she wrote the verse to all of his dreams

the last days of the semester are approaching fast. it’s 7:45AM

and now it’s after my first class, around 9. we are just doing our final presentations so i got out early.

i try to explain to my brain that it isn’t a reliable relayer of information. it doesn’t listen to me anymore. my thoughts aren’t my own anymore.

talking to people you don’t even agree with, on anything. bland, benign words. scribbling out first responding thoughts, voicing only lies. is it better to be kind or honest? can one be both? doubt it. but is lying really kind?

i’m split and undecided. the war continues, and both sides spill blood enough to bathe in. i don’t wanna fight. don’t wanna pick sides. we’ll all die anyway, all end up the same rotten relics of our ideals.

was asked about the syrian civil war. shoulders were shrugged. lol. i’m not a freaking expert on war. not a self-styled analyst, war prophet. war profit. besides, sometimes there are only bad choices. and on this, i don’t gotta choose.

can’t wait until westworld season 2 is on.

now it’s around 11:30. i’m doing poorly. skipping class. yet again.

i emailed my teacher, tried a little to explain my predicament. i asked if i should just drop the class and try again for another semester, or if my grade was still viable. this was supposed to be my last semester. my mom keeps bringing graduation up, saying we need to celebrate ’cause both my brother and i are supposed to graduate soon. it’s like a punch to the gut every time she says it.

i’m feeling rather trapped. ah well i’ll get out eventually.

now it’s around 7pm.

in good news, my older bro was offered a fulltime job higher up at the auction house he works at. i’m happy for him, though he lives so far away now what’s the use. plus he ignores my texts.

in sad news my aunt’s mother in law died. it was like she knew she was gonna die that day, she called everyone in her family and was found unresponsive in her chair, with a folder of funeral arrangements and the like on the table beside it. her husband was the one who found her, and tried cpr, and she had a flicker of a heartbeat when the ambulance arrived, but was pronounced dead by the time they reached the hospital. she was a really nice person, and so is her husband. it’s a shame life has to end the way it does.

i’ve never seen the desert before, to be so close to nothing

this one’s a doozy.

it just hit me like a truck while i was trying to fall asleep the other night: i wish i had killed my self years ago. i’ve wasted so much time on earth. i used to think i could be a different person if i was just in a different place. but i’ve lived long enough, and i’ve travelled far enough that i know i will never be able to change.

lol i will never be able to put my family through my suicide tho.

yet i can’t stop thinking about it when each day ends. i’m just tired, i tell myself each night at 1am. do you ever get so tired that suicide seems like the only option. lol i can sleep when i’m dead.

i will probably not kill myself. so who the fuck cares how much pain i am in, right?

sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt, and all that shit, right?

i broke down in the doctor’s office crying when the doc asked if i was okay, after i filled out the stupid depression questionnaire.

i just feel trapped, i told her.

and i do. i feel like a pathetic little animal. like i would rather chew off my own leg than live here. lol.

i love how everyone is okay with how much my life feels like hell, as long as i don’t kill myself and make them feel bad. it isn’t about me, it’s all about them. like people are always saying there are worse things than death, but they don’t believe it. people will say anything to me, all the lies, as long as i don’t make that final step off the edge.

as an abrupt change of subject, we ate indian food after the doctor. it was good and spicy. lol my mom is so oblivious to everything, good for her. she thinks today was a good day.

i would do anything to let everyone remain oblivious in my life. but my resolve is crumbling. i don’t know how much i can keep this shit up. i need to speak to two of my profs and ask them for some sort of leniency for my shit attendance and school-work ethic. the other one is the religion one and since i’m getting more than 100% in that class currently, i’m not too worried.

okay for now i’m done venting to myself. what a great way to end the day: whining.

pick it up, pick it all up and start again

i’m sick again. this winter has been kind of wretched for illness. it started as a sort of tickle in the back of my throat and then it hurt to swallow, then i started coughing. then i couldn’t breathe through my nose, lol. and that’s how i freaking breathe. i couldn’t sleep because of it. i missed a day of class, which sucks, but hey, it will be okay. i don’t wanna sound whiny, but the worst was the feverish, general shitty feeling that comes with being sick.

i’m in a good mood because i don’t work tomorrow. the first sunday off in a few weeks.

well i guess it isn’t a good mood, quite. i actually feel kind of numb. but feeling nothing is better than down in the dumps, just kill me now depression.

