after all the laughter, emptiness prevails

my therapist got a new puppy, as one of her dogs died. she loves daschunds. his name is murphy. he is still too young to know his name, and so he just kind of ignores ya, unless you seem really interesting, or are wearing shoes that are fun to bite (i was). she brought him on friday. here he is in all of his glory:

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no photo could ever capture how tiny and precious he is.

i got mad at my mom the other day. totally blew up at her through text. stupid sarah…

now i’m terrified. she’s coming home later today. it’s about 7, i’ve been up for a few hours. i work later today. she hasn’t texted me back at all.

in good news, i’ve been talking to nafees, that guy from pakistan. he seems happy, which i’m happy about. the place he lives is gorgeous. i remember researching swat when i knew him years ago. queen elizabeth visited it once, decades ago, and referred to it as the switzerland of the east, due to the idyllic mountain scenery.

i remember describing to him the black hills in south dakota when i was about to take a trip there. lol the closest thing to mountains i’d ever experienced. i mean, i’ve been to switzerland, but airports don’t count.

i’ve been watching cartoons in my spare time. it’s sad. i’ve run outta good grown-up shows. well, i’ve been watching a show called killing eve, which i find funny, though i’m not sure it’s always supposed to be funny.

the cartoons i choose to watch are steven universe, which was actually a show i didn’t initially “get”. i retried it months later, and then got hooked on it. the second show is star vs. the forces of evil, which is so different than what i thought it would be. it kind of reminds me of a magical girl style anime, but better. i didn’t like it at first but someone online recommended it, and i wanted to see it through. and before i knew it, i’d run out of episodes. i will be the first to admit i’m childish, but at least the childish things i partake of have actual plots. i mean, there are a few standalone episodes, but they fit in with the grand scheme in their own way.

whatever. both shows are on hiatus right now, and so i’m sad. i think i’m going to try taking up watercolor painting again. i suck at it, it’s hard. but i’m going to try. lol, i could paint fanart. hahaha. i always wanted to be that kind of person.

i’m still waiting to hear back from the college i applied for. i sent them my official previous college transcripts and everything, and they’ve received them, and now i just gotta wait.

i always thought i might be bad, now i’m sure that its true. ‘cause i think you’re so good and i’m nothing like you

i haven’t been sleeping great, and have had to wake up by 5 last week, over the weekend and today, so it’s been a weird, blurry while.

i’m glad there’s such thing as mother’s day, as i like an excuse to buy my mom stuff. i like buying gifts for people. a lot of people deserve more gifts, especially mothers.

i got my mom a necklace and this card.

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it’s funny because it could totally be one of our cats, or a metaphor for me being all destructive and impractical at times, me and my siblings. but we love her and she loves us, for some reason. probably because we’re all so adorable.

i know i complain about my mom a lot, and i bet she wants to complain about me, lol. but i don’t know what i would do without her. she’s my closest friend and the one real constant in my life. without her the world would be like a million times scarier.

there isn’t much going on in my life. though this week i am going to apply for a few universities, which is scary. i’m thinking of this smaller school, which is more expensive and competitive, but i think it would be a good fit for me. i like the idea of getting to know professors and having them actually know who i am.

with steps forward like this my anxiety goes into overdrive of what-ifs. but i’ve talked it over with myself, and there aren’t that many possible pitfalls of applying to a college. the worst thing is that they won’t accept me. and there are so many schools out there.

so i’m nervous but i’ve felt a little better since i found out i passed my last semester.

i’m thinking of trying to completely cut caffeine from my diet. i just rely on it too much, and i worry it messes with my sleep more than i know. i try not to drink anything with caffeine after 12pm, but sometimes have some like to get me through a paper or other homework. it’s not healthy. plus lately i keep getting heartburn, and it’s really annoying. i’d wean myself off of it though so i can avoid headaches.

overall, things are okay. i’m managing like usual. plodding away like the persistent though often unsuccessful treasure that i am.

i figure things may not be going great, but they will keep going, regardless. time is stupid like that. so i might as well enjoy the things before they pass me by on the way to wherever i’m going right now. i may not have this view tomorrow, so i’m going to hold on to it today.

