i need something bigger than the sky. hold it in my arms and know it’s mine

it’s 7:30am. i’ve been awake since 2:50 because i’m stupid and i thought to myself that it was close enough to daylight to get up. soo like the diva i aspire to be, i put on makeup and did my hair, twiddled my thumbs for a couple of hours, and around 4:45 fed and walked lucy. she has been doing good. still won’t go upstairs, though we haven’t really tried because we don’t want to stress her out. we definitely know it’s her sight tho, so that’s not too bad. she gets around fine, no mobility issues otherwise. plus she’s been eating well, her weight is steady. i’m rationalizing tho. she’s pretty old and will die eventually. i really hope it isn’t this year though. selfish of me, but i wouldn’t be able to handle her death and moving and everything together. i don’t ever want to have to handle her death though 😦

we have her bed in the living room now instead of in my room, and have still been taking turns sleeping on the couch every night. lol the cats lay on her bed all the time. as soon as she gets up from it, ari pops up out of nowhere and goes and lays on it. annoyingly for lucy, ari also likes to lay behind the chair in the exact place lucy likes to lay. i think he’s just obsessed with her. as everyone should be.

i wish i knew what lucy was like as a puppy. we’ve had her since she was three.

i don’t have much planned for today. i’m going to clean and pack more. my mom is home so we will probably end up shopping.

lol my bro adam texted me for once, sending good vibes my way. don’t know what the hell is the matter with him. he might be dying.

man, i scrolled through my twitter feed earlier. it is mostly composed of journalists and satirists and the kind of people who swarm around wars and try to make sense of them. i love it. it is stupid chaos, which is fun, but can be overwhelming after a short time.

ooh and i bought a book called “And Then God Created The Middle East and Said ‘Let There Be Breaking News'” by karl sharro.

it’s pretty damn funny. i’ve been trying to find more reasons to laugh at the world. it can be difficult.

she’s a simple girl. she’s governed by simple pleasures

we purchased new appliances for the kitchen. it’s funny, we wanted to redo the kitchen forever ago, but now that we’re moving and selling the place, now we actually find the time and energy to do it. we are getting new counters and having the cabinets painted.

we’re also painting the basement, as the colors were orange and black (giants) previously. it’s almost done. took like three coats of primer to cover the black.

it’s almost sunken in that we are moving. i have only told a couple of people at work that i am leaving eventually. i have not broken the news to my dad yet, and i’m not sure how to. it’s ridiculous. it’s like dealing with telling a kid bad news, i have no idea how mature he is going to be about it.

adam and his girlfriend visited from minneapolis. i really like her. she fits in. she is funny and a little strange, and doesn’t put up with adam’s attitude. i think she is a microbiology major, but initially wanted to be a veterinarian. she recently got a job in a hospital. adam is still dealing with garbage with his whole emt recertification or something, the usual hoop-jumping we all inevitably do to continue living.

we still don’t know where we will be moving to, precisely.. it will all come down to where my mom gets a job. we will probs settle on virginia, as it seems to have larger lots and more wooded areas, lol. plenty of space from the neighbors. reservedness/slight misanthropy seems to run in my family.

and i’m continuing at my usual pace. a little up, down, forward, back. a little bit of bravado, mostly hesitation. mostly i’m filling my time with working on the house. for instance, i spent a solid few hours sorting our dvds by ones to keep and ones to donate to the library. then i got a dvd binder on amazon. then i alphabetized the few hundred left that brent insisted on keeping and put them in the binder. by the time i was almost done, i was getting sloppy with my alphabetizing.

tyler is my half-brother, and his dad’s father died. his dad is a distant bastard, never really involving himself overtly in tyler’s life. explains tyler’s chip on his shoulder. so his grandfather was like the closest thing he had to a good father. for the several months after his stroke, tyler’s grandpa didn’t even remember tyler. as tyler put it, it felt as if he was already gone. but then he went and died, this time for real and forever, and it is all really sad. i don’t know, i guess i’m bad at articulating feelings, but i think it surprised tyler, the way the loss hit him. i bet he didn’t expect he would feel it so sharply. he even said ‘love you too’ to my mom the past few times she talked to him on the phone. shocking stuff.

things continue to go whether i like it or not, so i’m going to continue to go with them i guess. there’s just so much to do. and i don’t want to do any of it. so it’s hard to know where to start. i made a list of dreaded tasks related to moving, and i’m slowly crossing things off. so things continue to go.

