i always thought i might be bad, now i’m sure that its true. ‘cause i think you’re so good and i’m nothing like you

i haven’t been sleeping great, and have had to wake up by 5 last week, over the weekend and today, so it’s been a weird, blurry while.

i’m glad there’s such thing as mother’s day, as i like an excuse to buy my mom stuff. i like buying gifts for people. a lot of people deserve more gifts, especially mothers.

i got my mom a necklace and this card.

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it’s funny because it could totally be one of our cats, or a metaphor for me being all destructive and impractical at times, me and my siblings. but we love her and she loves us, for some reason. probably because we’re all so adorable.

i know i complain about my mom a lot, and i bet she wants to complain about me, lol. but i don’t know what i would do without her. she’s my closest friend and the one real constant in my life. without her the world would be like a million times scarier.

there isn’t much going on in my life. though this week i am going to apply for a few universities, which is scary. i’m thinking of this smaller school, which is more expensive and competitive, but i think it would be a good fit for me. i like the idea of getting to know professors and having them actually know who i am.

with steps forward like this my anxiety goes into overdrive of what-ifs. but i’ve talked it over with myself, and there aren’t that many possible pitfalls of applying to a college. the worst thing is that they won’t accept me. and there are so many schools out there.

so i’m nervous but i’ve felt a little better since i found out i passed my last semester.

i’m thinking of trying to completely cut caffeine from my diet. i just rely on it too much, and i worry it messes with my sleep more than i know. i try not to drink anything with caffeine after 12pm, but sometimes have some like to get me through a paper or other homework. it’s not healthy. plus lately i keep getting heartburn, and it’s really annoying. i’d wean myself off of it though so i can avoid headaches.

overall, things are okay. i’m managing like usual. plodding away like the persistent though often unsuccessful treasure that i am.

i figure things may not be going great, but they will keep going, regardless. time is stupid like that. so i might as well enjoy the things before they pass me by on the way to wherever i’m going right now. i may not have this view tomorrow, so i’m going to hold on to it today.

 

 

 

 

i’ve never seen the desert before, to be so close to nothing

this one’s a doozy.

it just hit me like a truck while i was trying to fall asleep the other night: i wish i had killed my self years ago. i’ve wasted so much time on earth. i used to think i could be a different person if i was just in a different place. but i’ve lived long enough, and i’ve travelled far enough that i know i will never be able to change.

lol i will never be able to put my family through my suicide tho.

yet i can’t stop thinking about it when each day ends. i’m just tired, i tell myself each night at 1am. do you ever get so tired that suicide seems like the only option. lol i can sleep when i’m dead.

i will probably not kill myself. so who the fuck cares how much pain i am in, right?

sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt, and all that shit, right?

i broke down in the doctor’s office crying when the doc asked if i was okay, after i filled out the stupid depression questionnaire.

i just feel trapped, i told her.

and i do. i feel like a pathetic little animal. like i would rather chew off my own leg than live here. lol.

i love how everyone is okay with how much my life feels like hell, as long as i don’t kill myself and make them feel bad. it isn’t about me, it’s all about them. like people are always saying there are worse things than death, but they don’t believe it. people will say anything to me, all the lies, as long as i don’t make that final step off the edge.

as an abrupt change of subject, we ate indian food after the doctor. it was good and spicy. lol my mom is so oblivious to everything, good for her. she thinks today was a good day.

i would do anything to let everyone remain oblivious in my life. but my resolve is crumbling. i don’t know how much i can keep this shit up. i need to speak to two of my profs and ask them for some sort of leniency for my shit attendance and school-work ethic. the other one is the religion one and since i’m getting more than 100% in that class currently, i’m not too worried.

okay for now i’m done venting to myself. what a great way to end the day: whining.

patient time will carry me, on her back without a sigh

the basic af poster above my head, 'cause why not go with the night theme

i wake up four times, tossing, turning. force myself back to sleep all four times. finally, the fifth time, i look at my phone to see the time: it is still only 12:30AM. i fell asleep around 10. does time freaking warp when we sleep?

