i always thought i might be bad, now i’m sure that its true. ‘cause i think you’re so good and i’m nothing like you

i haven’t been sleeping great, and have had to wake up by 5 last week, over the weekend and today, so it’s been a weird, blurry while.

i’m glad there’s such thing as mother’s day, as i like an excuse to buy my mom stuff. i like buying gifts for people. a lot of people deserve more gifts, especially mothers.

i got my mom a necklace and this card.

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it’s funny because it could totally be one of our cats, or a metaphor for me being all destructive and impractical at times, me and my siblings. but we love her and she loves us, for some reason. probably because we’re all so adorable.

i know i complain about my mom a lot, and i bet she wants to complain about me, lol. but i don’t know what i would do without her. she’s my closest friend and the one real constant in my life. without her the world would be like a million times scarier.

there isn’t much going on in my life. though this week i am going to apply for a few universities, which is scary. i’m thinking of this smaller school, which is more expensive and competitive, but i think it would be a good fit for me. i like the idea of getting to know professors and having them actually know who i am.

with steps forward like this my anxiety goes into overdrive of what-ifs. but i’ve talked it over with myself, and there aren’t that many possible pitfalls of applying to a college. the worst thing is that they won’t accept me. and there are so many schools out there.

so i’m nervous but i’ve felt a little better since i found out i passed my last semester.

i’m thinking of trying to completely cut caffeine from my diet. i just rely on it too much, and i worry it messes with my sleep more than i know. i try not to drink anything with caffeine after 12pm, but sometimes have some like to get me through a paper or other homework. it’s not healthy. plus lately i keep getting heartburn, and it’s really annoying. i’d wean myself off of it though so i can avoid headaches.

overall, things are okay. i’m managing like usual. plodding away like the persistent though often unsuccessful treasure that i am.

i figure things may not be going great, but they will keep going, regardless. time is stupid like that. so i might as well enjoy the things before they pass me by on the way to wherever i’m going right now. i may not have this view tomorrow, so i’m going to hold on to it today.

 

 

 

 

i love everyone that i have ever known

i never really talked about my dna results from xmas. apparently (lol this isn’t really a surprise) about 60% of my dna is of western european origin. boring. it’s all germany, netherlands, belgium, and luxembourg. the rest is ireland/scotland/wales, iberian peninsula, great britain, scandinavia, european jewish, northwest russian, and less than 2% polynesian. so i’m a european mutt. guess i gotta start colonizing the whole freaking universe now and building neoclassical architecture all over da place in my own honor. no, i’m american, so i’ve really gotta start liberating people of their lives and give the rest freedom and equality and fraternity…okay and we’re back to france.

so boring really, though. i wanted a surprise. like maybe i’m not actually human or something along those lines, or i was adopted and my real family is even cooler. i also hoped it would give me an idea of my grandma’s father’s heritage. i always wondered about him. my grandma was adopted by her stepfather, and only met her biological dad twice in her life. i was always super curious about that. so mysterious.

it is 4:30 PM and it is snowing. i hope it snows so much class is cancelled tomorrow morning. snow days are the best. it’s a shame i hate winter so much, otherwise i could enjoy it. i used to like it. snow angels, snow forts, getting a four-wheeler stuck in the snow. ah. simpler times apparently revolved around snow.

alas, class probably won’t be cancelled. the snow isn’t really even sticking, it melts as it arrives.

all we’re doing in world religion is listening to dumb presentations. i’m sorry jan, but i don’t care about how the anglican church moved away from the catholic church and the pentecostal church moved away from the anglican church. so. boring. ok so it is a little interesting, and by interesting i mean funny. like, there are so many denominations with only slight differences, it’s crazy. i went to a non-denominational church up until age 7, and i’m pretty sure that’s a sin. i wonder if there is a separate heaven for each denomination, or how they sorted that out. seems like an oversight on somebody’s part. get on that. shakes fist at sky

all the cats are sleeping except ari. he’s prowling around, from window to window, watching the snowflakes tumble down.

walking lucy earlier was nice. the snow rustled my coat softly as it landed. it was almost peaceful, except for the traffic ruining my nice usual iowa april moment of snowfall.

 

pick it up, pick it all up and start again

i’m sick again. this winter has been kind of wretched for illness. it started as a sort of tickle in the back of my throat and then it hurt to swallow, then i started coughing. then i couldn’t breathe through my nose, lol. and that’s how i freaking breathe. i couldn’t sleep because of it. i missed a day of class, which sucks, but hey, it will be okay. i don’t wanna sound whiny, but the worst was the feverish, general shitty feeling that comes with being sick.

i’m in a good mood because i don’t work tomorrow. the first sunday off in a few weeks.

well i guess it isn’t a good mood, quite. i actually feel kind of numb. but feeling nothing is better than down in the dumps, just kill me now depression.

and i’m obviously getting better, physical illness-wise. i haven’t been coughing nearly as much; it’s just my sinuses that kind of hurt.

the weather was nice today.

