killing it with close inspection. killing it can only make it worse, it sort of makes it breed

i’m avoiding my mom. haven’t talked to her or even seen her since she came home. what’s the point? she’s not going to apologize, and i’m not going to apologize. not this time. i always end up apologizing to people just to get rid of the whole situation. i take the blame. i remember when i was little, and i learned the word scapegoat. i remember thinking, ‘that’s me’. i just let the blame rain down on me. i was once literally told that i had ruined christmas. lolol. and i was what, 12? and i believed it for the longest time, that i was the bad kid, the troubled child. fuck, i still half believe it. and now i’m the bad adult, the troubled adult. i miss being a troubled child. no….. i don’t. back then when people told me what i was, i believed them. no matter how terrible or contrary to reality it was. and although their words still echo through my head forever, i’m believing the words less and less.

still, i have that stupid feeling where tears are just beneath the surface. like if anyone asked me if i was okay, i would start bawling. i am okay though. i’m totally okay. this too shall pass.

eyes without a face

so,

i was born early morning, june 3rd. 1:13 am.

i love how people struggle to find meaning in the numbers, the days of the week, in the movements of the stars and planets. everything. in the end though, i’m not sure if anything has meaning other than the meaning we invest. humans are the real power, not freaking dots of light in the sky, so far away they could be dead/dark and we wouldn’t even know. but a lot of people don’t invest their power in themselves. we don’t know what to do with ourselves really. we’ve come so very far and yet we’re all still just here. it is beautiful and sad and lovely and very hard to fathom for me sometimes.

lol i think i’m just having an existential crisis. it is like this every birthday month. when truly it’s just like any other month. which may be why it is hard to deal with in the first place.

i’m 25, a quarter of a century, as my coworkers so thoughtfully remind me.

anyway, happy belated birthday to me. it’s been a great show of bravery in the face of futility.

the flags are all dead at the top of their poles

we say we’re not like them, but we love a good martyr too. we love a mindless, senseless patriot. someone willing to kill, die, or end up an empty shell for the interests of the governing body and its allies. oh, america. how you ache at the cognitive dissonance of it all. what the hell happened? you were never what you said you were.

there’re two ducks, a male and female, that hang around the house. they like to eat the dried mealworms my mom mixes into the birdseed she puts outside. ducks are cute. they come waddling up, and we make sure not to go outside and disturb them. it’s like a little wildlife refuge, despite being in the middle of town. we get deer that eat from the birdfeeder on our porch, a raccoon that eats the cat food we leave out for stray cats, two squirrels, a chipmunk, a big fat rabbit and one little, young rabbit. so many animals. i love watching them.

one of my fond memories from my childhood is from my grandma’s house, where i’d stay occasionally, especially after my grandfather died. i’d sit in her little sitting area, the windows crowded with flora like jade plants and cacti and geraniums, and at sunset i’d watch the deer through binoculars as they came out of the woods to eat corn my grandma left out for them.

she had two huge gardens. i’d wander through them and the woods, pretending i lived out there. i even built a fort out of tree branches. it was pretty neat.

this was in minnesota, and my grandma had a lady slipper flower, which is actually minnesota’s state flower and so illegal to pick or uproot, and i’m pretty sure she uprooted it at some point to have it. she gave my mother the habit of carrying a shovel in the trunk of the car in case there was something good growing on the side of the road, like wild asparagus or something “fun” like that, haha.

she moved to a smaller place and sold her house way back in 2015. seems like it was just a few months ago.

i remember her yelling at me and my brother for climbing trees on her property. lol she was afraid we would scuff up the branches, not afraid for our safety.

i miss minnesota. the land of 10,000 lakes. the star of the north. i say it a lot, but it’s a great place.

 

 

you ran away from your uselessness like you had something to prove

i can’t decide if i’m a cynic or not. this is just one of the important choices i make every day. well, and is it really just one choice? or is it like a bunch of choices that add up to one thing eventually? can anyone even add that stuff up objectively? methinks not. so since nobody can really judge me accurately, i’m gonna just call myself an optimist. that’ll show ’em.

i saw a meme that was actually not a meme but just a twitter screenshot passed off as a meme; it said that all kids who read at a 12th grade level in 4th grade are now severely depressed and totally illiterate. i don’t know if this counts as bragging or dragging my self down, but that person has me all figured out.

lol i had a crush on a dumbass in 4th or 5th grade, and i told my friend, and she immediately ran and told him. i lost a crush and a friend that day, so sad. ’cause i, of course, had to explain to his face that i used to have a crush on him. so from then on i just tried not to care for him at all. and the moral of the story is trust no one and keep your feelings to yourself until it is too late to act on them. i’m good at finding morals. also, love is garbage and anyone who tells you otherwise is trying to lead you astray from the light and joy that faux apathy brings. by really, i joke. i mean, if love is garbage and we all deserve garbage, we deserve love. my philosophical depth is awe-inspiring.

