writing out that title, the word despair doesn’t even look real anymore.
i feel like i’ve given pieces of myself up over the years. to fit in, to hurt less. i think a lot of people do that though. it’s growth, but sometimes it feels like erosion.
i received the highest score in the religion class on the test. i missed four questions. we graded them in class, and i had to grade two papers. one person got 17 wrong, the other 13. so i’m relieved. not that they did badly, but that i did well in comparison. i even accidentally said ‘sorry’ to the girl i handed the -17 paper back to. i suppose i just gotta be glad that isn’t me. i wanted to do well, and was worried about it. hey, i got my first win of the semester.
i’m kind of a sad person. like i don’t even know why anymore. there’s no definitive reason. no one shiningly dark moment that made me this way. i’m just kind of down on the serotonin.
i’ve decided i’m going to try to drink more water and cut out more carbs. try to be healthier. drink less caffeine. idk. do people still run? is it cool to run? lol, i run from things all the time. figuratively. flexes figurative muscles, poses smugly
i haven’t been sleeping great. last night is an example. i fell asleep around 2, woke up about three hours later. i feel like it’s just taking a toll on me mentally, not sleeping. i am worried about everything, and the more i worry the less i sleep. and the less i sleep the more i worry about inane bullshit that doesn’t deserve so much thought and mental effort.
i’m even worried that i’m just a worrier. nobody wants to be that. like maybe this is just an essential part of my personality, and i would fall apart without it. if i didn’t drive myself to near insanity with all the anxiety and self-flagellation, i would probs implode. it’s like the constant tension is the thing that keeps me going. oh well, whatever keeps me going, it works. to a certain, painful extent.
that last part makes it sound like i’m just tripping lately, down in the dumps. and i am kind of getting out of a slump, but i am getting out. i will freaking persevere, because and in spite of this big, insignificant blue marble we twirl around endlessly, gracelessly, on.