i wonder where my limit lies

we brought lucy to the vet, and her bloodwork was good. she is back to eating normally. she still has problems with stairs, but that is okay.

she is going to board at a pet resort thing while we’re in new york. we’re leaving friday. they monitor the pets 24/7 and give whatever meds the animal needs. they have beds and toys and the dogs get three walks a day if wanted. we don’t even care about the price. it’s paying for peace of mind. even with the resort, it will be scary leaving her behind.

i applied at iowa state. it’s a big school. i’m kind of bummed about it. i don’t want to go there, at all. i suppose i could start with online classes. i don’t really enjoy online classes, not enough interaction with other students and the professor, but i might give it a shot.

my mood has been kind of bad the last few days. i start out the day all hyper and bubbly, and then something in me snaps, and the rest of the day i’m really irritable and high-strung. the littlest things put me on edge. i find myself clenching my jaw a lot.

i ranted to nafees about everything and then apologized. he is too nice though, and said he appreciated me sharing my thoughts. hahaha, i don’t deserve his niceness. i gotta get over that insecurity though.

i really want to meet him. i would even go to pakistan. i was talking to one of my managers this morning, and i asked him where he was from originally, out of curiosity. he is from iran. elaheh, one of my favorite coworkers, is also from iran, i think shiraz maybe?? anyway, obv pakistan shares a border with iran, and though the area i’d plan on going isn’t near the border, i mentioned to my manager that i had an idea to go. he was excited at the idea, and said i should swing through iran too, haha, and that i would enjoy it. i seriously would love that, though i’d be a little nervous as i would probs be by myself or god forbid with my mom.

i shot the pakistan idea past my mom, and she, of course, insisted that she would go with me. i had the urge to scowl. i just want to do something by myself for once. something all my idea, all mine. i don’t need her tagging along my whole life. i know pakistan is different than new york, but she trusted tyler to go there on a whim, with no place to even live for the first few weeks, and so she should trust me. ugh though i gotta admit, it’s not just about trusting me. it’s about trusting the world. it’s a dangerous place. but i figure that’s just part of the package. gotta take the good with the bad, or you get neither. you get nothing out of life.

the biggest fear i have about the journey is rejection. i don’t want nafees to meet me and be like, jk, i don’t think you’re that great. i don’t want to regret going.

if i did go, it would be next year, though i wish i didn’t have to wait that long.

brent may get a job soon, and i want the dust to settle from that before i make any big leaps.

adam is officially living in minneapolis. the couple of times he visited here before he left, i didn’t see him. so i might not see him for a while. oh well, there’s always the phone i suppose. lol as if i’m going to use a phone 😂

yeah, travel halfway around the world to see someone i’ve never met. but use a phone? that’s too much of a commitment.

i have waited with a glacier’s patience

my days are a mindless routine. i wake up waay to early, check for messages. fall back asleep. wake up waay too late. check for messages. go downstairs. take my meds. walk lucy. i fill the rest of the time with empty, boring chores and try to read and write and be some sort of productive. i watch snippets of episodes online, getting bored or impatient partway through. i walk lucy multiple times. i do laundry. i clean. i vacuum. i try to fill the hours. is this it? i try to finish up everything before 4, when i feed lucy. then i wait for the parents to get home. if there is a baseball game on i hang around a while to make fun of the players, look at their stats online, make brent guess how tall each of them is, what city they were born in. then i make fun of them more. i’m a simple soul, i like to make fun of people.

i go upstairs after bringing lucy outside one last time for the night. she is having a hard time getting up the stairs lately (the vet thinks this is because of her bad sight) and we are having to mix her food with special freeze-dried mixer stuff because she won’t finish her food otherwise. i coax her up the stairs, feeling low the whole while, at how cruel time is. she settles down in her bed eventually. i send off some messages. i eventually dwindle off to sleep.

my days are being eaten up by nothingness. i’m bored, existentially. i’m trying to be dramatic here. it’s not that bad. i’m just in a rut. i need to find something to complete me, asap. ok that’s dramatic as well.

i am having a bit of a hard time dealing with lucy getting older. she is almost 16. she may already be 16 and i may be in denial. for a lab, this is an especially impressive age. she is doing well for that age too. the worst thing is her blood sugar and her sight. she has a really hard time getting up into the car so it breaks my heart a little bit every time we bring her to the vet.

we’re going off to new york in a couple of weeks. i will worry about her while we are there. we’re having her board at a dog daycare place. it’s really nice and everything, but they don’t know her. i worry about them feeding her too much or not enough or not walking her, or her being lonely or scared. everything is painful about her in my mind right now. bittersweet.

bittersweet is a great word. it can be used to describe so much in life.

now i gotta wait around and watch you burn so bright

i wasn’t accepted at the school i really wanted to attend. i’m not going to let this ruin my day or week though. they jerked me around forever deciding whether to accept me with my shaky past, and i felt like shit for it. i feel like i’m in limbo again, but i’m not going to cry over this. there are other schools. i’ll be okay.

my mom said it might be for the best as we’re sort of in limbo about moving, too. it all depends if my stepdad lands a job. so if i started school and then they moved, that would suck. he has interviews lined up in minneapolis and washington d.c.

out of the two i would like to live in minneapolis more, because my little bro is about to move up there. plus it’s just a nice city. but d.c. is like 4 hours from nyc, and that’s where my other brother lives. so either one would be cool.

the only annoyance i really have pertains to my dad, as he will be upset if he hears i’m moving. i haven’t spoken to him in a while. not on purpose. it’s not like he’s called me either. i am just really distracted from everything. i feel like i’m being pulled in a few different directions at once. i don’t know what the future holds at this point.

my mood’s been kind of all over the place lately, with everything. it’s up, then it’s down, then it’s up again. tiny things, little words change my entire perspective.

