you ran away from your uselessness like you had something to prove

i can’t decide if i’m a cynic or not. this is just one of the important choices i make every day. well, and is it really just one choice? or is it like a bunch of choices that add up to one thing eventually? can anyone even add that stuff up objectively? methinks not. so since nobody can really judge me accurately, i’m gonna just call myself an optimist. that’ll show ’em.

i saw a meme that was actually not a meme but just a twitter screenshot passed off as a meme; it said that all kids who read at a 12th grade level in 4th grade are now severely depressed and totally illiterate. i don’t know if this counts as bragging or dragging my self down, but that person has me all figured out.

lol i had a crush on a dumbass in 4th or 5th grade, and i told my friend, and she immediately ran and told him. i lost a crush and a friend that day, so sad. ’cause i, of course, had to explain to his face that i used to have a crush on him. so from then on i just tried not to care for him at all. and the moral of the story is trust no one and keep your feelings to yourself until it is too late to act on them. i’m good at finding morals. also, love is garbage and anyone who tells you otherwise is trying to lead you astray from the light and joy that faux apathy brings. by really, i joke. i mean, if love is garbage and we all deserve garbage, we deserve love. my philosophical depth is awe-inspiring.

elementary school is a haze of bad memories kinda. like there are a few nice bright moments where i felt good about the world and my place in it. but i was pretty damaged as a kid and so it colors every memory in a sadder light if i let it.

they say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, and if that is true, i’m dead.

a little dot in the middle of the nation. the heartland. the midwest. the flyover states.

parts of south dakota are beautiful. the black hills, the badlands. mount rushmore was disappointing even as a child seeing it. i would honestly rather see the crazy horse memorial. it’s supposed to be like ten times larger.

i used to say i wanted to have a house built in the badlands. obviously, it’s state parkland so that is actually illegal. that is the kind of illicit activity that i wanna engage in.

deadwood reminds me of dell rapids. i once told my grandma i would retire there, hahaha. i’ve since changed my mind, but it would be nice to see the place again.

over the weekend my mother and i went to the hindu temple in madrid, iowa. i was nervous. i brought a bouquet of coral-colored roses as a gift, which i thought would be nice for one of the shrines.

i’m going to send a thank you card to one of the priests there, he was very helpful. i didn’t ask many questions, but he answered so well and fully that i didn’t really need to. then this morning i did my presentation, and that went well.

next week i have finals, and i’m dreading it. i keep looking for a way out, but i think the only way out is through.

my one teacher hasn’t emailed me back. freaking typical. on thursday i might go to my advisor. or not. i just talked myself out of it. she won’t be any help. there is no help. all the things that are supposed to be helpful just end up making things worse. booooo everything is terrible. i keep waiting for everything to catch up to me. i’m honestly terrified.

i’m up later than usual. i don’t wanna lay down and sleep. once i’m asleep i’m fine. but before i fall asleep and when i wake up are the worst. every little thing comes to haunt me before i sleep. when i wake up, a new day is beginning. and i waste it. no matter what i do it’s a waste. i know i’m just being negative. that it’s all distorted by my current state. but i can’t see the future and if i did i bet i would be a bit disappointed but not really surprised.

i wonder how the people i care about are doing but don’t reach out to them, because they don’t care about me, i think. if they did, why don’t they reach out to me? lol. it’s like i always have this hope that someone will reach out, because i know i never will. i always have this hope an extrovert will save me. silly. hope is another garbage concept that brings all the pain that we deserve. add it to the list. if i was simply indifferent and accepting of my situation, i would not feel as bad. can’t feel bad about not having that which doesn’t exist. lol, if we all just eliminate love and hope from our lives we’ll be much happier for it. haha i’m so bright. like a gigantic ball of fire soaring through space, i bring the sunshine.

yeah i’m going to just drop and be done with this thinking thing. consciousness is wasted on me.

and if love is a drug, i don’t want it, because i don’t have any self control

it’s midnight and i’m in the basement because it’s thundering a tiny bit and lucy is afraid.

i had the usual dream that has become rather unusual as my mind tries to buck away from its habitual obsessions to focus on new ones. the old ones, the old dreams are rare now, and made more precious because of it. also more poisonous.

i’m walking through a party, because i know you’re there. but you’ve left. i look everywhere, and you’re gone. you just left the room. you just turned the corner. it’s like a maze of other people smiling and laughing, and me, alone, looking for you. this time i don’t wind up outside in the snow and stars, the dream doesn’t reach this sad crescendo. it just ends with me realizing you’re not there, not anywhere near me.

the dream is a bit on the nose, lol. real life occasionally mirrors it. i find myself at get-togethers, too afraid to be obvious, to ask if you’re there. so i just wander, looking for you..and of course you’re never there. you’re somewhere else, living a different life. i guess i have to accept that.

