you ran away from your uselessness like you had something to prove

i can’t decide if i’m a cynic or not. this is just one of the important choices i make every day. well, and is it really just one choice? or is it like a bunch of choices that add up to one thing eventually? can anyone even add that stuff up objectively? methinks not. so since nobody can really judge me accurately, i’m gonna just call myself an optimist. that’ll show ’em.

i saw a meme that was actually not a meme but just a twitter screenshot passed off as a meme; it said that all kids who read at a 12th grade level in 4th grade are now severely depressed and totally illiterate. i don’t know if this counts as bragging or dragging my self down, but that person has me all figured out.

lol i had a crush on a dumbass in 4th or 5th grade, and i told my friend, and she immediately ran and told him. i lost a crush and a friend that day, so sad. ’cause i, of course, had to explain to his face that i used to have a crush on him. so from then on i just tried not to care for him at all. and the moral of the story is trust no one and keep your feelings to yourself until it is too late to act on them. i’m good at finding morals. also, love is garbage and anyone who tells you otherwise is trying to lead you astray from the light and joy that faux apathy brings. by really, i joke. i mean, if love is garbage and we all deserve garbage, we deserve love. my philosophical depth is awe-inspiring.

elementary school is a haze of bad memories kinda. like there are a few nice bright moments where i felt good about the world and my place in it. but i was pretty damaged as a kid and so it colors every memory in a sadder light if i let it.

they say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, and if that is true, i’m dead.

a little dot in the middle of the nation. the heartland. the midwest. the flyover states.

parts of south dakota are beautiful. the black hills, the badlands. mount rushmore was disappointing even as a child seeing it. i would honestly rather see the crazy horse memorial. it’s supposed to be like ten times larger.

i used to say i wanted to have a house built in the badlands. obviously, it’s state parkland so that is actually illegal. that is the kind of illicit activity that i wanna engage in.

deadwood reminds me of dell rapids. i once told my grandma i would retire there, hahaha. i’ve since changed my mind, but it would be nice to see the place again.

over the weekend my mother and i went to the hindu temple in madrid, iowa. i was nervous. i brought a bouquet of coral-colored roses as a gift, which i thought would be nice for one of the shrines.

i’m going to send a thank you card to one of the priests there, he was very helpful. i didn’t ask many questions, but he answered so well and fully that i didn’t really need to. then this morning i did my presentation, and that went well.

next week i have finals, and i’m dreading it. i keep looking for a way out, but i think the only way out is through.

my one teacher hasn’t emailed me back. freaking typical. on thursday i might go to my advisor. or not. i just talked myself out of it. she won’t be any help. there is no help. all the things that are supposed to be helpful just end up making things worse. booooo everything is terrible. i keep waiting for everything to catch up to me. i’m honestly terrified.

i’m up later than usual. i don’t wanna lay down and sleep. once i’m asleep i’m fine. but before i fall asleep and when i wake up are the worst. every little thing comes to haunt me before i sleep. when i wake up, a new day is beginning. and i waste it. no matter what i do it’s a waste. i know i’m just being negative. that it’s all distorted by my current state. but i can’t see the future and if i did i bet i would be a bit disappointed but not really surprised.

i wonder how the people i care about are doing but don’t reach out to them, because they don’t care about me, i think. if they did, why don’t they reach out to me? lol. it’s like i always have this hope that someone will reach out, because i know i never will. i always have this hope an extrovert will save me. silly. hope is another garbage concept that brings all the pain that we deserve. add it to the list. if i was simply indifferent and accepting of my situation, i would not feel as bad. can’t feel bad about not having that which doesn’t exist. lol, if we all just eliminate love and hope from our lives we’ll be much happier for it. haha i’m so bright. like a gigantic ball of fire soaring through space, i bring the sunshine.

yeah i’m going to just drop and be done with this thinking thing. consciousness is wasted on me.

