half of the world is asleep, is awake. do not despair, do not despair. today is gone to bed and tomorrow unmade. do not despair, do not despair

writing out that title, the word despair doesn’t even look real anymore.

i feel like i’ve given pieces of myself up over the years. to fit in, to hurt less. i think a lot of people do that though. it’s growth, but sometimes it feels like erosion.

i received the highest score in the religion class on the test. i missed four questions. we graded them in class, and i had to grade two papers. one person got 17 wrong, the other 13. so i’m relieved. not that they did badly, but that i did well in comparison. i even accidentally said  ‘sorry’ to the girl i handed the -17 paper back to. i suppose i just gotta be glad that isn’t me. i wanted to do well, and was worried about it. hey, i got my first win of the semester.

i’m kind of a sad person. like i don’t even know why anymore. there’s no definitive reason. no one shiningly dark moment that made me this way. i’m just kind of down on the serotonin.

i’ve decided i’m going to try to drink more water and cut out more carbs. try to be healthier. drink less caffeine. idk. do people still run? is it cool to run? lol, i run from things all the time. figuratively. flexes figurative muscles, poses smugly

i haven’t been sleeping great. last night is an example. i fell asleep around 2, woke up about three hours later. i feel like it’s just taking a toll on me mentally, not sleeping. i am worried about everything, and the more i worry the less i sleep. and the less i sleep the more i worry about inane bullshit that doesn’t deserve so much thought and mental effort.

i’m even worried that i’m just a worrier. nobody wants to be that. like maybe this is just an essential part of my personality, and i would fall apart without it. if i didn’t drive myself to near insanity with all the anxiety and self-flagellation, i would probs implode. it’s like the constant tension is the thing that keeps me going. oh well, whatever keeps me going, it works. to a certain, painful extent.

that last part makes it sound like i’m just tripping lately, down in the dumps. and i am kind of getting out of a slump, but i am getting out. i will freaking persevere, because and in spite of this big, insignificant blue marble we twirl around endlessly, gracelessly, on.

 

when can we get together again? nevermind, i’ve lost you

me and lucy are hunkered down in the basement. the carpet is pulled out in half of it, from when it flooded last spring. it’s 4 in the morning.

as is becoming ritual, i woke up around 3:30, and went for a walk with lucy. my mom was on the couch, as she woke up around 2, so i came down here. i’m surrounded by san francisco giants memorabilia, so fitting on this freezing morning in iowa.

i have a plan for this morning. watch adventure time, then go to get ready for work. oh, and between those two things, feed lucy. she’s confused as to why we got up, if not to eat breakfast.

and now it’s 1pm, and i’m home from work. i ended up training someone in the CO, a woman named samantha. she is really nice. i was really tired and distracted, but she was a good sport and followed along with my shenanigans.

i don’t work tomorrow, which is great.

and we’re back again, where we began. it’s now 2:30 in the morning, and i am once again in the basement. i don’t know what’s wrong with me, but i toss and turn and seem to wake up every time i do. it’s been that way for the last couple of weeks.

to change the subject, i went tubing years ago, pulled by a boat, and i distinctly remember my legs flipping up really high, too high at one point. i swear my lower back made a cracking sound and it spasmed in a sharp way, and i was afraid to move my legs, so i gave my dad the thumbs down, so he’d stop the boat. then i did pull up the guts to move my legs, and i was fine.

but the point is, my back has cracked and spasmed for a long time since then, every once in a while. i don’t know if it’s that i’m walking around more, or that the chair at work in the CO is shit, but at night especially, when i first lay down, i have to be careful which way i move. and then it’s fine after a while. so i lie to myself every time and say that my back is fine, i don’t need to go to the doctor, lalalalala. ’cause most of the time, it is fine. but after some long reflection, i’ve decided to go to the doctor for once.

i also needed labs done ages ago, to check my stupid iron and vitamin d levels, ’cause i’ve been totally depleted of both in the past. so, in the coming weeks, i’m going to find the time and stupid whimsy to go to the doctor. whimsy. why choose that word?

for now i’m going to try to go back to sleep. it is now 2:45. i keep yawning, so i have hope.

 

if there’s a cool spot in hell, i know you’ll get it

woot woot, i’ve signed up for my last semester. i’m taking three classes and then i’m done! when my advisor told me i should start thinking about graduation, i facetiously asked what graduation was. it has just been so long, too long, of a road to get here. and then there is more road ahead. can’t i just die already????

my advisor told me that she almost wanted to ask if i really wanted to take all three classes, as she was going to miss me. awww! i’m going to miss her too, a lot. she is the bomb. i don’t think i would’ve come this far without her help. life is about missing people. lol or about just trying to be in the moment, missing nothing. i don’t know. i flip back and forth between the two ideas.

tuesday was my first round of classes. i have all three on tuesdays and thursdays. first is world religion, then art appreciation, and finally, environmental science. i feel like they are super easy classes. it’s like i ran out of hard ones.

it’s 4 in the morning. i woke up at 2 and couldn’t fall back asleep so i decided to just get ready for the day. i may regret this decision later.

it’s so dark, the house is quiet except for ava purring intermittently beside me on the couch.

i need to remember to buy my books for class today. i need to remember to be charming today. i need to remember to smile today. plus i’m trying to eat healthier, drink less caffeinated beverages, et cetera. ugh. without caffeine, what am i even?

edit: school was canceled and the campus is closed due to oncoming bad weather. BOOOOOO.

