your silence won’t do you any favors

my mom’s in virginia, house hunting. today she saw a house she and brent really liked in alexandria and may even put an offer in on it.

my brother was here from minneapolis for a few days. he left yesterday. he helped with some dismantling, packing, and moving things into the garage. at one point he sawed the living room entertainment center/bookshelf in half, lmao, with a little handsaw. it was that or leave it in the house, because that thing was enormous, heavier than it looked, and totally unwieldy. before we decided it needed to be sawed in half, adam took off one of the glass doors and it shattered, with tiny little chunks of glass all over. took forever to clean up. it kind of sucks we totally destroyed it in hindsight, as though i didn’t really like how gigantic it was, it’s a shame it will go completely to waste.

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later in the day we put together a little mid-century-looking sofa my mom purchased to stage in the house. it was waaay more difficult than it should have been thanks to a terrible instruction manual and our general incompetence. kidding, it was all the instructions’ fault. they didn’t specify which washer to use in which step, and so we used the bigger washer, assuming that it was the right one. it was a total cluster of trying to get the damn screws in. i swear it took like 2-3 hours and a lot of clumsy maneuvering, trying to get different pieces lined up. plus, now that it is put together and in the corner of the living room with cardboard draped around it for protection, the cats are obsessed with it. i’ve had to scare them away from scratching at it several times now.

so the day before yesterday, and yesterday, were good, productive days. today, in contrast, was not. i mean, i cleaned up a bit and did laundry, but i left a lot to do before tomorrow night, when my mom gets home. classic me, waiting for the pressure to really light a fire under me.

i’m kind of scared with everything changing, but i’ll just keep on moving forward. or at least try to not go any farther back.

 

wish I could speak in just one sweep, what you are and what you mean to me

i’m kind of irritable lately but i hide it really well. my mom is kind of irritable, and she is not so great at hiding it. she snaps at me, interrupting my constant stream of shitty jokes, and then she makes some excuse for snapping, then tries to be funny. i laugh and go along with it. i am so sick of feeling like all i am is a bother to others, an annoyance. i look forward to my bi-weekly therapist visit because it’s the only time i sort of feel like someone is listening to me. and that will end soon when we move. no more therapist for a while. i don’t even know why i bother talking otherwise. i might become mute, i’ve decided.

i’ve been trying to keep busy. there’s a lot to do and it’s overwhelming. i don’t know where to start on a lot of things.

so i sit and stare a lot, eyes unfocused, looking at nothing, thinking about nothing.

i still haven’t told my dad we’re moving. i’m in denial. i’m in denial about a lot of things tbh.

my last day of work is sunday. i’ve been there for five years. it’s gonna be wild.

 

 

so let us not talk falsely now

we are catsitting bootsie again for a couple of weeks. he is the cutest. though he is easy to trip over as he will follow ya around anywhere. lol i caught a pic of him with his tongue out:

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the moving process is really getting to my mom. there is just so much to do and she doesn’t know where to start. it’s so overwhelming. today i’m going to start changing out doorknobs for her at least. i don’t actually know how to yet, but i figure there’s a youtube video for that.

her interview in virginia went really well. she was offered the job and more: they said she should also apply for a supervisory position that was open, as she would most likely get it instead. she is happy, but would probably be starting november 10, which is looming too close for comfort.

i’m most likely going to give my two weeks notice sometime in the next few days, which is crazy. i just got a pin and a certificate that shows that i have been there for five years. insanity. i always tell people i meant to quit within the first few weeks and just never followed through.

it rains constantly. i love it, i hate it. there are worms out everywhere, covering the sidewalk and even the street. i feel a stupid hero thing where i feel as though i have to rescue every single stupid one or i’m a moderately bad person, but i try to ignore it. i try to tell myself that you can’t save every single thing in the world. lol i guess i’m moderately bad then.

years ago at my aunt’s house in the minnesota countryside, in the barn, i was alone. my mom and aunt were in town, getting groceries or something. there was a kitten that was fading, dying rapidly for seemingly no reason. it was probably around 7 weeks old? i was around 7 or 8 years old, and was so confused and terrified.