the last time i saw you i was a different person with a different agenda, a different heart, a different mind. i didn’t know much about anything outside myself. i don’t even know who you are anymore, and i don’t know who, or how, to ask. i don’t even know why i held on to you in my mind, why i ever found comfort in thoughts of star-crossed love, brought to fruition. that path is gone. it’s dead, with all the others. i guess my mind just hasn’t caught up to reality, which is definitely a theme brought up in my life over and over.

sometimes i feel as though i don’t belong in reality anyway. i’ve spent some time apart and i don’t think it lives up to the hype. oh well. as everyone in my life keeps saying, it is what it is. and there is something so final and concrete about that, that i wanna fight it, because honestly that’s my place, i think, fighting things, ideas, concepts, truths. i sometimes just want to ignore the truth so i don’t have to fight it or accept it fully, but that never works for long. something always reminds me of you and i’m back on the stupid, gaudy, rococo train of thought that i’m pretty sure is love, and though everyone’s always spouting on about it, it is the saddest, most futile thing i’ve ever witnessed myself engaging in. so, as some wise, eloquent, probably long dead person said, that sucks.

and unfortunately i’ve found myself agreeing with the naysayers.

i’m here, and you’re merely a gesture in some vague direction to me. that’s how far apart we are, in body and mind. so yeah, sarah, give up, give in. this idea you hold is dead and you’re just sadly, obstinately oblivious to it half the time. and the other half you’re in mourning for it. just let go.

it is what it is.

i ain’t circling ’round for saviors

i’m feeling really feverish and lo and behold i have a fever. i feel like pacing. in fact it’s like in my mind, i am pacing. and my face keeps making this sad/anxious expression, brow raised, worried.

what does sanity even feel like? is it like happiness, you only really notice it when it’s gone?

i wanna cry and laugh until every person in the room goes from surprise and concern to boredom, and finally leaves me. cuz really, i just wanna be alone. i don’t even wanna be with my self. my tattered shredded pathetic white flag of a self.

with the oversaturation of media, and endless consumption of various conflict coverage, i don’t know. i just wanna give up a lot. i’m constantly waving that stupid white flag, sometimes when there is not even a “real” fight. for some reason, i feel like a little stick figure endlessly falling, burning, or drowning, in a version of a physics simulation game like falling sand or burning sand or something like this game, circa 2007. yeah, i just spent a while sidetracked with that game. it’s a great game to spend a lot of time on, with nothing, or very little, to show for it. like minecraft. i’m really “good” at games like that.

i guess i still want to be an optimist about the world that has nothing to do with me. but it’s a half-assed hope, like: yeah, we’ll all probably survive, if we don’t die first. so not really hope at all, but humor. laughing is keeping me going. laughing and crying until every person in the room goes from surprise and concern to boredom, and finally leaves me.

 

words are futile devices

i wrote these notes on July 14 and had them in my google drive thingy, here’s to saving the written word and keeping a stupid record! i was depressed and just typing to look busy :

F8

Other people seem so organized and together from afar.

I regret so many things. Doing, saying so many things. Just stay silent and still. If i did, i would probs regret that too.

Hiding from it all.

Sitting here listening to halves of halves of conversations, small portions of words exchanged.

I’m so jaded yet feel so fragile at the same time. I bet this is what it is to feel old. I’m not happy, and haven’t been for a very long time.

I’m fading fast. Nothing goes how i want it. I feel as though my entire life i have just been trying to force how i want things to be but it never works. In elementary school, i felt like the interloper, nobody wanted me in the room. That feeling has been slowly creeping back into my life. I just don’t want to be that person anymore. I don’t want to be me. Lol. i thought i could run from my problems but then i realized the problem was me. And you can’t run from yourself forever. Believe me, for as long as i’ve been self-aware, i have tried. And here i am, alone in the computer lab, crying. I don’t need judgement, i carry it with me. It’s in every step i take. It’s in every thought that goes through my mind.

You can’t hold grudges. Not in this life. Grudges are a luxury, i think.

I can count on one hand the amount of times i have been sincerely hopeful.

i wish i were talking to someone right now. This is me, talking. 

this time i’ll keep away from you

i can’t let other people’s transgressions harm me. i’m done with letting other’s choices dictate mine.

it’s amazing to me how i let anyone make me feel this low. why do i do this to myself? the moth bashing itself against the light always springs to mind.

on the one hand, i don’t think i deserve it. on the other, i probably do tho. feels bad.

i slept most of the day. it feels like a wasted day, but that’s a common, constant theme in my life. even on the most brilliant of days. so maybe it’s got more to do with me than the day itself.

tomorrow will be worse, i tell myself. such a great pep talker. mom works, brent is in montana until three. i don’t want to move to montana. hope he tanked his interview.

here’s to hope for the downfall of others.