i’ve never seen the desert before, to be so close to nothing

this one’s a doozy.

it just hit me like a truck while i was trying to fall asleep the other night: i wish i had killed my self years ago. i’ve wasted so much time on earth. i used to think i could be a different person if i was just in a different place. but i’ve lived long enough, and i’ve travelled far enough that i know i will never be able to change.

lol i will never be able to put my family through my suicide tho.

yet i can’t stop thinking about it when each day ends. i’m just tired, i tell myself each night at 1am. do you ever get so tired that suicide seems like the only option. lol i can sleep when i’m dead.

i will probably not kill myself. so who the fuck cares how much pain i am in, right?

sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt, and all that shit, right?

i broke down in the doctor’s office crying when the doc asked if i was okay, after i filled out the stupid depression questionnaire.

i just feel trapped, i told her.

and i do. i feel like a pathetic little animal. like i would rather chew off my own leg than live here. lol.

i love how everyone is okay with how much my life feels like hell, as long as i don’t kill myself and make them feel bad. it isn’t about me, it’s all about them. like people are always saying there are worse things than death, but they don’t believe it. people will say anything to me, all the lies, as long as i don’t make that final step off the edge.

as an abrupt change of subject, we ate indian food after the doctor. it was good and spicy. lol my mom is so oblivious to everything, good for her. she thinks today was a good day.

i would do anything to let everyone remain oblivious in my life. but my resolve is crumbling. i don’t know how much i can keep this shit up. i need to speak to two of my profs and ask them for some sort of leniency for my shit attendance and school-work ethic. the other one is the religion one and since i’m getting more than 100% in that class currently, i’m not too worried.

okay for now i’m done venting to myself. what a great way to end the day: whining.

once i thought being lost was only a part of being young, but the old man in the bed next to your cot was screaming louder than anyone

i hate when i get to know someone and then wish i hadn’t. people can be so ugly on the inside.

why is it when literal nazis march, people just shrug and spout the tired old “freedom of speech”, but when someone kneels during some stupid dinosaur of a song, people get almost apoplectic with rage. a song at a football game has nothing to do with veterans. the whole act has nothing to do with veterans. i know many americans have such a hard-on for the military that they just have to relate everything under the sun back to glorious War™ and its various members, but come on, be real. i come from a long line of military folks, and i’m not so vain that i equate a simple, unobtrusive form of protest against the institutional racism faced by people of color, with an attack against my family. i’m not as selfish, self-centered or self-involved as that, at least.

i think its because the white right-wingers secretly (or not-so-secretly) relate more to the struggles (lol struggle: kampf, get it?) of nazis than they do african-americans.

also, have you noticed that when you say something simple like “black lives matter”, and don’t say anything about white people, right-wingers are up in arms, angry that people have the audacity to disclude them in that, so they quickly retort, in a nasally, irritating voice, i presume, that,  “ahem, all lives matter.” 

i, too, am uncomfortable when we are not about me.

even when segregation was abolished in the dear old hospitable south, it was basically a forced enterprise. our dear nether-neighbors equated mixing of the races to communism. basically, tho, anything that they didn’t like was communism. lol, like walt disney, with the writer’s strike. he said there was a communist conspiracy out to get him. he wasn’t unfair, communism was unfair. not that i’m a fan of communism, don’t get me wrong. i’m not for any sort of hard-line political ideology.

i remember hearing about a catholic school that desegregated in the south, and basically they threatened the people with excommunication if they did not integrate. hilarious. people care more about the afterlife than they do life.

oh yeah, and i’m not going to be a dictator for life anymore, i’m going to be a theological dictator. basically, if i don’t like you, you can no longer reside in paradise, i.e. my presence, so you are deported to hell, also called europe. lolololol. no. i think it’s the other way around.

i am the satan in this whole setup, anyway.

my mom said that one of her patients at the VA had some kind of weird flashback, and he told her to “take the clothes of the dead and redistribute them among the living.” like what kind of war was he fighting in? it was at the same time sad, funny, and disturbing. so, life as usual.

 

the years burn

i’m feeling rather stilted and formal today.

i enjoy having some people around because of the novelty of them. like, this one person i know is someone i consider a friend simply because i know they are waay more idealistic than i. they are strong in their beliefs.

i’m a total flip-flopper. i am swayed by a slight breeze.

i just know at the end of the day, this person i know is going to be the same. they can weather the storm. and if they broke, i swear i would cry. ’cause that would truly spell the end, if they couldn’t tell right from wrong anymore. because if they can’t, who can? certainly not a grey creature such as i? no, i’m meant for the morally uncertain ground, never quite sure if i’m villainous in my thoughts or something better.

and i truly love this friend of mine, because they are so just. they are kind when others don’t think to be. and that is beautiful to me.

i’m probably a little condescending in my thoughts of this person at times, because they seem almost guilelessly angelic to me, i just want to write them off at my cynical lows as just that: stupid. but they always do something to remind me that they have some sort of wit about them, and i am amazed all the more.

lol i still feel sometimes i am clapping at a child doing some sort of mundane thing, or praising a puppy for peeing outside as they should, but i swear i do have the utmost of regard for this person. in this world we live, as it always has been, it is difficult to find those kind of people you can set apart and truly call good. the rest are down in the mud with me.