i’ve never seen the desert before, to be so close to nothing

this one’s a doozy.

it just hit me like a truck while i was trying to fall asleep the other night: i wish i had killed my self years ago. i’ve wasted so much time on earth. i used to think i could be a different person if i was just in a different place. but i’ve lived long enough, and i’ve travelled far enough that i know i will never be able to change.

lol i will never be able to put my family through my suicide tho.

yet i can’t stop thinking about it when each day ends. i’m just tired, i tell myself each night at 1am. do you ever get so tired that suicide seems like the only option. lol i can sleep when i’m dead.

i will probably not kill myself. so who the fuck cares how much pain i am in, right?

sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt, and all that shit, right?

i broke down in the doctor’s office crying when the doc asked if i was okay, after i filled out the stupid depression questionnaire.

i just feel trapped, i told her.

and i do. i feel like a pathetic little animal. like i would rather chew off my own leg than live here. lol.

i love how everyone is okay with how much my life feels like hell, as long as i don’t kill myself and make them feel bad. it isn’t about me, it’s all about them. like people are always saying there are worse things than death, but they don’t believe it. people will say anything to me, all the lies, as long as i don’t make that final step off the edge.

as an abrupt change of subject, we ate indian food after the doctor. it was good and spicy. lol my mom is so oblivious to everything, good for her. she thinks today was a good day.

i would do anything to let everyone remain oblivious in my life. but my resolve is crumbling. i don’t know how much i can keep this shit up. i need to speak to two of my profs and ask them for some sort of leniency for my shit attendance and school-work ethic. the other one is the religion one and since i’m getting more than 100% in that class currently, i’m not too worried.

okay for now i’m done venting to myself. what a great way to end the day: whining.

i take the thought of you and burn it to the ground

got 100% on one of my tests today, the one in world religion. it was about buddhism and sikhism. i was shocked to see my score when it was handed back to me. the one i graded had minus 16. i totally made hardly-educated guesses on a couple of answers. plus there’s a curve, so i got 4 extra points because apparently everyone sucks but me. then after class, i threw up in the bathroom. i guess my stomach decided it wasn’t as overjoyed as me. lol, karma.

i went home not long after that. now i’m beating myself up over leaving, as i totally could have stayed.

i don’t know what’s wrong with me. i’m going to call on friday and try to get in to see the doctor early.

trying to tend to the dead parts of my mind. where nothing good grows. sometimes the truth is so ugly that there is no way to live with it intact and be happy. so we have to twist the truth, distort it, look at it thru rose tinted glasses. pretend we learned deep lessons from it about how life is. that we are stronger, better for it. but it isn’t always the case.

it’s just easier to tell a lie than face the truth in its unadulterated form sometimes. i’ve said it before: i obsess over my perception of the truth and the perception of others. it’s crazy how it never quite matches up, even among people with similar characteristics and values. it’s like we all have the same inkblot of a life, but we all arrive at a different idea of what it all means.

i feel bad about the bridges i’ve burned with the sheer force of my ugly personality. friends who got sick of my pessimist outlook. some people would say, oh, if they were really friends they would have stuck around. but i’m not stupid. i know love like that ain’t unconditional, nor should it be. i know sometimes it’s small things, but they add up, and it’s like the voice that took down the mountain of snow. and i’m left smothered in the cold, all by myself. lol.

all i know is, deep down i’m a contrarian who likes to cause trouble for myself. my first-grade report card literally said ‘sarah does not work well by herself or with others’. mrs. johnson really didn’t like me. i almost tell that story with pride now. like, yeah, i’m a real baddie. anybody with eyes can see that i don’t care.

