i keep my pretty heart safe from my ugly brain

 

i’ve been avoiding the news lately. the world is so vast and beautiful and awe-inspiring, and tiny and cramped and suffocating. i love it and hate it, wanna see it thrive. but if everything came to a whimpering end tomorrow, i doubt i would be too upset.

take note: i wanna get a fish one day, and take stupid good care of it. i’ve been watching videos about low-tech fishtank setups, set to soothing piano music, and i am inspired. i used to have a betta fish, years ago. i barely knew anything about fish though then, and so i doubt i took that great care of it. i tried, but since then i’ve learned that betta fish often build little “nests” out of bubbles (adorable) to house their eggs.. it’s seen as a sign of contentment for a fish to do that when they have no real reason to, like no eggs. and my betta fish never did that. lol but i’d probably obsess over a damn fish ’til i drove myself crazy..

i feel like i’m in limbo right now.

i’m reading a book tho. it’s great. i’ve read like all of the author’s other books, and they are consistently great. i love his style of writing. it’s dark and gritty, but poetic and makes me think. it’s the kind of writing i like to read aloud. it’s the kind of writing style i wish i could have. i wish i could actually ask him questions about his writing, like if his style comes naturally or if he’s cultivated it over time. the thing is though, all of his books are great (according to me). so i think he is just naturally a good writer. i don’t know. i guess writing seriously is a recursive process. it can always be improved. that’s what i like about it. with painting or drawing, often if you go back in and add more, it can just get worse and worse. writing is more readily made better, i think. the more you add and subtract, the clearer it can become, whereas whenever i try and paint more and more, it all just becomes muddier. lol, i might just be a bad artist tho. totally possible/probable.

my sister messaged me, saying she loves/misses me. she still lives in sioux falls. i really miss her. i told her so, and also that it’s like the people you wanna see in life often seem to be the people you never see. i wish she didn’t live in south dakota, ’cause if i went to see her i would have to see my grandparents too. ugh i wish i could just let go of the anger and grudge i have for them. every time i go there, though, they just seem to give me more reasons to hold on to my resentment. i’m probably going to regret my avoidance of them one day. i already do when i think about the future.

i wish i were nicer. i swear at some point in life i was nicer. one day at a time.

 

why should i pretend that gravity will suddenly surrender?

i have a low-grade fever again. i don’t know what that’s about.

work was hectic today, lots of people shopping.

i work again tomorrow.

then class the next day, then work the next, then class again, then i have a day off. then i work and it all starts over. time is weird.

tonight mom and adam are out to eat, as adam wants to talk to mom about something alone, and brent and his son tanner went out to eat, and i don’t really wanna intrude..so i ate alone like a peasant. i’m cool with it, resigned to it tho.

last night was hard. night is always hard for me. it’s like my mind goes haywire in the silence, thinking every bad thought it can come up with. i try not to cry out loud, as it upsets lucy, lol.

i want so badly to reach out to people in my life on nights like last night, but i know they can’t help me. i don’t even know how to put into words how hopeless i felt. it scares me because it reminds me of that feeling i had years ago, when i tried halfheartedly to end it all, taking a bottle of meds and trying to sleep everything away. in the morning i felt so much more alone and ashamed and twisted up inside. lol, i remember feeling like a rusted up old wreck of metal, emotionally inanimate, aching with decay. lol i don’t know. i just remember the rust kind of feel, like i was being eaten away at by reality. feelings are as weird as time.

i have to figure out when i’m going to visit the hindu temple for my project, have to write a paper on an art museum visit, and i have to study and study until i know everything. i am going to an art museum on tuesday and have a test thursday, so that’s all set up. ugh everything goes so fast sometimes, and i’m so slow. i can’t keep up. or just barely can. everyone else makes it all look easy. how do they do it?

brent is doing his baseball draft thing on his laptop, and his commentary is annoying me. so i’m going to wind down, or up, whichever way whimsy takes me.✌️

and if love is a drug, i don’t want it, because i don’t have any self control

it’s midnight and i’m in the basement because it’s thundering a tiny bit and lucy is afraid.

i had the usual dream that has become rather unusual as my mind tries to buck away from its habitual obsessions to focus on new ones. the old ones, the old dreams are rare now, and made more precious because of it. also more poisonous.