my cousin was supposed to be watching me but was upstairs playing video games with his friend. i remember bringing the kitten inside and bundling it up in a towel, as it was growing so cold. i checked its gums, not knowing really what to do. they were so pale. ha, i even brought the kitten back into the barn to its mother, who was an untame feral. in my helplessness, i hoped she would somehow help it. but she wouldn’t come near. i tried giving the kitten water, but it was totally lethargic and wouldn’t drink.

so anyway, the kitten ended up dying within the hour. i was heartbroken. i brought it out to the end of the grove, where a soybean field met the trees. i buried it, still wrapped in the towel, under an oak as the sun set.

i don’t know if i told my mom right away about the kitten. i felt like it was my fault, even at that idiotic age. probably more so than i would now. kids are rather irrational and simplistic about blame i suppose. i held a grudge against my cousin for years for not being there for me.

i think instances in my life like that one kitten have shaped my moral compass rather severely. i had bad anxiety even swimming in my grandma’s pool growing up as i felt the need to rescue drowning insects, feeling like if i failed to try, i was losing sight of the preciousness of even the smallest life.

idk, i think it’s probably some sort of disorder, haha. i wish i was humblebragging or the like, but i actually find this whole quality of mine detrimental instead of helpful in most instances. i am all too ready to let myself suffer emotionally or physically if it means helping someone or something else. i have a terrible perspective on the measure of other lives versus my own. it usually ends up hurting me in the long run. awareness is suffering, existence is pain, yadda yadda yadda. i guess i just feel like if you help, sometimes it’s useless and for nothing. but how do you know until you try? and if i didn’t try, i’d regret it. if i do try, sometimes i regret it too tho. so try, don’t try. who really cares. i’ll probs feel a bit bad no matter what i do. might as well continue trying for the sake of neurotic consistency.

 

i was crushed by the weight of my own ego

life continues at a slow pace. i’ve been waking up at 5 every morning for the last coupla weeks, and staying up late, so the days just freaking drag on and on. i’ve been a little sad lately. i wouldn’t call it depressed. just kind of down. i’m a boat with no rudder, listless, directionless, just floatin’.

brent is travelling to the east coast in a few weeks, to stay at an airbnb and work his new job, basically until we find a house. the realness of moving is slowly setting in. though i still haven’t told my dad. i just don’t know how to. do i just pretend like it’s a mere possibility, introduce the idea slowly, or do i reveal the info immediately the next time i talk to him?

he will take it like bad news. he doesn’t see it from my perspective, he’s not that empathetic. he doesn’t see it as an opportunity. to start anew, to get a new outlook on things. he doesn’t see how much of a rut i’m in. it’s a new place, pretty different. it’s exciting. he will just see the glaringly obvious fact that i’m moving farther away. i get it. i’m a little sad about it too, but every time i visit him, i don’t feel at home anyway. i have no place there. when i’m there, everyone’s life goes on and mine is just at a standstill. everyone’s at work or school or (on the weekends,) living it up on the stupid boat getting mildly drunk and socializing (neither of which am i crazy about).

thomas will be going to KU soon, and will be even busier. so when i go there i will feel even less at home, less of a connection.

idk what to think, as usual. i’ve been trying to get out of some bad habits lately, like consuming vast amounts of caffeine in every form possible, but i fear i will sink into worse habits if i give up my current vices.

i’m an all or nothing person, soo i tend to go a little overboard when i do things. like trying to eat more balanced. i don’t do balanced. i feel like i either eat too much or nothing at all. i play it down for the general public, but when i was younger i had an eating disorder.

i was hospitalized for a few weeks in the kind of place that takes away your shoelaces so you aren’t tempted to string yourself up. it’s a bit of a blur, but i remember sitting with a nutritionist, crying while i ate. lol. it was considered an atypical eating disorder, as it was more like a bad habit of not eating, that i sank deep into until eating became to seem unnecessary, a chore. i also rarely drank anything, so before i was hospitalized i would go in once a week for liquids through an IV.

anyway, the point of this little trip down memory lane is that i am afraid of falling back into old habits like that. the overall point of this rambling is that change and balance are freaking hard af.

she’s a simple girl. she’s governed by simple pleasures

we purchased new appliances for the kitchen. it’s funny, we wanted to redo the kitchen forever ago, but now that we’re moving and selling the place, now we actually find the time and energy to do it. we are getting new counters and having the cabinets painted.