 

 

 

 

i was born in a thunderstorm

ugh i deactivated my facebook account for like the third time. my birthday is approaching. i hate birthdays. people give me attention that i feel is undeserved, and it makes me squirm.

but my dad was in playa del carmen still, and so he made me reactivate facebook to look at his damn pictures. he went parasailing, caught some fish. he had fun. i’m super happy for him. he has seriously never been on vacation in his life. the last time he was out of the country was when he was in the army. and in the pics he looks really happy. it’s pretty great.

just found out i passed my classes….i was sure i was going to fail at least one. lol i’m not mad though. i still haven’t processed it yet. i have a degree. i’m done with that school. i’m going to miss my advisor.

now i just have to decide what to do next.

in august i’m going to new york to visit my brother. i bet it’ll be fun. we went there once, when i was around 14. it wasn’t as impressive as i thought. the empire state building wasn’t that tall. i was always more of a chrysler building person. or even the flatiron building.

i rearranged some money to start saving for whatever. the future, i guess. and all that entails.

everything’s coming together somehow. lol, time to really flip my shit and have a breakdown i guess.

 

alien observer in a world that isn’t mine

it’s almost 6pm. i am done with finals.

i don’t even care if i get a d as a grade in those two classes. as long as i pass. maybe they’ll have mercy on me. i’m thinking now i’m getting a c in one of the classes. ugh. that i’m okay with that just shows how far i’ve sunk. i don’t even wanna think about what this will do to my gpa. it wasn’t that great to begin with.

my environmental science teacher let me take my test i missed on tuesday, after i took the final. she is nice. i would even think she was nice if i didn’t get to retake it. she is fond of animals, has a big heart. i can tell she cares about things more than she has to.

i got a weather alert on my phone, tornado warning. that basically means either there is currently a tornado in the area, or one is imminent. and the alarms are going off. lol it’s funny to me how nonchalant people act when there’s a tornado. me included. i always joke that it can’t reach us, as ‘the buildings around us will slow it down too much’.

took this pic of the dandelions earlier. dandelion comes from french, dent de lion, which means lion’s tooth. i used to love learning the meaning of flower names. i like french too, it’s pretty and not too hard to remember. i always liked dandelions as well..nobody likes em. people try to kill them because they thrive. they’re great, and people try to bring ’em down because of that. so, i can’t relate but i’d like to one day.

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this was at my last final, afterward. i’m still not very confident i passed the class, but i’m glad i at least attempted, though i don’t think i did that well on the final. i’m still a little bitter that my teacher never emailed me back, and didn’t even bother talking to me in class. this is his last semester teaching, and he acts he doesn’t really care about it.

my mom bought some white, red, and yellow poppies today. they are a favorite of mine, especially the classic red. we used to have some growing along our house when we lived in a little town called emmetsburg. it’s named after robert emmet, who was an irish patriot who was hung, drawn and quartered for treason against the english. history: so beautiful.

in emmetsburg we lived next to a lake. i remember losing a pair of shoes to the mud at the bottom. looking for shells with my brother near the dock in early spring, the water freezing, but us having fun. searching for as many violets as i could pick. our old cat fritz bathing in sunlight in the living room. lol, he was a ginger cat. i liked to think he was named after the astronomer fritz zwicky, though i don’t think he was. that guy was pretty neat. he would call people spherical bastards, because they were bastards any way you looked at them. so funny. so angry.

now i’m upstairs, because lucy is restless.

i took a picture of her the other night. added the hearts ’cause she’s so special to me. she needs a bath and her claws trimmed. tomorrow i’m probs gonna do the bath thing if it’s nice out.

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it’s funny, our cat ari is declawed in the front, which i don’t agree with, but he is. he’s the only cat we have that is declawed. yet he’s the only cat that uses our scratching post. the other cats scratch up the furniture like the heathens/gods that they are. love ’em.

i’m pretty much in shock over everything. ok, that’s dramatic. but that’s what it feels like. i feel numb. like i’m done with feeling everything. i’m done with experiencing life in this flesh prison. also, i keep making stupid jokes that only i laugh at. so i guess all is pretty much the same as it always was.

tomorrow i have an appointment with my therapist. i don’t know if she’s a great shrink. i’ve been thinking about it. i have her phone number, she lets me text her because she trusts me enough not to abuse that privilege. i know a bit about her life. i’ve met her dog. i freaking love her dog. her dog’s name is named lucy, so i gotta. plus she’s a dog, so yeah it’s pretty standard for her to be great. where was i? oh yeah, my shrink. i wouldn’t try and find a new one. i wouldn’t wanna hurt her feelings. plus i kind of like that sometimes she feels a lot like a friend. i don’t have friends. i’m bad at having friends. it makes sense that i’d have to pay to have a friend. lmao, a platonic prostitute. a friendly fille de joie. a call-girl confidante.

k again, i’m done again for the day.

also, this is like the millionth time i’ve typed something out, then deleted it. today’s the day i guess. i did great.

