i fell in love with a war. nobody told me it ended

last night i slept in the living room with lucy because she won’t climb the stairs. well more like can’t. her sight is too bad.

tonight it’s the same. it makes me extremely sad.

i don’t know what to do about anything. i’m in a rut that i doubt i will get out of for a good while. i barely work anymore because i assumed i was going to be starting school again soon. so much for that. and now that i’m moving, i may have to wait even longer, because out-of-state tuition is often crazy for state schools and i doubt at this point i could get into a good private school. the only thing i have going for me is a high ACT score and that doesn’t even make a dent in my terrible school record. i am already looking at schools, but i am just getting ahead of myself because the immediate future looks so shitty/scary to me. i honestly just want to bury my head in the sand. i am so frustrated and sad tonight, with everything.

i don’t even know what i’m crying about anymore. i’m just going to try and read or watch something. or maybe i’ll just try to sleep. yeah.

 

now i gotta wait around and watch you burn so bright

i wasn’t accepted at the school i really wanted to attend. i’m not going to let this ruin my day or week though. they jerked me around forever deciding whether to accept me with my shaky past, and i felt like shit for it. i feel like i’m in limbo again, but i’m not going to cry over this. there are other schools. i’ll be okay.

my mom said it might be for the best as we’re sort of in limbo about moving, too. it all depends if my stepdad lands a job. so if i started school and then they moved, that would suck. he has interviews lined up in minneapolis and washington d.c.

out of the two i would like to live in minneapolis more, because my little bro is about to move up there. plus it’s just a nice city. but d.c. is like 4 hours from nyc, and that’s where my other brother lives. so either one would be cool.

the only annoyance i really have pertains to my dad, as he will be upset if he hears i’m moving. i haven’t spoken to him in a while. not on purpose. it’s not like he’s called me either. i am just really distracted from everything. i feel like i’m being pulled in a few different directions at once. i don’t know what the future holds at this point.

my mood’s been kind of all over the place lately, with everything. it’s up, then it’s down, then it’s up again. tiny things, little words change my entire perspective.

 

i dreamt we spoke again

the world seems crazy bright lately. it’s almost blinding. kind of annoying, like a super sunny day, light in my eyes.

i’m still waiting on my first choice college to decide my fate. i emailed the admissions advisor and he said it should be some time this coming week now. he totally said that a couple of weeks ago. i’m hopeful tho.

i know my college career was rocky at first, and i didn’t have the best grades or gpa, but for once i feel motivated to try again. hit restart and just forget that person i was.

the advisor asked me about when i started school, and what the reason was for my shitty grades. well, he phrased it more tactfully. so i issued a personal statement for the admissions committee explaining my past and how i am presently in a much better place, and have a support system and medication/treatment plan in place, and am much more compliant, accepting with my diagnosis, and willing to seek help.

ugh and then, of course, i second guess myself. am i in a better place? i want to be so bad right now. i want to begin again. i want to be better. if not for myself, then for other people in my life. that’s probably the worst thing about it though: i still don’t really value myself enough to do things for the sake of my wellbeing. i still go through the motions for the people around me. i need to work on that whole self-regard thing. i will get there though. i have people rooting for me. i will decide to do the same. i deserve it.

i haven’t been working much, and it’s been driving me a bit stir-crazy, but if that’s the worst thing i have going for me, i’m good. plus i think it is a good sign it has been weighing on me, as i have more energy and more motivation. i just want to do something, get moving forward. so yeah, things are looking up.

 

 

after all the laughter, emptiness prevails

my therapist got a new puppy, as one of her dogs died. she loves daschunds. his name is murphy. he is still too young to know his name, and so he just kind of ignores ya, unless you seem really interesting, or are wearing shoes that are fun to bite (i was). she brought him on friday. here he is in all of his glory:

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no photo could ever capture how tiny and precious he is.

i got mad at my mom the other day. totally blew up at her through text. stupid sarah…

now i’m terrified. she’s coming home later today. it’s about 7, i’ve been up for a few hours. i work later today. she hasn’t texted me back at all.

in good news, i’ve been talking to nafees, that guy from pakistan. he seems happy, which i’m happy about. the place he lives is gorgeous. i remember researching swat when i knew him years ago. queen elizabeth visited it once, decades ago, and referred to it as the switzerland of the east, due to the idyllic mountain scenery.