i take the thought of you and burn it to the ground

got 100% on one of my tests today, the one in world religion. it was about buddhism and sikhism. i was shocked to see my score when it was handed back to me. the one i graded had minus 16. i totally made hardly-educated guesses on a couple of answers. plus there’s a curve, so i got 4 extra points because apparently everyone sucks but me. then after class, i threw up in the bathroom. i guess my stomach decided it wasn’t as overjoyed as me. lol, karma.

i went home not long after that. now i’m beating myself up over leaving, as i totally could have stayed.

i don’t know what’s wrong with me. i’m going to call on friday and try to get in to see the doctor early.

trying to tend to the dead parts of my mind. where nothing good grows. sometimes the truth is so ugly that there is no way to live with it intact and be happy. so we have to twist the truth, distort it, look at it thru rose tinted glasses. pretend we learned deep lessons from it about how life is. that we are stronger, better for it. but it isn’t always the case.

it’s just easier to tell a lie than face the truth in its unadulterated form sometimes. i’ve said it before: i obsess over my perception of the truth and the perception of others. it’s crazy how it never quite matches up, even among people with similar characteristics and values. it’s like we all have the same inkblot of a life, but we all arrive at a different idea of what it all means.

i feel bad about the bridges i’ve burned with the sheer force of my ugly personality. friends who got sick of my pessimist outlook. some people would say, oh, if they were really friends they would have stuck around. but i’m not stupid. i know love like that ain’t unconditional, nor should it be. i know sometimes it’s small things, but they add up, and it’s like the voice that took down the mountain of snow. and i’m left smothered in the cold, all by myself. lol.

all i know is, deep down i’m a contrarian who likes to cause trouble for myself. my first-grade report card literally said ‘sarah does not work well by herself or with others’. mrs. johnson really didn’t like me. i almost tell that story with pride now. like, yeah, i’m a real baddie. anybody with eyes can see that i don’t care.

 

 

and if love is a drug, i don’t want it, because i don’t have any self control

it’s midnight and i’m in the basement because it’s thundering a tiny bit and lucy is afraid.

i had the usual dream that has become rather unusual as my mind tries to buck away from its habitual obsessions to focus on new ones. the old ones, the old dreams are rare now, and made more precious because of it. also more poisonous.

i’m walking through a party, because i know you’re there. but you’ve left. i look everywhere, and you’re gone. you just left the room. you just turned the corner. it’s like a maze of other people smiling and laughing, and me, alone, looking for you. this time i don’t wind up outside in the snow and stars, the dream doesn’t reach this sad crescendo. it just ends with me realizing you’re not there, not anywhere near me.

the dream is a bit on the nose, lol. real life occasionally mirrors it. i find myself at get-togethers, too afraid to be obvious, to ask if you’re there. so i just wander, looking for you..and of course you’re never there. you’re somewhere else, living a different life. i guess i have to accept that.

the last time i saw you i was a different person with a different agenda, a different heart, a different mind. i didn’t know much about anything outside myself. i don’t even know who you are anymore, and i don’t know who, or how, to ask. i don’t even know why i held on to you in my mind, why i ever found comfort in thoughts of star-crossed love, brought to fruition. that path is gone. it’s dead, with all the others. i guess my mind just hasn’t caught up to reality, which is definitely a theme brought up in my life over and over.

sometimes i feel as though i don’t belong in reality anyway. i’ve spent some time apart and i don’t think it lives up to the hype. oh well. as everyone in my life keeps saying, it is what it is. and there is something so final and concrete about that, that i wanna fight it, because honestly that’s my place, i think, fighting things, ideas, concepts, truths. i sometimes just want to ignore the truth so i don’t have to fight it or accept it fully, but that never works for long. something always reminds me of you and i’m back on the stupid, gaudy, rococo train of thought that i’m pretty sure is love, and though everyone’s always spouting on about it, it is the saddest, most futile thing i’ve ever witnessed myself engaging in. so, as some wise, eloquent, probably long dead person said, that sucks.