and i’m obviously getting better, physical illness-wise. i haven’t been coughing nearly as much; it’s just my sinuses that kind of hurt.

the weather was nice today.

i’m trying not to be down, trying not to think about not having friends, not having anyone other than my parents and siblings to care about me. i don’t know. like, my family’s love is heavy, a burden sometimes. often i think it’s the only reason i keep living, keep aimlessly striving. people say that a burden shared is a burden lifted, or something like that. i don’t really think that’s true at all. ’cause not only then do you have to worry, you worry about the other person worrying. so you just hold on to your burdens and jealously guard them against anyone who would try to take them away. i don’t know who i would be without this weight on my shoulders anyway.

on a bright side, ava is being really friendly lately. she lets all of us pet her, and when i go into the kitchen to cook she will often follow me in and meow at me. she likes the rug in the dining room, and if you walk over to it she will often follow, and roll around to receive pets. i don’t know what it is, but she’s really coming around to us. she is still a little skittish, but you can tell she at least has a fondness for us. she likes to lay on the back of the couch, behind where i’m always sitting. i love her so much and feel really grateful to have her.

i remember when ava was still a feral cat living outside, me and my mom were walking lucy in the dead of winter, and we spotted her sitting on a manhole cover for warmth. she looked so forlorn and cold, meowing at us with her raspy little voice, that my heart seriously broke a bit. it was hard because i never thought we could help her much, i thought that she would probably die out there one day, somehow, in the cold world, alone. that we have her with us now is amazing to me. i mean, yeah, i’m an easy crier, so this doesn’t mean much, but i could seriously tear up thinking about how lucky we are to have ava and the kittens. lol, and ari, of course.

and lucy is eternal, so i feel like she goes without mentioning.

ok, enough waxing poetic about pets. i’m going to try to sleep.

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you can never tell if your center stage is thin as glass, and never meant a thing

my mom had influenza last week, i didn’t get it luckily but i slept like garbage and so felt terrible anyway. and then i get stressed out ’cause i miss class over it and then my mind immediately thinks, fuck, i’m gonna fail this class. sooo it’s been a rollercoaster, and not of love.

world religion is funny, ’cause i just kind of repeat my “lol, i don’t know, don’t care if i know, i will live my life the same way anyway” and everyone else is so much more concrete, set in their dogmatic principles, and i just know that i don’t know. i gotta study tomorrow. we have a test tuesday, and i wanna start out the semester with a bang, a good kind of one. i need a win right now.

lol, when even my therapist is worried about me and texting me to check on me, it’s kind of serious i guess. i feel better than i did last week i suppose, but things are kind of slippery still.

i applied for graduation, which is neat. i am not going to the commencement thing, ’cause my dad won’t be there and he’s the only one i know who cares about all the pomp and circumstance of graduation ceremonies, so there’s no point. he’s gonna be in playa del carmen, probs stupid and happy and drunk. i hope so. he deserves a vacation, where he doesn’t have to worry. isn’t it kind of sad tho, that he needs one? i don’t ever remember him taking one either, unless to visit and pay homage to his parents.

i want a vacation, from life. just a light to no coma. a heavy sleep.

on that happy note….  .

 

 

so i guess i’ll just act bored instead

i’m home!

well i’ve been home for about a week.

i cleaned my room really well when i got home, emptied my suitcase, hung up all my clean clothes. it’s not a huge deal, but my room was a mess, with papers in it from two semesters ago. i felt rather accomplished.

my mom got a robotic vacuum for christmas. we named it bunny, as in dust bunny. it vacuumed my room for me. the future is here. my mom has it vacuum every day. it likes to get caught on the outer hearth of the fireplace, making a loud beeping sound when it can’t roll away.

i also picked out clothes i wanna get rid of, bring to goodwill or something.

it’s 1:45AM, i woke up around half an hour ago. now that i’m home i’m back to going to bed early, waking up early. at my grandparents’, it was the opposite. i can’t handle their crazy schedule of going to bed around midnight every freaking night. it’s like guys, i have to wake up in a few hours. they just don’t understand.

liz sent me more photos she had taken of physical photos at my grandparents house, which is such a weirdly low-tech-high-tech way of saving pictures, i know, but my grandma doesn’t have a scanner.

this is one of my favorite pics, because it is of both thomas, my brother, and my favorite dog my grandma ever had, keta:

