i need something bigger than the sky. hold it in my arms and know it’s mine

it’s 7:30am. i’ve been awake since 2:50 because i’m stupid and i thought to myself that it was close enough to daylight to get up. soo like the diva i aspire to be, i put on makeup and did my hair, twiddled my thumbs for a couple of hours, and around 4:45 fed and walked lucy. she has been doing good. still won’t go upstairs, though we haven’t really tried because we don’t want to stress her out. we definitely know it’s her sight tho, so that’s not too bad. she gets around fine, no mobility issues otherwise. plus she’s been eating well, her weight is steady. i’m rationalizing tho. she’s pretty old and will die eventually. i really hope it isn’t this year though. selfish of me, but i wouldn’t be able to handle her death and moving and everything together. i don’t ever want to have to handle her death though ūüė¶

we have her bed in the living room now instead of in my room, and have still been taking turns sleeping on the couch every night. lol the cats lay on her bed all the time. as soon as she gets up from it, ari pops up out of nowhere and goes and lays on it. annoyingly for lucy, ari also likes to lay behind the chair in the exact place lucy likes to lay. i think he’s just obsessed with her. as everyone should be.

i wish i knew what lucy was like as a puppy. we’ve had her since she was three.

i don’t have much planned for today. i’m going to clean and pack more. my mom is home so we will probably end up shopping.

lol my bro adam texted me for once, sending good vibes my way. don’t know what the hell is the matter with him. he might be dying.

man, i scrolled through my twitter feed earlier. it is mostly composed of journalists and satirists and the kind of people who swarm around wars and try to make sense of them. i love it. it is stupid chaos, which is fun, but can be overwhelming after a short time.

ooh and i bought a book called “And Then God Created The Middle East and Said ‘Let There Be Breaking News'” by karl sharro.

it’s pretty damn funny. i’ve been trying to find more reasons to laugh at the world. it can be difficult.

i built your walls around me

well i was accepted to iowa state. lol i figured i would be. they would probably accept a corpse if it was able to get student loans. i guess i’m happy. i had to decide to be though.

we are going to board lucy at the vet we usually go to instead of the resort thing. we know them and know for sure we can trust them.

tomorrow at 7am we’re flying to NYC. i like planes. well, they’re not the most glamorous things. ugh and anywhere sucks if you spend more than a few hours just sitting there. i think we have a connecting flight through either minneapolis or chicago. lol i should probably figure that out. i didn’t get the tickets, this wasn’t my idea.

we’re going to a baseball game of course. yankees against the giants perhaps? i should probably figure that out too. my first live baseball game, ever. i prefer teeball. i find the frequency in which the children miss the ball sitting stationary in front of them hilarious. i think baseball would be hilarious if the players were much less athletically gifted. more relatable.

i’m not as psyched as i should be about this trip. i’ve been there before, and it was neat, but i’m just not in an excitable mood. it’ll probably hit me when we get there, hopefully like a train. i want something exciting. lately, i’ve just been feeling really off-kilter. i think it’s just anxiety. something feels wrong and i’ve been especially agitated.

i’m proud though, that i’m actually slowly reading a book. i wanna gain back that part of myself. the sarah who had to have her books taken away from her at night so she wouldn’t stay up and read. the sarah who used to read three books at once. the cool sarah, haha. sarah, the insufferable nerd. yeah. imma stop talking about myself in the third person now.

i am pushing off vacuuming the house again. i just vacuumed last week. i don’t want to. but i said i would, so here we go.

