i need something bigger than the sky. hold it in my arms and know it’s mine

it’s 7:30am. i’ve been awake since 2:50 because i’m stupid and i thought to myself that it was close enough to daylight to get up. soo like the diva i aspire to be, i put on makeup and did my hair, twiddled my thumbs for a couple of hours, and around 4:45 fed and walked lucy. she has been doing good. still won’t go upstairs, though we haven’t really tried because we don’t want to stress her out. we definitely know it’s her sight tho, so that’s not too bad. she gets around fine, no mobility issues otherwise. plus she’s been eating well, her weight is steady. i’m rationalizing tho. she’s pretty old and will die eventually. i really hope it isn’t this year though. selfish of me, but i wouldn’t be able to handle her death and moving and everything together. i don’t ever want to have to handle her death though ūüė¶

we have her bed in the living room now instead of in my room, and have still been taking turns sleeping on the couch every night. lol the cats lay on her bed all the time. as soon as she gets up from it, ari pops up out of nowhere and goes and lays on it. annoyingly for lucy, ari also likes to lay behind the chair in the exact place lucy likes to lay. i think he’s just obsessed with her. as everyone should be.

i wish i knew what lucy was like as a puppy. we’ve had her since she was three.

i don’t have much planned for today. i’m going to clean and pack more. my mom is home so we will probably end up shopping.

lol my bro adam texted me for once, sending good vibes my way. don’t know what the hell is the matter with him. he might be dying.

man, i scrolled through my twitter feed earlier. it is mostly composed of journalists and satirists and the kind of people who swarm around wars and try to make sense of them. i love it. it is stupid chaos, which is fun, but can be overwhelming after a short time.

ooh and i bought a book called “And Then God Created The Middle East and Said ‘Let There Be Breaking News'” by karl sharro.

it’s pretty damn funny. i’ve been trying to find more reasons to laugh at the world. it can be difficult.

eyes without a face

so,

i was born early morning, june 3rd. 1:13 am.

i love how people struggle to find meaning in the numbers, the days of the week, in the movements of the stars and planets. everything. in the end though, i’m not sure if anything has meaning other than the meaning we invest. humans are the real power, not freaking dots of light in the sky, so far away they could be dead/dark and we wouldn’t even know. but a lot of people don’t invest their power in themselves. we don’t know what to do with ourselves really. we’ve come so very far and yet we’re all still just here. it is beautiful and sad and lovely and very hard to fathom for me sometimes.

lol i think i’m just having an existential crisis. it is like this every birthday month. when truly it’s just like any other month. which may be why it is hard to deal with in the first place.

i’m 25, a quarter of a century, as my coworkers so thoughtfully remind me.

anyway, happy belated birthday to me. it’s been a great show of bravery in the face of futility.

the flags are all dead at the top of their poles

we say we’re not like them, but we love a good martyr too. we love a mindless, senseless patriot. someone willing to kill, die, or end up an empty shell for the interests of the governing body and its allies. oh, america. how you ache at the cognitive dissonance of it all. what the hell happened? you were never what you said you were.

there’re two ducks, a male and female, that hang around the house. they like to eat the dried mealworms my mom mixes into the birdseed she puts outside. ducks are cute. they come waddling up, and we make sure not to go outside and disturb them. it’s like a little wildlife refuge, despite being in the middle of town. we get deer that eat from the birdfeeder on our porch, a raccoon that eats the cat food we leave out for stray cats, two squirrels, a chipmunk, a big fat rabbit and one little, young rabbit. so many animals. i love watching them.

one of my fond memories from my childhood is from my grandma’s house, where i’d stay occasionally, especially after my grandfather died. i’d¬†sit in her little sitting area, the windows crowded with flora like jade plants and cacti and geraniums, and at sunset i’d¬†watch the deer through binoculars as they came out of the woods to eat corn my grandma left out for them.

she had two huge gardens. i’d¬†wander through them and the woods, pretending i lived out there. i¬†even¬†built a fort out of tree branches. it¬†was¬†pretty neat.

this was in minnesota, and my grandma had a lady slipper flower, which is actually minnesota’s¬†state flower and so illegal to pick or uproot, and i’m pretty sure she uprooted it at some point to have it. she gave my mother the habit of carrying a shovel in the trunk of the car in case there was something good growing on the side of the road, like wild asparagus or something “fun” like that, haha.

she moved to a smaller place and sold her house way back in 2015. seems like it was just a few months ago.

i remember her yelling at me and my brother for climbing trees on her property. lol she was afraid we would scuff up the branches, not afraid for our safety.

i miss minnesota. the land of 10,000 lakes. the star of the north. i say it a lot, but it’s a great place.

