the flags are all dead at the top of their poles

we say we’re not like them, but we love a good martyr too. we love a mindless, senseless patriot. someone willing to kill, die, or end up an empty shell for the interests of the governing body and its allies. oh, america. how you ache at the cognitive dissonance of it all. what the hell happened? you were never what you said you were.

there’re two ducks, a male and female, that hang around the house. they like to eat the dried mealworms my mom mixes into the birdseed she puts outside. ducks are cute. they come waddling up, and we make sure not to go outside and disturb them. it’s like a little wildlife refuge, despite being in the middle of town. we get deer that eat from the birdfeeder on our porch, a raccoon that eats the cat food we leave out for stray cats, two squirrels, a chipmunk, a big fat rabbit and one little, young rabbit. so many animals. i love watching them.

one of my fond memories from my childhood is from my grandma’s house, where i’d stay occasionally, especially after my grandfather died. i’d sit in her little sitting area, the windows crowded with flora like jade plants and cacti and geraniums, and at sunset i’d watch the deer through binoculars as they came out of the woods to eat corn my grandma left out for them.

she had two huge gardens. i’d wander through them and the woods, pretending i lived out there. i even built a fort out of tree branches. it was pretty neat.

this was in minnesota, and my grandma had a lady slipper flower, which is actually minnesota’s state flower and so illegal to pick or uproot, and i’m pretty sure she uprooted it at some point to have it. she gave my mother the habit of carrying a shovel in the trunk of the car in case there was something good growing on the side of the road, like wild asparagus or something “fun” like that, haha.

she moved to a smaller place and sold her house way back in 2015. seems like it was just a few months ago.

i remember her yelling at me and my brother for climbing trees on her property. lol she was afraid we would scuff up the branches, not afraid for our safety.

i miss minnesota. the land of 10,000 lakes. the star of the north. i say it a lot, but it’s a great place.



as a friend, as an old enemy

i love and i hate with a shallow sort of focus, like a dog worrying away at the ground. i can’t articulate my own emotions or thoughts on the matter, but i keep digging.

a puddle, shallow world within a shallow world. drowning in it, outta my depth.

lol i was thinking about getting a hamster and so did some research. apparently the longest most/all live is 3.5 years. so, like when you’re most in love with the fact you have a hamster, it dies.

we had a couple when i was younger, speed and joan jett. they had their own separate glass enclosures. it was disheartening, they spent their days sleeping and their nights trying to escape. so cute tho, i loved them. they lived about as long as they were supposed to, maybe a little longer..

this is the second-to-last week of classes. in one class we’re watching a movie, “all the way”, about lyndon b. johnson and the civil rights act of 1964. on the one hand, i admire his moxie, hustling the bill through, despite the dixiecrats and the general racist sentiment of the time…on the other hand, personally, he was kind of an ass.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯ i suppose it’s better to be generally okay and kind of abrasive than not at all okay and really really abrasive. my eloquent stand against trump.

i’m tired of people. per usual. like, i’m over the idea of having friends for the moment. we’ll try again next semester. people are just too complicated. im gonna get myself a hamster, call it a good 3.5 years.

an evolution, the only way i can explain anything

it’s around 8am. i’ve been awake since 5. i was going to sleep in but really couldn’t, thanks to lucy. so i woke up, fed her, and then brent walked her. when she came back in, i said bye to brent (he went to work). i brought luce upstairs, intending to go back to sleep for a couple of hours.

i was just settling in when i heard a crash of something glass outside my door. it was the light above the stairs. the covering fell off rather weird and randomly, hit the banister, and shattered all over the stairs. so of course i shooed the stupid cats away from the shards and picked up the larger pieces and vacuumed the stairs and the room below of the smaller pieces. and now i’m still awake, down on the couch. the cats are reappearing after the terror of the vacuum.

if i was the type to say it was eerie, tho, it was eerie. why did the light covering fall? i think i have just discovered the power gravity has over us, hahaha. one minute we’re drifting asleep, the next we’re staring at the sharp, shattered remains of our peaceful slumber.

ugh the las vegas shooting has me annoyed by people’s (american people’s) weird fetish-level sentimentality about guns. brent compared the banning of the sale of a device that increases rate of fire (the bump stock thing), to the banning of cars because of drunk drivers. lol wat????? how is that all similar. last time i checked, BRENTON, automatic weapons didn’t have much use outside of spraying bullets into crowds. cars are a necessary evil in today’s everyday, civvie world. they, you know, help us get from point A to point B. automatic weapons, not so much.

he isn’t even interested in guns, so i don’t fucking get it.. he’s just dumb, i tell myself. not bad or evil or whatever. not his fault. he was in a car accident when he was younger. traumatic brain injury and the whole shebang. people can’t help being stupid. then of course i feel bad. just because he has a differing opinion does not mean he is stupid. there are tons of other, better reasons he is stupid beyond simple negative versus positive liberty opinions.


people say that they aren’t religious, they’re spiritual. i’m not even spiritual. well, i don’t think i am. does it count as spiritual if one wishes fantasy/sci-fi novels were real? ’cause if that’s the case, i’m spiritual like to infinity. yeah, turn life into a freaking fantasy world. then i’ll be happy with it all.


