i dreamt we spoke again

the world seems crazy bright lately. it’s almost blinding. kind of annoying, like a super sunny day, light in my eyes.

i’m still waiting on my first choice college to decide my fate. i emailed the admissions advisor and he said it should be some time this coming week now. he totally said that a couple of weeks ago. i’m hopeful tho.

i know my college career was rocky at first, and i didn’t have the best grades or gpa, but for once i feel motivated to try again. hit restart and just forget that person i was.

the advisor asked me about when i started school, and what the reason was for my shitty grades. well, he phrased it more tactfully. so i issued a personal statement for the admissions committee explaining my past and how i am presently in a much better place, and have a support system and medication/treatment plan in place, and am much more compliant, accepting with my diagnosis, and willing to seek help.

ugh and then, of course, i second guess myself. am i in a better place? i want to be so bad right now. i want to begin again. i want to be better. if not for myself, then for other people in my life. that’s probably the worst thing about it though: i still don’t really value myself enough to do things for the sake of my wellbeing. i still go through the motions for the people around me. i need to work on that whole self-regard thing. i will get there though. i have people rooting for me. i will decide to do the same. i deserve it.

i haven’t been working much, and it’s been driving me a bit stir-crazy, but if that’s the worst thing i have going for me, i’m good. plus i think it is a good sign it has been weighing on me, as i have more energy and more motivation. i just want to do something, get moving forward. so yeah, things are looking up.



i was born in a thunderstorm

ugh i deactivated my facebook account for like the third time. my birthday is approaching. i hate birthdays. people give me attention that i feel is undeserved, and it makes me squirm.

but my dad was in playa del carmen still, and so he made me reactivate facebook to look at his damn pictures. he went parasailing, caught some fish. he had fun. i’m super happy for him. he has seriously never been on vacation in his life. the last time he was out of the country was when he was in the army. and in the pics he looks really happy. it’s pretty great.

just found out i passed my classes….i was sure i was going to fail at least one. lol i’m not mad though. i still haven’t processed it yet. i have a degree. i’m done with that school. i’m going to miss my advisor.

now i just have to decide what to do next.

in august i’m going to new york to visit my brother. i bet it’ll be fun. we went there once, when i was around 14. it wasn’t as impressive as i thought. the empire state building wasn’t that tall. i was always more of a chrysler building person. or even the flatiron building.

i rearranged some money to start saving for whatever. the future, i guess. and all that entails.

everything’s coming together somehow. lol, time to really flip my shit and have a breakdown i guess.


i’ve never seen the desert before, to be so close to nothing

this one’s a doozy.

it just hit me like a truck while i was trying to fall asleep the other night: i wish i had killed my self years ago. i’ve wasted so much time on earth. i used to think i could be a different person if i was just in a different place. but i’ve lived long enough, and i’ve travelled far enough that i know i will never be able to change.

lol i will never be able to put my family through my suicide tho.

yet i can’t stop thinking about it when each day ends. i’m just tired, i tell myself each night at 1am. do you ever get so tired that suicide seems like the only option. lol i can sleep when i’m dead.

i will probably not kill myself. so who the fuck cares how much pain i am in, right?

sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt, and all that shit, right?

i broke down in the doctor’s office crying when the doc asked if i was okay, after i filled out the stupid depression questionnaire.

i just feel trapped, i told her.

and i do. i feel like a pathetic little animal. like i would rather chew off my own leg than live here. lol.

i love how everyone is okay with how much my life feels like hell, as long as i don’t kill myself and make them feel bad. it isn’t about me, it’s all about them. like people are always saying there are worse things than death, but they don’t believe it. people will say anything to me, all the lies, as long as i don’t make that final step off the edge.

as an abrupt change of subject, we ate indian food after the doctor. it was good and spicy. lol my mom is so oblivious to everything, good for her. she thinks today was a good day.

i would do anything to let everyone remain oblivious in my life. but my resolve is crumbling. i don’t know how much i can keep this shit up. i need to speak to two of my profs and ask them for some sort of leniency for my shit attendance and school-work ethic. the other one is the religion one and since i’m getting more than 100% in that class currently, i’m not too worried.

okay for now i’m done venting to myself. what a great way to end the day: whining.

i gazed to the stars and this view can’t be shared

i’m feeling a bit better now that i’ve studied some and emailed one of my profs. less scattered, out of sorts. i have a mission. i have my goal. i just have to get through tomorrow.

