sleeping only makes you tired

we are leaving on friday for virginia, like it or not. ready, or not..

i still haven’t told my dad that i’m moving, lmao…. T_T

i’m working on my resume. i want to get an internship with an ngo or something similar. i don’t even care if i make any money. i just want experience, something to help me on my way. there are so many ngo opportunities in the DC area, it’s overwhelming. and little old me, i don’t think i’m at all qualified for any of them. all i have is experience in retail. i don’t even know how those skills would apply. customer service, shrink management. lol, counting money and keeping a balanced safe. no idea how any of that would make me stand out.

i had both netflix and hulu for a few months, but i cancelled them both, as i am no longer making money. my brother still has hulu through his school, because they seemed to have forgotten to cancel it or something, as he graduated. so anyway, he gave me his password to both that and his netflix password. we are so spoiled for options of things to watch, timewasters.

i’ve been watching castlevania, which, going on absolutely no foreknowledge, i thought would be a lot more lighthearted. it’s gothic and dark. i like it.

my mom is in a foul mood at all times, and the larger part of me doesn’t blame her. there is so much to do, so much going on. and she barely has any help. just me, really. i mean, i’m not in a great mood either, but i am great at hiding it.

i have been sleeping on the couch for the last coupla weeks, so my back hurts and i’m tired all the time, which is rather unfortunate in itself, but there is also a lot to do before we move. i feel like i’m no help. my stuff is basically all packed up now, and i am very little help to my mom i feel. she won’t let me do anything because like me she is a control freak, and so all i’m good for is moral support.

ooh and i went to the doctor, and apparently i have polycystic ovary syndrome. i went in just to be put on birth control because my periods are crazy irregular, and the doc asked me a few questions, did some blood tests, and a few days later i had the diagnosis. so not only are my hormones totally fucked (no wonder i’m an emotional wreck haha), also, i will probs have a hard time having children if i ever change my mind on that. so that’s great. i mean, i didn’t really want biological children, but i didn’t want the option taken away.

oh i guess i’m going to vote today. last important thing i’m going to do in iowa.

good luck to me in my endeavors.

 

born to be down

the world is like a parody that went too far with the material and lost itself in absurdity. i don’t know whether to laugh or cry so i do nothing but wring my hands and wonder where the fuck we went wrong. i wanna leave but there is no distance far enough to escape the insanity, the inanity, the injustice.

times like these remind me why i’m all anti-theology. what sick, twisted mind would come up with a world like this? maybe me, but in an ironic way. but as much as i joke about being a glorious god-queen, i don’t reckon i would be egotistical or sadistic enough to make such a cold world that, as full as it is, often feels so devoid of meaning or i don’t know; resolution or something. like, where is the clarity? we’re all among the filth and muck and we will never be clean, we’ll just be dead. sometimes the best part of a story is the end, and the world contains many of these stories.

as much as some people aspire towards something bright and white-washed pure, they are such brutal, repugnant monsters that deserve nothing but their own miserable company. do they not see what a joke it is that they pretend moral righteousness while they lie, cheat, steal, rape, murder, covet, et cetera?

i look across at the multitudes and i see nothing good among them sometimes, just lesser evils. i don’t want to be the unforgiving type, but why forgive someone when they are not asking for anything like forgiveness? they are past feelings of conscience. and i’m not here to play jiminy cricket to their lying-ass peter pan bullshit. i get sick of having to be patient and kind and understanding while on the inside i seethe and boil over. or better yet, rant online.

sorry this was so dark. i swear i’m not even down or anything. i’m past feeling anything but a slow disdainful shake of the head made into a feeling.

a night in search of a day

my mom’s friend from work is raising 5 kittens whose mom was hit by a car. they are about 4 weeks old now. so like the good person my mom is, she offered to take two to foster. but after my mom’s friend took care of them for a couple of days, she decided she would be okay feeding them on her own. i was sort of disappointed. i love taking care of kittens. it’s hard because you have to feed them every few hours, but it is so rewarding to see them grow and thrive so quickly.

the packing process continues. my stepdad left for DC yesterday. he won’t be back to iowa most likely as a resident. it’s up to me and my mom to take care of everything. stressful..

