, as a satellite

i feel terrible, i am terrible. my personal slogan. so healthy. yeah.

be strong.  it will be a false strength.

be a fighter. im so tired of fighting this.

be a survivor. but i don’t want to survive this.

suicidal ideation is the worst.

naw really tho, today is an okay day. i don’t feel as bad as i could. my mom decided to stay in minnesota overnight, which only makes sense i suppose. i’m almost done with the god of small things, reading at the pace the professor assigns, so, slowly.

I just did my homework, which was to take a passage from the book and take it apart to see what it actually means. I did well, talked forever about the roles of women in traditional indian society.  i chose this excerpt (I wanna keep it because I really like this passage and my own stupid, convoluted interpretation of it), about ammu (TL;DR, AMMU IS REALLY SHIVERING AT THE THOUGHT OF HER COMPLICIT IMPRISONMENT IN SOCIETY, LOL:

“Ammu shivered. With that cold feeling on a hot afternoon that Life had been Lived. That her cup was full of dust. That the air, the sky, the trees, the sun, the rain, the light and the darkness were all slowly turning to sand. That sand would fill her nostrils, her lungs, her mouth. Would pull her down, leaving on the surface a spinning swirl like crabs leave when they burrow downwards on a beach”(Roy 212).

Here Ammu had just imagined her reflection in the mirror as one of an old woman.

In Indian society at that time (and even today in many cases), women basically had only a couple of things to do in their lives to call them lived and done. Marry, and raise children (preferably boys, as girls need a dowry). Some more wealthy families, like Ammu’s, could afford to educate their daughters to make them more desirable/give them more opportunities for marriage. Or in the case of Baby Kochamma, because her life had run its course, and she was considered too old to marry, so she may as well be educated. Divorce, as we’ve seen in this book, is frowned upon. So Ammu, in a sense, had lived her life already, and more than that, in a way, she failed to live it to her society’s standard.

Roy uses the phrase “cold feeling on a hot afternoon”, I think, to show how this feeling surprised Ammu, the cold from the heat. Cold feelings are not often portrayed as pleasant ones, so I’m making an assumption here when I say that this one wasn’t pleasant for Ammu. When it continues with “that Life had been Lived”, the capitalized “Life” and “Lived” makes it seem like an established, unquestionable thing. Ammu’s “Life” as established by her society had been “Lived.” This is a sad, inescapable thought to me, and, again, I assume, to Ammu herself. In other portions of the book, it seems she tries to buck away from this thought, this label, these expectations that her family and greater culture have placed on her.

The next sentence, “That her cup was full of dust” reminds me of the Biblical “my cup runneth over”, which means that one has everything they could ever want, and then some. But for her to have the thought that her “cup was full of dust”,  is more depressing, as it suggests she has nothing that she wants, or that she doesn’t have a use for wants anymore (as, to me, dust represents something that hasn’t been thought about or touched for a long time).

Next, “the air, the sky, the trees, the sun, the rain, the light and the darkness were all slowly turning to sand.” Here Ammu imagines everything that makes the physical world what it is, turning to sand. But slowly. Perhaps over the course of her life? As if even as she gets closer to death, everything around her turns to sand and loses itself too?

The next part ties into that: “That sand would fill her nostrils, her lungs, her mouth. Would pull her down, leaving on the surface a spinning swirl like crabs leave when they burrow downwards on a beach.” Here the sand “fills her nostrils, her lungs, her mouth”, so she can’t breathe or speak freely. And then it swallows her, this quick-sand that I think reflects societal expectations when it comes to women, how they are supposed to live their lives, and what aging means to them. Is she suggesting dying? I don’t really know. The last part about the final “spinning swirl like crabs leave when they burrow downwards on a beach” makes me feel like Ammu feels as though she is a complicit and willing participant in this act of being swallowed by the sand, in a way. She is that crab, not even really being swallowed by sand, but burrowing into it, deeper and deeper as time goes on. “Slowly”, she thought about the sand transforming the earth.

Although there is a helplessness to her thoughts, I believe Ammu is shivering at the “cold feeling” idea of being complicit in her fetter to society, as is Roy, the author, through her.

THE END ←I didn’t write that on the actual assignment.

as you can see, I went kind of overboard with the five paragraphs, but I like writing about writing. I LOVE THE SOUND OF MY OWN LITERARY VOICE

 

illusion dressed in a fantasy

my mind isn’t my own lately. you know that feeling when you really really wanna like something but you just can’t? you are in a place, and want to enjoy yourself, but your mind won’t shut up and enjoy? it’s like me and game of thrones. shit example, but whatever. there is just too much going on in the show. funny, as i read the books, but the show, i just refuse (NO, my mind refuses) to get into. i’m just not in the game. ha game. game of thrones. lol.

and armela. i would call her one of my best friends, though i know that is rather piteous as she has like a million friends outside of work, and she probably doesn’t consider me a best friend. that actually makes me really sad as i write it. what am i, 12, that i care about best friends. but i have had very few friends in my life. what can i say? TRUST ISSUES.

but i can’t find a good reason to text her or call her or tag her in anything stupid. ever since she quit, i have felt like i lost something. for the first week after she was gone, i was in a terrible mood, and couldn’t decide, or admit, why. i had a short temper, which is unusual for me, and i found myself annoyed by everyone. i’m still annoyed. i really just want to be something other than i am. but at the same time, paradoxically, i just want to be who i am. i want to be in the moment, present, and ready to read a fucking book or call a friend. i feel so inadequate to do either.

my mom’s friend marina’s mother killed herself by hanging a few days ago.

sometimes i think bad people like me create our own hells for ourselves before we die.

i still feel like the same little girl, crying by herself at night.