i think i miss the days of inspiration, of words. perhaps i should read more. i have a long list of books, they seem like a chore tho. so heavy on my mind when i think of them waiting on me. i feel sometimes like there is so much waiting on me. like if i would only find the door, i could open it and be in a whole other plane of existence. if i would only look at something the right way, i could see the whole freaking aleph.

i used to think i could draw inspiration from my depression, that i could make something beautiful to hold in the darkness. but i don’t know anymore. and i’m so full of self-recrimination, blaming myself for my fickle mind. my mom told me that once, and it has echoed in my mind when i’m feeling especially low: you just don’t want to be happy.

as if i only wanted it more, it would arrive, arms wide, for a sweet embrace, and stay with me always. as if happiness is like some kind of stupid love that if you want it badly enough, you can find a way, simple as that. fuck that noise. if it were only that easy.

but that’s just the way my brain likes to work: sick, and i have to just keep forcing myself out of my oft-run tracks of thought.

i gotta say tho, one thing that annoys me right now is my meds. like, i practically have one to wake me up, one to help me sleep. and i know it’s not a weakness to need medicine, i tell myself that every freaking day. but the sly fox of a thought always sneaks up and grabs the first thought by the throat, gives it a little shake. a twig-like neck-snap later, the positivity is dead and useless to me. ’cause meds are a weakness, the fox-thought whispers. you should feel ashamed, the fox laughs.

so i do feel ashamed. i doubt i would ever name off the medications i am on to anyone other than a doctor irl, ever. ’cause that’s how much that stupid idea has gotten to me.

and around and around i go in my oft-run tracks of thought.

tonight though, i’m only half sad girl, promise.

peace, patted-shoulder fondness, and sleep. sleep, most of all.

i don’t care what the future holds, ’cause i’m right here, and i’m today

me and my dad looked at old pictures tonight, i called myself a nerd over and over. the past was simpler, though, possibly.

here’s me and the original oliver, who was my grandma’s cat, first named tiger until i started calling him oliver over and over until the name stuck:


i really don’t wanna forget about shandar, who is the dark tabby in this picture. he died years ago, at age 22:


getting a santa stocking drawn on one cheek and a helicopter temporary tattoo on the other, a combo that makes no sense, stylin’ as always with my cowlick and a self-cut chunk out of my bangs:

judging by the outfit this is right after seeing santa.



looking like an out of focus, un-self-conscious weirdo at my birthday party:



and then there’s thomas as a kid, pretending to read the bible, looking angelic. it’s ‘ironic’ as he said, ’cause he’s pretty irreligious now. aren’t we all.





here’s my dad and thomas, right before my dad had his right eye removed from melanoma. this was 2001, i think.



i’ve just got loads of pictures now. blast from the past, yo.

then today i took some random pictures and videos of cats, because i was at joey and cari’s house and they have three.

this is one, aptly named kitty:


this is pogo:


for some reason i didn’t get a pic of caspar, who is the most friendly of the cats and the grey one grooming himself here:


they also have a rabbit named peanut:


i was honestly too scared of dropping her to hold her. she is huge and gorgeous tho.


on the way over there, i took a video of downtown dell rapids, which is sorta cute:



my dad found a panda mask.



and that is all. tomorrow i’m headed home in the morning. i didn’t get everything done i wanted, it’s really really cold out (currently -7°F), but i had as good of a time as i could expect. better, even.

oh, and for xmas i got two shirts, one with a stormtrooper and AT-AT in starry night fashion, and a shirt from thomas of bart simpson drinking a super squishee.  i love them both. i also got some money, which is always nice. i’m a lucky person.

i will be happy to be going home, but i feel good about my trip.

glad for the old days, but glad they’re gone, too. even if they never really are, ha.


fact isn’t what you see

class is all done with, and i’m pretty sure i got a solid A, and the instructor emailed me saying i was one of her brightest students and my final essay had a lot of excellent insights. yay. and  here i was very apprehensive about submitting it because i felt like it wasn’t some of my best work. i swear i blushed reading her email. i was super embarrassed, am always embarrassed, at praise.

so happy. plus work is done until after xmas, and on saturday i’m heading to cancun early in the morning. and then after cancun i’m going to kansas to see my dad, which will be nice, and i’m going to be on my best behavior. it’s been a hard few days leading up to this, but i’m feeling good today.

i’m going to get katie at work a gift in cancun, as her birthday is coming up and she works that day. i might try and get everyone a gift, actually. if i can. at least get some candy or something that i can bring to work and share with everyone. i want to get armela something, but i also want to get parveen something, as when she went home to india she got bracelets for me, and then i would want to get fatema something, and then i would want to get everyone something as i wouldn’t want to leave anyone out because i like them all for all they do.

life is okay.