a night in search of a day

my mom’s friend from work is raising 5 kittens whose mom was hit by a car. they are about 4 weeks old now. so like the good person my mom is, she offered to take two to foster. but after my mom’s friend took care of them for a couple of days, she decided she would be okay feeding them on her own. i was sort of disappointed. i love taking care of kittens. it’s hard because you have to feed them every few hours, but it is so rewarding to see them grow and thrive so quickly.

the packing process continues. my stepdad left for DC yesterday. he won’t be back to iowa most likely as a resident. it’s up to me and my mom to take care of everything. stressful..

my mom has a job interview on wednesday in virginia at a hospital. the downside of it is that it wouldn’t be a federal job and if she ever wanted to go back into the VA system she would have to jump through the same hoops that she had at the beginning. the upside is that it isn’t a VA hospital. a big no offence, but veterans have a tendency to be rather…demanding. there are a lot of vietnam war-age veterans who are totally bigoted: racist, sexist; drug & alcohol addicted. also, most importantly, they are often non-compliant with treatment. you would think they would take orders better. the vets aren’t all bad obviously, but often a bad impression can overwhelm a bunch of good ones. just like most people meet one good veteran and assume all of them are heroes deserving of the utmost regard. in reality, like every group, veterans are quite a mixed bag.

the current political situation in the US has me cynical and irritated. where i’m usually non-confrontational, i just want to yell at someone about it all.

my stepdad voted for trump, and i’m not even mad. i’m just deeply disappointed. i want to blame him and people like him: the rich, the sheltered. the self-serving, privileged, persecution-complex riddled few who doublethink things like love thy neighbour and deport all immigrants without mercy.

what the fuck kind of thoughts even go through their minds? ‘jesus loves, jesus saves, so i sure as hell don’t have to????!’

i get tired of trying to be the bigger person and forgive people when i don’t even follow an ideology that goes on and on about it. and it hurts, because i forgive others for things i would never let slide when it comes to me. it feels unfair of me.

obviously i’m not perfect, but at least i’m self-aware enough to see my flaws, where certain other people just seem to glide through life without a stress in the world about their actions or inactions. i sometimes believe that people should be constantly in a state of cognitive dissonance, they should be torn on what the right thing to do is, all the time. there should be no hard and fast rules to cheat your way through life on. life, as complex and multi-layered as it is, should not be simple, no matter how much we all wish it were sometimes.

 

 

 

 

 

 

killing it with close inspection. killing it can only make it worse, it sort of makes it breed

i’m avoiding my mom. haven’t talked to her or even seen her since she came home. what’s the point? she’s not going to apologize, and i’m not going to apologize. not this time. i always end up apologizing to people just to get rid of the whole situation. i take the blame. i remember when i was little, and i learned the word scapegoat. i remember thinking, ‘that’s me’. i just let the blame rain down on me. i was once literally told that i had ruined christmas. lolol. and i was what, 12? and i believed it for the longest time, that i was the bad kid, the troubled child. fuck, i still half believe it. and now i’m the bad adult, the troubled adult. i miss being a troubled child. no….. i don’t. back then when people told me what i was, i believed them. no matter how terrible or contrary to reality it was. and although their words still echo through my head forever, i’m believing the words less and less.

still, i have that stupid feeling where tears are just beneath the surface. like if anyone asked me if i was okay, i would start bawling. i am okay though. i’m totally okay. this too shall pass.

i’ve never seen the desert before, to be so close to nothing

this one’s a doozy.

it just hit me like a truck while i was trying to fall asleep the other night: i wish i had killed my self years ago. i’ve wasted so much time on earth. i used to think i could be a different person if i was just in a different place. but i’ve lived long enough, and i’ve travelled far enough that i know i will never be able to change.

lol i will never be able to put my family through my suicide tho.

yet i can’t stop thinking about it when each day ends. i’m just tired, i tell myself each night at 1am. do you ever get so tired that suicide seems like the only option. lol i can sleep when i’m dead.

i will probably not kill myself. so who the fuck cares how much pain i am in, right?

sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt, and all that shit, right?

i broke down in the doctor’s office crying when the doc asked if i was okay, after i filled out the stupid depression questionnaire.

i just feel trapped, i told her.

and i do. i feel like a pathetic little animal. like i would rather chew off my own leg than live here. lol.

i love how everyone is okay with how much my life feels like hell, as long as i don’t kill myself and make them feel bad. it isn’t about me, it’s all about them. like people are always saying there are worse things than death, but they don’t believe it. people will say anything to me, all the lies, as long as i don’t make that final step off the edge.