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i loved keta. i remember being really really jealous of my cousin once because my grandma took her picture with keta and not me. i was livid. i was like five, and i had a full-blown tantrum over that. keta was the bomb.

the sky was so light when i woke up i thought it was later, but it’s not, so i’ll probably try to fall asleep on the couch.

our cat ava is playing with an ornament: a popsicle stick painted red that says joy on it. we still haven’t taken down the tree. the cats have been pretty good with it, though they love when we put fresh water in the base, they think it’s for them to drink out of.

now that i look closer at the sky i see it’s cloudy, no stars, and that eerie orange color. i don’t know how to describe it but i associate it with winter and snow. i should sleep.

i don’t know why i’m such an insomniac half the time. i try to stay asleep but every small thing wakes me up. our dog sleeps in my room so she’s used to getting up later in the night and coming downstairs. oh well, she insists on eating breakfast in a few hours anyway.


and now it’s around 6:45. i slept the rest of the night away, mom fed lucy and walked her. i’m back down on the couch again.

watching ava circle the base of the xmas tree, looking for a nice angle to drink the gross tree water, i’m somehow reminded of something from a long time ago.

my aunt used to live on an acreage, and she had a few barn cats that were friendly. i remember one of them, a black and white tom-cat, liked to follow people around when they were outside, and he was following me around on that particular day, and i was climbing trees. i picked a pine near the end of the driveway, a nice tall one, a good vantage point to see whether anyone was coming. i was probably 10 or 11 years old then.

well i zipped up the pine with the stupid unthinking vigor of youth, and was watching the road for cars, when i heard a meow from behind me. i turned around, and in the next tree, looking dumb and calm, was that damned cat. i remember he was purring super loud, like totally proud of himself, his tail high. he started walking towards me on the thinnest of branches, and of course it started bowing down under his weight, and so i grabbed him, and carefully climbed down the tree with him. i inspected the tree the cat had climbed. he must of had to run half up the thing, it had no branches near the bottom of the trunk. so, stupid cat, or smart cat? i never know with cats. and it is that guessing that i like about them. i try to cultivate that same kind of mystique. stupid sarah, or smart sarah? i seriously may never know the answer to either.

well, it’s 7 and the sun is rising. i have nothing to do today. tomorrow i’m getting up similarly early (at 5), to participate in our store’s annual inventory. it’s fun. lol, i swear, ever year i do it, and every year i tell myself that the next year i won’t work it. and yet every year i do it… i’m going back to sleep again.

 

i don’t care what the future holds, ’cause i’m right here, and i’m today

me and my dad looked at old pictures tonight, i called myself a nerd over and over. the past was simpler, though, possibly.

here’s me and the original oliver, who was my grandma’s cat, first named tiger until i started calling him oliver over and over until the name stuck:

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i really don’t wanna forget about shandar, who is the dark tabby in this picture. he died years ago, at age 22:

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getting a santa stocking drawn on one cheek and a helicopter temporary tattoo on the other, a combo that makes no sense, stylin’ as always with my cowlick and a self-cut chunk out of my bangs:
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judging by the outfit this is right after seeing santa.

 

 

looking like an out of focus, un-self-conscious weirdo at my birthday party:

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and then there’s thomas as a kid, pretending to read the bible, looking angelic. it’s ‘ironic’ as he said, ’cause he’s pretty irreligious now. aren’t we all.

 

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here’s my dad and thomas, right before my dad had his right eye removed from melanoma. this was 2001, i think.

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i’ve just got loads of pictures now. blast from the past, yo.

then today i took some random pictures and videos of cats, because i was at joey and cari’s house and they have three.

this is one, aptly named kitty:

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this is pogo:

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for some reason i didn’t get a pic of caspar, who is the most friendly of the cats and the grey one grooming himself here:

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they also have a rabbit named peanut:

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i was honestly too scared of dropping her to hold her. she is huge and gorgeous tho.

 

on the way over there, i took a video of downtown dell rapids, which is sorta cute:

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my dad found a panda mask.

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and that is all. tomorrow i’m headed home in the morning. i didn’t get everything done i wanted, it’s really really cold out (currently -7°F), but i had as good of a time as i could expect. better, even.

oh, and for xmas i got two shirts, one with a stormtrooper and AT-AT in starry night fashion, and a shirt from thomas of bart simpson drinking a super squishee.  i love them both. i also got some money, which is always nice. i’m a lucky person.

i will be happy to be going home, but i feel good about my trip.

glad for the old days, but glad they’re gone, too. even if they never really are, ha.