 

 

 

so i guess i’ll just act bored instead

i’m home!

well i’ve been home for about a week.

i cleaned my room really well when i got home, emptied my suitcase, hung up all my clean clothes. it’s not a huge deal, but my room was a mess, with papers in it from two semesters ago. i felt rather accomplished.

my mom got a robotic vacuum for christmas. we named it bunny, as in dust bunny. it vacuumed my room for me. the future is here. my mom has it vacuum every day. it likes to get caught on the outer hearth of the fireplace, making a loud beeping sound when it can’t roll away.

i also picked out clothes i wanna get rid of, bring to goodwill or something.

it’s 1:45AM, i woke up around half an hour ago. now that i’m home i’m back to going to bed early, waking up early. at my grandparents’, it was the opposite. i can’t handle their crazy schedule of going to bed around midnight every freaking night. it’s like guys, i have to wake up in a few hours. they just don’t understand.

liz sent me more photos she had taken of physical photos at my grandparents house, which is such a weirdly low-tech-high-tech way of saving pictures, i know, but my grandma doesn’t have a scanner.

this is one of my favorite pics, because it is of both thomas, my brother, and my favorite dog my grandma ever had, keta:

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i loved keta. i remember being really really jealous of my cousin once because my grandma took her picture with keta and not me. i was livid. i was like five, and i had a full-blown tantrum over that. keta was the bomb.

the sky was so light when i woke up i thought it was later, but it’s not, so i’ll probably try to fall asleep on the couch.

our cat ava is playing with an ornament: a popsicle stick painted red that says joy on it. we still haven’t taken down the tree. the cats have been pretty good with it, though they love when we put fresh water in the base, they think it’s for them to drink out of.

now that i look closer at the sky i see it’s cloudy, no stars, and that eerie orange color. i don’t know how to describe it but i associate it with winter and snow. i should sleep.

i don’t know why i’m such an insomniac half the time. i try to stay asleep but every small thing wakes me up. our dog sleeps in my room so she’s used to getting up later in the night and coming downstairs. oh well, she insists on eating breakfast in a few hours anyway.


and now it’s around 6:45. i slept the rest of the night away, mom fed lucy and walked her. i’m back down on the couch again.

watching ava circle the base of the xmas tree, looking for a nice angle to drink the gross tree water, i’m somehow reminded of something from a long time ago.

my aunt used to live on an acreage, and she had a few barn cats that were friendly. i remember one of them, a black and white tom-cat, liked to follow people around when they were outside, and he was following me around on that particular day, and i was climbing trees. i picked a pine near the end of the driveway, a nice tall one, a good vantage point to see whether anyone was coming. i was probably 10 or 11 years old then.

well i zipped up the pine with the stupid unthinking vigor of youth, and was watching the road for cars, when i heard a meow from behind me. i turned around, and in the next tree, looking dumb and calm, was that damned cat. i remember he was purring super loud, like totally proud of himself, his tail high. he started walking towards me on the thinnest of branches, and of course it started bowing down under his weight, and so i grabbed him, and carefully climbed down the tree with him. i inspected the tree the cat had climbed. he must of had to run half up the thing, it had no branches near the bottom of the trunk. so, stupid cat, or smart cat? i never know with cats. and it is that guessing that i like about them. i try to cultivate that same kind of mystique. stupid sarah, or smart sarah? i seriously may never know the answer to either.

well, it’s 7 and the sun is rising. i have nothing to do today. tomorrow i’m getting up similarly early (at 5), to participate in our store’s annual inventory. it’s fun. lol, i swear, ever year i do it, and every year i tell myself that the next year i won’t work it. and yet every year i do it… i’m going back to sleep again.