my mom has a job interview on wednesday in virginia at a hospital. the downside of it is that it wouldn’t be a federal job and if she ever wanted to go back into the VA system she would have to jump through the same hoops that she had at the beginning. the upside is that it isn’t a VA hospital. a big no offence, but veterans have a tendency to be rather…demanding. there are a lot of vietnam war-age veterans who are totally bigoted: racist, sexist; drug & alcohol addicted. also, most importantly, they are often non-compliant with treatment. you would think they would take orders better. the vets aren’t all bad obviously, but often a bad impression can overwhelm a bunch of good ones. just like most people meet one good veteran and assume all of them are heroes deserving of the utmost regard. in reality, like every group, veterans are quite a mixed bag.

the current political situation in the US has me cynical and irritated. where i’m usually non-confrontational, i just want to yell at someone about it all.

my stepdad voted for trump, and i’m not even mad. i’m just deeply disappointed. i want to blame him and people like him: the rich, the sheltered. the self-serving, privileged, persecution-complex riddled few who doublethink things like love thy neighbour and deport all immigrants without mercy.

what the fuck kind of thoughts even go through their minds? ‘jesus loves, jesus saves, so i sure as hell don’t have to????!’

i get tired of trying to be the bigger person and forgive people when i don’t even follow an ideology that goes on and on about it. and it hurts, because i forgive others for things i would never let slide when it comes to me. it feels unfair of me.

obviously i’m not perfect, but at least i’m self-aware enough to see my flaws, where certain other people just seem to glide through life without a stress in the world about their actions or inactions. i sometimes believe that people should be constantly in a state of cognitive dissonance, they should be torn on what the right thing to do is, all the time. there should be no hard and fast rules to cheat your way through life on. life, as complex and multi-layered as it is, should not be simple, no matter how much we all wish it were sometimes.

 

 

 

 

 

 

the flags are all dead at the top of their poles

we say we’re not like them, but we love a good martyr too. we love a mindless, senseless patriot. someone willing to kill, die, or end up an empty shell for the interests of the governing body and its allies. oh, america. how you ache at the cognitive dissonance of it all. what the hell happened? you were never what you said you were.

there’re two ducks, a male and female, that hang around the house. they like to eat the dried mealworms my mom mixes into the birdseed she puts outside. ducks are cute. they come waddling up, and we make sure not to go outside and disturb them. it’s like a little wildlife refuge, despite being in the middle of town. we get deer that eat from the birdfeeder on our porch, a raccoon that eats the cat food we leave out for stray cats, two squirrels, a chipmunk, a big fat rabbit and one little, young rabbit. so many animals. i love watching them.

one of my fond memories from my childhood is from my grandma’s house, where i’d stay occasionally, especially after my grandfather died. i’d sit in her little sitting area, the windows crowded with flora like jade plants and cacti and geraniums, and at sunset i’d watch the deer through binoculars as they came out of the woods to eat corn my grandma left out for them.

she had two huge gardens. i’d wander through them and the woods, pretending i lived out there. i even built a fort out of tree branches. it was pretty neat.

this was in minnesota, and my grandma had a lady slipper flower, which is actually minnesota’s state flower and so illegal to pick or uproot, and i’m pretty sure she uprooted it at some point to have it. she gave my mother the habit of carrying a shovel in the trunk of the car in case there was something good growing on the side of the road, like wild asparagus or something “fun” like that, haha.

she moved to a smaller place and sold her house way back in 2015. seems like it was just a few months ago.

i remember her yelling at me and my brother for climbing trees on her property. lol she was afraid we would scuff up the branches, not afraid for our safety.

i miss minnesota. the land of 10,000 lakes. the star of the north. i say it a lot, but it’s a great place.

 

 

as a friend, as an old enemy

i love and i hate with a shallow sort of focus, like a dog worrying away at the ground. i can’t articulate my own emotions or thoughts on the matter, but i keep digging.

a puddle, shallow world within a shallow world. drowning in it, outta my depth.

lol i was thinking about getting a hamster and so did some research. apparently the longest most/all live is 3.5 years. so, like when you’re most in love with the fact you have a hamster, it dies.

we had a couple when i was younger, speed and joan jett. they had their own separate glass enclosures. it was disheartening, they spent their days sleeping and their nights trying to escape. so cute tho, i loved them. they lived about as long as they were supposed to, maybe a little longer..

this is the second-to-last week of classes. in one class we’re watching a movie, “all the way”, about lyndon b. johnson and the civil rights act of 1964. on the one hand, i admire his moxie, hustling the bill through, despite the dixiecrats and the general racist sentiment of the time…on the other hand, personally, he was kind of an ass.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯ i suppose it’s better to be generally okay and kind of abrasive than not at all okay and really really abrasive. my eloquent stand against trump.

