i was crushed by the weight of my own ego

life continues at a slow pace. i’ve been waking up at 5 every morning for the last coupla weeks, and staying up late, so the days just freaking drag on and on. i’ve been a little sad lately. i wouldn’t call it depressed. just kind of down. i’m a boat with no rudder, listless, directionless, just floatin’.

brent is travelling to the east coast in a few weeks, to stay at an airbnb and work his new job, basically until we find a house. the realness of moving is slowly setting in. though i still haven’t told my dad. i just don’t know how to. do i just pretend like it’s a mere possibility, introduce the idea slowly, or do i reveal the info immediately the next time i talk to him?

he will take it like bad news. he doesn’t see it from my perspective, he’s not that empathetic. he doesn’t see it as an opportunity. to start anew, to get a new outlook on things. he doesn’t see how much of a rut i’m in. it’s a new place, pretty different. it’s exciting. he will just see the glaringly obvious fact that i’m moving farther away. i get it. i’m a little sad about it too, but every time i visit him, i don’t feel at home anyway. i have no place there. when i’m there, everyone’s life goes on and mine is just at a standstill. everyone’s at work or school or (on the weekends,) living it up on the stupid boat getting mildly drunk and socializing (neither of which am i crazy about).

thomas will be going to KU soon, and will be even busier. so when i go there i will feel even less at home, less of a connection.

idk what to think, as usual. i’ve been trying to get out of some bad habits lately, like consuming vast amounts of caffeine in every form possible, but i fear i will sink into worse habits if i give up my current vices.

i’m an all or nothing person, soo i tend to go a little overboard when i do things. like trying to eat more balanced. i don’t do balanced. i feel like i either eat too much or nothing at all. i play it down for the general public, but when i was younger i had an eating disorder.

i was hospitalized for a few weeks in the kind of place that takes away your shoelaces so you aren’t tempted to string yourself up. it’s a bit of a blur, but i remember sitting with a nutritionist, crying while i ate. lol. it was considered an atypical eating disorder, as it was more like a bad habit of not eating, that i sank deep into until eating became to seem unnecessary, a chore. i also rarely drank anything, so before i was hospitalized i would go in once a week for liquids through an IV.

anyway, the point of this little trip down memory lane is that i am afraid of falling back into old habits like that. the overall point of this rambling is that change and balance are freaking hard af.

she’s a simple girl. she’s governed by simple pleasures

we purchased new appliances for the kitchen. it’s funny, we wanted to redo the kitchen forever ago, but now that we’re moving and selling the place, now we actually find the time and energy to do it. we are getting new counters and having the cabinets painted.

we’re also painting the basement, as the colors were orange and black (giants) previously. it’s almost done. took like three coats of primer to cover the black.

it’s almost sunken in that we are moving. i have only told a couple of people at work that i am leaving eventually. i have not broken the news to my dad yet, and i’m not sure how to. it’s ridiculous. it’s like dealing with telling a kid bad news, i have no idea how mature he is going to be about it.

adam and his girlfriend visited from minneapolis. i really like her. she fits in. she is funny and a little strange, and doesn’t put up with adam’s attitude. i think she is a microbiology major, but initially wanted to be a veterinarian. she recently got a job in a hospital. adam is still dealing with garbage with his whole emt recertification or something, the usual hoop-jumping we all inevitably do to continue living.

we still don’t know where we will be moving to, precisely.. it will all come down to where my mom gets a job. we will probs settle on virginia, as it seems to have larger lots and more wooded areas, lol. plenty of space from the neighbors. reservedness/slight misanthropy seems to run in my family.

and i’m continuing at my usual pace. a little up, down, forward, back. a little bit of bravado, mostly hesitation. mostly i’m filling my time with working on the house. for instance, i spent a solid few hours sorting our dvds by ones to keep and ones to donate to the library. then i got a dvd binder on amazon. then i alphabetized the few hundred left that brent insisted on keeping and put them in the binder. by the time i was almost done, i was getting sloppy with my alphabetizing.

tyler is my half-brother, and his dad’s father died. his dad is a distant bastard, never really involving himself overtly in tyler’s life. explains tyler’s chip on his shoulder. so his grandfather was like the closest thing he had to a good father. for the several months after his stroke, tyler’s grandpa didn’t even remember tyler. as tyler put it, it felt as if he was already gone. but then he went and died, this time for real and forever, and it is all really sad. i don’t know, i guess i’m bad at articulating feelings, but i think it surprised tyler, the way the loss hit him. i bet he didn’t expect he would feel it so sharply. he even said ‘love you too’ to my mom the past few times she talked to him on the phone. shocking stuff.

things continue to go whether i like it or not, so i’m going to continue to go with them i guess. there’s just so much to do. and i don’t want to do any of it. so it’s hard to know where to start. i made a list of dreaded tasks related to moving, and i’m slowly crossing things off. so things continue to go.