 

you ran away from your uselessness like you had something to prove

i can’t decide if i’m a cynic or not. this is just one of the important choices i make every day. well, and is it really just one choice? or is it like a bunch of choices that add up to one thing eventually? can anyone even add that stuff up objectively? methinks not. so since nobody can really judge me accurately, i’m gonna just call myself an optimist. that’ll show ’em.

i saw a meme that was actually not a meme but just a twitter screenshot passed off as a meme; it said that all kids who read at a 12th grade level in 4th grade are now severely depressed and totally illiterate. i don’t know if this counts as bragging or dragging my self down, but that person has me all figured out.

lol i had a crush on a dumbass in 4th or 5th grade, and i told my friend, and she immediately ran and told him. i lost a crush and a friend that day, so sad. ’cause i, of course, had to explain to his face that i used to have a crush on him. so from then on i just tried not to care for him at all. and the moral of the story is trust no one and keep your feelings to yourself until it is too late to act on them. i’m good at finding morals. also, love is garbage and anyone who tells you otherwise is trying to lead you astray from the light and joy that faux apathy brings. by really, i joke. i mean, if love is garbage and we all deserve garbage, we deserve love. my philosophical depth is awe-inspiring.

elementary school is a haze of bad memories kinda. like there are a few nice bright moments where i felt good about the world and my place in it. but i was pretty damaged as a kid and so it colors every memory in a sadder light if i let it.

they say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, and if that is true, i’m dead.

a little dot in the middle of the nation. the heartland. the midwest. the flyover states.

parts of south dakota are beautiful. the black hills, the badlands. mount rushmore was disappointing even as a child seeing it. i would honestly rather see the crazy horse memorial. it’s supposed to be like ten times larger.

i used to say i wanted to have a house built in the badlands. obviously, it’s state parkland so that is actually illegal. that is the kind of illicit activity that i wanna engage in.

deadwood reminds me of dell rapids. i once told my grandma i would retire there, hahaha. i’ve since changed my mind, but it would be nice to see the place again.

over the weekend my mother and i went to the hindu temple in madrid, iowa. i was nervous. i brought a bouquet of coral-colored roses as a gift, which i thought would be nice for one of the shrines.

i’m going to send a thank you card to one of the priests there, he was very helpful. i didn’t ask many questions, but he answered so well and fully that i didn’t really need to. then this morning i did my presentation, and that went well.

next week i have finals, and i’m dreading it. i keep looking for a way out, but i think the only way out is through.

my one teacher hasn’t emailed me back. freaking typical. on thursday i might go to my advisor. or not. i just talked myself out of it. she won’t be any help. there is no help. all the things that are supposed to be helpful just end up making things worse. booooo everything is terrible. i keep waiting for everything to catch up to me. i’m honestly terrified.

i’m up later than usual. i don’t wanna lay down and sleep. once i’m asleep i’m fine. but before i fall asleep and when i wake up are the worst. every little thing comes to haunt me before i sleep. when i wake up, a new day is beginning. and i waste it. no matter what i do it’s a waste. i know i’m just being negative. that it’s all distorted by my current state. but i can’t see the future and if i did i bet i would be a bit disappointed but not really surprised.

i wonder how the people i care about are doing but don’t reach out to them, because they don’t care about me, i think. if they did, why don’t they reach out to me? lol. it’s like i always have this hope that someone will reach out, because i know i never will. i always have this hope an extrovert will save me. silly. hope is another garbage concept that brings all the pain that we deserve. add it to the list. if i was simply indifferent and accepting of my situation, i would not feel as bad. can’t feel bad about not having that which doesn’t exist. lol, if we all just eliminate love and hope from our lives we’ll be much happier for it. haha i’m so bright. like a gigantic ball of fire soaring through space, i bring the sunshine.

yeah i’m going to just drop and be done with this thinking thing. consciousness is wasted on me.

i love everyone that i have ever known

i never really talked about my dna results from xmas. apparently (lol this isn’t really a surprise) about 60% of my dna is of western european origin. boring. it’s all germany, netherlands, belgium, and luxembourg. the rest is ireland/scotland/wales, iberian peninsula, great britain, scandinavia, european jewish, northwest russian, and less than 2% polynesian. so i’m a european mutt. guess i gotta start colonizing the whole freaking universe now and building neoclassical architecture all over da place in my own honor. no, i’m american, so i’ve really gotta start liberating people of their lives and give the rest freedom and equality and fraternity…okay and we’re back to france.

