we are in old town alexandria, staying at a hotel until the old homeowners of our new house finish moving out tomorrow night.

the way here was crazy. we started driving around 3pm and then drove all night, arrived in our ohio hotel at about 4AM. most of the way, it was either sleeting or raining. we left the hotel around 8AM and then drove to falls church, where my mom’s new job is. she did some paperwork for about an hour and then we continued on to alexandria.

i think i got a bit dehydrated. i barely drank anything, and my lips started burning and are now peeling.

i am going to tell my dad that we moved tonight. though we are pretty much already here, i’m going to tell him, actually, that we are moving in a couple of weeks. i’m going to go back to kansas for xmas i think, to be all appeasing.

the cats are in big wire dog cages, split up by two and three. they took the journey pretty well, though getting them in the cages was terrible. they freaked out. by the time we got them in the car though and were on our way, they settled down. lucy has her bed, and she is currently laying in it. she has barely eaten anything, so i worry. but we checked her blood sugar and will continue to keep an eye on it, and she is good. she is at least drinking. the worst of it all is over.

 

sleeping only makes you tired

we are leaving on friday for virginia, like it or not. ready, or not..

i still haven’t told my dad that i’m moving, lmao…. T_T

i’m working on my resume. i want to get an internship with an ngo or something similar. i don’t even care if i make any money. i just want experience, something to help me on my way. there are so many ngo opportunities in the DC area, it’s overwhelming. and little old me, i don’t think i’m at all qualified for any of them. all i have is experience in retail. i don’t even know how those skills would apply. customer service, shrink management. lol, counting money and keeping a balanced safe. no idea how any of that would make me stand out.

i had both netflix and hulu for a few months, but i cancelled them both, as i am no longer making money. my brother still has hulu through his school, because they seemed to have forgotten to cancel it or something, as he graduated. so anyway, he gave me his password to both that and his netflix password. we are so spoiled for options of things to watch, timewasters.

i’ve been watching castlevania, which, going on absolutely no foreknowledge, i thought would be a lot more lighthearted. it’s gothic and dark. i like it.

my mom is in a foul mood at all times, and the larger part of me doesn’t blame her. there is so much to do, so much going on. and she barely has any help. just me, really. i mean, i’m not in a great mood either, but i am great at hiding it.

i have been sleeping on the couch for the last coupla weeks, so my back hurts and i’m tired all the time, which is rather unfortunate in itself, but there is also a lot to do before we move. i feel like i’m no help. my stuff is basically all packed up now, and i am very little help to my mom i feel. she won’t let me do anything because like me she is a control freak, and so all i’m good for is moral support.

ooh and i went to the doctor, and apparently i have polycystic ovary syndrome. i went in just to be put on birth control because my periods are crazy irregular, and the doc asked me a few questions, did some blood tests, and a few days later i had the diagnosis. so not only are my hormones totally fucked (no wonder i’m an emotional wreck haha), also, i will probs have a hard time having children if i ever change my mind on that. so that’s great. i mean, i didn’t really want biological children, but i didn’t want the option taken away.

oh i guess i’m going to vote today. last important thing i’m going to do in iowa.

good luck to me in my endeavors.

 

your silence won’t do you any favors

my mom’s in virginia, house hunting. today she saw a house she and brent really liked in alexandria and may even put an offer in on it.

my brother was here from minneapolis for a few days. he left yesterday. he helped with some dismantling, packing, and moving things into the garage. at one point he sawed the living room entertainment center/bookshelf in half, lmao, with a little handsaw. it was that or leave it in the house, because that thing was enormous, heavier than it looked, and totally unwieldy. before we decided it needed to be sawed in half, adam took off one of the glass doors and it shattered, with tiny little chunks of glass all over. took forever to clean up. it kind of sucks we totally destroyed it in hindsight, as though i didn’t really like how gigantic it was, it’s a shame it will go completely to waste.

