i’ve never seen the desert before, to be so close to nothing

this one’s a doozy.

it just hit me like a truck while i was trying to fall asleep the other night: i wish i had killed my self years ago. i’ve wasted so much time on earth. i used to think i could be a different person if i was just in a different place. but i’ve lived long enough, and i’ve travelled far enough that i know i will never be able to change.

lol i will never be able to put my family through my suicide tho.

yet i can’t stop thinking about it when each day ends. i’m just tired, i tell myself each night at 1am. do you ever get so tired that suicide seems like the only option. lol i can sleep when i’m dead.

i will probably not kill myself. so who the fuck cares how much pain i am in, right?

sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt, and all that shit, right?

i broke down in the doctor’s office crying when the doc asked if i was okay, after i filled out the stupid depression questionnaire.

i just feel trapped, i told her.

and i do. i feel like a pathetic little animal. like i would rather chew off my own leg than live here. lol.

i love how everyone is okay with how much my life feels like hell, as long as i don’t kill myself and make them feel bad. it isn’t about me, it’s all about them. like people are always saying there are worse things than death, but they don’t believe it. people will say anything to me, all the lies, as long as i don’t make that final step off the edge.

as an abrupt change of subject, we ate indian food after the doctor. it was good and spicy. lol my mom is so oblivious to everything, good for her. she thinks today was a good day.

i would do anything to let everyone remain oblivious in my life. but my resolve is crumbling. i don’t know how much i can keep this shit up. i need to speak to two of my profs and ask them for some sort of leniency for my shit attendance and school-work ethic. the other one is the religion one and since i’m getting more than 100% in that class currently, i’m not too worried.

okay for now i’m done venting to myself. what a great way to end the day: whining.

and if love is a drug, i don’t want it, because i don’t have any self control

it’s midnight and i’m in the basement because it’s thundering a tiny bit and lucy is afraid.

i had the usual dream that has become rather unusual as my mind tries to buck away from its habitual obsessions to focus on new ones. the old ones, the old dreams are rare now, and made more precious because of it. also more poisonous.

i’m walking through a party, because i know you’re there. but you’ve left. i look everywhere, and you’re gone. you just left the room. you just turned the corner. it’s like a maze of other people smiling and laughing, and me, alone, looking for you. this time i don’t wind up outside in the snow and stars, the dream doesn’t reach this sad crescendo. it just ends with me realizing you’re not there, not anywhere near me.

the dream is a bit on the nose, lol. real life occasionally mirrors it. i find myself at get-togethers, too afraid to be obvious, to ask if you’re there. so i just wander, looking for you..and of course you’re never there. you’re somewhere else, living a different life. i guess i have to accept that.

the last time i saw you i was a different person with a different agenda, a different heart, a different mind. i didn’t know much about anything outside myself. i don’t even know who you are anymore, and i don’t know who, or how, to ask. i don’t even know why i held on to you in my mind, why i ever found comfort in thoughts of star-crossed love, brought to fruition. that path is gone. it’s dead, with all the others. i guess my mind just hasn’t caught up to reality, which is definitely a theme brought up in my life over and over.

sometimes i feel as though i don’t belong in reality anyway. i’ve spent some time apart and i don’t think it lives up to the hype. oh well. as everyone in my life keeps saying, it is what it is. and there is something so final and concrete about that, that i wanna fight it, because honestly that’s my place, i think, fighting things, ideas, concepts, truths. i sometimes just want to ignore the truth so i don’t have to fight it or accept it fully, but that never works for long. something always reminds me of you and i’m back on the stupid, gaudy, rococo train of thought that i’m pretty sure is love, and though everyone’s always spouting on about it, it is the saddest, most futile thing i’ve ever witnessed myself engaging in. so, as some wise, eloquent, probably long dead person said, that sucks.

and unfortunately i’ve found myself agreeing with the naysayers.

i’m here, and you’re merely a gesture in some vague direction to me. that’s how far apart we are, in body and mind. so yeah, sarah, give up, give in. this idea you hold is dead and you’re just sadly, obstinately oblivious to it half the time. and the other half you’re in mourning for it. just let go.