 

i built your walls around me

well i was accepted to iowa state. lol i figured i would be. they would probably accept a corpse if it was able to get student loans. i guess i’m happy. i had to decide to be though.

we are going to board lucy at the vet we usually go to instead of the resort thing. we know them and know for sure we can trust them.

tomorrow at 7am we’re flying to NYC. i like planes. well, they’re not the most glamorous things. ugh and anywhere sucks if you spend more than a few hours just sitting there. i think we have a connecting flight through either minneapolis or chicago. lol i should probably figure that out. i didn’t get the tickets, this wasn’t my idea.

we’re going to a baseball game of course. yankees against the giants perhaps? i should probably figure that out too. my first live baseball game, ever. i prefer teeball. i find the frequency in which the children miss the ball sitting stationary in front of them hilarious. i think baseball would be hilarious if the players were much less athletically gifted. more relatable.

i’m not as psyched as i should be about this trip. i’ve been there before, and it was neat, but i’m just not in an excitable mood. it’ll probably hit me when we get there, hopefully like a train. i want something exciting. lately, i’ve just been feeling really off-kilter. i think it’s just anxiety. something feels wrong and i’ve been especially agitated.

i’m proud though, that i’m actually slowly reading a book. i wanna gain back that part of myself. the sarah who had to have her books taken away from her at night so she wouldn’t stay up and read. the sarah who used to read three books at once. the cool sarah, haha. sarah, the insufferable nerd. yeah. imma stop talking about myself in the third person now.

i am pushing off vacuuming the house again. i just vacuumed last week. i don’t want to. but i said i would, so here we go.

 

 

i wonder where my limit lies

we brought lucy to the vet, and her bloodwork was good. she is back to eating normally. she still has problems with stairs, but that is okay.

she is going to board at a pet resort thing while we’re in new york. we’re leaving friday. they monitor the pets 24/7 and give whatever meds the animal needs. they have beds and toys and the dogs get three walks a day if wanted. we don’t even care about the price. it’s paying for peace of mind. even with the resort, it will be scary leaving her behind.

i applied at iowa state. it’s a big school. i’m kind of bummed about it. i don’t want to go there, at all. i suppose i could start with online classes. i don’t really enjoy online classes, not enough interaction with other students and the professor, but i might give it a shot.

my mood has been kind of bad the last few days. i start out the day all hyper and bubbly, and then something in me snaps, and the rest of the day i’m really irritable and high-strung. the littlest things put me on edge. i find myself clenching my jaw a lot.

i ranted to nafees about everything and then apologized. he is too nice though, and said he appreciated me sharing my thoughts. hahaha, i don’t deserve his niceness. i gotta get over that insecurity though.

i really want to meet him. i would even go to pakistan. i was talking to one of my managers this morning, and i asked him where he was from originally, out of curiosity. he is from iran. elaheh, one of my favorite coworkers, is also from iran, i think shiraz maybe?? anyway, obv pakistan shares a border with iran, and though the area i’d plan on going isn’t near the border, i mentioned to my manager that i had an idea to go. he was excited at the idea, and said i should swing through iran too, haha, and that i would enjoy it. i seriously would love that, though i’d be a little nervous as i would probs be by myself or god forbid with my mom.

i shot the pakistan idea past my mom, and she, of course, insisted that she would go with me. i had the urge to scowl. i just want to do something by myself for once. something all my idea, all mine. i don’t need her tagging along my whole life. i know pakistan is different than new york, but she trusted tyler to go there on a whim, with no place to even live for the first few weeks, and so she should trust me. ugh though i gotta admit, it’s not just about trusting me. it’s about trusting the world. it’s a dangerous place. but i figure that’s just part of the package. gotta take the good with the bad, or you get neither. you get nothing out of life.

the biggest fear i have about the journey is rejection. i don’t want nafees to meet me and be like, jk, i don’t think you’re that great. i don’t want to regret going.

if i did go, it would be next year, though i wish i didn’t have to wait that long.

brent may get a job soon, and i want the dust to settle from that before i make any big leaps.

adam is officially living in minneapolis. the couple of times he visited here before he left, i didn’t see him. so i might not see him for a while. oh well, there’s always the phone i suppose. lol as if i’m going to use a phone 😂

yeah, travel halfway around the world to see someone i’ve never met. but use a phone? that’s too much of a commitment.

i always thought i might be bad, now i’m sure that its true. ‘cause i think you’re so good and i’m nothing like you

i haven’t been sleeping great, and have had to wake up by 5 last week, over the weekend and today, so it’s been a weird, blurry while.

i’m glad there’s such thing as mother’s day, as i like an excuse to buy my mom stuff. i like buying gifts for people. a lot of people deserve more gifts, especially mothers.

i got my mom a necklace and this card.