elementary school is a haze of bad memories kinda. like there are a few nice bright moments where i felt good about the world and my place in it. but i was pretty damaged as a kid and so it colors every memory in a sadder light if i let it.

they say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, and if that is true, i’m dead.

a little dot in the middle of the nation. the heartland. the midwest. the flyover states.

parts of south dakota are beautiful. the black hills, the badlands. mount rushmore was disappointing even as a child seeing it. i would honestly rather see the crazy horse memorial. it’s supposed to be like ten times larger.

i used to say i wanted to have a house built in the badlands. obviously, it’s state parkland so that is actually illegal. that is the kind of illicit activity that i wanna engage in.

deadwood reminds me of dell rapids. i once told my grandma i would retire there, hahaha. i’ve since changed my mind, but it would be nice to see the place again.

over the weekend my mother and i went to the hindu temple in madrid, iowa. i was nervous. i brought a bouquet of coral-colored roses as a gift, which i thought would be nice for one of the shrines.

i’m going to send a thank you card to one of the priests there, he was very helpful. i didn’t ask many questions, but he answered so well and fully that i didn’t really need to. then this morning i did my presentation, and that went well.

next week i have finals, and i’m dreading it. i keep looking for a way out, but i think the only way out is through.

my one teacher hasn’t emailed me back. freaking typical. on thursday i might go to my advisor. or not. i just talked myself out of it. she won’t be any help. there is no help. all the things that are supposed to be helpful just end up making things worse. booooo everything is terrible. i keep waiting for everything to catch up to me. i’m honestly terrified.

i’m up later than usual. i don’t wanna lay down and sleep. once i’m asleep i’m fine. but before i fall asleep and when i wake up are the worst. every little thing comes to haunt me before i sleep. when i wake up, a new day is beginning. and i waste it. no matter what i do it’s a waste. i know i’m just being negative. that it’s all distorted by my current state. but i can’t see the future and if i did i bet i would be a bit disappointed but not really surprised.

i wonder how the people i care about are doing but don’t reach out to them, because they don’t care about me, i think. if they did, why don’t they reach out to me? lol. it’s like i always have this hope that someone will reach out, because i know i never will. i always have this hope an extrovert will save me. silly. hope is another garbage concept that brings all the pain that we deserve. add it to the list. if i was simply indifferent and accepting of my situation, i would not feel as bad. can’t feel bad about not having that which doesn’t exist. lol, if we all just eliminate love and hope from our lives we’ll be much happier for it. haha i’m so bright. like a gigantic ball of fire soaring through space, i bring the sunshine.

yeah i’m going to just drop and be done with this thinking thing. consciousness is wasted on me.

i take the thought of you and burn it to the ground

got 100% on one of my tests today, the one in world religion. it was about buddhism and sikhism. i was shocked to see my score when it was handed back to me. the one i graded had minus 16. i totally made hardly-educated guesses on a couple of answers. plus there’s a curve, so i got 4 extra points because apparently everyone sucks but me. then after class, i threw up in the bathroom. i guess my stomach decided it wasn’t as overjoyed as me. lol, karma.

i went home not long after that. now i’m beating myself up over leaving, as i totally could have stayed.

i don’t know what’s wrong with me. i’m going to call on friday and try to get in to see the doctor early.

trying to tend to the dead parts of my mind. where nothing good grows. sometimes the truth is so ugly that there is no way to live with it intact and be happy. so we have to twist the truth, distort it, look at it thru rose tinted glasses. pretend we learned deep lessons from it about how life is. that we are stronger, better for it. but it isn’t always the case.

it’s just easier to tell a lie than face the truth in its unadulterated form sometimes. i’ve said it before: i obsess over my perception of the truth and the perception of others. it’s crazy how it never quite matches up, even among people with similar characteristics and values. it’s like we all have the same inkblot of a life, but we all arrive at a different idea of what it all means.

i feel bad about the bridges i’ve burned with the sheer force of my ugly personality. friends who got sick of my pessimist outlook. some people would say, oh, if they were really friends they would have stuck around. but i’m not stupid. i know love like that ain’t unconditional, nor should it be. i know sometimes it’s small things, but they add up, and it’s like the voice that took down the mountain of snow. and i’m left smothered in the cold, all by myself. lol.

all i know is, deep down i’m a contrarian who likes to cause trouble for myself. my first-grade report card literally said ‘sarah does not work well by herself or with others’. mrs. johnson really didn’t like me. i almost tell that story with pride now. like, yeah, i’m a real baddie. anybody with eyes can see that i don’t care.