it is what it is.

yeah, i don’t know..

i guess i’m back being a depressed piece of shit who makes grand declarations to be better one day and overdoses on clonazepam to sleep and blacks out, the next.

i really don’t know.

last night i really thought it was going to be it. i’m like, i wanna be dead or hospitalized by the time this night is through. and here i sit, neither. thought about even texting my therapist, but i doubted it would make anything better so i didn’t.

i don’t know how to describe the feelings i feel. have you ever overdosed on medications, fell asleep, and woke up, not sure if you are disappointed or relieved? yeah, me neither, lol.

i just feel ugly and twisted, on the inside. every way to every positive or even just rational thought is just a labyrinth that can’t be overcome, that i just don’t have the energy to traverse sometimes.

you know, it’s funny, the thing that set me off was so dumb. this girl i’ve known for years deleted me off facebook. i don’t know when and i don’t know why, but hey, its okay, my mind does. it’s because she hates me. no, that’s not believable, i’m not dynamic enough to hate. it’s just that she realized, as she saw my name pop up on her little facebook friends thing, that she just didn’t give a shit about me. that i’m just not worth being connected to in any way. and then i thought this thought, about all of the people on facebook. they all think i’m just a big piece of not-worth-mentioning.

and then of course my mind just goes into overdrive of negativity. i think about all the people, all of the so-called friends i have online, irl, everywhere, and how they never even spend a minute of their day thinking about me.

that’s one of the main reasons i get sick of being friends with people. they never give a shit about me. i think it’s going great and i do every little stupid friendly thing i can think of. but it’s for nothing. i could slit my fucking wrists and bleed out in public, all melodramatic style, and years later i would just be a somewhat sad cautionary tale for them. something they aspire to never be. they wouldn’t remember me, they would remember that last hurrah of blood. idk…

i just really hurt for no real, apparent reason. i didn’t even really like said girl on facebook very much. i never got the impression she liked me that much, either.

it just hurts, because i bust my ass trying to seem normal and kind, nice and well-adjusted, and i’m pretty sure people just end up seeing right thru it, if only in a subconscious way. i just wanna be liked. i don’t care if i’m loved, i just want people to be mildly fond of me. i can’t even freaking manage mildly fond.

today at work i spent the whole time just fuming on the inside, crying on the inside, screaming, all on the inside. on the outside, i laughed at people’s jokes and tried to make myself useful. i thought i could salvage what was left of my emotional sanity if work just went well enough. it didn’t go well enough. i’m home now, and i’m honestly thinking about how fucking shit everything is. in my little world, in the whole world, shit, shit, shit. we can go on twitter and joke about it all we want, we can have polite discussions about it all we want, but it doesn’t change the truth.

but hey, again, i don’t know.

 

as a friend, as an old enemy

i love and i hate with a shallow sort of focus, like a dog worrying away at the ground. i can’t articulate my own emotions or thoughts on the matter, but i keep digging.

a puddle, shallow world within a shallow world. drowning in it, outta my depth.

lol i was thinking about getting a hamster and so did some research. apparently the longest most/all live is 3.5 years. so, like when you’re most in love with the fact you have a hamster, it dies.

we had a couple when i was younger, speed and joan jett. they had their own separate glass enclosures. it was disheartening, they spent their days sleeping and their nights trying to escape. so cute tho, i loved them. they lived about as long as they were supposed to, maybe a little longer..

this is the second-to-last week of classes. in one class we’re watching a movie, “all the way”, about lyndon b. johnson and the civil rights act of 1964. on the one hand, i admire his moxie, hustling the bill through, despite the dixiecrats and the general racist sentiment of the time…on the other hand, personally, he was kind of an ass.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯ i suppose it’s better to be generally okay and kind of abrasive than not at all okay and really really abrasive. my eloquent stand against trump.

i’m tired of people. per usual. like, i’m over the idea of having friends for the moment. we’ll try again next semester. people are just too complicated. im gonna get myself a hamster, call it a good 3.5 years.

i’ve seen america with no clothes on

I DON’T NEED FRIENDS.