 

 

i have waited with a glacier’s patience

my days are a mindless routine. i wake up waay to early, check for messages. fall back asleep. wake up waay too late. check for messages. go downstairs. take my meds. walk lucy. i fill the rest of the time with empty, boring chores and try to read and write and be some sort of productive. i watch snippets of episodes online, getting bored or impatient partway through. i walk lucy multiple times. i do laundry. i clean. i vacuum. i try to fill the hours. is this it? i try to finish up everything before 4, when i feed lucy. then i wait for the parents to get home. if there is a baseball game on i hang around a while to make fun of the players, look at their stats online, make brent guess how tall each of them is, what city they were born in. then i make fun of them more. i’m a simple soul, i like to make fun of people.

i go upstairs after bringing lucy outside one last time for the night. she is having a hard time getting up the stairs lately (the vet thinks this is because of her bad sight) and we are having to mix her food with special freeze-dried mixer stuff because she won’t finish her food otherwise. i coax her up the stairs, feeling low the whole while, at how cruel time is. she settles down in her bed eventually. i send off some messages. i eventually dwindle off to sleep.

my days are being eaten up by nothingness. i’m bored, existentially. i’m trying to be dramatic here. it’s not that bad. i’m just in a rut. i need to find something to complete me, asap. ok that’s dramatic as well.

i am having a bit of a hard time dealing with lucy getting older. she is almost 16. she may already be 16 and i may be in denial. for a lab, this is an especially impressive age. she is doing well for that age too. the worst thing is her blood sugar and her sight. she has a really hard time getting up into the car so it breaks my heart a little bit every time we bring her to the vet.

we’re going off to new york in a couple of weeks. i will worry about her while we are there. we’re having her board at a dog daycare place. it’s really nice and everything, but they don’t know her. i worry about them feeding her too much or not enough or not walking her, or her being lonely or scared. everything is painful about her in my mind right now. bittersweet.

bittersweet is a great word. it can be used to describe so much in life.

alien observer in a world that isn’t mine

it’s almost 6pm. i am done with finals.

i don’t even care if i get a d as a grade in those two classes. as long as i pass. maybe they’ll have mercy on me. i’m¬†thinking now i’m¬†getting a c in one of the classes. ugh. that i’m¬†okay with that just shows how far i’ve sunk. i¬†don’t even wanna think about what this will do to my gpa. it wasn’t that great to begin with.

my environmental science teacher let me take my test i missed on tuesday, after i took the final. she is nice. i would even think she was nice if i didn’t get to retake it. she is fond of animals, has a big heart. i can tell she cares about things more than she has to.

i got a weather alert on my phone, tornado warning. that basically means either there is currently a tornado in the area, or one is imminent. and the alarms are going off. lol it’s funny to me¬†how nonchalant people act when there’s a tornado. me included. i always joke that it can’t¬†reach us, as ‘the buildings around us will slow it down too much’.

took this pic of the dandelions earlier. dandelion comes from french, dent de lion, which means lion’s tooth. i used to love learning the meaning of flower names. i like french too, it’s pretty and not too hard to remember. i always liked dandelions as well..nobody likes em. people try to kill them because they thrive. they’re great, and people try to bring ’em down because of that. so, i can’t relate but i’d like to one day.

a0ebd1ad-f750-43b1-abae-3dbcde7a0e47

this was at my last final, afterward. i’m¬†still not very confident i passed the class, but i’m¬†glad i at least attempted, though i don’t think i¬†did that well on the final. i’m¬†still a little bitter that my teacher never emailed me back, and didn’t even bother talking to me in class. this is his last semester teaching, and he acts he doesn’t really care about it.

my mom bought some white, red, and yellow poppies today. they are a favorite of mine, especially the classic red. we used to have some growing along our house when we lived in a little town called emmetsburg. it’s named after robert¬†emmet, who was an irish¬†patriot who was hung, drawn and quartered for treason against the english. history: so beautiful.

in emmetsburg we lived next to a lake. i remember losing a pair of shoes to the mud at the bottom. looking for shells with my brother near the dock in early spring, the water freezing, but us having fun. searching for as many violets as i could pick. our old cat fritz bathing in sunlight in the living room. lol, he was a ginger cat. i liked to think he was named after the astronomer fritz zwicky, though i don’t think he was. that guy was pretty neat. he would call people spherical bastards, because they were bastards any way you looked at them. so funny. so¬†angry.

now i’m upstairs, because lucy is restless.

i took a picture of her the other night. added the hearts ’cause she’s so special to me. she needs a bath and her claws trimmed. tomorrow i’m probs gonna do the bath thing if it’s nice out.