so boring really, though. i wanted a surprise. like maybe i’m not actually human or something along those lines, or i was adopted and my real family is even cooler. i also hoped it would give me an idea of my grandma’s father’s heritage. i always wondered about him. my grandma was adopted by her stepfather, and only met her biological dad twice in her life. i was always super curious about that. so mysterious.

it is 4:30 PM and it is snowing. i hope it snows so much class is cancelled tomorrow morning. snow days are the best. it’s a shame i hate winter so much, otherwise i could enjoy it. i used to like it. snow angels, snow forts, getting a four-wheeler stuck in the snow. ah. simpler times apparently revolved around snow.

alas, class probably won’t be cancelled. the snow isn’t really even sticking, it melts as it arrives.

all we’re doing in world religion is listening to dumb presentations. i’m sorry jan, but i don’t care about how the anglican church moved away from the catholic church and the pentecostal church moved away from the anglican church. so. boring. ok so it is a little interesting, and by interesting i mean funny. like, there are so many denominations with only slight differences, it’s crazy. i went to a non-denominational church up until age 7, and i’m pretty sure that’s a sin. i wonder if there is a separate heaven for each denomination, or how they sorted that out. seems like an oversight on somebody’s part. get on that. shakes fist at sky

all the cats are sleeping except ari. he’s prowling around, from window to window, watching the snowflakes tumble down.

walking lucy earlier was nice. the snow rustled my coat softly as it landed. it was almost peaceful, except for the traffic ruining my nice usual iowa april moment of snowfall.

 

if he made me in his image then he’s a failure too

i wouldn’t read this one.

i don’t like talking about this with people.. i have a hard enough time making friends, without a divergent worldview.

i used to be religious, but then i realized i didn’t have to be. lol, peer pressure. i used to describe myself as an atheist, as a secular humanist, and now i found a great new word: an apatheist

see, all my friends were religious, and went to an after-school program called release. i don’t really remember what we did there, just normal activities, like games and coloring and such, but with religious overtones.

one day i thought to ask one of my friends, phoebe, why she didn’t go to release. she was younger than all of us, because she was put ahead a grade. even back then i could tell she was very “with-it”. like, very self-aware. i didn’t possess that trait much yet, but could recognize it in others. so i asked her why she didn’t go, and she answered that her family wasn’t religious and that she didn’t really believe in God. and that freaking blew my mind. i was such a follower, so indoctrinated, that it didn’t even cross my mind that it was an option not to believe in God. and so the seed of doubt was planted by a little sinner named phoebe, lmao. my friends back in elementary school were little jerks, as was i. phoebe was kind of apart from all of us, though. i still wonder how she’s doing, but this was forever ago, so i don’t really wanna reach out like a weirdo.

by age 14 i was on my last religious leg. i got sick of the bigotry, the hypocrisy. even now when i encounter it, i feel sick. like this guy in my religion class, who said aloud that he hoped gays knew that they were evil. ugh. i almost lied and said that i was gay, as i wanted to mess with him. but, alas, i didn’t.

sometimes i miss being religious. no questions, no thinking about all the what-ifs in the world. just simple, blind, dumb (not as in stupid, but as in silent) acceptance of fate. but i can’t seem to go back to that headspace. it’s gone, which is okay with me. i was an emotional wreck when i was religious, too, so i don’t think the bible or the torah or the quran could help me now. i don’t think they say anything about mental illness.

i know that religion can be a powerful tool for good, but i just can’t shake the fact that it can be a powerful tool for evil, too. i don’t wanna end up on the bad side of history. though honestly, i enjoy meeting and learning from people of different faiths, as long as it isn’t the toxic sort of faith that makes you think of gay people as evil.

i think i’ve said this before, but i am so mean-spirited and vengeful that the only time i wish i believed in a definitive afterlife, heaven-and-hell type scenario for the universe is when i meet a particularly ugly-on-the-inside person. then i wish with all my heart that there was a special hell for them. and it’s funny, all the bad sorts are so convinced in their own religious or moral superiority, so convinced the good afterlife is waiting for them. i’d probs go to hell. i don’t believe in any deity (and if i did, i still wouldn’t worship any of the current ones ’cause frankly they all seem like narcissistic dicks in the sky). so if there is an afterlife, i’m screwed. which is okay. i’m having such fun here.

i just want everyone, whatever their faith, to not be an ass to me or anyone else. is that too much to ask?

looks around

apparently, yes.