born to be down

the world is like a parody that went too far with the material and lost itself in absurdity. i don’t know whether to laugh or cry so i do nothing but wring my hands and wonder where the fuck we went wrong. i wanna leave but there is no distance far enough to escape the insanity, the inanity, the injustice.

times like these remind me why i’m all anti-theology. what sick, twisted mind would come up with a world like this? maybe me, but in an ironic way. but as much as i joke about being a glorious god-queen, i don’t reckon i would be egotistical or sadistic enough to make such a cold world that, as full as it is, often feels so devoid of meaning or i don’t know; resolution or something. like, where is the clarity? we’re all among the filth and muck and we will never be clean, we’ll just be dead. sometimes the best part of a story is the end, and the world contains many of these stories.

as much as some people aspire towards something bright and white-washed pure, they are such brutal, repugnant monsters that deserve nothing but their own miserable company. do they not see what a joke it is that they pretend moral righteousness while they lie, cheat, steal, rape, murder, covet, et cetera?

i look across at the multitudes and i see nothing good among them sometimes, just lesser evils. i don’t want to be the unforgiving type, but why forgive someone when they are not asking for anything like forgiveness? they are past feelings of conscience. and i’m not here to play jiminy cricket to their lying-ass peter pan bullshit. i get sick of having to be patient and kind and understanding while on the inside i seethe and boil over. or better yet, rant online.

sorry this was so dark. i swear i’m not even down or anything. i’m past feeling anything but a slow disdainful shake of the head made into a feeling.

they’ll name a city after us, and later say it’s all our fault

free will.

i think we have it, but not truly i suppose. we are all so intertwined with our families and communities and everything around us. in more individualistic communities, is free will more powerful? i doubt it. we all seem to choose similar paths to those around us, similar agendas.

and even opposing agendas, it seems people go about achieving them in the same stupid ways. that’s why i always have a hard time in discerning the goodies from the baddies in this life of mine: it’s avoid-avoid, all the choices seem the same amount of awful.


on a personal note tho, a favorite author of mine is finally releasing the next book in her series, in 2017. better than before, when there was no release date, title, or cover for it out yet for like five years. SO EXCITING.