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later in the day we put together a little mid-century-looking sofa my mom purchased to stage in the house. it was waaay more difficult than it should have been thanks to a terrible instruction manual and our general incompetence. kidding, it was all the instructions’ fault. they didn’t specify which washer to use in which step, and so we used the bigger washer, assuming that it was the right one. it was a total cluster of trying to get the damn screws in. i swear it took like 2-3 hours and a lot of clumsy maneuvering, trying to get different pieces lined up. plus, now that it is put together and in the corner of the living room with cardboard draped around it for protection, the cats are obsessed with it. i’ve had to scare them away from scratching at it several times now.

so the day before yesterday, and yesterday, were good, productive days. today, in contrast, was not. i mean, i cleaned up a bit and did laundry, but i left a lot to do before tomorrow night, when my mom gets home. classic me, waiting for the pressure to really light a fire under me.

i’m kind of scared with everything changing, but i’ll just keep on moving forward. or at least try to not go any farther back.

 

a night in search of a day

my mom’s friend from work is raising 5 kittens whose mom was hit by a car. they are about 4 weeks old now. so like the good person my mom is, she offered to take two to foster. but after my mom’s friend took care of them for a couple of days, she decided she would be okay feeding them on her own. i was sort of disappointed. i love taking care of kittens. it’s hard because you have to feed them every few hours, but it is so rewarding to see them grow and thrive so quickly.

the packing process continues. my stepdad left for DC yesterday. he won’t be back to iowa most likely as a resident. it’s up to me and my mom to take care of everything. stressful..

my mom has a job interview on wednesday in virginia at a hospital. the downside of it is that it wouldn’t be a federal job and if she ever wanted to go back into the VA system she would have to jump through the same hoops that she had at the beginning. the upside is that it isn’t a VA hospital. a big no offence, but veterans have a tendency to be rather…demanding. there are a lot of vietnam war-age veterans who are totally bigoted: racist, sexist; drug & alcohol addicted. also, most importantly, they are often non-compliant with treatment. you would think they would take orders better. the vets aren’t all bad obviously, but often a bad impression can overwhelm a bunch of good ones. just like most people meet one good veteran and assume all of them are heroes deserving of the utmost regard. in reality, like every group, veterans are quite a mixed bag.

the current political situation in the US has me cynical and irritated. where i’m usually non-confrontational, i just want to yell at someone about it all.

my stepdad voted for trump, and i’m not even mad. i’m just deeply disappointed. i want to blame him and people like him: the rich, the sheltered. the self-serving, privileged, persecution-complex riddled few who doublethink things like love thy neighbour and deport all immigrants without mercy.

what the fuck kind of thoughts even go through their minds? ‘jesus loves, jesus saves, so i sure as hell don’t have to????!’

i get tired of trying to be the bigger person and forgive people when i don’t even follow an ideology that goes on and on about it. and it hurts, because i forgive others for things i would never let slide when it comes to me. it feels unfair of me.

obviously i’m not perfect, but at least i’m self-aware enough to see my flaws, where certain other people just seem to glide through life without a stress in the world about their actions or inactions. i sometimes believe that people should be constantly in a state of cognitive dissonance, they should be torn on what the right thing to do is, all the time. there should be no hard and fast rules to cheat your way through life on. life, as complex and multi-layered as it is, should not be simple, no matter how much we all wish it were sometimes.

 

 

 

 

 

 

i was crushed by the weight of my own ego

life continues at a slow pace. i’ve been waking up at 5 every morning for the last coupla weeks, and staying up late, so the days just freaking drag on and on. i’ve been a little sad lately. i wouldn’t call it depressed. just kind of down. i’m a boat with no rudder, listless, directionless, just floatin’.

brent is travelling to the east coast in a few weeks, to stay at an airbnb and work his new job, basically until we find a house. the realness of moving is slowly setting in. though i still haven’t told my dad. i just don’t know how to. do i just pretend like it’s a mere possibility, introduce the idea slowly, or do i reveal the info immediately the next time i talk to him?

