i was crushed by the weight of my own ego

life continues at a slow pace. i’ve been waking up at 5 every morning for the last coupla weeks, and staying up late, so the days just freaking drag on and on. i’ve been a little sad lately. i wouldn’t call it depressed. just kind of down. i’m a boat with no rudder, listless, directionless, just floatin’.

brent is travelling to the east coast in a few weeks, to stay at an airbnb and work his new job, basically until we find a house. the realness of moving is slowly setting in. though i still haven’t told my dad. i just don’t know how to. do i just pretend like it’s a mere possibility, introduce the idea slowly, or do i reveal the info immediately the next time i talk to him?

he will take it like bad news. he doesn’t see it from my perspective, he’s not that empathetic. he doesn’t see it as an opportunity. to start anew, to get a new outlook on things. he doesn’t see how much of a rut i’m in. it’s a new place, pretty different. it’s exciting. he will just see the glaringly obvious fact that i’m moving farther away. i get it. i’m a little sad about it too, but every time i visit him, i don’t feel at home anyway. i have no place there. when i’m there, everyone’s life goes on and mine is just at a standstill. everyone’s at work or school or (on the weekends,) living it up on the stupid boat getting mildly drunk and socializing (neither of which am i crazy about).

thomas will be going to KU soon, and will be even busier. so when i go there i will feel even less at home, less of a connection.

idk what to think, as usual. i’ve been trying to get out of some bad habits lately, like consuming vast amounts of caffeine in every form possible, but i fear i will sink into worse habits if i give up my current vices.

i’m an all or nothing person, soo i tend to go a little overboard when i do things. like trying to eat more balanced. i don’t do balanced. i feel like i either eat too much or nothing at all. i play it down for the general public, but when i was younger i had an eating disorder.

i was hospitalized for a few weeks in the kind of place that takes away your shoelaces so you aren’t tempted to string yourself up. it’s a bit of a blur, but i remember sitting with a nutritionist, crying while i ate. lol. it was considered an atypical eating disorder, as it was more like a bad habit of not eating, that i sank deep into until eating became to seem unnecessary, a chore. i also rarely drank anything, so before i was hospitalized i would go in once a week for liquids through an IV.

anyway, the point of this little trip down memory lane is that i am afraid of falling back into old habits like that. the overall point of this rambling is that change and balance are freaking hard af.

i gazed to the stars and this view can’t be shared

i’m feeling a bit better now that i’ve studied some and emailed one of my profs. less scattered, out of sorts. i have a mission. i have my goal. i just have to get through tomorrow.

i think i miss the days of inspiration, of words. perhaps i should read more. i have a long list of books, they seem like a chore tho. so heavy on my mind when i think of them waiting on me. i feel sometimes like there is so much waiting on me. like if i would only find the door, i could open it and be in a whole other plane of existence. if i would only look at something the right way, i could see the whole freaking aleph.

i used to think i could draw inspiration from my depression, that i could make something beautiful to hold in the darkness. but i don’t know anymore. and i’m so full of self-recrimination, blaming myself for my fickle mind. my mom told me that once, and it has echoed in my mind when i’m feeling especially low: you just don’t want to be happy.

as if i only wanted it more, it would arrive, arms wide, for a sweet embrace, and stay with me always. as if happiness is like some kind of stupid love that if you want it badly enough, you can find a way, simple as that. fuck that noise. if it were only that easy.

but that’s just the way my brain likes to work: sick, and i have to just keep forcing myself out of my oft-run tracks of thought.

i gotta say tho, one thing that annoys me right now is my meds. like, i practically have one to wake me up, one to help me sleep. and i know it’s not a weakness to need medicine, i tell myself that every freaking day. but the sly fox of a thought always sneaks up and grabs the first thought by the throat, gives it a little shake. a twig-like neck-snap later, the positivity is dead and useless to me. ’cause meds are a weakness, the fox-thought whispers. you should feel ashamed, the fox laughs.

so i do feel ashamed. i doubt i would ever name off the medications i am on to anyone other than a doctor irl, ever. ’cause that’s how much that stupid idea has gotten to me.

and around and around i go in my oft-run tracks of thought.

tonight though, i’m only half sad girl, promise.

peace, patted-shoulder fondness, and sleep. sleep, most of all.

half of the world is asleep, is awake. do not despair, do not despair. today is gone to bed and tomorrow unmade. do not despair, do not despair

writing out that title, the word despair doesn’t even look real anymore.

i feel like i’ve given pieces of myself up over the years. to fit in, to hurt less. i think a lot of people do that though. it’s growth, but sometimes it feels like erosion.

i received the highest score in the religion class on the test. i missed four questions. we graded them in class, and i had to grade two papers. one person got 17 wrong, the other 13. so i’m relieved. not that they did badly, but that i did well in comparison. i even accidentally said  ‘sorry’ to the girl i handed the -17 paper back to. i suppose i just gotta be glad that isn’t me. i wanted to do well, and was worried about it. hey, i got my first win of the semester.

i’m kind of a sad person. like i don’t even know why anymore. there’s no definitive reason. no one shiningly dark moment that made me this way. i’m just kind of down on the serotonin.

i’ve decided i’m going to try to drink more water and cut out more carbs. try to be healthier. drink less caffeine. idk. do people still run? is it cool to run? lol, i run from things all the time. figuratively. flexes figurative muscles, poses smugly

i haven’t been sleeping great. last night is an example. i fell asleep around 2, woke up about three hours later. i feel like it’s just taking a toll on me mentally, not sleeping. i am worried about everything, and the more i worry the less i sleep. and the less i sleep the more i worry about inane bullshit that doesn’t deserve so much thought and mental effort.

i’m even worried that i’m just a worrier. nobody wants to be that. like maybe this is just an essential part of my personality, and i would fall apart without it. if i didn’t drive myself to near insanity with all the anxiety and self-flagellation, i would probs implode. it’s like the constant tension is the thing that keeps me going. oh well, whatever keeps me going, it works. to a certain, painful extent.

that last part makes it sound like i’m just tripping lately, down in the dumps. and i am kind of getting out of a slump, but i am getting out. i will freaking persevere, because and in spite of this big, insignificant blue marble we twirl around endlessly, gracelessly, on.