so let us not talk falsely now

we are catsitting bootsie again for a couple of weeks. he is the cutest. though he is easy to trip over as he will follow ya around anywhere. lol i caught a pic of him with his tongue out:

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the moving process is really getting to my mom. there is just so much to do and she doesn’t know where to start. it’s so overwhelming. today i’m going to start changing out doorknobs for her at least. i don’t actually know how to yet, but i figure there’s a youtube video for that.

her interview in virginia went really well. she was offered the job and more: they said she should also apply for a supervisory position that was open, as she would most likely get it instead. she is happy, but would probably be starting november 10, which is looming too close for comfort.

i’m most likely going to give my two weeks notice sometime in the next few days, which is crazy. i just got a pin and a certificate that shows that i have been there for five years. insanity. i always tell people i meant to quit within the first few weeks and just never followed through.

it rains constantly. i love it, i hate it. there are worms out everywhere, covering the sidewalk and even the street. i feel a stupid hero thing where i feel as though i have to rescue every single stupid one or i’m a moderately bad person, but i try to ignore it. i try to tell myself that you can’t save every single thing in the world. lol i guess i’m moderately bad then.

years ago at my aunt’s house in the minnesota countryside, in the barn, i was alone. my mom and aunt were in town, getting groceries or something. there was a kitten that was fading, dying rapidly for seemingly no reason. it was probably around 7 weeks old? i was around 7 or 8 years old, and was so confused and terrified.

my cousin was supposed to be watching me but was upstairs playing video games with his friend. i remember bringing the kitten inside and bundling it up in a towel, as it was growing so cold. i checked its gums, not knowing really what to do. they were so pale. ha, i even brought the kitten back into the barn to its mother, who was an untame feral. in my helplessness, i hoped she would somehow help it. but she wouldn’t come near. i tried giving the kitten water, but it was totally lethargic and wouldn’t drink.

so anyway, the kitten ended up dying within the hour. i was heartbroken. i brought it out to the end of the grove, where a soybean field met the trees. i buried it, still wrapped in the towel, under an oak as the sun set.

i don’t know if i told my mom right away about the kitten. i felt like it was my fault, even at that idiotic age. probably more so than i would now. kids are rather irrational and simplistic about blame i suppose. i held a grudge against my cousin for years for not being there for me.

i think instances in my life like that one kitten have shaped my moral compass rather severely. i had bad anxiety even swimming in my grandma’s pool growing up as i felt the need to rescue drowning insects, feeling like if i failed to try, i was losing sight of the preciousness of even the smallest life.

idk, i think it’s probably some sort of disorder, haha. i wish i was humblebragging or the like, but i actually find this whole quality of mine detrimental instead of helpful in most instances. i am all too ready to let myself suffer emotionally or physically if it means helping someone or something else. i have a terrible perspective on the measure of other lives versus my own. it usually ends up hurting me in the long run. awareness is suffering, existence is pain, yadda yadda yadda. i guess i just feel like if you help, sometimes it’s useless and for nothing. but how do you know until you try? and if i didn’t try, i’d regret it. if i do try, sometimes i regret it too tho. so try, don’t try. who really cares. i’ll probs feel a bit bad no matter what i do. might as well continue trying for the sake of neurotic consistency.

 

a night in search of a day

my mom’s friend from work is raising 5 kittens whose mom was hit by a car. they are about 4 weeks old now. so like the good person my mom is, she offered to take two to foster. but after my mom’s friend took care of them for a couple of days, she decided she would be okay feeding them on her own. i was sort of disappointed. i love taking care of kittens. it’s hard because you have to feed them every few hours, but it is so rewarding to see them grow and thrive so quickly.

the packing process continues. my stepdad left for DC yesterday. he won’t be back to iowa most likely as a resident. it’s up to me and my mom to take care of everything. stressful..

my mom has a job interview on wednesday in virginia at a hospital. the downside of it is that it wouldn’t be a federal job and if she ever wanted to go back into the VA system she would have to jump through the same hoops that she had at the beginning. the upside is that it isn’t a VA hospital. a big no offence, but veterans have a tendency to be rather…demanding. there are a lot of vietnam war-age veterans who are totally bigoted: racist, sexist; drug & alcohol addicted. also, most importantly, they are often non-compliant with treatment. you would think they would take orders better. the vets aren’t all bad obviously, but often a bad impression can overwhelm a bunch of good ones. just like most people meet one good veteran and assume all of them are heroes deserving of the utmost regard. in reality, like every group, veterans are quite a mixed bag.