 

who starts a fire just to let it go out?

today’s gonna be a long rambling day. this’ll be a long rambling post.

we went to a stupid movie called downsizing. i laughed at the moments that i think were supposed to be moving or something else. it wasn’t the worst movie i’d ever been to, but i think it was a waste of the money it cost to see it.

kelsi, my sister, met us there with her girlfriend lexi. tho my dad referred to her as her friend, after a little pause, lmao. like it’s a sensitive subject that needs to be tiptoed around. it kind of disappointed me, to be honest. once, my dad said he sometimes wished i had grown up living with him, to see how different i’d be. as if how i am now is somehow not enough for him. this whole thing with kels reminded me of that.

kelsi is technically my half-sister. her stepdad adopted her. he does more for her than her biological mom, who is an alcoholic. even though her mom didn’t want my dad in her life, he always kind of has been, though more than him, my grandparents always wanted to be a part of her life. i appreciate that about them, but once she came out, they turned on her, i feel.. she had her girlfriend over to their house while they were gone, and they got in a huge fight, and she moved out soon after. i kind of hate them for that.

so we met in the parking lot of the theater and gave her the xmas gifts, and then went and watched the movie.

my family is like a weird soap opera, i think.

also went to see nichole at the hospital. we all posed with her for photos, huddled around her, grinning, and then our faces falling a bit and moving away once the picture-taking was over. she broke her clavicle in three places, which is supposed to be like really painful. she also fractured a shoulder and legit broke the other, fractured her tibia, and et cetera with the broken bones. but her pain meds must be helping, ’cause she’s in good spirits, i think.

my grandma confessed the other night that nichole had been drinking the night she was in the accident. but we’re all supposed to pretend otherwise, lol. i suspected it deep down, but to hear it was disappointing.

i don’t know why grandma lied about nichole’s drinking to my dad and liz, why she always lies about stupid things. i feel like pretending everything’s okay and nichole was just swerving to hit a deer is just enabling nichole. my grandparents would do anything for nichole and her brother robbie, just like they often forget about me and thomas. i guess it’s just out of sight, out of mind.

now i’m partly watching the wizard of oz, drinking a glass of water, and listening to music. multitasking. waiting until it is socially acceptable to go to bed.

well, we still have to open presents later. i don’t know what anyone got me. i hate not knowing. i wanna know exactly how disappointed i’ll be, haha. no, seriously tho, i just like knowing secrets like that. plus i hate opening gifts in front of everyone. it’s so awkward. i’m not an emotive person usually, so acting surprised and excited feels so exaggerated and fake to me, and i hope my acting is good enough so it doesn’t come across that way to others.

my usual state is dry, sub-par wit and irony. but people expect you to be almost sickeningly unironic on christmas. i am grateful, i really am (#blessed), but pure unadulterated joy and thankfulness doesn’t come easily to me. what can i say? i would rather watch others open gifts than have them watch me. i could recieve a million dollars as a gift and i would probably still be so awkward and kind of lying when i said “i love it!”

i guess what i’m really trying to say is that i am a grinch who wishes christmas was just a casual holiday, like presidents day or something.

i don’t know how to feel on days like today. they really grate on me. i love my family, but i don’t like them. they’re loud, they’re brash, they always seem to get in fights with one another. i’m annoyed by stupid little things they do, they make me feel like my worst self. plus they’ve never believed in me, and i’ve obviously believed in them, as every fucking time, i think this place would be different: they might have grown, changed, as i have. but no..

yet i’ll always come back. the moral of the story is that i am stupid.

tomorrow i really wanna go downtown and take some photos of stuff, but i doubt i will. it’s just so cold outside. the high for tomorrow is going to be like 4 degrees F. plus we’re supposed to be going to my uncle joey’s house for lunch? dinner? something. that’s out in the countryside. it’ll be weird. if not, i shall make it so.

and now it’s almost 12:30AM…time got away from me. i took a shower, brushed my teeth. now i’m going to sleep. oh who am i kidding, i will probably lie awake forever.

the other night, i couldn’t stop staring at the slit of light between the door and the frame, fixated on it before i went to sleep. then the next night it was the rainbow waves of colors on the blinds from the christmas lights outside. tonight it’ll be something else.