and if love is a drug, i don’t want it, because i don’t have any self control

it’s midnight and i’m in the basement because it’s thundering a tiny bit and lucy is afraid.

i had the usual dream that has become rather unusual as my mind tries to buck away from its habitual obsessions to focus on new ones. the old ones, the old dreams are rare now, and made more precious because of it. also more poisonous.

i’m walking through a party, because i know you’re there. but you’ve left. i look everywhere, and you’re gone. you just left the room. you just turned the corner. it’s like a maze of other people smiling and laughing, and me, alone, looking for you. this time i don’t wind up outside in the snow and stars, the dream doesn’t reach this sad crescendo. it just ends with me realizing you’re not there, not anywhere near me.

the dream is a bit on the nose, lol. real life occasionally mirrors it. i find myself at get-togethers, too afraid to be obvious, to ask if you’re there. so i just wander, looking for you..and of course you’re never there. you’re somewhere else, living a different life. i guess i have to accept that.

the last time i saw you i was a different person with a different agenda, a different heart, a different mind. i didn’t know much about anything outside myself. i don’t even know who you are anymore, and i don’t know who, or how, to ask. i don’t even know why i held on to you in my mind, why i ever found comfort in thoughts of star-crossed love, brought to fruition. that path is gone. it’s dead, with all the others. i guess my mind just hasn’t caught up to reality, which is definitely a theme brought up in my life over and over.

sometimes i feel as though i don’t belong in reality anyway. i’ve spent some time apart and i don’t think it lives up to the hype. oh well. as everyone in my life keeps saying, it is what it is. and there is something so final and concrete about that, that i wanna fight it, because honestly that’s my place, i think, fighting things, ideas, concepts, truths. i sometimes just want to ignore the truth so i don’t have to fight it or accept it fully, but that never works for long. something always reminds me of you and i’m back on the stupid, gaudy, rococo train of thought that i’m pretty sure is love, and though everyone’s always spouting on about it, it is the saddest, most futile thing i’ve ever witnessed myself engaging in. so, as some wise, eloquent, probably long dead person said, that sucks.

and unfortunately i’ve found myself agreeing with the naysayers.

i’m here, and you’re merely a gesture in some vague direction to me. that’s how far apart we are, in body and mind. so yeah, sarah, give up, give in. this idea you hold is dead and you’re just sadly, obstinately oblivious to it half the time. and the other half you’re in mourning for it. just let go.

it is what it is.

what a beautiful face i have found in this place

my final exams are done in my classes. next week i’m going to get my hair done on wednesday, and on friday i’m going to meet my dad in avoca iowa, a dinky little truckstop of a town amidst many others like it, and we’re all goin’ to dell rapids, south dakota. of all the dinky little towns in the world, dell rapids is probs the one i know best. i’ve been going there since i was a baby, in fact i was almost born there. it’s the home of my grandparents, my aunt, my uncle, my cousins, and a good portion of my childhood memories. i remember biking down on main street with my cousin nichole, going to the dollar store to buy crayons and a little crane figurine for my grandma.

swimming away summers in my grandparents’ pool.

climbing the bandstand in the park.

riding my bike to the library, newly obsessed with reading.

playing spies in the basement of my grandparents’ house with nichole, using a clip-board and a disconnected telephone.

enacting weirdly specific and elaborate murder-mystery scenarios with barbies, again with nichole.

the pink sioux quartzite buildings, the main street single-film theater.

walking down to the park or the river, standing on a cliff that is the last vestiges of a bridge that used to cross it.

my grandma driving through huge puddles in my grandpa’s truck, both of us laughing at the huge WOOOSH! of water cascading away.

there are uglier, sourer memories, too. which is why i have a hard time going back. but i make myself do it, anyway, for the sake of the good memories.

lol, i just wanted to also share these pictures of my cousin’s son aidan in his karategi or whatever, with his stupid little glasses sliding down his nose, so funny:

 

lol and i can never remember his brother’s name (in the second pic), i’ve barely ever seen him since he was a baby. a new generation, with new memories, some sweet, some not so much.

and i believe in gentle harmony, well how i loathe all this obscenity

went to tyler’s apartment the day before yesterday to clean it up. swept the kitchen, scrubbed the floor, vacuumed the whole place, cleaned the bathroom. took a few hours and wasn’t nearly as bad as i thought it would be.

yesterday was a nothing day. so is today. i did some laundry yesterday and worked on a painting i’ve been working on for years, and it is shit compared to what i want it to be, but hey, whatever. it is just layers and layers of acrylic and oil paint, and it is a mess. lol my brother asked me what it was years ago, and i replied sarcastically that it’s called joie de vivre.

when i started the painting, i was pretty isolated and alone and sad, pathetic. still kind of am, but i feel more comfortable with it, shrug.

fullsizerender.jpg

joie de vivre is painted on a wooden board i found in our barn. i loved that barn. i don’t have a picture of it anymore, so i found it on google maps street view. tech is amazing.

screen-shot-2017-07-26-at-1-18-02-pm.png

just your standard old iowa barn. not even painted the classic red. i used to sit up in the window by the tree and watch traffic go by, waiting for my mom to get home.

i don’t miss living in the countryside. like i said, i was really isolated and alone. i remember sitting at night, at the computer, playing solitaire or freecell or freaking minesweeper. lol. then trawling the internet in search of someone, anyone to talk to. then getting bored with talking and abruptly abandoning conversations. playing runescape, circa 2007. getting tired of the grind and using bots. oh, when the world was both more simple and terrible, or probs the same. you can still find runescape servers that kept the 2007-feel. so, shitty graphics and harassing neckbeards. good tiems. i enjoy seeing the historical memes though. toeing the line with relatable and offensively casual.

this post was all over the place, not cohesive at all. really the only overlying theme is sad, bitter nostalgia. like, i miss the good old days, but actually now that i think about it they kind of sucked. so i’m glad that time moves forward, even tho it is hard to keep up.