and if love is a drug, i don’t want it, because i don’t have any self control

it’s midnight and i’m in the basement because it’s thundering a tiny bit and lucy is afraid.

i had the usual dream that has become rather unusual as my mind tries to buck away from its habitual obsessions to focus on new ones. the old ones, the old dreams are rare now, and made more precious because of it. also more poisonous.

i’m walking through a party, because i know you’re there. but you’ve left. i look everywhere, and you’re gone. you just left the room. you just turned the corner. it’s like a maze of other people smiling and laughing, and me, alone, looking for you. this time i don’t wind up outside in the snow and stars, the dream doesn’t reach this sad crescendo. it just ends with me realizing you’re not there, not anywhere near me.

the dream is a bit on the nose, lol. real life occasionally mirrors it. i find myself at get-togethers, too afraid to be obvious, to ask if you’re there. so i just wander, looking for you..and of course you’re never there. you’re somewhere else, living a different life. i guess i have to accept that.

the last time i saw you i was a different person with a different agenda, a different heart, a different mind. i didn’t know much about anything outside myself. i don’t even know who you are anymore, and i don’t know who, or how, to ask. i don’t even know why i held on to you in my mind, why i ever found comfort in thoughts of star-crossed love, brought to fruition. that path is gone. it’s dead, with all the others. i guess my mind just hasn’t caught up to reality, which is definitely a theme brought up in my life over and over.

sometimes i feel as though i don’t belong in reality anyway. i’ve spent some time apart and i don’t think it lives up to the hype. oh well. as everyone in my life keeps saying, it is what it is. and there is something so final and concrete about that, that i wanna fight it, because honestly that’s my place, i think, fighting things, ideas, concepts, truths. i sometimes just want to ignore the truth so i don’t have to fight it or accept it fully, but that never works for long. something always reminds me of you and i’m back on the stupid, gaudy, rococo train of thought that i’m pretty sure is love, and though everyone’s always spouting on about it, it is the saddest, most futile thing i’ve ever witnessed myself engaging in. so, as some wise, eloquent, probably long dead person said, that sucks.

and unfortunately i’ve found myself agreeing with the naysayers.

i’m here, and you’re merely a gesture in some vague direction to me. that’s how far apart we are, in body and mind. so yeah, sarah, give up, give in. this idea you hold is dead and you’re just sadly, obstinately oblivious to it half the time. and the other half you’re in mourning for it. just let go.

it is what it is.

once i thought being lost was only a part of being young, but the old man in the bed next to your cot was screaming louder than anyone

i hate when i get to know someone and then wish i hadn’t. people can be so ugly on the inside.

why is it when literal nazis march, people just shrug and spout the tired old “freedom of speech”, but when someone kneels during some stupid dinosaur of a song, people get almost apoplectic with rage. a song at a football game has nothing to do with veterans. the whole act has nothing to do with veterans. i know many americans have such a hard-on for the military that they just have to relate everything under the sun back to glorious War™ and its various members, but come on, be real. i come from a long line of military folks, and i’m not so vain that i equate a simple, unobtrusive form of protest against the institutional racism faced by people of color, with an attack against my family. i’m not as selfish, self-centered or self-involved as that, at least.

i think its because the white right-wingers secretly (or not-so-secretly) relate more to the struggles (lol struggle: kampf, get it?) of nazis than they do african-americans.

also, have you noticed that when you say something simple like “black lives matter”, and don’t say anything about white people, right-wingers are up in arms, angry that people have the audacity to disclude them in that, so they quickly retort, in a nasally, irritating voice, i presume, that,  “ahem, all lives matter.” 

i, too, am uncomfortable when we are not about me.

even when segregation was abolished in the dear old hospitable south, it was basically a forced enterprise. our dear nether-neighbors equated mixing of the races to communism. basically, tho, anything that they didn’t like was communism. lol, like walt disney, with the writer’s strike. he said there was a communist conspiracy out to get him. he wasn’t unfair, communism was unfair. not that i’m a fan of communism, don’t get me wrong. i’m not for any sort of hard-line political ideology.

i remember hearing about a catholic school that desegregated in the south, and basically they threatened the people with excommunication if they did not integrate. hilarious. people care more about the afterlife than they do life.

oh yeah, and i’m not going to be a dictator for life anymore, i’m going to be a theological dictator. basically, if i don’t like you, you can no longer reside in paradise, i.e. my presence, so you are deported to hell, also called europe. lolololol. no. i think it’s the other way around.

i am the satan in this whole setup, anyway.

my mom said that one of her patients at the VA had some kind of weird flashback, and he told her to “take the clothes of the dead and redistribute them among the living.” like what kind of war was he fighting in? it was at the same time sad, funny, and disturbing. so, life as usual.

 

all my enemies are turning into my teachers

my mom and brent are traveling to atlanta to go to a basball game and be tourists and such.

i’m gonna be alone until tuesday. it might be fun, might be deeply depressing. probs both.

today me and kim discussed guilt and self-hatred. it was interesting. i decided i disliked cruel/unkind people most of all because their behavior’s contagiousness: they made me feel cruel/unkind for wishing harm upon them. my initial reaction towards hate is hate.

you can’t really just go around tearing out people’s eyes in retribution, and call it justice. it’s more complicated than that.

i don’t know. i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again: the abyss stares back.

the things we fear the most have already happened.

we are the things we warn people about.

et cetera.

on a happier note, today’s my older bro’s birthday. i don’t get to see him tho. still, i’m going to get him some steam gift cards or something. it’ll be grand.