i was crushed by the weight of my own ego

life continues at a slow pace. i’ve been waking up at 5 every morning for the last coupla weeks, and staying up late, so the days just freaking drag on and on. i’ve been a little sad lately. i wouldn’t call it depressed. just kind of down. i’m a boat with no rudder, listless, directionless, just floatin’.

brent is travelling to the east coast in a few weeks, to stay at an airbnb and work his new job, basically until we find a house. the realness of moving is slowly setting in. though i still haven’t told my dad. i just don’t know how to. do i just pretend like it’s a mere possibility, introduce the idea slowly, or do i reveal the info immediately the next time i talk to him?

he will take it like bad news. he doesn’t see it from my perspective, he’s not that empathetic. he doesn’t see it as an opportunity. to start anew, to get a new outlook on things. he doesn’t see how much of a rut i’m in. it’s a new place, pretty different. it’s exciting. he will just see the glaringly obvious fact that i’m moving farther away. i get it. i’m a little sad about it too, but every time i visit him, i don’t feel at home anyway. i have no place there. when i’m there, everyone’s life goes on and mine is just at a standstill. everyone’s at work or school or (on the weekends,) living it up on the stupid boat getting mildly drunk and socializing (neither of which am i crazy about).

thomas will be going to KU soon, and will be even busier. so when i go there i will feel even less at home, less of a connection.

idk what to think, as usual. i’ve been trying to get out of some bad habits lately, like consuming vast amounts of caffeine in every form possible, but i fear i will sink into worse habits if i give up my current vices.

i’m an all or nothing person, soo i tend to go a little overboard when i do things. like trying to eat more balanced. i don’t do balanced. i feel like i either eat too much or nothing at all. i play it down for the general public, but when i was younger i had an eating disorder.

i was hospitalized for a few weeks in the kind of place that takes away your shoelaces so you aren’t tempted to string yourself up. it’s a bit of a blur, but i remember sitting with a nutritionist, crying while i ate. lol. it was considered an atypical eating disorder, as it was more like a bad habit of not eating, that i sank deep into until eating became to seem unnecessary, a chore. i also rarely drank anything, so before i was hospitalized i would go in once a week for liquids through an IV.

anyway, the point of this little trip down memory lane is that i am afraid of falling back into old habits like that. the overall point of this rambling is that change and balance are freaking hard af.

as the quiet becomes suddenly verbose

my hair was meant to be neon yellow at the ends, but it’s magenta instead. the neon orange i had in it wouldn’t lift off or bleach much, and so i had to go a darker route. alejandra tried her best, but it wasn’t meant to be. i’ll just have to grow out my hair, chop off the ends, and try for neon, highlighter yellow another day.

my hair slipped out of its tie last night and i slept with it plastered against my neck, and so now my neck is pink, and yeah. also my hand has thin lines of pink on the back of it. i blame the fact i put like a vat of lotion on before i sleep, because i’m obsessed with moisture like the last human on doctor who, so the dye in my hair can really come off onto my sticky skin.

it’s around 5:30 in the morning now, i woke up at 3 and decided not to go back to sleep.

last night we went to living history farms, to a dinner in a home from the 1870’s, called the tangen house. it was cool and weird. it was dark, all by candlelight, and the people serving us were dressed in the appropriate attire for a house in the 1870’s. the whole meal was adapted from recipes from the time period. all the food was made from a wood-burning stove/oven. it was really great, nice that it was just family there. i actually enjoyed myself. not my picture (found it on the living history site), but this is the tangen house:

tangen

plus i learned that the saying “pull out all the stops” is actually referring to the stops on an organ, which is neat, haha. blew my mind.

later today i’m headed to dell rapids. leaving avoca around 8:30, and should make it to dells by midnight.

walking back to the car last night under a light snow and a cloud-filled, orange night sky, i felt nice. peaceful. i’m excited to see my family and childhood home away from home.

the only blip on my radar is the idea that i don’t really have gifts for anyone, as i’m totally broke, because i’m a total slob with money. i can only shrug when i ask myself what the hell i spent it all on. like, idk. clothes? perfume? it’s like i’m half diva. as our illustrious leader would say, sad.

ew tho i actually hate him.

so don’t look ahead, ever look ahead. it’s a new year, i’m glad to be here

went to my dad’s the day after i got back from cancun. we watched the cowboys with john wayne on christmas eve. on xmas we watched josey wales. not a huge fan of westerns, but they’re good in their own way.

christmas went well. we went to liz’s mom and dad’s the night of. then i went home. tuesday i worked 7-3, wednesday and thursday i worked the same. i got thru it.

….

tomorrow is the sherlock season premiere! yay. i was going to see the doctor who xmas special in theaters but was too tired so i just bought it on itunes. i think it was 3.99, whereas the theater ticket was around 15, so a deal!

it was great.

i’m doing okay.

