after all the laughter, emptiness prevails

my therapist got a new puppy, as one of her dogs died. she loves daschunds. his name is murphy. he is still too young to know his name, and so he just kind of ignores ya, unless you seem really interesting, or are wearing shoes that are fun to bite (i was). she brought him on friday. here he is in all of his glory:

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no photo could ever capture how tiny and precious he is.

i got mad at my mom the other day. totally blew up at her through text. stupid sarah…

now i’m terrified. she’s coming home later today. it’s about 7, i’ve been up for a few hours. i work later today. she hasn’t texted me back at all.

in good news, i’ve been talking to nafees, that guy from pakistan. he seems happy, which i’m happy about. the place he lives is gorgeous. i remember researching swat when i knew him years ago. queen elizabeth visited it once, decades ago, and referred to it as the switzerland of the east, due to the idyllic mountain scenery.

i remember describing to him the black hills in south dakota when i was about to take a trip there. lol the closest thing to mountains i’d ever experienced. i mean, i’ve been to switzerland, but airports don’t count.

i’ve been watching cartoons in my spare time. it’s sad. i’ve run outta good grown-up shows. well, i’ve been watching a show called killing eve, which i find funny, though i’m not sure it’s always supposed to be funny.

the cartoons i choose to watch are steven universe, which was actually a show i didn’t initially “get”. i retried it months later, and then got hooked on it. the second show is star vs. the forces of evil, which is so different than what i thought it would be. it kind of reminds me of a magical girl style anime, but better. i didn’t like it at first but someone online recommended it, and i wanted to see it through. and before i knew it, i’d run out of episodes. i will be the first to admit i’m childish, but at least the childish things i partake of have actual plots. i mean, there are a few standalone episodes, but they fit in with the grand scheme in their own way.

whatever. both shows are on hiatus right now, and so i’m sad. i think i’m going to try taking up watercolor painting again. i suck at it, it’s hard. but i’m going to try. lol, i could paint fanart. hahaha. i always wanted to be that kind of person.

i’m still waiting to hear back from the college i applied for. i sent them my official previous college transcripts and everything, and they’ve received them, and now i just gotta wait.

alien observer in a world that isn’t mine

it’s almost 6pm. i am done with finals.

i don’t even care if i get a d as a grade in those two classes. as long as i pass. maybe they’ll have mercy on me. i’m thinking now i’m getting a c in one of the classes. ugh. that i’m okay with that just shows how far i’ve sunk. i don’t even wanna think about what this will do to my gpa. it wasn’t that great to begin with.

my environmental science teacher let me take my test i missed on tuesday, after i took the final. she is nice. i would even think she was nice if i didn’t get to retake it. she is fond of animals, has a big heart. i can tell she cares about things more than she has to.

i got a weather alert on my phone, tornado warning. that basically means either there is currently a tornado in the area, or one is imminent. and the alarms are going off. lol it’s funny to me how nonchalant people act when there’s a tornado. me included. i always joke that it can’t reach us, as ‘the buildings around us will slow it down too much’.

took this pic of the dandelions earlier. dandelion comes from french, dent de lion, which means lion’s tooth. i used to love learning the meaning of flower names. i like french too, it’s pretty and not too hard to remember. i always liked dandelions as well..nobody likes em. people try to kill them because they thrive. they’re great, and people try to bring ’em down because of that. so, i can’t relate but i’d like to one day.

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this was at my last final, afterward. i’m still not very confident i passed the class, but i’m glad i at least attempted, though i don’t think i did that well on the final. i’m still a little bitter that my teacher never emailed me back, and didn’t even bother talking to me in class. this is his last semester teaching, and he acts he doesn’t really care about it.

my mom bought some white, red, and yellow poppies today. they are a favorite of mine, especially the classic red. we used to have some growing along our house when we lived in a little town called emmetsburg. it’s named after robert emmet, who was an irish patriot who was hung, drawn and quartered for treason against the english. history: so beautiful.

in emmetsburg we lived next to a lake. i remember losing a pair of shoes to the mud at the bottom. looking for shells with my brother near the dock in early spring, the water freezing, but us having fun. searching for as many violets as i could pick. our old cat fritz bathing in sunlight in the living room. lol, he was a ginger cat. i liked to think he was named after the astronomer fritz zwicky, though i don’t think he was. that guy was pretty neat. he would call people spherical bastards, because they were bastards any way you looked at them. so funny. so angry.

now i’m upstairs, because lucy is restless.

i took a picture of her the other night. added the hearts ’cause she’s so special to me. she needs a bath and her claws trimmed. tomorrow i’m probs gonna do the bath thing if it’s nice out.

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it’s funny, our cat ari is declawed in the front, which i don’t agree with, but he is. he’s the only cat we have that is declawed. yet he’s the only cat that uses our scratching post. the other cats scratch up the furniture like the heathens/gods that they are. love ’em.

i’m pretty much in shock over everything. ok, that’s dramatic. but that’s what it feels like. i feel numb. like i’m done with feeling everything. i’m done with experiencing life in this flesh prison. also, i keep making stupid jokes that only i laugh at. so i guess all is pretty much the same as it always was.

tomorrow i have an appointment with my therapist. i don’t know if she’s a great shrink. i’ve been thinking about it. i have her phone number, she lets me text her because she trusts me enough not to abuse that privilege. i know a bit about her life. i’ve met her dog. i freaking love her dog. her dog’s name is named lucy, so i gotta. plus she’s a dog, so yeah it’s pretty standard for her to be great. where was i? oh yeah, my shrink. i wouldn’t try and find a new one. i wouldn’t wanna hurt her feelings. plus i kind of like that sometimes she feels a lot like a friend. i don’t have friends. i’m bad at having friends. it makes sense that i’d have to pay to have a friend. lmao, a platonic prostitute. a friendly fille de joie. a call-girl confidante.

k again, i’m done again for the day.

also, this is like the millionth time i’ve typed something out, then deleted it. today’s the day i guess. i did great.