 

 

i was born in a thunderstorm

ugh i deactivated my facebook account for like the third time. my birthday is approaching. i hate birthdays. people give me attention that i feel is undeserved, and it makes me squirm.

but my dad was in playa del carmen still, and¬†so he made me¬†reactivate facebook to look at his damn¬†pictures. he went parasailing, caught some fish. he had fun. i’m¬†super happy for him. he¬†has seriously¬†never been on vacation in his life. the last time he was out of the country was when¬†he was in the army. and¬†in the¬†pics he looks really happy. it’s pretty great.

just found out i passed my classes….i was sure i was going to fail at least one. lol i’m not mad though. i still haven’t processed it yet. i have a degree. i’m¬†done with that school. i’m¬†going to miss my advisor.

now i just have to decide what to do next.

in august¬†i’m going to new york to visit my brother. i bet it’ll be fun. we¬†went there once, when i was around 14. it wasn’t as impressive as i thought. the empire state building wasn’t that tall. i was always more of a chrysler¬†building person. or even the flatiron building.

i rearranged some money to start saving for whatever. the future, i guess. and all that entails.

everything’s coming together somehow. lol, time to really flip my shit and have a breakdown i guess.

 

you ran away from your uselessness like you had something to prove

i can’t decide if i’m a cynic or not. this is just one of the important choices i make every day. well, and is it really just one choice? or is it like a bunch of choices that add up to one thing eventually? can anyone even add that stuff up objectively? methinks not. so since nobody can really judge me accurately, i’m gonna just call myself an optimist. that’ll show ’em.

i saw a meme that was actually not a meme but just a twitter screenshot passed off as a meme; it said that all kids who read at a 12th grade level in 4th grade are now severely depressed and totally illiterate. i don’t know if this counts as bragging or dragging my self down, but that person has me all figured out.

lol i had a crush on a dumbass in 4th or 5th grade, and i told my friend, and she immediately ran and told him. i lost a crush and a friend that day, so sad. ’cause i, of course, had to explain to his face that i used to have a crush on him. so from then on i just tried not to care for him at all. and the moral of the story is trust no one and keep your feelings to yourself until it is too late to act on them. i’m good at finding morals. also, love is garbage and anyone who tells you otherwise is trying to lead you astray from the light and joy that faux apathy brings. by really, i joke. i mean, if love is garbage and we all deserve garbage, we deserve love. my philosophical depth is awe-inspiring.

elementary school is a haze of bad memories kinda. like there are a few nice bright moments where i felt good about the world and my place in it. but i was pretty damaged as a kid and so it colors every memory in a sadder light if i let it.

they say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, and if that is true, i’m dead.

a little dot in the middle of the nation. the heartland. the midwest. the flyover states.

parts of south dakota¬†are beautiful. the black hills, the badlands. mount rushmore was disappointing even as a child seeing it. i would honestly rather see the crazy horse memorial. it’s supposed to be like ten times larger.

i used to say i wanted to have a house built in the badlands. obviously, it’s state parkland so that is actually illegal. that is the kind of illicit activity that i wanna engage in.

deadwood reminds me of dell rapids. i once told my grandma i would retire there, hahaha. i’ve since changed my mind, but it would be nice to see the place again.

over the weekend my mother and i went to the hindu temple in madrid, iowa. i was nervous. i brought a bouquet of coral-colored roses as a gift, which i thought would be nice for one of the shrines.

i’m going to send a thank you card to one of the priests there, he was very helpful. i didn’t ask many questions, but he answered so well and fully that i didn’t really need to. then this morning i did my presentation, and that went well.

next week i have finals, and i’m¬†dreading it. i keep looking for a way out, but i think the only way out is through.

my one teacher hasn’t emailed me back. freaking typical. on thursday i might go to my advisor. or not. i just talked myself out of it. she won’t be any help. there is no help. all the things that are supposed to be helpful just end up making things worse. booooo everything is terrible. i keep waiting for everything to catch up to me. i’m¬†honestly terrified.

i’m¬†up later than usual. i don’t wanna lay down and sleep. once i’m asleep i’m fine. but before i fall asleep and when i wake up are the worst. every little thing comes to haunt me before i sleep. when i wake up, a new day is beginning. and i waste it. no matter what i do it’s a waste. i know i’m just being negative. that it’s all distorted by my current state. but i can’t see the future and if i did i bet i would be a bit disappointed but not really surprised.

i wonder how the people i care about are doing but don’t reach out to them, because they don’t care about me, i think. if they did, why don’t they reach out to me? lol. it’s like i always have this hope that someone will reach out, because i¬†know i never will. i always have this hope an extrovert will save me. silly. hope is another garbage concept that brings all the pain that we deserve. add it to the list. if i was simply indifferent and accepting of my situation, i would not feel as bad. can’t feel bad about not having that which doesn’t exist. lol, if we all just eliminate love and hope from our lives we’ll be much happier for it. haha i’m so bright. like a gigantic ball of fire soaring through space, i bring the sunshine.

