i’ve never seen the desert before, to be so close to nothing

this one’s a doozy.

it just hit me like a truck while i was trying to fall asleep the other night: i wish i had killed my self years ago. i’ve wasted so much time on earth. i used to think i could be a different person if i was just in a different place. but i’ve lived long enough, and i’ve travelled far enough that i know i will never be able to change.

lol i will never be able to put my family through my suicide tho.

yet i can’t stop thinking about it when each day ends. i’m just tired, i tell myself each night at 1am. do you ever get so tired that suicide seems like the only option. lol i can sleep when i’m dead.

i will probably not kill myself. so who the fuck cares how much pain i am in, right?

sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt, and all that shit, right?

i broke down in the doctor’s office crying when the doc asked if i was okay, after i filled out the stupid depression questionnaire.

i just feel trapped, i told her.

and i do. i feel like a pathetic little animal. like i would rather chew off my own leg than live here. lol.

i love how everyone is okay with how much my life feels like hell, as long as i don’t kill myself and make them feel bad. it isn’t about me, it’s all about them. like people are always saying there are worse things than death, but they don’t believe it. people will say anything to me, all the lies, as long as i don’t make that final step off the edge.

as an abrupt change of subject, we ate indian food after the doctor. it was good and spicy. lol my mom is so oblivious to everything, good for her. she thinks today was a good day.

i would do anything to let everyone remain oblivious in my life. but my resolve is crumbling. i don’t know how much i can keep this shit up. i need to speak to two of my profs and ask them for some sort of leniency for my shit attendance and school-work ethic. the other one is the religion one and since i’m getting more than 100% in that class currently, i’m not too worried.

okay for now i’m done venting to myself. what a great way to end the day: whining.

if love doesn’t kill me, i’ll be lonely as a king with everything

those fragile, gossamer threads that hold me here. my life is built on unsteady foundations.

an unhinged, stupid love. it’s like freaking stockholm syndrome, the facts don’t support it and yet it holds, because i rely on it for survival. for reals, if i really thought certain people didn’t love me, i’d probably expire out of pure careless joy. their love holds me here, because i guess i love them in return, because i don’t want to hurt them.

i’m living in circles, writing in circles.

elsie’s grandmother died. does everyone fake sadness for people, or is it just my quirk? i do care very much for elsie, but i don’t know. i feel bad that she feels bad, but not really. more like in a ritualized way. i actually googled things to say other than sorry for your loss because sorry for your loss was taken by like everyone commenting on her facebook status, and i don’t want it to sound disingenuous, which it is.

elsie’s just not one of the people holding my life in their hands.

for a few flashbulb-brilliant moments, i am crazy passionate about things, and then there are brief times like this when i just wanna wallow in apathy. i keep up appearances, in that same ritualized way. but whatevs.

i’m not bad, i’m just indifferent sometimes. people don’t do bad things, usually, out of indifference. or maybe that’s when we’re all at our worst.

passion, or indifference, which is the larger evil? who’s to tell? probably not me..