he will take it like bad news. he doesn’t see it from my perspective, he’s not that empathetic. he doesn’t see it as an opportunity. to start anew, to get a new outlook on things. he doesn’t see how much of a rut i’m in.┬áit’s a new place, pretty different. it’s exciting. he will just see the glaringly obvious fact that i’m moving farther away. i get it. i’m a little sad about it too, but every time i visit him, i don’t feel at home anyway. i have no place there. when i’m there, everyone’s life goes on and mine is just at a standstill. everyone’s at work or school or (on the weekends,) living it up on the stupid boat getting mildly drunk and socializing (neither of which am i crazy about).

thomas will be going to KU soon, and will be even busier. so when i go there i will feel even less at home, less of a connection.

idk what to think, as usual. i’ve been trying to get out of some bad habits lately, like consuming vast amounts of caffeine in every form possible, but i fear i will sink into worse habits if i give up my current vices.

i’m an all or nothing person, soo i tend to go a little overboard when i do things. like trying to eat more balanced. i don’t do balanced. i feel like i either eat too much or nothing at all. i play it down for the general public, but when i was younger i had an eating disorder.

i was hospitalized for a few weeks in the kind of place that takes away your shoelaces so you aren’t tempted to string yourself up. it’s a bit of a blur, but i remember sitting with a nutritionist, crying while i ate. lol. it was considered an atypical eating disorder, as it was more like a bad habit of not eating, that i sank deep into until eating became to seem unnecessary, a chore. i also rarely drank anything, so before i was hospitalized i would go in once a week for liquids through an IV.

anyway, the point of this little trip down memory lane is that i am afraid of falling back into old habits like that. the overall point of this rambling is that change and balance are freaking hard af.

she’s a simple girl. she’s governed by simple pleasures

we purchased new appliances for the kitchen. it’s funny, we wanted to redo the kitchen forever ago, but now that we’re moving and selling the place, now we actually find the time and energy to do it. we are getting new counters and having the cabinets painted.

we’re also painting the basement, as the colors were orange and black (giants) previously. it’s almost done. took like three coats of primer to cover the black.

it’s almost sunken in that we are moving. i have only told a couple of people at work that i am leaving eventually. i have not broken the news to my dad yet, and i’m not sure how to. it’s ridiculous. it’s like dealing with telling a kid bad news, i have no idea how mature he is going to be about it.

adam and his girlfriend visited from minneapolis. i really like her. she fits in. she is funny and a little strange, and doesn’t put up with adam’s attitude. i think she is a microbiology major, but initially wanted to be a veterinarian. she recently got a job in a hospital. adam is still dealing with garbage with his whole emt recertification or something, the usual hoop-jumping we all inevitably do to continue living.

we still don’t know where we will be moving to, precisely.. it will all come down to where my mom gets a job. we will probs settle on virginia, as it seems to have larger lots and more wooded areas, lol. plenty of space from the neighbors. reservedness/slight misanthropy seems to run in my family.

and i’m continuing at my usual pace. a little up, down, forward, back. a little bit of bravado, mostly hesitation. mostly i’m filling my time with working on the house. for instance, i spent a solid few hours sorting our dvds by ones to keep and ones to donate to the library. then i got a dvd binder on amazon. then i alphabetized the few hundred left that brent insisted on keeping and put them in the binder. by the time i was almost done, i was getting sloppy with my alphabetizing.

tyler is my half-brother, and his dad’s father died. his dad is a distant bastard, never really involving himself overtly in tyler’s life. explains tyler’s chip on his shoulder. so his grandfather was like the closest thing he had to a good father. for the several months after his stroke, tyler’s grandpa didn’t even remember tyler. as tyler put it, it felt as if he was already gone. but then he went and died, this time for real and forever, and it is all really sad. i don’t know, i guess i’m bad at articulating feelings, but i think it surprised tyler, the way the loss hit him. i bet he didn’t expect he would feel it so sharply. he even said ‘love you too’ to my mom the past few times she talked to him on the phone. shocking stuff.

things continue to go whether i like it or not, so i’m going to continue to go with them i guess. there’s just so much to do. and i don’t want to do any of it. so it’s hard to know where to start. i made a list of dreaded tasks related to moving, and i’m slowly crossing things off. so things continue to go.