we’re also painting the basement, as the colors were orange and black (giants) previously. it’s almost done. took like three coats of primer to cover the black.

it’s almost sunken in that we are moving. i have only told a couple of people at work that i am leaving eventually. i have not broken the news to my dad yet, and i’m not sure how to. it’s ridiculous. it’s like dealing with telling a kid bad news, i have no idea how mature he is going to be about it.

adam and his girlfriend visited from minneapolis. i really like her. she fits in. she is funny and a little strange, and doesn’t put up with adam’s attitude. i think she is a microbiology major, but initially wanted to be a veterinarian. she recently got a job in a hospital. adam is still dealing with garbage with his whole emt recertification or something, the usual hoop-jumping we all inevitably do to continue living.

we still don’t know where we will be moving to, precisely.. it will all come down to where my mom gets a job. we will probs settle on virginia, as it seems to have larger lots and more wooded areas, lol. plenty of space from the neighbors. reservedness/slight misanthropy seems to run in my family.

and i’m continuing at my usual pace. a little up, down, forward, back. a little bit of bravado, mostly hesitation. mostly i’m filling my time with working on the house. for instance, i spent a solid few hours sorting our dvds by ones to keep and ones to donate to the library. then i got a dvd binder on amazon. then i alphabetized the few hundred left that brent insisted on keeping and put them in the binder. by the time i was almost done, i was getting sloppy with my alphabetizing.

tyler is my half-brother, and his dad’s father died. his dad is a distant bastard, never really involving himself overtly in tyler’s life. explains tyler’s chip on his shoulder. so his grandfather was like the closest thing he had to a good father. for the several months after his stroke, tyler’s grandpa didn’t even remember tyler. as tyler put it, it felt as if he was already gone. but then he went and died, this time for real and forever, and it is all really sad. i don’t know, i guess i’m bad at articulating feelings, but i think it surprised tyler, the way the loss hit him. i bet he didn’t expect he would feel it so sharply. he even said ‘love you too’ to my mom the past few times she talked to him on the phone. shocking stuff.

things continue to go whether i like it or not, so i’m going to continue to go with them i guess. there’s just so much to do. and i don’t want to do any of it. so it’s hard to know where to start. i made a list of dreaded tasks related to moving, and i’m slowly crossing things off. so things continue to go.

 

i don’t know if people realize this, but there are a lot of people in new york city. lots of kinds of people, all living in conditions as close to harmony as we’re likely to ever get. NYC: the epitome of human connection and tranquillity. lol.

i can only ever get photos of my brother if he doesn’t realize i’m taking his photo.

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we stayed at a hotel in manhattan. my brother lived in brooklyn but by the time i’m writing this, should have the keys to a new apartment in manhattan.

he showed us around a lot, using the fact that brent would pay for food to get into nicer restaurants. for some reason one morning, he wanted a full english breakfast, and we wound up going to both of his picks for that option on two different days.

tyler works at an auction house, so gets free access to a few museums in the city. we went to the frick collection, which was started by a man with a lot of money and love for pleasant pictures. we were going to visit the met and guggenheim but ran out of time. we spent too much time walking around gawking at the mundane. we went to central park where i spent a lot of time trying to convince ducks that i was their friend and they could totally trust me to pet them.

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i was amazed at the many, many pigeons. pigeons don’t get enough credit: they’re rather pretty. large and iridescent, with bright orange feet. yeah they’re filthy in their own way, but aren’t we all??? lmao

i saw many dogs and announced each one as it came into view. i even saw a bengal on a leash, which was rather mesmerizing.

we got the hang of taking the subway eventually and with one error in the middle of the night after the giants beat the mets. tyler did really show us around a lot of the time but then finally ended up ditching us to get back to the hotel ourselves one night. it wasn’t too difficult though.

13 innings, ugh. our seats were actually pretty impressive, even to me. they were three rows behind the giants dugout. i wish i could tell some nice story about the game, but half the time i had only a faint idea of what was going on. i did the sports thing and cheered when everyone else cheered. though, i did catch my mom cheering on accident when a giants player failed to catch the ball, so the system isn’t foolproof.