 

i fell in love with a war. nobody told me it ended

last night i slept in the living room with lucy because she won’t climb the stairs. well more like can’t. her sight is too bad.

tonight it’s the same. it makes me extremely sad.

i don’t know what to do about anything. i’m in a rut that i doubt i will get out of for a good while. i barely work anymore because i assumed i was going to be starting school again soon. so much for that. and now that i’m moving, i may have to wait even longer, because out-of-state tuition is often crazy for state schools and i doubt at this point i could get into a good private school. the only thing i have going for me is a high ACT score and that doesn’t even make a dent in my terrible school record. i am already looking at schools, but i am just getting ahead of myself because the immediate future looks so shitty/scary to me. i honestly just want to bury my head in the sand. i am so frustrated and sad tonight, with everything.

i don’t even know what i’m crying about anymore. i’m just going to try and read or watch something. or maybe i’ll just try to sleep. yeah.

 

i built your walls around me

well i was accepted to iowa state. lol i figured i would be. they would probably accept a corpse if it was able to get student loans. i guess i’m happy. i had to decide to be though.

we are going to board lucy at the vet we usually go to instead of the resort thing. we know them and know for sure we can trust them.

tomorrow at 7am we’re flying to NYC. i like planes. well, they’re not the most glamorous things. ugh and anywhere sucks if you spend more than a few hours just sitting there. i think we have a connecting flight through either minneapolis or chicago. lol i should probably figure that out. i didn’t get the tickets, this wasn’t my idea.

we’re going to a baseball game of course. yankees against the giants perhaps? i should probably figure that out too. my first live baseball game, ever. i prefer teeball. i find the frequency in which the children miss the ball sitting stationary in front of them hilarious. i think baseball would be hilarious if the players were much less athletically gifted. more relatable.

i’m not as psyched as i should be about this trip. i’ve been there before, and it was neat, but i’m just not in an excitable mood. it’ll probably hit me when we get there, hopefully like a train. i want something exciting. lately, i’ve just been feeling really off-kilter. i think it’s just anxiety. something feels wrong and i’ve been especially agitated.

i’m proud though, that i’m actually slowly reading a book. i wanna gain back that part of myself. the sarah who had to have her books taken away from her at night so she wouldn’t stay up and read. the sarah who used to read three books at once. the cool sarah, haha. sarah, the insufferable nerd. yeah. imma stop talking about myself in the third person now.

i am pushing off vacuuming the house again. i just vacuumed last week. i don’t want to. but i said i would, so here we go.

 

 

i wonder where my limit lies

we brought lucy to the vet, and her bloodwork was good. she is back to eating normally. she still has problems with stairs, but that is okay.

she is going to board at a pet resort thing while we’re in new york. we’re leaving friday. they monitor the pets 24/7 and give whatever meds the animal needs. they have beds and toys and the dogs get three walks a day if wanted. we don’t even care about the price. it’s paying for peace of mind. even with the resort, it will be scary leaving her behind.

i applied at iowa state. it’s a big school. i’m kind of bummed about it. i don’t want to go there, at all. i suppose i could start with online classes. i don’t really enjoy online classes, not enough interaction with other students and the professor, but i might give it a shot.

my mood has been kind of bad the last few days. i start out the day all hyper and bubbly, and then something in me snaps, and the rest of the day i’m really irritable and high-strung. the littlest things put me on edge. i find myself clenching my jaw a lot.

i ranted to nafees about everything and then apologized. he is too nice though, and said he appreciated me sharing my thoughts. hahaha, i don’t deserve his niceness. i gotta get over that insecurity though.

i really want to meet him. i would even go to pakistan. i was talking to one of my managers this morning, and i asked him where he was from originally, out of curiosity. he is from iran. elaheh, one of my favorite coworkers, is also from iran, i think shiraz maybe?? anyway, obv pakistan shares a border with iran, and though the area i’d plan on going isn’t near the border, i mentioned to my manager that i had an idea to go. he was excited at the idea, and said i should swing through iran too, haha, and that i would enjoy it. i seriously would love that, though i’d be a little nervous as i would probs be by myself or god forbid with my mom.

i shot the pakistan idea past my mom, and she, of course, insisted that she would go with me. i had the urge to scowl. i just want to do something by myself for once. something all my idea, all mine. i don’t need her tagging along my whole life. i know pakistan is different than new york, but she trusted tyler to go there on a whim, with no place to even live for the first few weeks, and so she should trust me. ugh though i gotta admit, it’s not just about trusting me. it’s about trusting the world. it’s a dangerous place. but i figure that’s just part of the package. gotta take the good with the bad, or you get neither. you get nothing out of life.

the biggest fear i have about the journey is rejection. i don’t want nafees to meet me and be like, jk, i don’t think you’re that great. i don’t want to regret going.

if i did go, it would be next year, though i wish i didn’t have to wait that long.

brent may get a job soon, and i want the dust to settle from that before i make any big leaps.

adam is officially living in minneapolis. the couple of times he visited here before he left, i didn’t see him. so i might not see him for a while. oh well, there’s always the phone i suppose. lol as if i’m going to use a phone 😂

yeah, travel halfway around the world to see someone i’ve never met. but use a phone? that’s too much of a commitment.