 

have you ever had the feeling when you just don’t wanna breathe


IMB_DsInOV

don’t try to be anything basically. skill or creativity. just cuz you’re unique doesn’t mean you’re useful. just because something requires skill doesn’t mean it’s worth doing. that’s like everything. let’s all just lie in the grass and die. oh wait the grass is dead too? dry cold and scratchy? well might as well do whatever, live however, ’cause we’re all just kind of stuck on this marble, whether we know it or not.

an unknown bass jolts around me. i’m listening to an unrelated song through earbuds. im on my way to dell rapids. another hour? another hour. i’m runnin on coffee still. it’s ’bout 10:45pm.

whenever i’m confronted with a new instance of waiting i realize i could wait forever, that in fact I’ve been waiting all along.

a night landscape pair of eyes, all darkness and stupid stumbling in them. a feeling of fear, wanting to hide in some light.

dressed in noncommittal shades of grey, under a blush pink parka. A shirt with a feline grim reaper: ‘meow you must die’ swirling around it.

staring into the abyss of the sky. a spotlight glances dimly off the clouds. looking for a god? none to be found.

the way to meet in avoca was nice. once there, me and brent ate at a diner. i had a veggie omelette, no mushrooms. he had a slice of pie. then like forever later my dad, liz and thomas showed up. and the rest is basically just as mundane. greetings, farewells, and shivering in the cold. then leaving, and more stupid road.

molly finally settled down. their dog, a puggle. she spent an hour looking up at me, whining. she loves seeing people she hasn’t seen in a while.  dumb adoration, returned. i was actually a little worried about her she was so beside herself.

so my cousin’s car accident was apparently pretty bad. she swerved to miss a deer. they always say to just hit it if you have to, that it won’t be as bad for you. how do you judge if you have to tho? i’d probs swerve, in the moment, every time. im dumb like that. nichole was too this time. the truck rolled three times. she’s lucky to be alive. she will probably be in the hospital another several weeks. life is weird in the way it’s a complete bitch sometimes. the deer has not been heard from.

lol molly is back to whining at me.

and we are suddenly there.

grandma’s dogs patty and bella greet us with their barks. patty is a sleek grey weimaraner, bella is a black lab, pitbull mix. they’re both strays that wandered into my grandma’s life, so i’m basically guessing on bella’s heritage. though patty has the typical nervous, taut disposition of a weimeraner, because she is one. she’s so attached to my grandma, it’s eerie.

my grandma seems as ever-moving, busy as always. my grandpa looks like he is fading, bleeding color, seemingly unnoticed by everyone around him. i’m not being callously poetic, looking at him makes me feel deeply sad. his oxygen can be heard hissing, “breathing”, throughout the house.

okay.

it’s about 1:20 in the morn’. i’m done, i’m going to bed. i will have the designated “front bedroom”, called so because it is at the front of the house. it’s just like being a child again except my nerves are buzzing and i have heartburn.

all i’ve forgotten to take from home are face wipes, which is a pain but liveable. i’m brushing my teeth, washing my face the old fashioned way, and going to bed. well actually i’ll probs wait til everyone else is in bed, then sneak around. i feel weirdly shy and kind of uneasy. so it’s a typical 1:30 in the morning for me, really.

 

i’ve waited for you out here, but that may be delusional

how the heckin heck do people choose a favorite song, or even genre? for me it’d be like choosing a favorite child. like, they’re all mine. not that i actually have children, but i’m sure music is comparable to mother-child relationships.

here’s javi being weird from the other day:

BY THE WAY. my paper is done, yay! in sadder news, it is terrible. i hate every word of it. like, what is it even about? is it about the play of light and darkness in the story being some sort of metaphorical thingy for race, as this was written in 1957, and things were pretty damn iffy back then, even in NYC? OR, alternatively, is it about how light represents judgment and dark represents fundamental, inescapable human nature? and something about redemption? lol who even cares. it’s a great story, but i get so frustrated when the author doesn’t spoon-feed me clean-cut meaning and metaphor as fuel for my essays. it’s just so freaking rude.

also, it is now almost 10am. i have been awake for about five hours, and i’m tired, as i went to sleep around 2 last night. woops. i’m sure i’m totally ready to work on my final EXAM today. lmao and the professor said that this was the last class she was teaching where she gave an exam, as she thinks in the realm of literature, they are useless. why not skip this exam entirely then, professor, and we can eat cupcakes and watch a movie instead. remember all those times i said i love writing? lulz.

 

the space we fill is infinitesimal

waking up is so hard. i just want to go back to sleep. i just want to dream.

lol the other night i half woke up, and was half-dreaming, and i carefully pulled the pillow sham off my pillow, and threw both on the floor. i woke up a while later, with no pillow, a little confused, and then remembered.

watching/listening to part of the ken burns vietnam war documentary. sad but interesting. war is so relevant. i wish it wasn’t so relevant, so interesting. so sad. limited warfare, proxy wars. its what we get to live with, have to live with. well not really. i’m in a airtight bubble of ignorant bliss called the US of A.

i’m now pretending that the machine gun fire is just balloons popped in extremely quick succession.

war’s like an angler fish. it draws people in and chews ’em up. lol. WAR IS A FISH. it swims around and around in it’s own filth. a half-blind, unfeeling cannibal of the grotesque. never learning, changing very little. yet in it is innovation, from sea to land, blah blahh blahhhhhhh.