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i know a few simple and random facts i picked up here and there about baseball, but the game itself eludes me for a large part. idk, there was good food. the players wore matching, fetching uniforms. baseball sure is a sport.

the first day we were in the city, i wore the wrong shoes and ended up with a massive blister on my right heel. i guess you never really know what shoes are going to be comfortable until you walk aimlessly for five miles in them.

we went to the statue of liberty and ellis island, which i must say is more depressing than i thought it would be. i mean, i should have realized. it tells a lot about the history of american immigration, which overall isn’t the happiest story if you carry too much melanin in your skin. i mean, yeah, the bad parts don’t negate the good, but the same is true the other way around. overall it was a sad and kind of haunting place. though that could just be me.

e890ee55-25ef-4978-886a-566c7a8a6082while i was there i asked myself over and over whether i would want to live there. the answer i wound up with is that i would probably get used to it. people get used to all sorts of stuff. i mean, yeah there are too many people and the price of rent is a nightmare and it takes forever to get anywhere it seems. but it was nice to visit. i was happy to get home and go grab lucy from the vets. she is worth a million new york cities.

i was kind of in a bad mood while we were in the city. sleeping poorly, waking up frequently in the middle of the night. the last day we were there i didn’t even go with the parents to eat that night, instead opting to walk to a store by myself and grab something to eat there. i was really irritable the whole trip, snapping at stupid moments. i wouldn’t say i ruined the trip, but it feels like i tried.

we found out while we were there that we are most likely moving to the washington d.c. area. my stepdad got the job there. soooo we have that adventure to look forward to i guess. how life twists and turns.

 

 

 

i wonder where my limit lies

we brought lucy to the vet, and her bloodwork was good. she is back to eating normally. she still has problems with stairs, but that is okay.

she is going to board at a pet resort thing while we’re in new york. we’re leaving friday. they monitor the pets 24/7 and give whatever meds the animal needs. they have beds and toys and the dogs get three walks a day if wanted. we don’t even care about the price. it’s paying for peace of mind. even with the resort, it will be scary leaving her behind.

i applied at iowa state. it’s a big school. i’m kind of bummed about it. i don’t want to go there, at all. i suppose i could start with online classes. i don’t really enjoy online classes, not enough interaction with other students and the professor, but i might give it a shot.

my mood has been kind of bad the last few days. i start out the day all hyper and bubbly, and then something in me snaps, and the rest of the day i’m really irritable and high-strung. the littlest things put me on edge. i find myself clenching my jaw a lot.

i ranted to nafees about everything and then apologized. he is too nice though, and said he appreciated me sharing my thoughts. hahaha, i don’t deserve his niceness. i gotta get over that insecurity though.

i really want to meet him. i would even go to pakistan. i was talking to one of my managers this morning, and i asked him where he was from originally, out of curiosity. he is from iran. elaheh, one of my favorite coworkers, is also from iran, i think shiraz maybe?? anyway, obv pakistan shares a border with iran, and though the area i’d plan on going isn’t near the border, i mentioned to my manager that i had an idea to go. he was excited at the idea, and said i should swing through iran too, haha, and that i would enjoy it. i seriously would love that, though i’d be a little nervous as i would probs be by myself or god forbid with my mom.

i shot the pakistan idea past my mom, and she, of course, insisted that she would go with me. i had the urge to scowl. i just want to do something by myself for once. something all my idea, all mine. i don’t need her tagging along my whole life. i know pakistan is different than new york, but she trusted tyler to go there on a whim, with no place to even live for the first few weeks, and so she should trust me. ugh though i gotta admit, it’s not just about trusting me. it’s about trusting the world. it’s a dangerous place. but i figure that’s just part of the package. gotta take the good with the bad, or you get neither. you get nothing out of life.

the biggest fear i have about the journey is rejection. i don’t want nafees to meet me and be like, jk, i don’t think you’re that great. i don’t want to regret going.

if i did go, it would be next year, though i wish i didn’t have to wait that long.

brent may get a job soon, and i want the dust to settle from that before i make any big leaps.

adam is officially living in minneapolis. the couple of times he visited here before he left, i didn’t see him. so i might not see him for a while. oh well, there’s always the phone i suppose. lol as if i’m going to use a phone 😂

yeah, travel halfway around the world to see someone i’ve never met. but use a phone? that’s too much of a commitment.