……

now it’s sunday and i’m doing nothing.  yesterday we went grocery shopping before the sun rose, best time.

new years passed without incident here, probs because i was asleep in bed like a loser. the only happy 2017 i got was from my therapist, lmao.

i think the sherlock premiere is at 9 in the uk, and it’s a 6 hour difference, soo yeah. i don’t even know where to watch it yet. i’ll figure it out, lol.

you know, new year and all, i might buy a season pass on itunes and just watch it from there, starting tomorrow. the season pass is 20 bucks, and it’s the same on amazon, sooo imma do that, possibly. i’ll think about it. i’m excited tho. i get waaay too invested in tv.

my motto for 2017 is gonna be “same”. i just wanna be agreeable and nod my head at the populace’s outrage at the state of things and make a lot of friends out of pure agreement.

i talked to this one woman, eleheh, at work. i’ve always liked her. she always has a smile and soft, nice words for people. she is from iran. why are all the people i meet from iran just beautiful, gentle people? lol. she sat next to valentina, who is from a small town near moscow. the world is so small where i work.

i’m such a freaking poser at times, tho. like i’m fascinated by other cultures and people, and i try to stay relative, and respect their ideas about life. but i feel a stupid, small superiority for it. like i’m just being tolerant and inclusive and all pluralistic to make myself feel better. i don’t know.

fatema, from bangladesh, showed me selfies of herself without her hijab, and i laughed when she asked me who it was in the photos. like without her hijab, she was a whole different person. and in a way, she was. but not really. lol.

i have a love/hate relationship with the world. i want to travel and i even like airports for all the rush and bustle, but sometimes, instead of rushing through them, i wish i could just sit in them and go nowhere and watch instead.

i’m not built for a purpose, sometimes i think to myself. i’m less than the sum of my parts, as i was put together wrong. i’m not built for the journey or the destination…

ugh now i’m just trying to be sad, lmao…

anyway, 2016 was a shit year and a great year on different levels for me. here’s to starting it all over again.

purge the past and waste my mind, leave no scent or trace behind

went to chichen itza on wednesday, it was an all day affair. it was amazing. just me and my mom, and a million other tourists and touts. it was about a 13 hour day, awesome. we stopped for lunch in valladolid, saw the cenote zaci, and walked around a bit. it was a blast.  a perfect end to a good trip.

got home late last night, went to bed around 2am, and woke up at 6 this morning. now i’m in lawrence, at my dad’s.

i go home on monday, then tuesday i work 7-3 thru thursday or friday i think, doing all-store markdowns. i’m excited at making money, lulz.

i’m doing amazing for this moment in time. focused, alert, but not too much so. nice to see family. all is well.

 

blue skies from pain

saw my dad. he looks the same, smokes the same cigarettes he always has. has the same habits that i find a little grating. he suggested i move to lawrence, like usual.

do you ever fear that you have overtaken your parents in knowledge of the world? or maybe it’s not about them catching up, it’s that we are traveling in separate directions, carrying on with our lives in two completely different ways. we live in different worlds, me and my dad. i wish i could get by without summing it up in negative terms, but his world is narrower, his ideas about the world and his place in it stinted by the harsh reality of it. i haven’t been crushed yet i suppose. but at the same time he is more naive than i am about a lot of things.

he hasn’t seen the same things. i don’t know if it’s the world that turned me this way, or if it’s just some intrinsic quality i’ve always carried, but a lot of the things he finds innocuous, i find nauseatingly sinister. ha, things as simple as drinking and socializing with his mobs of friends at the lake, i can’t stand. the crowds, the loud music, the drunken laughter. it’s too much of everything, too many untrustworthy strangers that i don’t want anything from. too many intentions for me to gauge. too many faces to scan for threats, lol. i’m so paranoid about people. but that’s a story for another day.

my dad’s always been way more social than me, always aiming to please other people that he doesn’t really owe that kind of allegiance to. he cares about status, cares about how things look, cares way too much what the cool kids are doing. peer pressure, ha.

he was in the military in the 80’s, travelled a bit through europe. he saw neuschwanstein, went to a few great concerts. he never saw violence or abject poverty or prejudice or whatever pain the world holds.. i don’t think he thinks about it or the world like that. he assumes the world is fairly just, or simply doesn’t care.

he doesn’t believe in charity because he never receives it, and is too proud to receive it anyway. the world is so straightforward to him, i think. he is in the present. takes one day at a time. does what he can. knows his limits and doesn’t test them.

i know of my father crying twice in my life. once, when i told him i wasn’t coming to lawrence for christmas. second, when our cat stanley died. i was there for that, which i was glad to be. stanley was actually a gift to me when i was just a little kid. i loved him very much. i called him my little stalingrad. ‘stay strong, stalingrad’, i’d say. he was 17 years old when he died. that seems like so long ago. i barely ever make WWII references anymore.

me and my dad are very different people. i get on his nerves, he gets on mine.

yet i look to him occasionally for guidance and approval. the only change over the years is the expectation of receiving it. shrug oh wells, i’ll love the idiot forever.

that’s why you’re here, stateless

my dad is coming through town tomorrow, so i’ll get to see him. we might have lunch or something fun.

work went well today. my arm hurts from hanging clothes on it because we ran out of space so i had to just carry the clothes around for a while instead of bustling back and forth to hang it up. saturday and sunday i am in the CO. fun times. ugggh and next week i’m doing stocking all freaking week. i hate stocking. there’s always a chance i will be called up to register. i hate register more than anything in the store.

i have some homework to do, but it’s simple work. i have a test come monday. i’m not nervous about it. this seems like a pretty straightforward class: as long as i stay on top of the homework, participate in class, and read the chapters she assigns, i’m golden.

kill me sarah, kill me again with love

i worry about everyone. i worry about my mom, who is chronically ill. i worry about my father who just lost his job so started up his own lawn service. i worry about my brother who is depressed. i worry about my other brother who just started college. and worry is such a fucking useless thing. like i don’t have enough problems reaching out from the past without the future looming out of the orange gloom ahead like a fucking monstrous preternatural being.