i have to get up around 6. i figure then i get plenty of sleep. but here i am, wide awake. tense. alert. mentally disheveled. it’s that damn paper. i have to write that damn paper tomorrow. it is only four to six pages and i already know the material well, but i’m awake now, my mind drawn to and from the idea of it like a moth to a damn light bulb, and i don’t even feel like falling back to sleep.

i work tomorrow, only 7-12, but i’m trying to rationalize staying up all night and then working and then having all of the rest of tomorrow to write the paper. i’d be tired, and the next day i have to wake up again around 6, go to school around 7, come home around 2:30, and then i can sleep. and the next day i have work. and the next i have class again.

friday, i go to the doctor’s at 9:30. i don’t wanna go and explain everything that’s wrong with me. explain what new meds i’m on and what meds i no longer take. i don’t wanna go through all the hassle of a doctor poking and prodding me. when they hear i have depression, i don’t want them to ask all the questions that come along with that. how often do you think of harming yourself: alll the days, most of the days, a few of the days, or none of the days? ALL THE DAYS.

on a scale of 1-5, how badly do you wanna fuck with death? a solid 4, actually, now that i think about it. which isn’t that bad. see, things are looking up already. lol like the doc will even ask that tho.

now, again, unhappily, i am going to try to fall asleep. i yawn a lot but they’re deceptive. they lure me into a false sense of sleepiness, and then i just lay awake forever, waiting for the sun.

if he made me in his image then he’s a failure too

i wouldn’t read this one.

i don’t like talking about this with people.. i have a hard enough time making friends, without a divergent worldview.

i used to be religious, but then i realized i didn’t have to be. lol, peer pressure. i used to describe myself as an atheist, as a secular humanist, and now i found a great new word: an apatheist

see, all my friends were religious, and went to an after-school program called release. i don’t really remember what we did there, just normal activities, like games and coloring and such, but with religious overtones.

one day i thought to ask one of my friends, phoebe, why she didn’t go to release. she was younger than all of us, because she was put ahead a grade. even back then i could tell she was very “with-it”. like, very self-aware. i didn’t possess that trait much yet, but could recognize it in others. so i asked her why she didn’t go, and she answered that her family wasn’t religious and that she didn’t really believe in God. and that freaking blew my mind. i was such a follower, so indoctrinated, that it didn’t even cross my mind that it was an option not to believe in God. and so the seed of doubt was planted by a little sinner named phoebe, lmao. my friends back in elementary school were little jerks, as was i. phoebe was kind of apart from all of us, though. i still wonder how she’s doing, but this was forever ago, so i don’t really wanna reach out like a weirdo.

by age 14 i was on my last religious leg. i got sick of the bigotry, the hypocrisy. even now when i encounter it, i feel sick. like this guy in my religion class, who said aloud that he hoped gays knew that they were evil. ugh. i almost lied and said that i was gay, as i wanted to mess with him. but, alas, i didn’t.

sometimes i miss being religious. no questions, no thinking about all the what-ifs in the world. just simple, blind, dumb (not as in stupid, but as in silent) acceptance of fate. but i can’t seem to go back to that headspace. it’s gone, which is okay with me. i was an emotional wreck when i was religious, too, so i don’t think the bible or the torah or the quran could help me now. i don’t think they say anything about mental illness.

i know that religion can be a powerful tool for good, but i just can’t shake the fact that it can be a powerful tool for evil, too. i don’t wanna end up on the bad side of history. though honestly, i enjoy meeting and learning from people of different faiths, as long as it isn’t the toxic sort of faith that makes you think of gay people as evil.

i think i’ve said this before, but i am so mean-spirited and vengeful that the only time i wish i believed in a definitive afterlife, heaven-and-hell type scenario for the universe is when i meet a particularly ugly-on-the-inside person. then i wish with all my heart that there was a special hell for them. and it’s funny, all the bad sorts are so convinced in their own religious or moral superiority, so convinced the good afterlife is waiting for them. i’d probs go to hell. i don’t believe in any deity (and if i did, i still wouldn’t worship any of the current ones ’cause frankly they all seem like narcissistic dicks in the sky). so if there is an afterlife, i’m screwed. which is okay. i’m having such fun here.

i just want everyone, whatever their faith, to not be an ass to me or anyone else. is that too much to ask?

looks around

apparently, yes.