and unfortunately i’ve found myself agreeing with the naysayers.

i’m here, and you’re merely a gesture in some vague direction to me. that’s how far apart we are, in body and mind. so yeah, sarah, give up, give in. this idea you hold is dead and you’re just sadly, obstinately oblivious to it half the time. and the other half you’re in mourning for it. just let go.

it is what it is.

my tears are anathema here

i’m trying not to falter, trying not to quit. i keep heading towards the future, toward a horizon that never ends. there’s a persistent, nagging feeling in the back of my mind, that if i would just quit, i would be happier. but i know that’s a lie. that happiness is at the end of the neverending horizon, and i just have to trust that i will make it. it seems futile, but i just have to keep going. i don’t know what i would do, if i didn’t keep going.

people are so desperate, so animalistic in their desires and drives. i wish i could stand apart from them sometimes. not be one, lol.

i overcompensate, love where i feel like hating. listening and nodding where i wish i could just put my fingers in my ears and yell LA LA LA! i don’t wanna listen to these people drivel on, it does nothing good for me, listening to this. it doesn’t build love or understanding. it just makes me feel tired and old, and only one of those things makes any sense, looking at who i am. i don’t know how people like them live with themselves. i’m not even that bad, when i think about it in my few moments of objective lucidity, and i can barely live with myself, so how the hell do they? seriously, what is their secret, i wanna know!? like, what? anything can i do to hate myself a bit less.

i have been sleeping terribly the past couple of weeks, and it’s messing with my head a little. i keep seesawing between self-flagellation to self-soothing, going from mentally beating myself up to mindlessly consuming media mostly pertaining to cats, dogs, and television shows. that leaves a little time to study and a little time to sleep. i’m not doing badly in school, i’m actually doing pretty well in two out of three classes so that’s just swell, but my mind sticks to the third, and i beat myself up more and sleep less and study frantically.

okay again, with the lucid thought, outwardly i’m doing well, except for the sleep thing. and honestly, i’m glad it’s hyposomnia versus hypersomnia. i would much rather sleep like 3 hours a night than, say, 15. i have been cooking a lot, i have kept on top of studying and homework.  in one of my classes, i’m not doing my best work, but i’ve done the calculations, lol, and if i just put a little more thought into what i study before tests/quizzes, i can boost my grade a bit, maybe score an a-.

in my environmental science class, i got a freaking 85% on my first test, which is okay, because i know she gives out a couple of little extra credit assignments. but i was so sleep deprived that i answered a few questions wrong that i really really knew the answers to, and looking at that test now i just wince.

it’s about 7pm, and i’m trying to wind down. tomorrow is supposed to be bad weather, and i’m hoping class is canceled so i have another day to study for my next test.

i just wanna say that this whole latest school shooting hit me pretty hard. it made me so deeply sad and angry at so many things, so many people. i am just trying to keep my little world together, and then reality seeps in, and i can’t pretend to be cold and objective anymore.

i’m managing.

so i guess i’ll just act bored instead

i’m home!

well i’ve been home for about a week.

i cleaned my room really well when i got home, emptied my suitcase, hung up all my clean clothes. it’s not a huge deal, but my room was a mess, with papers in it from two semesters ago. i felt rather accomplished.

my mom got a robotic vacuum for christmas. we named it bunny, as in dust bunny. it vacuumed my room for me. the future is here. my mom has it vacuum every day. it likes to get caught on the outer hearth of the fireplace, making a loud beeping sound when it can’t roll away.

i also picked out clothes i wanna get rid of, bring to goodwill or something.

it’s 1:45AM, i woke up around half an hour ago. now that i’m home i’m back to going to bed early, waking up early. at my grandparents’, it was the opposite. i can’t handle their crazy schedule of going to bed around midnight every freaking night. it’s like guys, i have to wake up in a few hours. they just don’t understand.

