eyes without a face

so,

i was born early morning, june 3rd. 1:13 am.

i love how people struggle to find meaning in the numbers, the days of the week, in the movements of the stars and planets. everything. in the end though, i’m not sure if anything has meaning other than the meaning we invest. humans are the real power, not freaking dots of light in the sky, so far away they could be dead/dark and we wouldn’t even know. but a lot of people don’t invest their power in themselves. we don’t know what to do with ourselves really. we’ve come so very far and yet we’re all still just here. it is beautiful and sad and lovely and very hard to fathom for me sometimes.

lol i think i’m just having an existential crisis. it is like this every birthday month. when truly it’s just like any other month. which may be why it is hard to deal with in the first place.

i’m 25, a quarter of a century, as my coworkers so thoughtfully remind me.

anyway, happy belated birthday to me. it’s been a great show of bravery in the face of futility.

and i believe in gentle harmony, well how i loathe all this obscenity

went to tyler’s apartment the day before yesterday to clean it up. swept the kitchen, scrubbed the floor, vacuumed the whole place, cleaned the bathroom. took a few hours and wasn’t nearly as bad as i thought it would be.

yesterday was a nothing day. so is today. i did some laundry yesterday and worked on a painting i’ve been working on for years, and it is shit compared to what i want it to be, but hey, whatever. it is just layers and layers of acrylic and oil paint, and it is a mess. lol my brother asked me what it was years ago, and i replied sarcastically that it’s called joie de vivre.

when i started the painting, i was pretty isolated and alone and sad, pathetic. still kind of am, but i feel more comfortable with it, shrug.

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joie de vivre is painted on a wooden board i found in our barn. i loved that barn. i don’t have a picture of it anymore, so i found it on google maps street view. tech is amazing.

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just your standard old iowa barn. not even painted the classic red. i used to sit up in the window by the tree and watch traffic go by, waiting for my mom to get home.

i don’t miss living in the countryside. like i said, i was really isolated and alone. i remember sitting at night, at the computer, playing solitaire or freecell or freaking minesweeper. lol. then trawling the internet in search of someone, anyone to talk to. then getting bored with talking and abruptly abandoning conversations. playing runescape, circa 2007. getting tired of the grind and using bots. oh, when the world was both more simple and terrible, or probs the same. you can still find runescape servers that kept the 2007-feel. so, shitty graphics and harassing neckbeards. good tiems. i enjoy seeing the historical memes though. toeing the line with relatable and offensively casual.

this post was all over the place, not cohesive at all. really the only overlying theme is sad, bitter nostalgia. like, i miss the good old days, but actually now that i think about it they kind of sucked. so i’m glad that time moves forward, even tho it is hard to keep up.