i remember describing to him the black hills in south dakota when i was about to take a trip there. lol the closest thing to mountains i’d ever experienced. i mean, i’ve been to switzerland, but airports don’t count.

i’ve been watching cartoons in my spare time. it’s sad. i’ve run outta good grown-up shows. well, i’ve been watching a show called killing eve, which i find funny, though i’m not sure it’s always supposed to be funny.

the cartoons i choose to watch are steven universe, which was actually a show i didn’t initially “get”. i retried it months later, and then got hooked on it. the second show is star vs. the forces of evil, which is so different than what i thought it would be. it kind of reminds me of a magical girl style anime, but better. i didn’t like it at first but someone online recommended it, and i wanted to see it through. and before i knew it, i’d run out of episodes. i will be the first to admit i’m childish, but at least the childish things i partake of have actual plots. i mean, there are a few standalone episodes, but they fit in with the grand scheme in their own way.

whatever. both shows are on hiatus right now, and so i’m sad. i think i’m going to try taking up watercolor painting again. i suck at it, it’s hard. but i’m going to try. lol, i could paint fanart. hahaha. i always wanted to be that kind of person.

i’m still waiting to hear back from the college i applied for. i sent them my official previous college transcripts and everything, and they’ve received them, and now i just gotta wait.

i always thought i might be bad, now i’m sure that its true. ‘cause i think you’re so good and i’m nothing like you

i haven’t been sleeping great, and have had to wake up by 5 last week, over the weekend and today, so it’s been a weird, blurry while.

i’m glad there’s such thing as mother’s day, as i like an excuse to buy my mom stuff. i like buying gifts for people. a lot of people deserve more gifts, especially mothers.

i got my mom a necklace and this card.

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it’s funny because it could totally be one of our cats, or a metaphor for me being all destructive and impractical at times, me and my siblings. but we love her and she loves us, for some reason. probably because we’re all so adorable.

i know i complain about my mom a lot, and i bet she wants to complain about me, lol. but i don’t know what i would do without her. she’s my closest friend and the one real constant in my life. without her the world would be like a million times scarier.

there isn’t much going on in my life. though this week i am going to apply for a few universities, which is scary. i’m thinking of this smaller school, which is more expensive and competitive, but i think it would be a good fit for me. i like the idea of getting to know professors and having them actually know who i am.

with steps forward like this my anxiety goes into overdrive of what-ifs. but i’ve talked it over with myself, and there aren’t that many possible pitfalls of applying to a college. the worst thing is that they won’t accept me. and there are so many schools out there.

so i’m nervous but i’ve felt a little better since i found out i passed my last semester.

i’m thinking of trying to completely cut caffeine from my diet. i just rely on it too much, and i worry it messes with my sleep more than i know. i try not to drink anything with caffeine after 12pm, but sometimes have some like to get me through a paper or other homework. it’s not healthy. plus lately i keep getting heartburn, and it’s really annoying. i’d wean myself off of it though so i can avoid headaches.

overall, things are okay. i’m managing like usual. plodding away like the persistent though often unsuccessful treasure that i am.

i figure things may not be going great, but they will keep going, regardless. time is stupid like that. so i might as well enjoy the things before they pass me by on the way to wherever i’m going right now. i may not have this view tomorrow, so i’m going to hold on to it today.

 

 

 

 

i was born in a thunderstorm

ugh i deactivated my facebook account for like the third time. my birthday is approaching. i hate birthdays. people give me attention that i feel is undeserved, and it makes me squirm.

but my dad was in playa del carmen still, and so he made me reactivate facebook to look at his damn pictures. he went parasailing, caught some fish. he had fun. i’m super happy for him. he has seriously never been on vacation in his life. the last time he was out of the country was when he was in the army. and in the pics he looks really happy. it’s pretty great.

just found out i passed my classes….i was sure i was going to fail at least one. lol i’m not mad though. i still haven’t processed it yet. i have a degree. i’m done with that school. i’m going to miss my advisor.

now i just have to decide what to do next.

in august i’m going to new york to visit my brother. i bet it’ll be fun. we went there once, when i was around 14. it wasn’t as impressive as i thought. the empire state building wasn’t that tall. i was always more of a chrysler building person. or even the flatiron building.

i rearranged some money to start saving for whatever. the future, i guess. and all that entails.

everything’s coming together somehow. lol, time to really flip my shit and have a breakdown i guess.