i’m trying not to be down, trying not to think about not having friends, not having anyone other than my parents and siblings to care about me. i don’t know. like, my family’s love is heavy, a burden sometimes. often i think it’s the only reason i keep living, keep aimlessly striving. people say that a burden shared is a burden lifted, or something like that. i don’t really think that’s true at all. ’cause not only then do you have to worry, you worry about the other person worrying. so you just hold on to your burdens and jealously guard them against anyone who would try to take them away. i don’t know who i would be without this weight on my shoulders anyway.

on a bright side, ava is being really friendly lately. she lets all of us pet her, and when i go into the kitchen to cook she will often follow me in and meow at me. she likes the rug in the dining room, and if you walk over to it she will often follow, and roll around to receive pets. i don’t know what it is, but she’s really coming around to us. she is still a little skittish, but you can tell she at least has a fondness for us. she likes to lay on the back of the couch, behind where i’m always sitting. i love her so much and feel really grateful to have her.

i remember when ava was still a feral cat living outside, me and my mom were walking lucy in the dead of winter, and we spotted her sitting on a manhole cover for warmth. she looked so forlorn and cold, meowing at us with her raspy little voice, that my heart seriously broke a bit. it was hard because i never thought we could help her much, i thought that she would probably die out there one day, somehow, in the cold world, alone. that we have her with us now is amazing to me. i mean, yeah, i’m an easy crier, so this doesn’t mean much, but i could seriously tear up thinking about how lucky we are to have ava and the kittens. lol, and ari, of course.

and lucy is eternal, so i feel like she goes without mentioning.

ok, enough waxing poetic about pets. i’m going to try to sleep.

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so i guess i’ll just act bored instead

i’m home!

well i’ve been home for about a week.

i cleaned my room really well when i got home, emptied my suitcase, hung up all my clean clothes. it’s not a huge deal, but my room was a mess, with papers in it from two semesters ago. i felt rather accomplished.

my mom got a robotic vacuum for christmas. we named it bunny, as in dust bunny. it vacuumed my room for me. the future is here. my mom has it vacuum every day. it likes to get caught on the outer hearth of the fireplace, making a loud beeping sound when it can’t roll away.

i also picked out clothes i wanna get rid of, bring to goodwill or something.

it’s 1:45AM, i woke up around half an hour ago. now that i’m home i’m back to going to bed early, waking up early. at my grandparents’, it was the opposite. i can’t handle their crazy schedule of going to bed around midnight every freaking night. it’s like guys, i have to wake up in a few hours. they just don’t understand.

liz sent me more photos she had taken of physical photos at my grandparents house, which is such a weirdly low-tech-high-tech way of saving pictures, i know, but my grandma doesn’t have a scanner.

this is one of my favorite pics, because it is of both thomas, my brother, and my favorite dog my grandma ever had, keta:

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i loved keta. i remember being really really jealous of my cousin once because my grandma took her picture with keta and not me. i was livid. i was like five, and i had a full-blown tantrum over that. keta was the bomb.

the sky was so light when i woke up i thought it was later, but it’s not, so i’ll probably try to fall asleep on the couch.

our cat ava is playing with an ornament: a popsicle stick painted red that says joy on it. we still haven’t taken down the tree. the cats have been pretty good with it, though they love when we put fresh water in the base, they think it’s for them to drink out of.

now that i look closer at the sky i see it’s cloudy, no stars, and that eerie orange color. i don’t know how to describe it but i associate it with winter and snow. i should sleep.

i don’t know why i’m such an insomniac half the time. i try to stay asleep but every small thing wakes me up. our dog sleeps in my room so she’s used to getting up later in the night and coming downstairs. oh well, she insists on eating breakfast in a few hours anyway.


and now it’s around 6:45. i slept the rest of the night away, mom fed lucy and walked her. i’m back down on the couch again.

watching ava circle the base of the xmas tree, looking for a nice angle to drink the gross tree water, i’m somehow reminded of something from a long time ago.

my aunt used to live on an acreage, and she had a few barn cats that were friendly. i remember one of them, a black and white tom-cat, liked to follow people around when they were outside, and he was following me around on that particular day, and i was climbing trees. i picked a pine near the end of the driveway, a nice tall one, a good vantage point to see whether anyone was coming. i was probably 10 or 11 years old then.

well i zipped up the pine with the stupid unthinking vigor of youth, and was watching the road for cars, when i heard a meow from behind me. i turned around, and in the next tree, looking dumb and calm, was that damned cat. i remember he was purring super loud, like totally proud of himself, his tail high. he started walking towards me on the thinnest of branches, and of course it started bowing down under his weight, and so i grabbed him, and carefully climbed down the tree with him. i inspected the tree the cat had climbed. he must of had to run half up the thing, it had no branches near the bottom of the trunk. so, stupid cat, or smart cat? i never know with cats. and it is that guessing that i like about them. i try to cultivate that same kind of mystique. stupid sarah, or smart sarah? i seriously may never know the answer to either.

well, it’s 7 and the sun is rising. i have nothing to do today. tomorrow i’m getting up similarly early (at 5), to participate in our store’s annual inventory. it’s fun. lol, i swear, ever year i do it, and every year i tell myself that the next year i won’t work it. and yet every year i do it… i’m going back to sleep again.