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it’s funny because it could totally be one of our cats, or a metaphor for me being all destructive and impractical at times, me and my siblings. but we love her and she loves us, for some reason. probably because we’re all so adorable.

i know i complain about my mom a lot, and i bet she wants to complain about me, lol. but i don’t know what i would do without her. she’s my closest friend and the one real constant in my life. without her the world would be like a million times scarier.

there isn’t much going on in my life. though this week i am going to apply for a few universities, which is scary. i’m thinking of this smaller school, which is more expensive and competitive, but i think it would be a good fit for me. i like the idea of getting to know professors and having them actually know who i am.

with steps forward like this my anxiety goes into overdrive of what-ifs. but i’ve talked it over with myself, and there aren’t that many possible pitfalls of applying to a college. the worst thing is that they won’t accept me. and there are so many schools out there.

so i’m nervous but i’ve felt a little better since i found out i passed my last semester.

i’m thinking of trying to completely cut caffeine from my diet. i just rely on it too much, and i worry it messes with my sleep more than i know. i try not to drink anything with caffeine after 12pm, but sometimes have some like to get me through a paper or other homework. it’s not healthy. plus lately i keep getting heartburn, and it’s really annoying. i’d wean myself off of it though so i can avoid headaches.

overall, things are okay. i’m managing like usual. plodding away like the persistent though often unsuccessful treasure that i am.

i figure things may not be going great, but they will keep going, regardless. time is stupid like that. so i might as well enjoy the things before they pass me by on the way to wherever i’m going right now. i may not have this view tomorrow, so i’m going to hold on to it today.

 

 

 

 

i’ve never seen the desert before, to be so close to nothing

this one’s a doozy.

it just hit me like a truck while i was trying to fall asleep the other night: i wish i had killed my self years ago. i’ve wasted so much time on earth. i used to think i could be a different person if i was just in a different place. but i’ve lived long enough, and i’ve travelled far enough that i know i will never be able to change.

lol i will never be able to put my family through my suicide tho.

yet i can’t stop thinking about it when each day ends. i’m just tired, i tell myself each night at 1am. do you ever get so tired that suicide seems like the only option. lol i can sleep when i’m dead.

i will probably not kill myself. so who the fuck cares how much pain i am in, right?

sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt, and all that shit, right?

i broke down in the doctor’s office crying when the doc asked if i was okay, after i filled out the stupid depression questionnaire.

i just feel trapped, i told her.

and i do. i feel like a pathetic little animal. like i would rather chew off my own leg than live here. lol.

i love how everyone is okay with how much my life feels like hell, as long as i don’t kill myself and make them feel bad. it isn’t about me, it’s all about them. like people are always saying there are worse things than death, but they don’t believe it. people will say anything to me, all the lies, as long as i don’t make that final step off the edge.

as an abrupt change of subject, we ate indian food after the doctor. it was good and spicy. lol my mom is so oblivious to everything, good for her. she thinks today was a good day.

i would do anything to let everyone remain oblivious in my life. but my resolve is crumbling. i don’t know how much i can keep this shit up. i need to speak to two of my profs and ask them for some sort of leniency for my shit attendance and school-work ethic. the other one is the religion one and since i’m getting more than 100% in that class currently, i’m not too worried.

okay for now i’m done venting to myself. what a great way to end the day: whining.

patient time will carry me, on her back without a sigh

the basic af poster above my head, 'cause why not go with the night theme

i wake up four times, tossing, turning. force myself back to sleep all four times. finally, the fifth time, i look at my phone to see the time: it is still only 12:30AM. i fell asleep around 10. does time freaking warp when we sleep?

i have to get up around 6. i figure then i get plenty of sleep. but here i am, wide awake. tense. alert. mentally disheveled. it’s that damn paper. i have to write that damn paper tomorrow. it is only four to six pages and i already know the material well, but i’m awake now, my mind drawn to and from the idea of it like a moth to a damn light bulb, and i don’t even feel like falling back to sleep.

i work tomorrow, only 7-12, but i’m trying to rationalize staying up all night and then working and then having all of the rest of tomorrow to write the paper. i’d be tired, and the next day i have to wake up again around 6, go to school around 7, come home around 2:30, and then i can sleep. and the next day i have work. and the next i have class again.

friday, i go to the doctor’s at 9:30. i don’t wanna go and explain everything that’s wrong with me. explain what new meds i’m on and what meds i no longer take. i don’t wanna go through all the hassle of a doctor poking and prodding me. when they hear i have depression, i don’t want them to ask all the questions that come along with that. how often do you think of harming yourself: alll the days, most of the days, a few of the days, or none of the days? ALL THE DAYS.

on a scale of 1-5, how badly do you wanna fuck with death? a solid 4, actually, now that i think about it. which isn’t that bad. see, things are looking up already. lol like the doc will even ask that tho.

now, again, unhappily, i am going to try to fall asleep. i yawn a lot but they’re deceptive. they lure me into a false sense of sleepiness, and then i just lay awake forever, waiting for the sun.