 

i dreamt we spoke again

the world seems crazy bright lately. it’s almost blinding. kind of annoying, like a super sunny day, light in my eyes.

i’m still waiting on my first choice college to decide my fate. i emailed the admissions advisor and he said it should be some time this coming week now. he totally said that a couple of weeks ago. i’m hopeful tho.

i know my college career was rocky at first, and i didn’t have the best grades or gpa, but for once i feel motivated to try again. hit restart and just forget that person i was.

the advisor asked me about when i started school, and what the reason was for my shitty grades. well, he phrased it more tactfully. so i issued a personal statement for the admissions committee explaining my past and how i am presently in a much better place, and have a support system and medication/treatment plan in place, and am much more compliant, accepting with my diagnosis, and willing to seek help.

ugh and then, of course, i second guess myself. am i in a better place? i want to be so bad right now. i want to begin again. i want to be better. if not for myself, then for other people in my life. that’s probably the worst thing about it though: i still don’t really value myself enough to do things for the sake of my wellbeing. i still go through the motions for the people around me. i need to work on that whole self-regard thing. i will get there though. i have people rooting for me. i will decide to do the same. i deserve it.

i haven’t been working much, and it’s been driving me a bit stir-crazy, but if that’s the worst thing i have going for me, i’m good. plus i think it is a good sign it has been weighing on me, as i have more energy and more motivation. i just want to do something, get moving forward. so yeah, things are looking up.

 

 

you ran away from your uselessness like you had something to prove

i can’t decide if i’m a cynic or not. this is just one of the important choices i make every day. well, and is it really just one choice? or is it like a bunch of choices that add up to one thing eventually? can anyone even add that stuff up objectively? methinks not. so since nobody can really judge me accurately, i’m gonna just call myself an optimist. that’ll show ’em.

i saw a meme that was actually not a meme but just a twitter screenshot passed off as a meme; it said that all kids who read at a 12th grade level in 4th grade are now severely depressed and totally illiterate. i don’t know if this counts as bragging or dragging my self down, but that person has me all figured out.

lol i had a crush on a dumbass in 4th or 5th grade, and i told my friend, and she immediately ran and told him. i lost a crush and a friend that day, so sad. ’cause i, of course, had to explain to his face that i used to have a crush on him. so from then on i just tried not to care for him at all. and the moral of the story is trust no one and keep your feelings to yourself until it is too late to act on them. i’m good at finding morals. also, love is garbage and anyone who tells you otherwise is trying to lead you astray from the light and joy that faux apathy brings. by really, i joke. i mean, if love is garbage and we all deserve garbage, we deserve love. my philosophical depth is awe-inspiring.

elementary school is a haze of bad memories kinda. like there are a few nice bright moments where i felt good about the world and my place in it. but i was pretty damaged as a kid and so it colors every memory in a sadder light if i let it.

they say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, and if that is true, i’m dead.

a little dot in the middle of the nation. the heartland. the midwest. the flyover states.

parts of south dakota are beautiful. the black hills, the badlands. mount rushmore was disappointing even as a child seeing it. i would honestly rather see the crazy horse memorial. it’s supposed to be like ten times larger.

i used to say i wanted to have a house built in the badlands. obviously, it’s state parkland so that is actually illegal. that is the kind of illicit activity that i wanna engage in.

deadwood reminds me of dell rapids. i once told my grandma i would retire there, hahaha. i’ve since changed my mind, but it would be nice to see the place again.

over the weekend my mother and i went to the hindu temple in madrid, iowa. i was nervous. i brought a bouquet of coral-colored roses as a gift, which i thought would be nice for one of the shrines.

i’m going to send a thank you card to one of the priests there, he was very helpful. i didn’t ask many questions, but he answered so well and fully that i didn’t really need to. then this morning i did my presentation, and that went well.

next week i have finals, and i’m dreading it. i keep looking for a way out, but i think the only way out is through.

my one teacher hasn’t emailed me back. freaking typical. on thursday i might go to my advisor. or not. i just talked myself out of it. she won’t be any help. there is no help. all the things that are supposed to be helpful just end up making things worse. booooo everything is terrible. i keep waiting for everything to catch up to me. i’m honestly terrified.