i’m tired of people. per usual. like, i’m over the idea of having friends for the moment. we’ll try again next semester. people are just too complicated. im gonna get myself a hamster, call it a good 3.5 years.

an evolution, the only way i can explain anything

it’s around 8am. i’ve been awake since 5. i was going to sleep in but really couldn’t, thanks to lucy. so i woke up, fed her, and then brent walked her. when she came back in, i said bye to brent (he went to work). i brought luce upstairs, intending to go back to sleep for a couple of hours.

i was just settling in when i heard a crash of something glass outside my door. it was the light above the stairs. the covering fell off rather weird and randomly, hit the banister, and shattered all over the stairs. so of course i shooed the stupid cats away from the shards and picked up the larger pieces and vacuumed the stairs and the room below of the smaller pieces. and now i’m still awake, down on the couch. the cats are reappearing after the terror of the vacuum.

if i was the type to say it was eerie, tho, it was eerie. why did the light covering fall? i think i have just discovered the power gravity has over us, hahaha. one minute we’re drifting asleep, the next we’re staring at the sharp, shattered remains of our peaceful slumber.

ugh the las vegas shooting has me annoyed by people’s (american people’s) weird fetish-level sentimentality about guns. brent compared the banning of the sale of a device that increases rate of fire (the bump stock thing), to the banning of cars because of drunk drivers. lol wat????? how is that all similar. last time i checked, BRENTON, automatic weapons didn’t have much use outside of spraying bullets into crowds. cars are a necessary evil in today’s everyday, civvie world. they, you know, help us get from point A to point B. automatic weapons, not so much.

he isn’t even interested in guns, so i don’t fucking get it.. he’s just dumb, i tell myself. not bad or evil or whatever. not his fault. he was in a car accident when he was younger. traumatic brain injury and the whole shebang. people can’t help being stupid. then of course i feel bad. just because he has a differing opinion does not mean he is stupid. there are tons of other, better reasons he is stupid beyond simple negative versus positive liberty opinions.

 


people say that they aren’t religious, they’re spiritual. i’m not even spiritual. well, i don’t think i am. does it count as spiritual if one wishes fantasy/sci-fi novels were real? ’cause if that’s the case, i’m spiritual like to infinity. yeah, turn life into a freaking fantasy world. then i’ll be happy with it all.

 

your class, your caste, your country, sect, your name or your tribe. there’s people always dying, trying to keep them alive

all the wrongs in this world. lol, you can’t just cobble them together and make a right. reminds me of this simpsons episode:

rights don’t look like rights on film, so they use wrongs. if they need wrongs, they usually just tape a bunch of cats together.

this whole thing with charlottesville has me glad we didn’t move there. that was the city brent had a job interview in.

holy hell i cannot stand alt-right bullshit. i can barely watch movies with neo-nazis. they make me too angry. and when i get angry, my eyes tear up, which is infuriating in itself. hard to be taken seriously if you’re crying when you’re mad.

i’m so dumb and naive at times tho. when i was younger, i remember saying something along the lines that racism had gotten a lot more under control, et cetera. who the hell am i to make a judgement like that tho? i’m a sheltered white girl from the midwest, USA. i’ve lived in small towns my whole life, with little to no diversity. the only non-white person i can remember being friends with growing up was a kid from Laos, and he stands out in my memory only because his older brother died and i can remember how big of a tragedy it was in the town we lived.

my foster-sister is biracial, black and white, but her race never stood out to me as a factor to who she was as a person. i never thought to ask her if she had faced any discrimination or hate because of the color of her skin. like i said, i’ve been pretty sheltered. my trip to kenya is really the only culture-shock i’ve had. i like to think of myself as entirely open to other races. honestly tho, i’ve never been around racism. i never had to speak up. would i, if i faced it, directed at others? i like to think so. but i’m also very non-confrontational, so it could go both ways. my mom told me she thought i would definitely speak up. but knowing myself, i don’t know. i have to hope i would.

people who say race doesn’t matter don’t mean that. they just have never had to deal with the repercussions of race. they mean that they wish it didn’t matter. they wish we could acknowledge the differences between people without letting the differences divide us. and that’s for everything: race, religion, sexual orientation.

whatever.

my facebook feed has been blowing up over the kenya election. craziness. i wish the best for that nation, and its citizens.

it is 6:20 in the morning.

this has been all over the place. now, to work.