 

 

and if love is a drug, i don’t want it, because i don’t have any self control

it’s midnight and i’m in the basement because it’s thundering a tiny bit and lucy is afraid.

i had the usual dream that has become rather unusual as my mind tries to buck away from its habitual obsessions to focus on new ones. the old ones, the old dreams are rare now, and made more precious because of it. also more poisonous.

i’m walking through a party, because i know you’re there. but you’ve left. i look everywhere, and you’re gone. you just left the room. you just turned the corner. it’s like a maze of other people smiling and laughing, and me, alone, looking for you. this time i don’t wind up outside in the snow and stars, the dream doesn’t reach this sad crescendo. it just ends with me realizing you’re not there, not anywhere near me.

the dream is a bit on the nose, lol. real life occasionally mirrors it. i find myself at get-togethers, too afraid to be obvious, to ask if you’re there. so i just wander, looking for you..and of course you’re never there. you’re somewhere else, living a different life. i guess i have to accept that.

the last time i saw you i was a different person with a different agenda, a different heart, a different mind. i didn’t know much about anything outside myself. i don’t even know who you are anymore, and i don’t know who, or how, to ask. i don’t even know why i held on to you in my mind, why i ever found comfort in thoughts of star-crossed love, brought to fruition. that path is gone. it’s dead, with all the others. i guess my mind just hasn’t caught up to reality, which is definitely a theme brought up in my life over and over.

sometimes i feel as though i don’t belong in reality anyway. i’ve spent some time apart and i don’t think it lives up to the hype. oh well. as everyone in my life keeps saying, it is what it is. and there is something so final and concrete about that, that i wanna fight it, because honestly that’s my place, i think, fighting things, ideas, concepts, truths. i sometimes just want to ignore the truth so i don’t have to fight it or accept it fully, but that never works for long. something always reminds me of you and i’m back on the stupid, gaudy, rococo train of thought that i’m pretty sure is love, and though everyone’s always spouting on about it, it is the saddest, most futile thing i’ve ever witnessed myself engaging in. so, as some wise, eloquent, probably long dead person said, that sucks.

and unfortunately i’ve found myself agreeing with the naysayers.

i’m here, and you’re merely a gesture in some vague direction to me. that’s how far apart we are, in body and mind. so yeah, sarah, give up, give in. this idea you hold is dead and you’re just sadly, obstinately oblivious to it half the time. and the other half you’re in mourning for it. just let go.

it is what it is.

my tears are anathema here

i’m trying not to falter, trying not to quit. i keep heading towards the future, toward a horizon that never ends. there’s a persistent, nagging feeling in the back of my mind, that if i would just quit, i would be happier. but i know that’s a lie. that happiness is at the end of the neverending horizon, and i just have to trust that i will make it. it seems futile, but i just have to keep going. i don’t know what i would do, if i didn’t keep going.

people are so desperate, so animalistic in their desires and drives. i wish i could stand apart from them sometimes. not be one, lol.

i overcompensate, love where i feel like hating. listening and nodding where i wish i could just put my fingers in my ears and yell LA LA LA! i don’t wanna listen to these people drivel on, it does nothing good for me, listening to this. it doesn’t build love or understanding. it just makes me feel tired and old, and only one of those things makes any sense, looking at who i am. i don’t know how people like them live with themselves. i’m not even that bad, when i think about it in my few moments of objective lucidity, and i can barely live with myself, so how the hell do they? seriously, what is their secret, i wanna know!? like, what? anything can i do to hate myself a bit less.

i have been sleeping terribly the past couple of weeks, and it’s messing with my head a little. i keep seesawing between self-flagellation to self-soothing, going from mentally beating myself up to mindlessly consuming media mostly pertaining to cats, dogs, and television shows. that leaves a little time to study and a little time to sleep. i’m not doing badly in school, i’m actually doing pretty well in two out of three classes so that’s just swell, but my mind sticks to the third, and i beat myself up more and sleep less and study frantically.

okay again, with the lucid thought, outwardly i’m doing well, except for the sleep thing. and honestly, i’m glad it’s hyposomnia versus hypersomnia. i would much rather sleep like 3 hours a night than, say, 15. i have been cooking a lot, i have kept on top of studying and homework.  in one of my classes, i’m not doing my best work, but i’ve done the calculations, lol, and if i just put a little more thought into what i study before tests/quizzes, i can boost my grade a bit, maybe score an a-.

in my environmental science class, i got a freaking 85% on my first test, which is okay, because i know she gives out a couple of little extra credit assignments. but i was so sleep deprived that i answered a few questions wrong that i really really knew the answers to, and looking at that test now i just wince.

it’s about 7pm, and i’m trying to wind down. tomorrow is supposed to be bad weather, and i’m hoping class is canceled so i have another day to study for my next test.

i just wanna say that this whole latest school shooting hit me pretty hard. it made me so deeply sad and angry at so many things, so many people. i am just trying to keep my little world together, and then reality seeps in, and i can’t pretend to be cold and objective anymore.

i’m managing.