50afdb95-215a-4d53-a3ac-cc0cc441e5db

it’s funny, our cat¬†ari¬†is declawed in the front, which i don’t agree with, but he is. he’s the only cat we have that is declawed. yet he’s the only cat that uses our scratching post. the other cats scratch up the furniture like the heathens/gods that they are. love ’em.

i’m¬†pretty¬†much in shock over everything. ok, that’s dramatic. but that’s what it feels like. i feel numb. like i’m¬†done with feeling everything. i’m¬†done with experiencing life in this flesh prison. also, i keep making stupid jokes that only i laugh at. so i guess all is pretty much the same as it always was.

tomorrow i have an appointment with my therapist. i don’t know if she’s a great shrink. i’ve been thinking about it. i have her phone number, she lets me text her because she trusts me enough not to abuse that privilege. i know a bit about her life. i’ve met her dog. i freaking love her dog. her dog’s name is lucy, so i gotta. plus she’s a dog, so yeah it’s pretty standard for her to be great. where was i? oh yeah, my shrink. i wouldn’t try and find a new one. i wouldn’t wanna hurt her feelings. plus i kind of like that sometimes she feels a lot like a friend. i don’t have friends. i’m bad at having friends. it makes sense that i’d have to pay to have a friend. lmao, a platonic prostitute. a friendly fille de joie. a call-girl confidante.

k again, i’m done again for the day.

also, this is like the millionth time¬†i’ve¬†typed something out, then deleted it. today’s the day i guess. i did great.

 

i’ve seen america with no clothes on

I DON’T NEED FRIENDS.

I DoN’t NeEd FrIeNds.

i tell this to myself over and over, like a mantra. also, the word “love” keeps popping up in my head, and then i quickly retort¬†you don’t love anybody.” it’s like i’m at war with myself and my emotions.

lol i tried to explain the origins of¬†thanksgiving to admira¬†the other day. she’s bosnian, plus lived in germany for a while after the war/genocide. i couldn’t really make any logical sense of the thanksgiving history myself, ha. so i just gave the usual “we celebrated with the native americans, and it became a tradition to give thanks for good harvest” crap. ha,¬†i didn’t mention the whole racial underbelly of the matter. thought it might be kind of rude to bring up genocide to someone who knows people who died in a genocide. why does everything in history have some ugly side to it? can’t anything be wholesome and pure through and through? like me?

thanksgiving¬†was spent in story city, at brent’s parent’s house. it was boring, i didn’t like the food (i’m so picky, i don’t even like turkey), but it went alright. i like¬†brent’s family well enough, in small doses. it was¬†just his parents, his sister, and¬†one of his brothers. plus my¬†little bro adam was there. he just left a while ago.

gah, one of brent’s nieces wants to go to south-east asia to spread christianity under the guise of teaching english. talk about a double whammy of neo-colonialism. lmao.

when she was in vietnam, her boyfriend flew out to propose to her. she said yes, naturally. she is younger than me. i bet there was a lot of pressure to say yes. like, how do you say no to someone who flew around 8,000 miles to see you? you don’t.

we brought lucy to the vet last week, and she is doing good! the vet said her¬†hips¬†looked¬†good, her¬†flexibility was good, and her teeth looked nice. yet she¬†has cataracts, as¬†she is 15 and diabetic. sooo¬†she is doing as¬†well (or better) than¬†we¬†could have thought. we¬†brought her to the vet because¬†for a few days she was having a¬†hard time¬†going¬†up the stairs, acting¬†confused about them. the vet thinks it¬†might¬†just be her sight; either¬†that or she strained¬†a muscle or something, and¬†so the¬†vet put her on a painkiller for a¬†week. she is going up the¬†stairs fine now, so¬†we’re not as worried.

my mom is in minnesota, at my aunt’s house, making¬†xmas¬†wreaths. it’s a grand affair, taking place in the garage. only the women seem to ever participate these days. the guys are too cool or something. i’m almost¬†too cool.¬†this is the one i made a few¬†years ago:

IMG_0586

lol it looks more springy than christmasy. it’s not¬†too¬†special. i¬†usually¬†make one, get sick of it, and¬†go inside to¬†listen to people talk to each other, and¬†forage through the food.

mom is coming home later today hopefully.

i worked this morning at¬†6. i¬†woke up at¬†4:30, and¬†fed¬†lucy, then¬†got ready to go. i¬†was in the¬†CO, countin’ moneys. it’s a¬†blast. actually, i like it. it used to stress me out, because i wasn’t quite sure what i was doing, and kept writing down numbers wrong. i had to go strictly by the notes, step-by-step. now i can do it all by memory. it feels rather good, being good at something for¬†once. man, the deposit for¬†black friday, along with the checks, was around 11,000 dollars. there was 4,500 in just 100$ bills.

oh, and¬†i got 95% on my policy paper. i’ll¬†take it.

lol, and on monday i have another paper due, in the same class. this one is supposed to be a party platform type essay, in which we describe our perfect political party. i’m going to make mine a half-joke, satire thing, i think. it’ll be fun. my usual theocratic dictatorship rubbish that i laugh about. she said it was okay if it was ironic, as long as it followed the rubric. imma start writing it today. exciting!

i can’t remember if i said this, but i was going to enter a creative writing contest, but decided not to, as if i won, i would have to read my piece aloud at some conference thing. ugh, no thanks. makes me kind of regretful already though. i just wrote something really personal, and don’t want to share it personally, out loud. deep down, i’m a shy, scared little introvert who doesn’t like to share with anyone i know or supposedly love.

 

what would they do different, would it be little shifts, or would it be some hidden dream from the bitter deep that no one even knows exists

my mom’s birthday gift from brent arrived. it’s awesome. i took the picture it’s based off of and bought a frame for it. it’s lucy!

IMG_5208

i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again, lucy is a hero and deserves some sort of medal.

halloween was last week. the day before in des moines is when the trick or treaters go about their business. we got one, a new record for like a decade. my costume was “functional human adult.” it wasn’t very well executed, people kept asking me what i was supposed to be.

i’m in a committed relationship now, with a person named hypocrisy. 10/10, going hot and heavy¬†ūüĒ•

oh, the realness of it.

all the noise, all the voices never stop

dismantling the status quo. french, british mandate. american mandate. 

what is good? does one make sure to do everything one can to ensure that good prevails, even if that means compromising with one’s own conscience? or do we just sit and hope?

got bootsie the other day to babysit. he is adorable. the other cats are being mean to him. he’s so easygoing though, he just lets them follow him around as they hiss at him.

FullSizeRender

i worked the weekend. it was okay. i don’t really know what to say about anything, but i’ll keep typing anyway.

went to see amy on friday. she’s my psychiatrist. i don’t remember what meds she put me on and took me off of. couldn’t remember five minutes after the appointment. i should have taken notes. i feel like a guinea pig. i don’t work tomorrow or tuesday.

lol, rereading this garbage, and i sound really stupid, monotonous and downtrodden. which i am.

i thought i could trust lucy, our dog, to be good when my stepdad dropped me off at work this morning. we left her downstairs, to her own devices instead of shutting her in my room. and she dug through the kitchen trash, scattering peach pits and other gross refuse all over the place.. lol all brent had to do was say her name when he got home and lucy went trotting up the stairs. she knew she was in trouble, and she stayed upstairs until i got home, parked safely in my room. all i had to do at work was the cash office crap, so i was only gone until around 1.

its almost 7, so i’m going to wind down for a few hours before i go to sleep. there’s a lot of dumb details of life on my mind, so i’m going to drug myself up. self-medication time.

ooh, for my mom’s bday brent found a woman on etsy who draws pet portraits, and so i took a picture of lucy, and we are going to have it drawn and framed. pretty sweet idea on his part, and sweet picture of luce on mine. she’s a good pupper. may she never leave us.

unnamed