yeah i’m going to just drop and be done with this thinking thing. consciousness is wasted on me.

i’ve never seen the desert before, to be so close to nothing

this one’s a doozy.

it just hit me like a truck while i was trying to fall asleep the other night: i wish i had killed my self years ago. i’ve wasted so much time on earth. i used to think i could be a different person if i was just in a different place. but i’ve lived long enough, and i’ve travelled far enough that i know i will never be able to change.

lol i will never be able to put my family through my suicide tho.

yet i can’t stop thinking about it when each day ends. i’m just tired, i tell myself each night at 1am. do you ever get so tired that suicide seems like the only option. lol i can sleep when i’m dead.

i will probably not kill myself. so who the fuck cares how much pain i am in, right?

sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt, and all that shit, right?

i broke down in the doctor’s office crying when the doc asked if i was okay, after i filled out the stupid depression questionnaire.

i just feel trapped, i told her.

and i do. i feel like a pathetic little animal. like i would rather chew off my own leg than live here. lol.

i love how everyone is okay with how much my life feels like hell, as long as i don’t kill myself and make them feel bad. it isn’t about me, it’s all about them. like people are always saying there are worse things than death, but they don’t believe it. people will say anything to me, all the lies, as long as i don’t make that final step off the edge.

as an abrupt change of subject, we ate indian food after the doctor. it was good and spicy. lol my mom is so oblivious to everything, good for her. she thinks today was a good day.

i would do anything to let everyone remain oblivious in my life. but my resolve is crumbling. i don’t know how much i can keep this shit up. i need to speak to two of my profs and ask them for some sort of leniency for my shit attendance and school-work ethic. the other one is the religion one and since i’m getting more than 100% in that class currently, i’m not too worried.

okay for now i’m done venting to myself. what a great way to end the day: whining.

my tears are anathema here

i’m trying not to falter, trying not to quit. i keep heading towards the future, toward a horizon that never ends. there’s a persistent, nagging feeling in the back of my mind, that if i would just quit, i would be happier. but i know that’s a lie. that happiness is at the end of the neverending horizon, and i just have to trust that i will make it. it seems futile, but i just have to keep going. i don’t know what i would do, if i didn’t keep going.

people are so desperate, so animalistic in their desires and drives. i wish i could stand apart from them sometimes. not be one, lol.

i overcompensate, love where i feel like hating. listening and nodding where i wish i could just put my fingers in my ears and yell LA LA LA! i don’t wanna listen to these people drivel on, it does nothing good for me, listening to this. it doesn’t build love or understanding. it just makes me feel tired and old, and only one of those things makes any sense, looking at who i am. i don’t know how people like them live with themselves. i’m not even¬†that¬†bad, when i think about it in my few moments of¬†objective lucidity, and i can barely live¬†with myself, so how¬†the¬†hell¬†do they? seriously, what is their secret, i wanna know!? like, what? anything can i¬†do to hate myself a bit less.

i have been sleeping terribly the past couple of weeks, and it’s messing with my head a little. i keep seesawing between self-flagellation to self-soothing, going from mentally beating myself up to mindlessly consuming media mostly pertaining to cats, dogs, and television shows. that leaves a little time to study and a little time to sleep. i’m¬†not doing badly in school, i’m actually doing pretty well in two out of three classes so that’s just swell, but my mind sticks to the third, and i beat myself up more and sleep less and study frantically.

okay again, with the lucid thought, outwardly i’m doing well, except for the sleep thing. and honestly, i’m glad it’s hyposomnia versus hypersomnia. i would much rather sleep like 3 hours a night than, say, 15.¬†i have been cooking a lot, i have kept on top of studying and homework.¬† in one of my classes, i’m not doing my best work, but i’ve done the calculations, lol, and if i just put a little more thought into what i study before tests/quizzes, i can boost my grade a bit, maybe score an a-.

in my environmental science class, i got a freaking 85% on my first test, which is okay, because i know she gives out a couple of little extra credit assignments. but i was so sleep deprived that i answered a few questions wrong that i really really knew the answers to, and looking at that test now i just wince.

it’s about 7pm, and i’m trying to wind down. tomorrow is supposed to be bad weather, and i’m¬†hoping class is canceled so i have another day to study for my next test.

i just wanna say that this whole latest school shooting hit me pretty hard. it made me so deeply sad and angry at so many things, so many people. i am just trying to keep my little world together, and then reality seeps in, and i can’t pretend to be cold and objective anymore.

i’m managing.