i always thought i might be bad, now i’m sure that its true. ‘cause i think you’re so good and i’m nothing like you

i haven’t been sleeping great, and have had to wake up by 5 last week, over the weekend and today, so it’s been a weird, blurry while.

i’m glad there’s such thing as mother’s day, as i like an excuse to buy my mom stuff. i like buying gifts for people. a lot of people deserve more gifts, especially mothers.

i got my mom a necklace and this card.

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it’s funny because it could totally be one of our cats, or a metaphor for me being all destructive and impractical at times, me and my siblings. but we love her and she loves us, for some reason. probably because we’re all so adorable.

i know i complain about my mom a lot, and i bet she wants to complain about me, lol. but i don’t know what i would do without her. she’s my closest friend and the one real constant in my life. without her the world would be like a million times scarier.

there isn’t much going on in my life. though this week i am going to apply for a few universities, which is scary. i’m thinking of this smaller school, which is more expensive and competitive, but i think it would be a good fit for me. i like the idea of getting to know professors and having them actually know who i am.

with steps forward like this my anxiety goes into overdrive of what-ifs. but i’ve talked it over with myself, and there aren’t that many possible pitfalls of applying to a college. the worst thing is that they won’t accept me. and there are so many schools out there.

so i’m nervous but i’ve felt a little better since i found out i passed my last semester.

i’m thinking of trying to completely cut caffeine from my diet. i just rely on it too much, and i worry it messes with my sleep more than i know. i try not to drink anything with caffeine after 12pm, but sometimes have some like to get me through a paper or other homework. it’s not healthy. plus lately i keep getting heartburn, and it’s really annoying. i’d wean myself off of it though so i can avoid headaches.

overall, things are okay. i’m managing like usual. plodding away like the persistent though often unsuccessful treasure that i am.

i figure things may not be going great, but they will keep going, regardless. time is stupid like that. so i might as well enjoy the things before they pass me by on the way to wherever i’m going right now. i may not have this view tomorrow, so i’m going to hold on to it today.

 

 

 

 

once i thought being lost was only a part of being young, but the old man in the bed next to your cot was screaming louder than anyone

i hate when i get to know someone and then wish i hadn’t. people can be so ugly on the inside.

why is it when literal nazis march, people just shrug and spout the tired old “freedom of speech”, but when someone kneels during some stupid dinosaur of a song, people get almost apoplectic with rage. a song at a football game has nothing to do with veterans. the whole act has nothing to do with veterans. i know many americans have such a hard-on for the military that they just have to relate everything under the sun back to glorious War™ and its various members, but come on, be real. i come from a long line of military folks, and i’m not so vain that i equate a simple, unobtrusive form of protest against the institutional racism faced by people of color, with an attack against my family. i’m not as selfish, self-centered or self-involved as that, at least.

i think its because the white right-wingers secretly (or not-so-secretly) relate more to the struggles (lol struggle: kampf, get it?) of nazis than they do african-americans.

also, have you noticed that when you say something simple like “black lives matter”, and don’t say anything about white people, right-wingers are up in arms, angry that people have the audacity to disclude them in that, so they quickly retort, in a nasally, irritating voice, i presume, that,  “ahem, all lives matter.” 

i, too, am uncomfortable when we are not about me.

even when segregation was abolished in the dear old hospitable south, it was basically a forced enterprise. our dear nether-neighbors equated mixing of the races to communism. basically, tho, anything that they didn’t like was communism. lol, like walt disney, with the writer’s strike. he said there was a communist conspiracy out to get him. he wasn’t unfair, communism was unfair. not that i’m a fan of communism, don’t get me wrong. i’m not for any sort of hard-line political ideology.

i remember hearing about a catholic school that desegregated in the south, and basically they threatened the people with excommunication if they did not integrate. hilarious. people care more about the afterlife than they do life.

oh yeah, and i’m not going to be a dictator for life anymore, i’m going to be a theological dictator. basically, if i don’t like you, you can no longer reside in paradise, i.e. my presence, so you are deported to hell, also called europe. lolololol. no. i think it’s the other way around.

i am the satan in this whole setup, anyway.

my mom said that one of her patients at the VA had some kind of weird flashback, and he told her to “take the clothes of the dead and redistribute them among the living.” like what kind of war was he fighting in? it was at the same time sad, funny, and disturbing. so, life as usual.

 

this game of cruelty hardly becomes me

monday is the final, yay

i work the weekend, i work monday-wednesday, and then come early saturday, we are headed to cancun.

yesterday was a bad day. i set mom off and i felt bad about it. i always get suicidal overload after that. like, i always have suicidal thoughts in a casual way, but this new, more sinister voice just whispers to me even more ardently, that i was right before, that i really should kill myself now, that people really are better off without me. i’m better today i think.

our final project is giving out bags of candy and inspirational notes to random people on campus, which is funny and nice. i also have my final essay almost done, which is great.

this is really an easy class. we can make up one test if we wish. i’m already getting an a-, per my usual. but i want a full-blown A if i can get it. so i’m making up exam 2, trying to get 100% on it. i’m feeling better, i guess. more energized.

can’t fake the daytime

today is my mom’s birthay! her gift is coming in the mail today. i bought her d&g floral drops perfume, one of her favorites, and i’m so excited for it to come. we are going out for dinner, and adam is coming down for it.

work went well, i wasn’t so tired. judy is so sweet to me, i don’t deserve friends like her.

today is a better day. it started better. i’m feeling better. better, better, better.

i was happy for a while and i stopped being scared

we were so great together. we were golden. then you had to fuck it up and ruin it like you do every last thing, sarah-leee….

‘you have to fight at some point. you can’t just succumb’

do you not see how hard i am fighting?? how every day with school and work i try so effing hard? even though i don’t want to, there is no real motivation or perk for me. and you stand there above me as i lay on the floor; all sanctimonious and without real depth or emotion, and you just kick and kick and kick. i hate you almost as much as i love you.

kill me sarah, kill me again with love

i worry about everyone. i worry about my mom, who is chronically ill. i worry about my father who just lost his job so started up his own lawn service. i worry about my brother who is depressed. i worry about my other brother who just started college. and worry is such a fucking useless thing. like i don’t have enough problems reaching out from the past without the future looming out of the orange gloom ahead like a fucking monstrous preternatural being.