the flags are all dead at the top of their poles

we say we’re not like them, but we love a good martyr too. we love a mindless, senseless patriot. someone willing to kill, die, or end up an empty shell for the interests of the governing body and its allies. oh, america. how you ache at the cognitive dissonance of it all. what the hell happened? you were never what you said you were.

there’re two ducks, a male and female, that hang around the house. they like to eat the dried mealworms my mom mixes into the birdseed she puts outside. ducks are cute. they come waddling up, and we make sure not to go outside and disturb them. it’s like a little wildlife refuge, despite being in the middle of town. we get deer that eat from the birdfeeder on our porch, a raccoon that eats the cat food we leave out for stray cats, two squirrels, a chipmunk, a big fat rabbit and one little, young rabbit. so many animals. i love watching them.

one of my fond memories from my childhood is from my grandma’s house, where i’d stay occasionally, especially after my grandfather died. i’d sit in her little sitting area, the windows crowded with flora like jade plants and cacti and geraniums, and at sunset i’d watch the deer through binoculars as they came out of the woods to eat corn my grandma left out for them.

she had two huge gardens. i’d wander through them and the woods, pretending i lived out there. i even built a fort out of tree branches. it was pretty neat.

this was in minnesota, and my grandma had a lady slipper flower, which is actually minnesota’s state flower and so illegal to pick or uproot, and i’m pretty sure she uprooted it at some point to have it. she gave my mother the habit of carrying a shovel in the trunk of the car in case there was something good growing on the side of the road, like wild asparagus or something “fun” like that, haha.

she moved to a smaller place and sold her house way back in 2015. seems like it was just a few months ago.

i remember her yelling at me and my brother for climbing trees on her property. lol she was afraid we would scuff up the branches, not afraid for our safety.

i miss minnesota. the land of 10,000 lakes. the star of the north. i say it a lot, but it’s a great place.

 

 

before i sputter out

 

i’m so exhausted. i feel as though i’ve just travelled a very long way for nothing, and now have the journey back to deal with too.

voting tomorrow, finally. yeah, i’ve put it off until the last minute. i don’t want to vote. let us just decide i’m dictator for life from this moment on. start my own nation of one. no one else can join, i hate everyone right now. i’m a hideously disjointed monster of remorse for actions committed, or actions not commited. i don’t know sometimes whether i’m mad at myself or the world. lulz. i am the freaking world. so, both?

nah i’m not mad at anything really. i just hate feeling cornered like this. i want to feel like i have choice in my life. even the smallest things, like going to work tomorrow. i have no choice.

smh. it makes me laugh in the bitterest of ways.

thomas announced on facebook that everyone should vote hillary tomorrow. what you need to know is that thomas hates hillary clinton. that’s how much a lot of people hate trump. and then you have people voting for trump even though they hate him, because they think he is better than hillary at least. this is what this stupid place has come to. not voting for someone, but voting against someone worse. if i were just a bit more misanthropic, this would all make me cackle in glee. but i’m not, so it just makes me a bit sad.

as i was writing this, there were seven political ads in a row on tv. let it all end now, pls.