now i gotta wait around and watch you burn so bright

i wasn’t accepted at the school i really wanted to attend. i’m not going to let this ruin my day or week though. they jerked me around forever deciding whether to accept me with my shaky past, and i felt like shit for it. i feel like i’m in limbo again, but i’m not going to cry over this. there are other schools. i’ll be okay.

my mom said it might be for the best as we’re sort of in limbo about moving, too. it all depends if my stepdad lands a job. so if i started school and then they moved, that would suck. he has interviews lined up in minneapolis and washington d.c.

out of the two i would like to live in minneapolis more, because my little bro is about to move up there. plus it’s just a nice city. but d.c. is like 4 hours from nyc, and that’s where my other brother lives. so either one would be cool.

the only annoyance i really have pertains to my dad, as he will be upset if he hears i’m moving. i haven’t spoken to him in a while. not on purpose. it’s not like he’s called me either. i am just really distracted from everything. i feel like i’m being pulled in a few different directions at once. i don’t know what the future holds at this point.

my mood’s been kind of all over the place lately, with everything. it’s up, then it’s down, then it’s up again. tiny things, little words change my entire perspective.

 

i’ll still see you in everything

tl; dr: i’m sad but it’s all okay. lol why didn’t i just type that to begin with. could’ve saved myself so much time.

 

i try not to say too much to people sometimes, because i’m terrified, honestly, of saying something i’ll regret. saying something wrong. even online, i kick myself sometimes for speaking up to people in forums. i am really rather opinionated, about all sorts of dumb things, but half the time people wouldn’t know it because i don’t say anything.

i have not yet regretted staying silent, but i have regretted things i have said. not to say that there’s anything wrong with standing up for what you believe in. i’m just obsessed with being right, so what if later on i find out my thought process was flawed, or i was just flat out wrong in what i said? i can’t continuously issue retractions and clarifications on things i have said. i’d look like a constantly erroneous idiot. like our president, for instance. though i couldn’t actually see he who must not be named admitting he was wrong or restating things in a clear, intelligible manner. what was it he said, again? covfefe? lol, it will always be funny and sad to me.

idk… i guess i worry too much about everything. i just gotta realize most people don’t care what i say, lol. they aren’t going to be picking apart my words and phrases with the same care in which i would.

something’s been bothering me the last few days.

my brother is actually my half-brother, with a different father than mine. his dad has turned into quite an awful person. no. he’s always been awful. he told my brother that he was a disappointment. and this is after my brother graduated college, and is going to be moving to minneapolis, minnesota to work as an emt to gain clinical hours, so he can then go to school to be a physician assistant. he is a smart, talented, capable kid, who any good father would be proud of.

but, to make it about me, as usual. i cried at the idea of my brother being told he was a disappointment, almost scoffed at it, as my mom said something similar about me being a disappointment years ago when i was at a particular low. and this was during a time when i had nobody but my mom. people just like to kick when you’re already down.

it’s ironic. her acting all angry and dismayed that he could be such a terrible person to say that to his son. as if it were anywhere near enough to the truth to hurt?! when she has said something identical to her daughter?!

i guess it’s okay to say it if it’s obviously true.

to hear her getting upset about adam’s dad, who has never been an actual father to his son, saying it to adam, who is probably the most well-rounded and well-adjusted sibling i have, i don’t know. it’s preposterous. adam has done nothing in his life but succeed. his father has no right to say anything to adam because he has done nothing to help him in his life. in no way shape or form has adam ever been a disappointment.

i remember in math class, too many years ago, my teacher saying that ‘good things happen to good people= good. bad things happening to bad people=good’ et cetera to explain multiplying positive and negative numbers. i remember thinking i must be either a bad person to feel so bad for good things happening to me, or a good person who feels bad for having bad things happen to me. lol as if life makes as much sense as math.

it simply hurts that my mom doesn’t see how much she hurt me but immediately worries about adam’s stupid feelings about his stupid dad. i don’t even think she remembers saying it to me.

but sometimes it’s all i remember. that’s what’s mind-boggling too: how can something that is so insignificant to her that she doesn’t even think of it, even when a mirror situation presents itself, be something i think of almost every day.

and why do i even care so much? i don’t know. i guess it is because my mom is probably the only person who has ever really loved me, in spite of things, unconditionally. with my dad, he loves me, but only if i act a certain way. he loves me, but only under certain conditions. i bet i could chase him away with the horror that is my reality, easy.

 

in other news, i fell into the clickhole that is youtube, watching clips from futurama. classic show, really. great moments. i’m trying to connnect this vid to something in my life, anything, to justify its presence here. here it is:

 

tagging myself: i’m the train that crashed into the other train. also, the governor lady.