I DoN’t NeEd FrIeNds.

i tell this to myself over and over, like a mantra. also, the word “love” keeps popping up in my head, and then i quickly retort you don’t love anybody.” it’s like i’m at war with myself and my emotions.

lol i tried to explain the origins of thanksgiving to admira the other day. she’s bosnian, plus lived in germany for a while after the war/genocide. i couldn’t really make any logical sense of the thanksgiving history myself, ha. so i just gave the usual “we celebrated with the native americans, and it became a tradition to give thanks for good harvest” crap. ha, i didn’t mention the whole racial underbelly of the matter. thought it might be kind of rude to bring up genocide to someone who knows people who died in a genocide. why does everything in history have some ugly side to it? can’t anything be wholesome and pure through and through? like me?

thanksgiving was spent in story city, at brent’s parent’s house. it was boring, i didn’t like the food (i’m so picky, i don’t even like turkey), but it went alright. i like brent’s family well enough, in small doses. it was just his parents, his sister, and one of his brothers. plus my little bro adam was there. he just left a while ago.

gah, one of brent’s nieces wants to go to south-east asia to spread christianity under the guise of teaching english. talk about a double whammy of neo-colonialism. lmao.

when she was in vietnam, her boyfriend flew out to propose to her. she said yes, naturally. she is younger than me. i bet there was a lot of pressure to say yes. like, how do you say no to someone who flew around 8,000 miles to see you? you don’t.

we brought lucy to the vet last week, and she is doing good! the vet said her hips looked good, her flexibility was good, and her teeth looked nice. yet she has cataracts, as she is 15 and diabetic. sooo she is doing as well (or better) than we could have thought. we brought her to the vet because for a few days she was having a hard time going up the stairs, acting confused about them. the vet thinks it might just be her sight; either that or she strained a muscle or something, and so the vet put her on a painkiller for a week. she is going up the stairs fine now, so we’re not as worried.

my mom is in minnesota, at my aunt’s house, making xmas wreaths. it’s a grand affair, taking place in the garage. only the women seem to ever participate these days. the guys are too cool or something. i’m almost too cool. this is the one i made a few years ago:

IMG_0586

lol it looks more springy than christmasy. it’s not too special. i usually make one, get sick of it, and go inside to listen to people talk to each other, and forage through the food.

mom is coming home later today hopefully.

i worked this morning at 6. i woke up at 4:30, and fed lucy, then got ready to go. i was in the CO, countin’ moneys. it’s a blast. actually, i like it. it used to stress me out, because i wasn’t quite sure what i was doing, and kept writing down numbers wrong. i had to go strictly by the notes, step-by-step. now i can do it all by memory. it feels rather good, being good at something for once. man, the deposit for black friday, along with the checks, was around 11,000 dollars. there was 4,500 in just 100$ bills.

oh, and i got 95% on my policy paper. i’ll take it.

lol, and on monday i have another paper due, in the same class. this one is supposed to be a party platform type essay, in which we describe our perfect political party. i’m going to make mine a half-joke, satire thing, i think. it’ll be fun. my usual theocratic dictatorship rubbish that i laugh about. she said it was okay if it was ironic, as long as it followed the rubric. imma start writing it today. exciting!

i can’t remember if i said this, but i was going to enter a creative writing contest, but decided not to, as if i won, i would have to read my piece aloud at some conference thing. ugh, no thanks. makes me kind of regretful already though. i just wrote something really personal, and don’t want to share it personally, out loud. deep down, i’m a shy, scared little introvert who doesn’t like to share with anyone i know or supposedly love.

 

on the inside, back to what I really am

i had a good conversation with my stepmom. she is proud of me, she says. that’s nice.

i heard that a lot today.

i’m so full of self-doubt and loathing though, for so many reasons. i just don’t feel sincerely good inside. i don’t know anything anymore, if i ever did.

liz’s parents are coming over for dinner. lasagna. i’m going to have to act upbeat for a while, which is always hard for me.

….

dinner went well, i was social af, i was cheerful and all that. my smiles felt false tho.

 

i miss nameless.

i get sadder and sadder thinking about it. i always hated the forever alone schtick, but i get it. i get it.