 

i don’t care what the future holds, ’cause i’m right here, and i’m today

me and my dad looked at old pictures tonight, i called myself a nerd over and over. the past was simpler, though, possibly.

here’s me and the original oliver, who was my grandma’s cat, first named tiger until i started calling him oliver over and over until the name stuck:

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i really don’t wanna forget about shandar, who is the dark tabby in this picture. he died years ago, at age 22:

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getting a santa stocking drawn on one cheek and a helicopter temporary tattoo on the other, a combo that makes no sense, stylin’ as always with my cowlick and a self-cut chunk out of my bangs:
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judging by the outfit this is right after seeing santa.

 

 

looking like an out of focus, un-self-conscious weirdo at my birthday party:

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and then there’s thomas as a kid, pretending to read the bible, looking angelic. it’s ‘ironic’ as he said, ’cause he’s pretty irreligious now. aren’t we all.

 

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here’s my dad and thomas, right before my dad had his right eye removed from melanoma. this was 2001, i think.

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i’ve just got loads of pictures now. blast from the past, yo.

then today i took some random pictures and videos of cats, because i was at joey and cari’s house and they have three.

this is one, aptly named kitty:

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this is pogo:

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for some reason i didn’t get a pic of caspar, who is the most friendly of the cats and the grey one grooming himself here:

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they also have a rabbit named peanut:

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i was honestly too scared of dropping her to hold her. she is huge and gorgeous tho.

 

on the way over there, i took a video of downtown dell rapids, which is sorta cute:

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my dad found a panda mask.

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and that is all. tomorrow i’m headed home in the morning. i didn’t get everything done i wanted, it’s really really cold out (currently -7°F), but i had as good of a time as i could expect. better, even.

oh, and for xmas i got two shirts, one with a stormtrooper and AT-AT in starry night fashion, and a shirt from thomas of bart simpson drinking a super squishee.  i love them both. i also got some money, which is always nice. i’m a lucky person.

i will be happy to be going home, but i feel good about my trip.

glad for the old days, but glad they’re gone, too. even if they never really are, ha.

 

with a circus mind that’s running ’round

went to the winter farmers market downtown des moines yesterday, walked around a bit looking up at buildings.

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and did pretty much nothing today.

well, tonight we went out to eat. there was a football game going on, couldn’t tell you who won or even who was playing, and it was soo loud.

tomorrow we are decorating the xmas tree probs. the cats love it. they lay under it, they reach up and bat at the branches, they crawl under the skirt and hide.

here’s ari, being a little gift:

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i think back to the winter we first brought him inside, in 2014, then last year, when we brought in ava and the kittens, and i’m so thankful. they are safe and happy and will stay that for years to come. hell, they really are gifts and they know it.

also, i finished the book tool of war a few days ago, read it all in one go like i used to. it was pretty brutal, like the first two. but i actually think i enjoyed the first two more. they gave me things to think about. this one gave me things too, and i spent quite a while after reading it, thinking back on things. i guess it’s just because it’s probably the last book, so the author had to wrap things up, and felt he had to tie up a lot of loose ends, but i would almost prefer not knowing what happened than knowing and have the ending fall flat. idk. i still gave it five stars, lol, right after i read it, so i guess in the moment i loved it. but after thinking it over again and again, it wasn’t perfect. but hey, writing is a recursive process.

i’m just glad i read a book for once. i looked around for another after that one, but i’m so damn picky, i let reviews turn me off books entirely. i should be more open-minded.

i’ve waited for you out here, but that may be delusional

how the heckin heck do people choose a favorite song, or even genre? for me it’d be like choosing a favorite child. like, they’re all mine. not that i actually have children, but i’m sure music is comparable to mother-child relationships.

here’s javi being weird from the other day:

BY THE WAY. my paper is done, yay! in sadder news, it is terrible. i hate every word of it. like, what is it even about? is it about the play of light and darkness in the story being some sort of metaphorical thingy for race, as this was written in 1957, and things were pretty damn iffy back then, even in NYC? OR, alternatively, is it about how light represents judgment and dark represents fundamental, inescapable human nature? and something about redemption? lol who even cares. it’s a great story, but i get so frustrated when the author doesn’t spoon-feed me clean-cut meaning and metaphor as fuel for my essays. it’s just so freaking rude.

also, it is now almost 10am. i have been awake for about five hours, and i’m tired, as i went to sleep around 2 last night. woops. i’m sure i’m totally ready to work on my final EXAM today. lmao and the professor said that this was the last class she was teaching where she gave an exam, as she thinks in the realm of literature, they are useless. why not skip this exam entirely then, professor, and we can eat cupcakes and watch a movie instead. remember all those times i said i love writing? lulz.