 

why should i pretend that gravity will suddenly surrender?

i have a low-grade fever again. i don’t know what that’s about.

work was hectic today, lots of people shopping.

i work again tomorrow.

then class the next day, then work the next, then class again, then i have a day off. then i work and it all starts over. time is weird.

tonight mom and adam are out to eat, as adam wants to talk to mom about something alone, and brent and his son tanner went out to eat, and i don’t really wanna intrude..so i ate alone like a peasant. i’m cool with it, resigned to it tho.

last night was hard. night is always hard for me. it’s like my mind goes haywire in the silence, thinking every bad thought it can come up with. i try not to cry out loud, as it upsets lucy, lol.

i want so badly to reach out to people in my life on nights like last night, but i know they can’t help me. i don’t even know how to put into words how hopeless i felt. it scares me because it reminds me of that feeling i had years ago, when i tried halfheartedly to end it all, taking a bottle of meds and trying to sleep everything away. in the morning i felt so much more alone and ashamed and twisted up inside. lol, i remember feeling like a rusted up old wreck of metal, emotionally inanimate, aching with decay. lol i don’t know. i just remember the rust kind of feel, like i was being eaten away at by reality. feelings are as weird as time.

i have to figure out when i’m going to visit the hindu temple for my project, have to write a paper on an art museum visit, and i have to study and study until i know everything. i am going to an art museum on tuesday and have a test thursday, so that’s all set up. ugh everything goes so fast sometimes, and i’m so slow. i can’t keep up. or just barely can. everyone else makes it all look easy. how do they do it?

brent is doing his baseball draft thing on his laptop, and his commentary is annoying me. so i’m going to wind down, or up, whichever way whimsy takes me.✌️

i rely on the little things to get me by. conscience says “i’m ok”

i have a fever again, which i shouldn’t have because i just finished a round of antibiotics. i’m still angry and tense and sad at the same time. i don’t want to go to class tomorrow. i don’t know how to help myself.

i have a doctor appointment scheduled april 13. i don’t want to go. but i do at the same time, because nothing feels right..and maybe there’s a reason. i kind of doubt it, i’m an absurdist at heart. there are no reasons, for anything. or, alternatively, it’s ’cause i’m stupid.

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i tend to agree with homer on this one, these days. it’s the simplest answer, the one that makes the most sense.

YOU’RE JUST HAVING A DEPRESSIVE EPISODE, i tell myself in all caps. it’s that simple. no just or righteous reason, my brain just sucks.

i keep thinking about how i have to get up at 4:45 tomorrow and keep going until 3, and i wanna cry. i ache and i’m tired, but i don’t want to sleep. i keep starting things and giving up halfway through. like homework assignments, tv show episodes, life.

ok i’m done whining for now. worst entry ever.

i ain’t circling ’round for saviors

i’m feeling really feverish and lo and behold i have a fever. i feel like pacing. in fact it’s like in my mind, i am pacing. and my face keeps making this sad/anxious expression, brow raised, worried.

what does sanity even feel like? is it like happiness, you only really notice it when it’s gone?

i wanna cry and laugh until every person in the room goes from surprise and concern to boredom, and finally leaves me. cuz really, i just wanna be alone. i don’t even wanna be with my self. my tattered shredded pathetic white flag of a self.

with the oversaturation of media, and endless consumption of various conflict coverage, i don’t know. i just wanna give up a lot. i’m constantly waving that stupid white flag, sometimes when there is not even a “real” fight. for some reason, i feel like a little stick figure endlessly falling, burning, or drowning, in a version of a physics simulation game like falling sand or burning sand or something like this game, circa 2007. yeah, i just spent a while sidetracked with that game. it’s a great game to spend a lot of time on, with nothing, or very little, to show for it. like minecraft. i’m really “good” at games like that.

i guess i still want to be an optimist about the world that has nothing to do with me. but it’s a half-assed hope, like: yeah, we’ll all probably survive, if we don’t die first. so not really hope at all, but humor. laughing is keeping me going. laughing and crying until every person in the room goes from surprise and concern to boredom, and finally leaves me.