 

alien observer in a world that isn’t mine

it’s almost 6pm. i am done with finals.

i don’t even care if i get a d as a grade in those two classes. as long as i pass. maybe they’ll have mercy on me. i’m thinking now i’m getting a c in one of the classes. ugh. that i’m okay with that just shows how far i’ve sunk. i don’t even wanna think about what this will do to my gpa. it wasn’t that great to begin with.

my environmental science teacher let me take my test i missed on tuesday, after i took the final. she is nice. i would even think she was nice if i didn’t get to retake it. she is fond of animals, has a big heart. i can tell she cares about things more than she has to.

i got a weather alert on my phone, tornado warning. that basically means either there is currently a tornado in the area, or one is imminent. and the alarms are going off. lol it’s funny to me how nonchalant people act when there’s a tornado. me included. i always joke that it can’t reach us, as ‘the buildings around us will slow it down too much’.

took this pic of the dandelions earlier. dandelion comes from french, dent de lion, which means lion’s tooth. i used to love learning the meaning of flower names. i like french too, it’s pretty and not too hard to remember. i always liked dandelions as well..nobody likes em. people try to kill them because they thrive. they’re great, and people try to bring ’em down because of that. so, i can’t relate but i’d like to one day.

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this was at my last final, afterward. i’m still not very confident i passed the class, but i’m glad i at least attempted, though i don’t think i did that well on the final. i’m still a little bitter that my teacher never emailed me back, and didn’t even bother talking to me in class. this is his last semester teaching, and he acts he doesn’t really care about it.

my mom bought some white, red, and yellow poppies today. they are a favorite of mine, especially the classic red. we used to have some growing along our house when we lived in a little town called emmetsburg. it’s named after robert emmet, who was an irish patriot who was hung, drawn and quartered for treason against the english. history: so beautiful.

in emmetsburg we lived next to a lake. i remember losing a pair of shoes to the mud at the bottom. looking for shells with my brother near the dock in early spring, the water freezing, but us having fun. searching for as many violets as i could pick. our old cat fritz bathing in sunlight in the living room. lol, he was a ginger cat. i liked to think he was named after the astronomer fritz zwicky, though i don’t think he was. that guy was pretty neat. he would call people spherical bastards, because they were bastards any way you looked at them. so funny. so angry.

now i’m upstairs, because lucy is restless.

i took a picture of her the other night. added the hearts ’cause she’s so special to me. she needs a bath and her claws trimmed. tomorrow i’m probs gonna do the bath thing if it’s nice out.

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it’s funny, our cat ari is declawed in the front, which i don’t agree with, but he is. he’s the only cat we have that is declawed. yet he’s the only cat that uses our scratching post. the other cats scratch up the furniture like the heathens/gods that they are. love ’em.

i’m pretty much in shock over everything. ok, that’s dramatic. but that’s what it feels like. i feel numb. like i’m done with feeling everything. i’m done with experiencing life in this flesh prison. also, i keep making stupid jokes that only i laugh at. so i guess all is pretty much the same as it always was.

tomorrow i have an appointment with my therapist. i don’t know if she’s a great shrink. i’ve been thinking about it. i have her phone number, she lets me text her because she trusts me enough not to abuse that privilege. i know a bit about her life. i’ve met her dog. i freaking love her dog. her dog’s name is lucy, so i gotta. plus she’s a dog, so yeah it’s pretty standard for her to be great. where was i? oh yeah, my shrink. i wouldn’t try and find a new one. i wouldn’t wanna hurt her feelings. plus i kind of like that sometimes she feels a lot like a friend. i don’t have friends. i’m bad at having friends. it makes sense that i’d have to pay to have a friend. lmao, a platonic prostitute. a friendly fille de joie. a call-girl confidante.

k again, i’m done again for the day.

also, this is like the millionth time i’ve typed something out, then deleted it. today’s the day i guess. i did great.