liz sent me more photos she had taken of physical photos at my grandparents house, which is such a weirdly low-tech-high-tech way of saving pictures, i know, but my grandma doesn’t have a scanner.

this is one of my favorite pics, because it is of both thomas, my brother, and my favorite dog my grandma ever had, keta:

FullSizeRender-7

i loved keta. i remember being really really jealous of my cousin once because my grandma took her picture with keta and not me. i was livid. i was like five, and i had a full-blown tantrum over that. keta was the bomb.

the sky was so light when i woke up i thought it was later, but it’s not, so i’ll probably try to fall asleep on the couch.

our cat ava is playing with an ornament: a popsicle stick painted red that says joy on it. we still haven’t taken down the tree. the cats have been pretty good with it, though they love when we put fresh water in the base, they think it’s for them to drink out of.

now that i look closer at the sky i see it’s cloudy, no stars, and that eerie orange color. i don’t know how to describe it but i associate it with winter and snow. i should sleep.

i don’t know why i’m such an insomniac half the time. i try to stay asleep but every small thing wakes me up. our dog sleeps in my room so she’s used to getting up later in the night and coming downstairs. oh well, she insists on eating breakfast in a few hours anyway.


and now it’s around 6:45. i slept the rest of the night away, mom fed lucy and walked her. i’m back down on the couch again.

watching ava circle the base of the xmas tree, looking for a nice angle to drink the gross tree water, i’m somehow reminded of something from a long time ago.

my aunt used to live on an acreage, and she had a few barn cats that were friendly. i remember one of them, a black and white tom-cat, liked to follow people around when they were outside, and he was following me around on that particular day, and i was climbing trees. i picked a pine near the end of the driveway, a nice tall one, a good vantage point to see whether anyone was coming. i was probably 10 or 11 years old then.

well i zipped up the pine with the stupid unthinking vigor of youth, and was watching the road for cars, when i heard a meow from behind me. i turned around, and in the next tree, looking dumb and calm, was that damned cat. i remember he was purring super loud, like totally proud of himself, his tail high. he started walking towards me on the thinnest of branches, and of course it started bowing down under his weight, and so i grabbed him, and carefully climbed down the tree with him. i inspected the tree the cat had climbed. he must of had to run half up the thing, it had no branches near the bottom of the trunk. so, stupid cat, or smart cat? i never know with cats. and it is that guessing that i like about them. i try to cultivate that same kind of mystique. stupid sarah, or smart sarah? i seriously may never know the answer to either.

well, it’s 7 and the sun is rising. i have nothing to do today. tomorrow i’m getting up similarly early (at 5), to participate in our store’s annual inventory. it’s fun. lol, i swear, ever year i do it, and every year i tell myself that the next year i won’t work it. and yet every year i do it… i’m going back to sleep again.

 

i don’t care what the future holds, ’cause i’m right here, and i’m today

me and my dad looked at old pictures tonight, i called myself a nerd over and over. the past was simpler, though, possibly.

here’s me and the original oliver, who was my grandma’s cat, first named tiger until i started calling him oliver over and over until the name stuck:

FullSizeRender-5FullSizeRender-3

i really don’t wanna forget about shandar, who is the dark tabby in this picture. he died years ago, at age 22:

fullsizeoutput_4b1

getting a santa stocking drawn on one cheek and a helicopter temporary tattoo on the other, a combo that makes no sense, stylin’ as always with my cowlick and a self-cut chunk out of my bangs:
FullSizeRender-4

judging by the outfit this is right after seeing santa.

 

 

looking like an out of focus, un-self-conscious weirdo at my birthday party:

FullSizeRender-6

 

and then there’s thomas as a kid, pretending to read the bible, looking angelic. it’s ‘ironic’ as he said, ’cause he’s pretty irreligious now. aren’t we all.

 

unnamed-1

 

 

here’s my dad and thomas, right before my dad had his right eye removed from melanoma. this was 2001, i think.