i’m up later than usual. i don’t wanna lay down and sleep. once i’m asleep i’m fine. but before i fall asleep and when i wake up are the worst. every little thing comes to haunt me before i sleep. when i wake up, a new day is beginning. and i waste it. no matter what i do it’s a waste. i know i’m just being negative. that it’s all distorted by my current state. but i can’t see the future and if i did i bet i would be a bit disappointed but not really surprised.

i wonder how the people i care about are doing but don’t reach out to them, because they don’t care about me, i think. if they did, why don’t they reach out to me? lol. it’s like i always have this hope that someone will reach out, because i know i never will. i always have this hope an extrovert will save me. silly. hope is another garbage concept that brings all the pain that we deserve. add it to the list. if i was simply indifferent and accepting of my situation, i would not feel as bad. can’t feel bad about not having that which doesn’t exist. lol, if we all just eliminate love and hope from our lives we’ll be much happier for it. haha i’m so bright. like a gigantic ball of fire soaring through space, i bring the sunshine.

yeah i’m going to just drop and be done with this thinking thing. consciousness is wasted on me.

i’ve never seen the desert before, to be so close to nothing

this one’s a doozy.

it just hit me like a truck while i was trying to fall asleep the other night: i wish i had killed my self years ago. i’ve wasted so much time on earth. i used to think i could be a different person if i was just in a different place. but i’ve lived long enough, and i’ve travelled far enough that i know i will never be able to change.

lol i will never be able to put my family through my suicide tho.

yet i can’t stop thinking about it when each day ends. i’m just tired, i tell myself each night at 1am. do you ever get so tired that suicide seems like the only option. lol i can sleep when i’m dead.

i will probably not kill myself. so who the fuck cares how much pain i am in, right?

sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt, and all that shit, right?

i broke down in the doctor’s office crying when the doc asked if i was okay, after i filled out the stupid depression questionnaire.

i just feel trapped, i told her.

and i do. i feel like a pathetic little animal. like i would rather chew off my own leg than live here. lol.

i love how everyone is okay with how much my life feels like hell, as long as i don’t kill myself and make them feel bad. it isn’t about me, it’s all about them. like people are always saying there are worse things than death, but they don’t believe it. people will say anything to me, all the lies, as long as i don’t make that final step off the edge.

as an abrupt change of subject, we ate indian food after the doctor. it was good and spicy. lol my mom is so oblivious to everything, good for her. she thinks today was a good day.

i would do anything to let everyone remain oblivious in my life. but my resolve is crumbling. i don’t know how much i can keep this shit up. i need to speak to two of my profs and ask them for some sort of leniency for my shit attendance and school-work ethic. the other one is the religion one and since i’m getting more than 100% in that class currently, i’m not too worried.

okay for now i’m done venting to myself. what a great way to end the day: whining.

the walls say only they’ll keep me warm

wrote a paper on hinduism. not my best writing, but it’s done and handed in. i say that every time, not my best writing. i feel like i’ll know when i’ve hit peak.

we had gender jeopardy in class today, men against women, and we tied. no one missed any questions. i’m cool with that. it’s nice.

i didn’t sleep well last night. i was up late writing that stupid paper and couldn’t sleep after that. i dreamt about hindu gods and me, crying in a corner. ’twas weird.

i don’t know what to do. i say that a lot. i feel that a lot.

i called my psychiatrist’s office and hung up without making an appointment. there was an opening for may 18, but i don’t know if i can make it til then, so i just said i needed to think it over. i want to give up and give in so bad but i have too many people whose happiness hinges on my continued existence.

i think that’s why i resent love and hope and all the “good” things. i’m a quitter at heart, and things like them won’t let me quit. plus i just don’t think i deserve anything good deep down.

the hindus would probs believe the reason this life of mine is so miserable no matter what actually happens is that i was a terrible creature in a past life. it’s karma. written in fate. i just deserve this. but i’m not actually hindu soo i guess i cannot accurately describe what they believe with any sort of certainty.

have you ever felt like your entire world is tumbling down around you and you’re losing control of everything, the tenuous grip on sanity you had is slipping, but to everyone else you seem fine as all you do to show your despair is to laugh at your own morbid jokes?

it’s like, if they really loved me, they’d see through all the lies i tell them about how great i am doing.

i’m so sad though. talk about self absorbed: every time i think about suicide i make myself think about the ideal effect my death would have, people would be mourning and shit. so i get all sad thinking about it and i know i can’t do it then, but i get sadder and sadder thinking about my death. and it’s like why bother living when all you do is lay around in your spare time thinking about your own death and bawling. well not like literally all you do but almost, i swear.

 

some notes i have. some lively reflections:

we’re actually all just ants on this giant dirt clod. consoling ourselves with our designated tasks until death comes along, and we curl up and die. lol, does that mean all of the deities are actually sociopathic children with magnifying glasses?

yeah, no.

the words tumbled in my mind: a fluid effervescence a bubbling babbling presence. insanity take away my depression, i don’t see me in the reflection.

see, when the apocalypse takes most of humanity in its maw, we will have to revert back to relying mostly on oral tradition. i am mentally compiling memes so that we doomed few to survive the freakish hellhole that the planet shall become, we precious few shall have history…👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