i was crushed by the weight of my own ego

life continues at a slow pace. i’ve been waking up at 5 every morning for the last coupla weeks, and staying up late, so the days just freaking drag on and on. i’ve been a little sad lately. i wouldn’t call it depressed. just kind of down. i’m a boat with no rudder, listless, directionless, just floatin’.

brent is travelling to the east coast in a few weeks, to stay at an airbnb and work his new job, basically until we find a house. the realness of moving is slowly setting in. though i still haven’t told my dad. i just don’t know how to. do i just pretend like it’s a mere possibility, introduce the idea slowly, or do i reveal the info immediately the next time i talk to him?

he will take it like bad news. he doesn’t see it from my perspective, he’s not that empathetic. he doesn’t see it as an opportunity. to start anew, to get a new outlook on things. he doesn’t see how much of a rut i’m in.┬áit’s a new place, pretty different. it’s exciting. he will just see the glaringly obvious fact that i’m moving farther away. i get it. i’m a little sad about it too, but every time i visit him, i don’t feel at home anyway. i have no place there. when i’m there, everyone’s life goes on and mine is just at a standstill. everyone’s at work or school or (on the weekends,) living it up on the stupid boat getting mildly drunk and socializing (neither of which am i crazy about).

thomas will be going to KU soon, and will be even busier. so when i go there i will feel even less at home, less of a connection.

idk what to think, as usual. i’ve been trying to get out of some bad habits lately, like consuming vast amounts of caffeine in every form possible, but i fear i will sink into worse habits if i give up my current vices.

i’m an all or nothing person, soo i tend to go a little overboard when i do things. like trying to eat more balanced. i don’t do balanced. i feel like i either eat too much or nothing at all. i play it down for the general public, but when i was younger i had an eating disorder.

i was hospitalized for a few weeks in the kind of place that takes away your shoelaces so you aren’t tempted to string yourself up. it’s a bit of a blur, but i remember sitting with a nutritionist, crying while i ate. lol. it was considered an atypical eating disorder, as it was more like a bad habit of not eating, that i sank deep into until eating became to seem unnecessary, a chore. i also rarely drank anything, so before i was hospitalized i would go in once a week for liquids through an IV.

anyway, the point of this little trip down memory lane is that i am afraid of falling back into old habits like that. the overall point of this rambling is that change and balance are freaking hard af.

she’s a simple girl. she’s governed by simple pleasures

we purchased new appliances for the kitchen. it’s funny, we wanted to redo the kitchen forever ago, but now that we’re moving and selling the place, now we actually find the time and energy to do it. we are getting new counters and having the cabinets painted.

we’re also painting the basement, as the colors were orange and black (giants) previously. it’s almost done. took like three coats of primer to cover the black.

it’s almost sunken in that we are moving. i have only told a couple of people at work that i am leaving eventually. i have not broken the news to my dad yet, and i’m not sure how to. it’s ridiculous. it’s like dealing with telling a kid bad news, i have no idea how mature he is going to be about it.

adam and his girlfriend visited from minneapolis. i really like her. she fits in. she is funny and a little strange, and doesn’t put up with adam’s attitude. i think she is a microbiology major, but initially wanted to be a veterinarian. she recently got a job in a hospital. adam is still dealing with garbage with his whole emt recertification or something, the usual hoop-jumping we all inevitably do to continue living.

we still don’t know where we will be moving to, precisely.. it will all come down to where my mom gets a job. we will probs settle on virginia, as it seems to have larger lots and more wooded areas, lol. plenty of space from the neighbors. reservedness/slight misanthropy seems to run in my family.

and i’m continuing at my usual pace. a little up, down, forward, back. a little bit of bravado, mostly hesitation. mostly i’m filling my time with working on the house. for instance, i spent a solid few hours sorting our dvds by ones to keep and ones to donate to the library. then i got a dvd binder on amazon. then i alphabetized the few hundred left that brent insisted on keeping and put them in the binder. by the time i was almost done, i was getting sloppy with my alphabetizing.

tyler is my half-brother, and his dad’s father died. his dad is a distant bastard, never really involving himself overtly in tyler’s life. explains tyler’s chip on his shoulder. so his grandfather was like the closest thing he had to a good father. for the several months after his stroke, tyler’s grandpa didn’t even remember tyler. as tyler put it, it felt as if he was already gone. but then he went and died, this time for real and forever, and it is all really sad. i don’t know, i guess i’m bad at articulating feelings, but i think it surprised tyler, the way the loss hit him. i bet he didn’t expect he would feel it so sharply. he even said ‘love you too’ to my mom the past few times she talked to him on the phone. shocking stuff.

things continue to go whether i like it or not, so i’m going to continue to go with them i guess. there’s just so much to do. and i don’t want to do any of it. so it’s hard to know where to start. i made a list of dreaded tasks related to moving, and i’m slowly crossing things off. so things continue to go.