FullSizeRender-13.jpg

 

i’ve just got loads of pictures now. blast from the past, yo.

then today i took some random pictures and videos of cats, because i was at joey and cari’s house and they have three.

this is one, aptly named kitty:

IMB_GPJw5b.GIF

this is pogo:

FullSizeRender-14.jpg

for some reason i didn’t get a pic of caspar, who is the most friendly of the cats and the grey one grooming himself here:

IMB_ddaeUx.GIF.gif

they also have a rabbit named peanut:

fullsizeoutput_4b0

i was honestly too scared of dropping her to hold her. she is huge and gorgeous tho.

 

on the way over there, i took a video of downtown dell rapids, which is sorta cute:

IMB_pBWeLm.GIF.gif

 

my dad found a panda mask.

FullSizeRender-12.jpg

 

and that is all. tomorrow i’m headed home in the morning. i didn’t get everything done i wanted, it’s really really cold out (currently -7°F), but i had as good of a time as i could expect. better, even.

oh, and for xmas i got two shirts, one with a stormtrooper and AT-AT in starry night fashion, and a shirt from thomas of bart simpson drinking a super squishee.  i love them both. i also got some money, which is always nice. i’m a lucky person.

i will be happy to be going home, but i feel good about my trip.

glad for the old days, but glad they’re gone, too. even if they never really are, ha.

 

can you extract me from my plastic fantasy? i didn’t think so but i’m still convinceable

my mom is making chex mix. i can smell it throughout the whole house. the only downside of it is that it has worcestershire sauce in it, and that stuff is basically liquid anchovies, lulz. grosses me out. but i’ll eat that stuff anyway..

my cousin nichole was in a car accident the other day. i don’t know if she was drinking or what, but she had a head injury and some broken bones. i don’t really know the specifics. it just all makes me really sad. i wish i could keep everyone safe, especially from themselves.

me and nichole were best buds growing up, wreaking havoc on the small town she lived in. then as the years went on we grew apart, until we barely knew each other. sometimes family isn’t forever. relationships change.

was looking through pictures of my grandma’s on facebook, she loves taking pictures with her fancy canon camera. this one is of aidan, robbie’s (nichole’s brother) son, and olivia, nichole’s daughter, when they were younger, at the park, where there is a train car parked in the middle. so freaking cute. i miss them. lol, the last time i saw aidan, he babbled on about airplanes to me in a completely unintelligible way.

fullsizeoutput_4a9

i can’t wait to get to dell rapids, see everyone, and take pictures of all the important landmarks of my childhood. i’m seriously going to try to get some good ones, or at least some tolerable ones. like of the library, the old opera house, the movie theater, the bandstand in the park, the old bath house on the bank of the river, the cliff where me and nichole used to hang out at. everything.

who knows when i will get back there again after this trip.

the cats love the tree, which is a bad thing. we’re pretty sure one of them climbed it during the night, as there was water from the base on the floor. i bet it was either rome or javi, they’re the troublemakers.

i’m kind of jealous, my dad and liz and thomas are going to the new star wars movie tonight, at one of those fancy theaters where you sit at a table and eat dinner while watching. fuuuun. nah, i haven’t even seen the last star wars movie completely.

oooh, in 2018 there is going to be an adaptation of the book mortal engines! i love that book because the dedication is for sarah. i’m such a narcissist, lol. no, i actually love the story, all the books, and his other series, railhead. if i had to choose which reality i had to live in, i would totally choose railhead.  in railhead, the internet houses godlike entities, and it’s awesome. if the internet were a god, i would worship. BLASPHEMY.

mortal engines contains a concept called municipal darwinism, in which the best city, aka biggest, wins out. i love it.

IT WAS A DARK BLUSTERY AFTERNOON IN SPRING, lol. i’ve read that first sentence so many times, i memorized it. i hope the film is good. hester was supposed to be a total hideous antihero badass, and i doubt they’ll make her so cruel/ugly in the movie. oh well, can’t have it all.