your class, your caste, your country, sect, your name or your tribe. there’s people always dying, trying to keep them alive

all the wrongs in this world. lol, you can’t just cobble them together and make a right. reminds me of this simpsons episode:

rights don’t look like rights on film, so they use wrongs. if they need wrongs, they usually just tape a bunch of cats together.

this whole thing with charlottesville has me glad we didn’t move there. that was the city brent had a job interview in.

holy hell i cannot stand alt-right bullshit. i can barely watch movies with neo-nazis. they make me too angry. and when i get angry, my eyes tear up, which is infuriating in itself. hard to be taken seriously if you’re crying when you’re mad.

i’m so dumb and naive at times tho. when i was younger, i remember saying something along the lines that racism had gotten a lot more under control, et cetera. who the hell am i to make a judgement like that tho? i’m a sheltered white girl from the midwest, USA. i’ve lived in small towns my whole life, with little to no diversity. the only non-white person i can remember being friends with growing up was a kid from Laos, and he stands out in my memory only because his older brother died and i can remember how big of a tragedy it was in the town we lived.

my foster-sister is biracial, black and white, but her race never stood out to me as a factor to who she was as a person. i never thought to ask her if she had faced any discrimination or hate because of the color of her skin. like i said, i’ve been pretty sheltered. my trip to kenya is really the only culture-shock i’ve had. i like to think of myself as entirely open to other races. honestly tho, i’ve never been around racism. i never had to speak up. would i, if i faced it, directed at others? i like to think so. but i’m also very non-confrontational, so it could go both ways. my mom told me she thought i would definitely speak up. but knowing myself, i don’t know. i have to hope i would.

people who say race doesn’t matter don’t mean that. they just have never had to deal with the repercussions of race. they mean that they wish it didn’t matter. they wish we could acknowledge the differences between people without letting the differences divide us. and that’s for everything: race, religion, sexual orientation.


my facebook feed has been blowing up over the kenya election. craziness. i wish the best for that nation, and its citizens.

it is 6:20 in the morning.

this has been all over the place. now, to work.

you close your eyes and all you see is red

fictional tv shows are my choice of documentary.

i’m okay today.

still mad at brent for being himself. disappointed, really.

he got back from montana, his interview went well. we will know within the week whether he got the job. he’s a lawyer. this is a construction/engineering company. he likes construction law. weirdo.

also still disappointed at reality. still in denial at the trump win. oh well. it’ll be alright. like so many people are saying, life will go on. half the garbage he was spewing was totally unconstitutional anyway, so it won’t fly. but then i think of stuff like wwii, when thousands of japanese-american citizens were interned after pearl harbor. i worry shit like that will happen again, this time with muslims. people act all complacent, like stuff like that couldn’t happen here, in this day and age. but it could. hopefully people wouldn’t stand for it. but hope can be arrogant i suppose.

and the constitution does not extend past the borders, so who knows what hell he will wreak on the world. maybe he will stick to his isolationist guns tho, and nothing will occur with our help..

not like i was a huge fan of obama’s foreign policy. i’m not even a fan of my own. i don’t have one. i wouldn’t act as a leader. i would freeze up with indecision, because of all the factors involved.

said on gotham: ‘you can’t have both happiness and truth. you have to choose.’

i’m currently watching that show in my spare time, it’s amazing. jim gordon is such a great cop, lmao. but he has to keep making decisions that put him more and more into grey areas of the law. poor jim. soo great to watch though. my favorite quote is: ‘everyone has to matter, or nobody matters.’

another: ‘sometimes the right way is also the ugly way’.

they’re simply worded, but they make me think all philosophically.

well, off to class.

sociology was nice today. we talked about classes and inequality and social stratification, et cetera. i love thinking about stuff like that. i have a solid B in the class, because i missed a day so missed out on that day’s participation sheet. oh well, no ragrets.






before i sputter out


i’m so exhausted. i feel as though i’ve just travelled a very long way for nothing, and now have the journey back to deal with too.

voting tomorrow, finally. yeah, i’ve put it off until the last minute. i don’t want to vote. let us just decide i’m dictator for life from this moment on. start my own nation of one. no one else can join, i hate everyone right now. i’m a hideously disjointed monster of remorse for actions committed, or actions not commited. i don’t know sometimes whether i’m mad at myself or the world. lulz. i am the freaking world. so, both?

nah i’m not mad at anything really. i just hate feeling cornered like this. i want to feel like i have choice in my life. even the smallest things, like going to work tomorrow. i have no choice.

smh. it makes me laugh in the bitterest of ways.

thomas announced on facebook that everyone should vote hillary tomorrow. what you need to know is that thomas hates hillary clinton. that’s how much a lot of people hate trump. and then you have people voting for trump even though they hate him, because they think he is better than hillary at least. this is what this stupid place has come to. not voting for someone, but voting against someone worse. if i were just a bit more misanthropic, this would all make me cackle in glee. but i’m not, so it just makes me a bit sad.

as i was writing this, there were seven political ads in a row on tv. let it all end now, pls.