 

 

when you’re lonely, press play

the trick is to act not just okay, but better than okay. aim for happy, upbeat. smile, laugh, make jokes. it’s easy once you get used to it. even if i’ve just been crying, cutting, thinking about suicide, i can go out and laugh enough, smile enough, lie enough so that nobody would ever suspect. i do warn though, it makes it feel worse, once you’re alone and you can let the mask fall. every friendship feels fake to me because it essentially is faked, by me, quite well. and then while i’m alone i just know that i’ve really always been alone.

last night sucked. night just sucks. i woke up over and over, until it felt like i spent more time trying to fall back asleep than actually sleeping.

ugh, i skipped class all last week. i suck. not to excuse it, i’ve just felt awful lately. i don’t know if this is just a depressive episode or i’m sick or a combination of the two, but i just feel like there’s nothing good in me right now and like nothing is worth doing. but i’m buckling down, doing all the work i have due tomorrow, and studying for the two tests i have tomorrow.

i ran into my stupid professor at work the other day and felt all bad and wrong for missing class a couple of days before. whoops.

easter is stupid. i did nothing for it. celebrations are dumb. being happy is a lie or a dream. i’m aiming for numb now. i’ve said it before, it’s better than this. lol i sound so bitter and sad it’s funny. this too shall probably pass.

i rely on the little things to get me by. conscience says “i’m ok”

i have a fever again, which i shouldn’t have because i just finished a round of antibiotics. i’m still angry and tense and sad at the same time. i don’t want to go to class tomorrow. i don’t know how to help myself.

i have a doctor appointment scheduled april 13. i don’t want to go. but i do at the same time, because nothing feels right..and maybe there’s a reason. i kind of doubt it, i’m an absurdist at heart. there are no reasons, for anything. or, alternatively, it’s ’cause i’m stupid.

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i tend to agree with homer on this one, these days. it’s the simplest answer, the one that makes the most sense.

YOU’RE JUST HAVING A DEPRESSIVE EPISODE, i tell myself in all caps. it’s that simple. no just or righteous reason, my brain just sucks.

i keep thinking about how i have to get up at 4:45 tomorrow and keep going until 3, and i wanna cry. i ache and i’m tired, but i don’t want to sleep. i keep starting things and giving up halfway through. like homework assignments, tv show episodes, life.

ok i’m done whining for now. worst entry ever.

up here in the air, i’m just mumbling at the clouds

the other night i had a really weird experience. i was laying in bed, falling asleep, on my back with my arms at my sides, when i felt this weird buzzing feeling in my head. then it escalated into this electric-jolt feeling through my head, and with my eyes closed there were these flashing lights. i kind of felt like i was dreaming, but i knew i wasn’t at the same time. it lasted around 10 seconds i think.

i remember trying to open my eyes, and my lids felt heavy and it felt like i had something in my eyes, ’cause my vision was blurred. then, a minute or two later, it happened again. this time was a bit worse/longer, and i remember my arms feeling tingly, like goosebumps, while my head felt like it had a current running through it.

the whole thing wasn’t painful, exactly, it was just kind of uncomfortable and unnerving. i felt really confused and disoriented after, though i’m pretty sure i fell asleep not long after this, lol. i don’t think it happened a third time, as i remember kind of waiting for it to happen and then maybe drifting to sleep. it wasn’t a startling experience at the time, but the next day i was wtf-ing all over the place trying to figure out what the hell happened.

soo i’m probs going to go to the doctor, though i don’t know what i’m going to say or they are going to do. i don’t like doctors, to say the least. it’s all about anxiety and control i guess.

well, i did go to urgent care, but that was just because i had a fever for a couple of weeks and my throat was sore and so on. got prescribed antibiotics, went home, it ws easy. but i’m still afraid of going to the doctor about my back and about that weird episode described above. i hate people touching me, i don’t like to be looked at closely, and i don’t like the idea of finding out there is something more wrong with me. i don’t wanna be told things i already suspect, even. the only thing i don’t really mind is having blood drawn. i’m morbidly fascinated by that part. the rest is just weird to me.

