born to be down

the world is like a parody that went too far with the material and lost itself in absurdity. i don’t know whether to laugh or cry so i do nothing but wring my hands and wonder where the fuck we went wrong. i wanna leave but there is no distance far enough to escape the insanity, the inanity, the injustice.

times like these remind me why i’m all anti-theology. what sick, twisted mind would come up with a world like this? maybe me, but in an ironic way. but as much as i joke about being a glorious god-queen, i don’t reckon i would be egotistical or sadistic enough to make such a cold world that, as full as it is, often feels so devoid of meaning or i don’t know; resolution or something. like, where is the clarity? we’re all among the filth and muck and we will never be clean, we’ll just be dead. sometimes the best part of a story is the end, and the world contains many of these stories.

as much as some people aspire towards something bright and white-washed pure, they are such brutal, repugnant monsters that deserve nothing but their own miserable company. do they not see what a joke it is that they pretend moral righteousness while they lie, cheat, steal, rape, murder, covet, et cetera?

i look across at the multitudes and i see nothing good among them sometimes, just lesser evils. i don’t want to be the unforgiving type, but why forgive someone when they are not asking for anything like forgiveness? they are past feelings of conscience. and i’m not here to play jiminy cricket to their lying-ass peter pan bullshit. i get sick of having to be patient and kind and understanding while on the inside i seethe and boil over. or better yet, rant online.

sorry this was so dark. i swear i’m not even down or anything. i’m past feeling anything but a slow disdainful shake of the head made into a feeling.

i’m counting on the idea that you’ll stay alive

today i was on register my whole shift. and i made it through!! i even apologized to zac for being snippy that one day on register. tomorrow i’m in the fitting room, but it’ll be okay. just have to get through monday and tuesday, and then wednesday i’m in the CO. and then i’m off until i go to freaking cancun!!!! so exciting 😀

i feel good today. i started the new extended release stimulant, and lo and behold i feel more focused/motivated.

i stayed up late last night but still got up at 5, and i don’t even feel fatigued in the least. here’s hoping i stay this way through cancun and beyond!

the cats are doing good, lucy is doing good, everyone is peachy keen.

lucycollagekittycollage

 

 

 

hey, open wide, here comes original sin

cut the emotion out like necrotic flesh.

feel the fatigue hovering in the peripheral, yawn forming.

i’m terrified of dying really, yet i fear my fear of life outweighs my fear of death sometimes. short as it may be, life has a way of dragging on yet death in my eyes is a single event.

yesterday we talked about social institutions, like religion, government bodies and such. i didn’t know people trust atheists so little tho. like, am i really untrustworthy as a leader?? yeah, probs. I HAVE NO MORAL COMPASS. lol. i think it is because people are stupid. me included. that’s why we cannot trust. we’re all wrapped up in our own stupidity.

seriously tho, my moral compass is freaking weird. i remember being a child and saving little bugs from my grandma’s pool, getting stung by a wasp and just letting it go, et cetera. life was a precious thing to me, i learned that early on. even the smallest life form, had a meaning to me.

i was a dreamy, stupid child, terrified of the big bad world early on. i felt the need to protect the underdogs of the world. i think it’s because the smallness and fragility of life echoed my own feelings about my own little life.

i still have that sort of complex, but it has died down because it is too painful at times. the more i learn, the more i learn that the world is too vast to know completely. people say the world is getting smaller, but to me it is just epically huge, and i cannot fathom its depths at times. like all times.

words are futile devices

i wrote these notes on July 14 and had them in my google drive thingy, here’s to saving the written word and keeping a stupid record! i was depressed and just typing to look busy :

F8

Other people seem so organized and together from afar.

I regret so many things. Doing, saying so many things. Just stay silent and still. If i did, i would probs regret that too.

Hiding from it all.

Sitting here listening to halves of halves of conversations, small portions of words exchanged.

I’m so jaded yet feel so fragile at the same time. I bet this is what it is to feel old. I’m not happy, and haven’t been for a very long time.

I’m fading fast. Nothing goes how i want it. I feel as though my entire life i have just been trying to force how i want things to be but it never works. In elementary school, i felt like the interloper, nobody wanted me in the room. That feeling has been slowly creeping back into my life. I just don’t want to be that person anymore. I don’t want to be me. Lol. i thought i could run from my problems but then i realized the problem was me. And you can’t run from yourself forever. Believe me, for as long as i’ve been self-aware, i have tried. And here i am, alone in the computer lab, crying. I don’t need judgement, i carry it with me. It’s in every step i take. It’s in every thought that goes through my mind.

You can’t hold grudges. Not in this life. Grudges are a luxury, i think.

I can count on one hand the amount of times i have been sincerely hopeful.

i wish i were talking to someone right now. This is me, talking. 

before i sputter out

 

i’m so exhausted. i feel as though i’ve just travelled a very long way for nothing, and now have the journey back to deal with too.

voting tomorrow, finally. yeah, i’ve put it off until the last minute. i don’t want to vote. let us just decide i’m dictator for life from this moment on. start my own nation of one. no one else can join, i hate everyone right now. i’m a hideously disjointed monster of remorse for actions committed, or actions not commited. i don’t know sometimes whether i’m mad at myself or the world. lulz. i am the freaking world. so, both?

nah i’m not mad at anything really. i just hate feeling cornered like this. i want to feel like i have choice in my life. even the smallest things, like going to work tomorrow. i have no choice.

smh. it makes me laugh in the bitterest of ways.

thomas announced on facebook that everyone should vote hillary tomorrow. what you need to know is that thomas hates hillary clinton. that’s how much a lot of people hate trump. and then you have people voting for trump even though they hate him, because they think he is better than hillary at least. this is what this stupid place has come to. not voting for someone, but voting against someone worse. if i were just a bit more misanthropic, this would all make me cackle in glee. but i’m not, so it just makes me a bit sad.

as i was writing this, there were seven political ads in a row on tv. let it all end now, pls.

 

shadows of the mess you made

i’m a shimmering ball of caffeine-fueled energy. i can’t stand it, i’m so tired yet so awake. i watch the little birds flitting around outside by the bird feeder. i watch the cat, rome, watching the birds, looking ready to pounce.

i’ve been thinking about it, and it’s probs not good for people to get what they want half the time. disappointment is inevitable when things are hyped up this far. i’ll die not knowing what would have been, if only. ha, death, the ultimate hyped-up crazy fad  😛

i can’t forget what you’ve forgotten

today i got through it all with a fake smile plastered to my face. i was in 60/80 but it wasn’t a mess as it usually is. lynn said i dominated it so i’m satisfied. tomorrow it all begins again. i have class so there’s homework to do beforehand. plus i have to touch base with nichole and see if she understands google slides and what we’re doing with BRIC. ugh she wanted to do the project on logistics. no nichole no. i feel like i’m going to be doing the brunt of the work on this project, which is okay with me because at least then i know where everything is and all that shenanigans. my feet hurt. i’m going to eat the last of my icecream and fall asleep in the living room chair.