the current political situation in the US has me cynical and irritated. where i’m usually non-confrontational, i just want to yell at someone about it all.

my stepdad voted for trump, and i’m not even mad. i’m just deeply disappointed. i want to blame him and people like him: the rich, the sheltered. the self-serving, privileged, persecution-complex riddled few who doublethink things like love thy neighbour and deport all immigrants without mercy.

what the fuck kind of thoughts even go through their minds? ‘jesus loves, jesus saves, so i sure as hell don’t have to????!’

i get tired of trying to be the bigger person and forgive people when i don’t even follow an ideology that goes on and on about it. and it hurts, because i forgive others for things i would never let slide when it comes to me. it feels unfair of me.

obviously i’m not perfect, but at least i’m self-aware enough to see my flaws, where certain other people just seem to glide through life without a stress in the world about their actions or inactions. i sometimes believe that people should be constantly in a state of cognitive dissonance, they should be torn on what the right thing to do is, all the time. there should be no hard and fast rules to cheat your way through life on. life, as complex and multi-layered as it is, should not be simple, no matter how much we all wish it were sometimes.

 

 

 

 

 

 

i always thought i might be bad, now i’m sure that its true. ‘cause i think you’re so good and i’m nothing like you

i haven’t been sleeping great, and have had to wake up by 5 last week, over the weekend and today, so it’s been a weird, blurry while.

i’m glad there’s such thing as mother’s day, as i like an excuse to buy my mom stuff. i like buying gifts for people. a lot of people deserve more gifts, especially mothers.

i got my mom a necklace and this card.

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it’s funny because it could totally be one of our cats, or a metaphor for me being all destructive and impractical at times, me and my siblings. but we love her and she loves us, for some reason. probably because we’re all so adorable.

i know i complain about my mom a lot, and i bet she wants to complain about me, lol. but i don’t know what i would do without her. she’s my closest friend and the one real constant in my life. without her the world would be like a million times scarier.

there isn’t much going on in my life. though this week i am going to apply for a few universities, which is scary. i’m thinking of this smaller school, which is more expensive and competitive, but i think it would be a good fit for me. i like the idea of getting to know professors and having them actually know who i am.

with steps forward like this my anxiety goes into overdrive of what-ifs. but i’ve talked it over with myself, and there aren’t that many possible pitfalls of applying to a college. the worst thing is that they won’t accept me. and there are so many schools out there.

so i’m nervous but i’ve felt a little better since i found out i passed my last semester.

i’m thinking of trying to completely cut caffeine from my diet. i just rely on it too much, and i worry it messes with my sleep more than i know. i try not to drink anything with caffeine after 12pm, but sometimes have some like to get me through a paper or other homework. it’s not healthy. plus lately i keep getting heartburn, and it’s really annoying. i’d wean myself off of it though so i can avoid headaches.

overall, things are okay. i’m managing like usual. plodding away like the persistent though often unsuccessful treasure that i am.

i figure things may not be going great, but they will keep going, regardless. time is stupid like that. so i might as well enjoy the things before they pass me by on the way to wherever i’m going right now. i may not have this view tomorrow, so i’m going to hold on to it today.

 

 

 

 

i love everyone that i have ever known

i never really talked about my dna results from xmas. apparently (lol this isn’t really a surprise) about 60% of my dna is of western european origin. boring. it’s all germany, netherlands, belgium, and luxembourg. the rest is ireland/scotland/wales, iberian peninsula, great britain, scandinavia, european jewish, northwest russian, and less than 2% polynesian. so i’m a european mutt. guess i gotta start colonizing the whole freaking universe now and building neoclassical architecture all over da place in my own honor. no, i’m american, so i’ve really gotta start liberating people of their lives and give the rest freedom and equality and fraternity…okay and we’re back to france.

so boring really, though. i wanted a surprise. like maybe i’m not actually human or something along those lines, or i was adopted and my real family is even cooler. i also hoped it would give me an idea of my grandma’s father’s heritage. i always wondered about him. my grandma was adopted by her stepfather, and only met her biological dad twice in her life. i was always super curious about that. so mysterious.

it is 4:30 PM and it is snowing. i hope it snows so much class is cancelled tomorrow morning. snow days are the best. it’s a shame i hate winter so much, otherwise i could enjoy it. i used to like it. snow angels, snow forts, getting a four-wheeler stuck in the snow. ah. simpler times apparently revolved around snow.

alas, class probably won’t be cancelled. the snow isn’t really even sticking, it melts as it arrives.