i’m not in a good mood today. everything is grating on me. on days like this, i seriously find myself hating everyone. my mom is a vitriolic person who walks all over everyone. my stepdad is an idiot, in every single sense of the word. i hate them both deeply and truly right now. and there are so many garbage human beings out there i’m just half-convinced the ideal lifestyle is some sort of celibate, hermit-like existence where all shopping is done online and families are something made up to make me want to kill myself. i don’t know. i’m just terrible today. but that’s just ’cause i was on the register for a few hours straight and i hate it so much i wanted to walk out. but i didn’t. life is about being proud of doing things you hate. and that is beautiful, they tell me. it is strength, they say. it’s a good thing.

there’s also this girl i work with who is annoyingly rude to me. it’s just little things, but they just wear away at me until i want to walk away from humanity as a whole. i’m an all or nothing person, what can i say? it’s a bad habit. when the only interactions you have with people all day are either completely neutral, or completely bad, it gets tiring. i am also thinking of deleting facebook for a while. it just depresses me. nobody talks to me, so i assume they don’t want to talk to me, so i don’t talk to them. instead, i observe their social lives play out in the form of pictures and little videos. and then i feel left out of some special clique of beautiful people, like i’m 14 again.

when i was 14, i basically forced my way into the “popular” clique. i figured if i sat with them at lunch and followed them around enough, they would just get used to me being around, and eventually not even remember a time without me. it worked surprisingly well. i got invited to birthdays and stupid little parties and did some fun stuff. though i don’t think they were great friendships. i was deeply lonely and anxious and sad most of the time. so pretty much like now. but i’m not sure if it’s healthy for one’s social life to feel like a social experiment, so i doubt i will try it again. people aren’t worth the effort, at least from what i know from being a person.

 

pick it up, pick it all up and start again

i’m sick again. this winter has been kind of wretched for illness. it started as a sort of tickle in the back of my throat and then it hurt to swallow, then i started coughing. then i couldn’t breathe through my nose, lol. and that’s how i freaking breathe. i couldn’t sleep because of it. i missed a day of class, which sucks, but hey, it will be okay. i don’t wanna sound whiny, but the worst was the feverish, general shitty feeling that comes with being sick.

i’m in a good mood because i don’t work tomorrow. the first sunday off in a few weeks.

well i guess it isn’t a good mood, quite. i actually feel kind of numb. but feeling nothing is better than down in the dumps, just kill me now depression.

and i’m obviously getting better, physical illness-wise. i haven’t been coughing nearly as much; it’s just my sinuses that kind of hurt.

the weather was nice today.

i’m trying not to be down, trying not to think about not having friends, not having anyone other than my parents and siblings to care about me. i don’t know. like, my family’s love is heavy, a burden sometimes. often i think it’s the only reason i keep living, keep aimlessly striving. people say that a burden shared is a burden lifted, or something like that. i don’t really think that’s true at all. ’cause not only then do you have to worry, you worry about the other person worrying. so you just hold on to your burdens and jealously guard them against anyone who would try to take them away. i don’t know who i would be without this weight on my shoulders anyway.

on a bright side, ava is being really friendly lately. she lets all of us pet her, and when i go into the kitchen to cook she will often follow me in and meow at me. she likes the rug in the dining room, and if you walk over to it she will often follow, and roll around to receive pets. i don’t know what it is, but she’s really coming around to us. she is still a little skittish, but you can tell she at least has a fondness for us. she likes to lay on the back of the couch, behind where i’m always sitting. i love her so much and feel really grateful to have her.

i remember when ava was still a feral cat living outside, me and my mom were walking lucy in the dead of winter, and we spotted her sitting on a manhole cover for warmth. she looked so forlorn and cold, meowing at us with her raspy little voice, that my heart seriously broke a bit. it was hard because i never thought we could help her much, i thought that she would probably die out there one day, somehow, in the cold world, alone. that we have her with us now is amazing to me. i mean, yeah, i’m an easy crier, so this doesn’t mean much, but i could seriously tear up thinking about how lucky we are to have ava and the kittens. lol, and ari, of course.

and lucy is eternal, so i feel like she goes without mentioning.

ok, enough waxing poetic about pets. i’m going to try to sleep.

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