as an abrupt change of subject, we ate indian food after the doctor. it was good and spicy. lol my mom is so oblivious to everything, good for her. she thinks today was a good day.

i would do anything to let everyone remain oblivious in my life. but my resolve is crumbling. i don’t know how much i can keep this shit up. i need to speak to two of my profs and ask them for some sort of leniency for my shit attendance and school-work ethic. the other one is the religion one and since i’m getting more than 100% in that class currently, i’m not too worried.

okay for now i’m done venting to myself. what a great way to end the day: whining.

and if love is a drug, i don’t want it, because i don’t have any self control

it’s midnight and i’m in the basement because it’s thundering a tiny bit and lucy is afraid.

i had the usual dream that has become rather unusual as my mind tries to buck away from its habitual obsessions to focus on new ones. the old ones, the old dreams are rare now, and made more precious because of it. also more poisonous.

i’m walking through a party, because i know you’re there. but you’ve left. i look everywhere, and you’re gone. you just left the room. you just turned the corner. it’s like a maze of other people smiling and laughing, and me, alone, looking for you. this time i don’t wind up outside in the snow and stars, the dream doesn’t reach this sad crescendo. it just ends with me realizing you’re not there, not anywhere near me.

the dream is a bit on the nose, lol. real life occasionally mirrors it. i find myself at get-togethers, too afraid to be obvious, to ask if you’re there. so i just wander, looking for you..and of course you’re never there. you’re somewhere else, living a different life. i guess i have to accept that.

the last time i saw you i was a different person with a different agenda, a different heart, a different mind. i didn’t know much about anything outside myself. i don’t even know who you are anymore, and i don’t know who, or how, to ask. i don’t even know why i held on to you in my mind, why i ever found comfort in thoughts of star-crossed love, brought to fruition. that path is gone. it’s dead, with all the others. i guess my mind just hasn’t caught up to reality, which is definitely a theme brought up in my life over and over.

sometimes i feel as though i don’t belong in reality anyway. i’ve spent some time apart and i don’t think it lives up to the hype. oh well. as everyone in my life keeps saying, it is what it is. and there is something so final and concrete about that, that i wanna fight it, because honestly that’s my place, i think, fighting things, ideas, concepts, truths. i sometimes just want to ignore the truth so i don’t have to fight it or accept it fully, but that never works for long. something always reminds me of you and i’m back on the stupid, gaudy, rococo train of thought that i’m pretty sure is love, and though everyone’s always spouting on about it, it is the saddest, most futile thing i’ve ever witnessed myself engaging in. so, as some wise, eloquent, probably long dead person said, that sucks.

and unfortunately i’ve found myself agreeing with the naysayers.

i’m here, and you’re merely a gesture in some vague direction to me. that’s how far apart we are, in body and mind. so yeah, sarah, give up, give in. this idea you hold is dead and you’re just sadly, obstinately oblivious to it half the time. and the other half you’re in mourning for it. just let go.

it is what it is.

have you ever had the feeling when you just don’t wanna breathe


IMB_DsInOV

don’t try to be anything basically. skill or creativity. just cuz you’re unique doesn’t mean you’re useful. just because something requires skill doesn’t mean it’s worth doing. that’s like everything. let’s all just lie in the grass and die. oh wait the grass is dead too? dry cold and scratchy? well might as well do whatever, live however, ’cause we’re all just kind of stuck on this marble, whether we know it or not.

an unknown bass jolts around me. i’m listening to an unrelated song through earbuds. im on my way to dell rapids. another hour? another hour. i’m runnin on coffee still. it’s ’bout 10:45pm.

whenever i’m confronted with a new instance of waiting i realize i could wait forever, that in fact I’ve been waiting all along.

a night landscape pair of eyes, all darkness and stupid stumbling in them. a feeling of fear, wanting to hide in some light.

dressed in noncommittal shades of grey, under a blush pink parka. A shirt with a feline grim reaper: ‘meow you must die’ swirling around it.

staring into the abyss of the sky. a spotlight glances dimly off the clouds. looking for a god? none to be found.

the way to meet in avoca was nice. once there, me and brent ate at a diner. i had a veggie omelette, no mushrooms. he had a slice of pie. then like forever later my dad, liz and thomas showed up. and the rest is basically just as mundane. greetings, farewells, and shivering in the cold. then leaving, and more stupid road.

molly finally settled down. their dog, a puggle. she spent an hour looking up at me, whining. she loves seeing people she hasn’t seen in a while.  dumb adoration, returned. i was actually a little worried about her she was so beside herself.

