i need something bigger than the sky. hold it in my arms and know it’s mine

it’s 7:30am. i’ve been awake since 2:50 because i’m stupid and i thought to myself that it was close enough to daylight to get up. soo like the diva i aspire to be, i put on makeup and did my hair, twiddled my thumbs for a couple of hours, and around 4:45 fed and walked lucy. she has been doing good. still won’t go upstairs, though we haven’t really tried because we don’t want to stress her out. we definitely know it’s her sight tho, so that’s not too bad. she gets around fine, no mobility issues otherwise. plus she’s been eating well, her weight is steady. i’m rationalizing tho. she’s pretty old and will die eventually. i really hope it isn’t this year though. selfish of me, but i wouldn’t be able to handle her death and moving and everything together. i don’t ever want to have to handle her death though ūüė¶

we have her bed in the living room now instead of in my room, and have still been taking turns sleeping on the couch every night. lol the cats lay on her bed all the time. as soon as she gets up from it, ari pops up out of nowhere and goes and lays on it. annoyingly for lucy, ari also likes to lay behind the chair in the exact place lucy likes to lay. i think he’s just obsessed with her. as everyone should be.

i wish i knew what lucy was like as a puppy. we’ve had her since she was three.

i don’t have much planned for today. i’m going to clean and pack more. my mom is home so we will probably end up shopping.

lol my bro adam texted me for once, sending good vibes my way. don’t know what the hell is the matter with him. he might be dying.

man, i scrolled through my twitter feed earlier. it is mostly composed of journalists and satirists and the kind of people who swarm around wars and try to make sense of them. i love it. it is stupid chaos, which is fun, but can be overwhelming after a short time.

ooh and i bought a book called “And Then God Created The Middle East and Said ‘Let There Be Breaking News'” by karl sharro.

it’s pretty damn funny. i’ve been trying to find more reasons to laugh at the world. it can be difficult.

with a circus mind that’s running ’round

went to the winter farmers market downtown des moines yesterday, walked around a bit looking up at buildings.

downtown

 

and did pretty much nothing today.

well, tonight we went out to eat. there was a football game going on, couldn’t tell you who won or even who was playing, and it was soo loud.

tomorrow we are decorating the xmas tree probs. the cats love it. they lay under it, they reach up and bat at the branches, they crawl under the skirt and hide.

here’s ari, being a little gift:

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i think back to the winter we first brought him inside, in 2014, then last year, when we brought in ava¬†and the kittens, and i’m so thankful. they are safe and happy and will stay that for years to come. hell, they really are gifts and they know it.

also, i finished the book tool of war a few days ago, read it all in one go like i used to. it was pretty brutal, like the first two. but i actually think i enjoyed the first two more. they gave me things to think about. this one gave me things too, and i spent quite a while after reading it, thinking back on things. i guess it’s just because it’s probably the last book, so the author had to wrap things up, and felt he had to tie up a lot of loose ends, but i would almost prefer not knowing what happened than knowing and have the ending fall flat. idk. i still gave it five stars, lol, right after i read it, so i guess in the moment i loved it. but after thinking it over again and again, it wasn’t perfect. but hey, writing is a recursive¬†process.

i’m just glad i read a book for once. i looked around for another after that one, but i’m so damn picky, i let reviews turn me off books entirely. i should be more open-minded.

if i die and goe to hell real soon, it will appear to me as this room

so today’s my day off. i do nothing on days off but study and lay and think. i’m like a fucking monk. there’s a cat that hangs around here. i feed him. a kitten really, maybe about six months old. i named him aristophanes after the playwright. i call him ari for short. he’s adorable. we will probably bring him inside in the winter if i cannot find him a home before then. he likes killing birds and sleeping. cats really have life all figured out.