all we’re doing in world religion is listening to dumb presentations. i’m sorry jan, but i don’t care about how the anglican church moved away from the catholic church and the pentecostal church moved away from the anglican church. so. boring. ok so it is a little interesting, and by interesting i mean funny. like, there are so many denominations with only slight differences, it’s crazy. i went to a non-denominational church up until age 7, and i’m pretty sure that’s a sin. i wonder if there is a separate heaven for each denomination, or how they sorted that out. seems like an oversight on somebody’s part. get on that. shakes fist at sky

all the cats are sleeping except ari. he’s prowling around, from window to window, watching the snowflakes tumble down.

walking lucy earlier was nice. the snow rustled my coat softly as it landed. it was almost peaceful, except for the traffic ruining my nice usual iowa april moment of snowfall.

 

pick it up, pick it all up and start again

i’m sick again. this winter has been kind of wretched for illness. it started as a sort of tickle in the back of my throat and then it hurt to swallow, then i started coughing. then i couldn’t breathe through my nose, lol. and that’s how i freaking breathe. i couldn’t sleep because of it. i missed a day of class, which sucks, but hey, it will be okay. i don’t wanna sound whiny, but the worst was the feverish, general shitty feeling that comes with being sick.

i’m in a good mood because i don’t work tomorrow. the first sunday off in a few weeks.

well i guess it isn’t a good mood, quite. i actually feel kind of numb. but feeling nothing is better than down in the dumps, just kill me now depression.

and i’m obviously getting better, physical illness-wise. i haven’t been coughing nearly as much; it’s just my sinuses that kind of hurt.

the weather was nice today.

i’m trying not to be down, trying not to think about not having friends, not having anyone other than my parents and siblings to care about me. i don’t know. like, my family’s love is heavy, a burden sometimes. often i think it’s the only reason i keep living, keep aimlessly striving. people say that a burden shared is a burden lifted, or something like that. i don’t really think that’s true at all. ’cause not only then do you have to worry, you worry about the other person worrying. so you just hold on to your burdens and jealously guard them against anyone who would try to take them away. i don’t know who i would be without this weight on my shoulders anyway.

on a bright side, ava is being really friendly lately. she lets all of us pet her, and when i go into the kitchen to cook she will often follow me in and meow at me. she likes the rug in the dining room, and if you walk over to it she will often follow, and roll around to receive pets. i don’t know what it is, but she’s really coming around to us. she is still a little skittish, but you can tell she at least has a fondness for us. she likes to lay on the back of the couch, behind where i’m always sitting. i love her so much and feel really grateful to have her.

i remember when ava was still a feral cat living outside, me and my mom were walking lucy in the dead of winter, and we spotted her sitting on a manhole cover for warmth. she looked so forlorn and cold, meowing at us with her raspy little voice, that my heart seriously broke a bit. it was hard because i never thought we could help her much, i thought that she would probably die out there one day, somehow, in the cold world, alone. that we have her with us now is amazing to me. i mean, yeah, i’m an easy crier, so this doesn’t mean much, but i could seriously tear up thinking about how lucky we are to have ava and the kittens. lol, and ari, of course.

and lucy is eternal, so i feel like she goes without mentioning.

ok, enough waxing poetic about pets. i’m going to try to sleep.

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so i guess i’ll just act bored instead

i’m home!

well i’ve been home for about a week.

i cleaned my room really well when i got home, emptied my suitcase, hung up all my clean clothes. it’s not a huge deal, but my room was a mess, with papers in it from two semesters ago. i felt rather accomplished.

my mom got a robotic vacuum for christmas. we named it bunny, as in dust bunny. it vacuumed my room for me. the future is here. my mom has it vacuum every day. it likes to get caught on the outer hearth of the fireplace, making a loud beeping sound when it can’t roll away.

i also picked out clothes i wanna get rid of, bring to goodwill or something.

it’s 1:45AM, i woke up around half an hour ago. now that i’m home i’m back to going to bed early, waking up early. at my grandparents’, it was the opposite. i can’t handle their crazy schedule of going to bed around midnight every freaking night. it’s like guys, i have to wake up in a few hours. they just don’t understand.

liz sent me more photos she had taken of physical photos at my grandparents house, which is such a weirdly low-tech-high-tech way of saving pictures, i know, but my grandma doesn’t have a scanner.

this is one of my favorite pics, because it is of both thomas, my brother, and my favorite dog my grandma ever had, keta:

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i loved keta. i remember being really really jealous of my cousin once because my grandma took her picture with keta and not me. i was livid. i was like five, and i had a full-blown tantrum over that. keta was the bomb.

the sky was so light when i woke up i thought it was later, but it’s not, so i’ll probably try to fall asleep on the couch.

our cat ava is playing with an ornament: a popsicle stick painted red that says joy on it. we still haven’t taken down the tree. the cats have been pretty good with it, though they love when we put fresh water in the base, they think it’s for them to drink out of.

now that i look closer at the sky i see it’s cloudy, no stars, and that eerie orange color. i don’t know how to describe it but i associate it with winter and snow. i should sleep.

i don’t know why i’m such an insomniac half the time. i try to stay asleep but every small thing wakes me up. our dog sleeps in my room so she’s used to getting up later in the night and coming downstairs. oh well, she insists on eating breakfast in a few hours anyway.


and now it’s around 6:45. i slept the rest of the night away, mom fed lucy and walked her. i’m back down on the couch again.

watching ava circle the base of the xmas tree, looking for a nice angle to drink the gross tree water, i’m somehow reminded of something from a long time ago.

my aunt used to live on an acreage, and she had a few barn cats that were friendly. i remember one of them, a black and white tom-cat, liked to follow people around when they were outside, and he was following me around on that particular day, and i was climbing trees. i picked a pine near the end of the driveway, a nice tall one, a good vantage point to see whether anyone was coming. i was probably 10 or 11 years old then.

well i zipped up the pine with the stupid unthinking vigor of youth, and was watching the road for cars, when i heard a meow from behind me. i turned around, and in the next tree, looking dumb and calm, was that damned cat. i remember he was purring super loud, like totally proud of himself, his tail high. he started walking towards me on the thinnest of branches, and of course it started bowing down under his weight, and so i grabbed him, and carefully climbed down the tree with him. i inspected the tree the cat had climbed. he must of had to run half up the thing, it had no branches near the bottom of the trunk. so, stupid cat, or smart cat? i never know with cats. and it is that guessing that i like about them. i try to cultivate that same kind of mystique. stupid sarah, or smart sarah? i seriously may never know the answer to either.

well, it’s 7 and the sun is rising. i have nothing to do today. tomorrow i’m getting up similarly early (at 5), to participate in our store’s annual inventory. it’s fun. lol, i swear, ever year i do it, and every year i tell myself that the next year i won’t work it. and yet every year i do it… i’m going back to sleep again.

 

i don’t care what the future holds, ’cause i’m right here, and i’m today

me and my dad looked at old pictures tonight, i called myself a nerd over and over. the past was simpler, though, possibly.

here’s me and the original oliver, who was my grandma’s cat, first named tiger until i started calling him oliver over and over until the name stuck:

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i really don’t wanna forget about shandar, who is the dark tabby in this picture. he died years ago, at age 22:

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getting a santa stocking drawn on one cheek and a helicopter temporary tattoo on the other, a combo that makes no sense, stylin’ as always with my cowlick and a self-cut chunk out of my bangs:
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judging by the outfit this is right after seeing santa.

 

 

looking like an out of focus, un-self-conscious weirdo at my birthday party:

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and then there’s thomas as a kid, pretending to read the bible, looking angelic. it’s ‘ironic’ as he said, ’cause he’s pretty irreligious now. aren’t we all.

 

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here’s my dad and thomas, right before my dad had his right eye removed from melanoma. this was 2001, i think.

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i’ve just got loads of pictures now. blast from the past, yo.

then today i took some random pictures and videos of cats, because i was at joey and cari’s house and they have three.

this is one, aptly named kitty:

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this is pogo:

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for some reason i didn’t get a pic of caspar, who is the most friendly of the cats and the grey one grooming himself here:

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they also have a rabbit named peanut:

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i was honestly too scared of dropping her to hold her. she is huge and gorgeous tho.

 

on the way over there, i took a video of downtown dell rapids, which is sorta cute:

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my dad found a panda mask.

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and that is all. tomorrow i’m headed home in the morning. i didn’t get everything done i wanted, it’s really really cold out (currently -7°F), but i had as good of a time as i could expect. better, even.

oh, and for xmas i got two shirts, one with a stormtrooper and AT-AT in starry night fashion, and a shirt from thomas of bart simpson drinking a super squishee.  i love them both. i also got some money, which is always nice. i’m a lucky person.

i will be happy to be going home, but i feel good about my trip.

glad for the old days, but glad they’re gone, too. even if they never really are, ha.