so my cousin’s car accident was apparently pretty bad. she swerved to miss a deer. they always say to just hit it if you have to, that it won’t be as bad for you. how do you judge if you have to tho? i’d probs swerve, in the moment, every time. im dumb like that. nichole was too this time. the truck rolled three times. she’s lucky to be alive. she will probably be in the hospital another several weeks. life is weird in the way it’s a complete bitch sometimes. the deer has not been heard from.

lol molly is back to whining at me.

and we are suddenly there.

grandma’s dogs patty and bella greet us with their barks. patty is a sleek grey weimaraner, bella is a black lab, pitbull mix. they’re both strays that wandered into my grandma’s life, so i’m basically guessing on bella’s heritage. though patty has the typical nervous, taut disposition of a weimeraner, because she is one. she’s so attached to my grandma, it’s eerie.

my grandma seems as ever-moving, busy as always. my grandpa looks like he is fading, bleeding color, seemingly unnoticed by everyone around him. i’m not being callously poetic, looking at him makes me feel deeply sad. his oxygen can be heard hissing, “breathing”, throughout the house.

okay.

it’s about 1:20 in the morn’. i’m done, i’m going to bed. i will have the designated “front bedroom”, called so because it is at the front of the house. it’s just like being a child again except my nerves are buzzing and i have heartburn.

all i’ve forgotten to take from home are face wipes, which is a pain but liveable. i’m brushing my teeth, washing my face the old fashioned way, and going to bed. well actually i’ll probs wait til everyone else is in bed, then sneak around. i feel weirdly shy and kind of uneasy. so it’s a typical 1:30 in the morning for me, really.

 

music is my dead end, music’s my imaginary friend

the god of small things bookity-book is coming to a close. no spoilers here.

class is a few weeks from being done. i’m not complaining. it’s been a difficult semester to stay engaged in, despite liking the classes and wanting to succeed. i just couldn’t, completely. ohs wells. c’est la vie. it is what it is. just accept it and move on.

i’m not sure what i’m gonna be doing for xmas. i haven’t heard from my dad. lol, i guess i haven’t called him either. so i might be going to lawrence, might be staying here. probably staying here. i wish i could go to my dad’s and stay there for like a week, but i would regret it once i got there. i just don’t know how to fit into their family. the dynamic is all off with me there. like they fight too much, argue about stupid things. i hate it. i need harmony. thomas is able to ignore it pretty well, because he is cooped up in his room playing dota or whatever the kids are up to these days. i don’t know.

plus i just have crap i have to deal with here. i’m a mess, literally and figuratively.

i’m mad about everything deep down. just plain angry. and when i’m mad, i cry. talk about emotional unintelligence.

i’ve been trying to make friends at school, playing the classic sarah jokester persona. where everything’s entertaining, life is a farce. it works surprisingly well. but i’m a sucker at committing. once we’re facebook friends, i’m unlikely to make direct contact ever again. lol, i’ll like your status, but i won’t physically talk to you ever again. unless i run into you, accidentally. then i’ll be delighted. life is full of happy accidents. most people are forgettable to me, while remaining completely unforgettable. i choose to forget, i make myself forget. because i just assume most people (all people) don’t care about me as much as i care about them. the lie i tell myself is that i don’t care, that i actually hate people. but most of them, i like. but deep down i’m that invisible little girl still. so i close my eyes in kind, and i don’t see them either.

i don’t wanna let this dark companion go

i just want peace and harmony. kinda hard in this world. peace and harmony are things people invented to keep complacent. something to hope for. living for the weekend, and all that.

i’m not doing well. i just keep reaching for things that aren’t there. a strength i don’t have. an understanding i don’t possess.

i keep self-medicating, self-censoring. don’t want the crazy to slip out. i want help, but don’t wanna be a burden to my family. plus i’m always afraid of people knowing i need help. like they will think less of me, or worse, they just won’t care.

i just want to sleep all the time, i’m obsessed with the idea of being asleep while awake. while awake i also do practically nothing, struggling to focus on studying or anything, really.

then i sleep like shit. last night it felt like every time i tossed or turned, i woke up.

i have this picture by my desk, it’s called hope, by george frederic watts. it’s supposedly the same one nelson mandela had in his cell. it’s a simple symbolist painting, and though i usually prefer pretty abstract shapes to actual meaning, i like this one. it’s a blind woman listening to the last string of a lyre. its me, lol. so dramatic, yea, as always. but it’s what i feel. how could i let go of my emotions, even when they’re ridiculous?

i feel like i’m on the last string. and the sound is starting to ring out hollow.

i don’t have enough focus anymore to center in on the little important details. i don’t know what to do. i’m lost, i’m alone. but i don’t think anyone can help me, but me anyway, so i guess i have what i need.