i’m walking through a party, because i know you’re there. but you’ve left. i look everywhere, and you’re gone. you just left the room. you just turned the corner. it’s like a maze of other people smiling and laughing, and me, alone, looking for you. this time i don’t wind up outside in the snow and stars, the dream doesn’t reach this sad crescendo. it just ends with me realizing you’re not there, not anywhere near me.

the dream is a bit on the nose, lol. real life occasionally mirrors it. i find myself at get-togethers, too afraid to be obvious, to ask if you’re there. so i just wander, looking for you..and of course you’re never there. you’re somewhere else, living a different life. i guess i have to accept that.

the last time i saw you i was a different person with a different agenda, a different heart, a different mind. i didn’t know much about anything outside myself. i don’t even know who you are anymore, and i don’t know who, or how, to ask. i don’t even know why i held on to you in my mind, why i ever found comfort in thoughts of star-crossed love, brought to fruition. that path is gone. it’s dead, with all the others. i guess my mind just hasn’t caught up to reality, which is definitely a theme brought up in my life over and over.

sometimes i feel as though i don’t belong in reality anyway. i’ve spent some time apart and i don’t think it lives up to the hype. oh well. as everyone in my life keeps saying, it is what it is. and there is something so final and concrete about that, that i wanna fight it, because honestly that’s my place, i think, fighting things, ideas, concepts, truths. i sometimes just want to ignore the truth so i don’t have to fight it or accept it fully, but that never works for long. something always reminds me of you and i’m back on the stupid, gaudy, rococo train of thought that i’m pretty sure is love, and though everyone’s always spouting on about it, it is the saddest, most futile thing i’ve ever witnessed myself engaging in. so, as some wise, eloquent, probably long dead person said, that sucks.

and unfortunately i’ve found myself agreeing with the naysayers.

i’m here, and you’re merely a gesture in some vague direction to me. that’s how far apart we are, in body and mind. so yeah, sarah, give up, give in. this idea you hold is dead and you’re just sadly, obstinately oblivious to it half the time. and the other half you’re in mourning for it. just let go.

it is what it is.

yeah, i don’t know..

i guess i’m back being a depressed piece of shit who makes grand declarations to be better one day and overdoses on clonazepam to sleep and blacks out, the next.

i really don’t know.

last night i really thought it was going to be it. i’m like, i wanna be dead or hospitalized by the time this night is through. and here i sit, neither. thought about even texting my therapist, but i doubted it would make anything better so i didn’t.

i don’t know how to describe the feelings i feel. have you ever overdosed on medications, fell asleep, and woke up, not sure if you are disappointed or relieved? yeah, me neither, lol.

i just feel ugly and twisted, on the inside. every way to every positive or even just rational thought is just a labyrinth that can’t be overcome, that i just don’t have the energy to traverse sometimes.

you know, it’s funny, the thing that set me off was so dumb. this girl i’ve known for years deleted me off facebook. i don’t know when and i don’t know why, but hey, its okay, my mind does. it’s because she hates me. no, that’s not believable, i’m not dynamic enough to hate. it’s just that she realized, as she saw my name pop up on her little facebook friends thing, that she just didn’t give a shit about me. that i’m just not worth being connected to in any way. and then i thought this thought, about all of the people on facebook. they all think i’m just a big piece of not-worth-mentioning.

and then of course my mind just goes into overdrive of negativity. i think about all the people, all of the so-called friends i have online, irl, everywhere, and how they never even spend a minute of their day thinking about me.

that’s one of the main reasons i get sick of being friends with people. they never give a shit about me. i think it’s going great and i do every little stupid friendly thing i can think of. but it’s for nothing. i could slit my fucking wrists and bleed out in public, all melodramatic style, and years later i would just be a somewhat sad cautionary tale for them. something they aspire to never be. they wouldn’t remember me, they would remember that last hurrah of blood. idk…

i just really hurt for no real, apparent reason. i didn’t even really like said girl on facebook very much. i never got the impression she liked me that much, either.

it just hurts, because i bust my ass trying to seem normal and kind, nice and well-adjusted, and i’m pretty sure people just end up seeing right thru it, if only in a subconscious way. i just wanna be liked. i don’t care if i’m loved, i just want people to be mildly fond of me. i can’t even freaking manage mildly fond.

today at work i spent the whole time just fuming on the inside, crying on the inside, screaming, all on the inside. on the outside, i laughed at people’s jokes and tried to make myself useful. i thought i could salvage what was left of my emotional sanity if work just went well enough. it didn’t go well enough. i’m home now, and i’m honestly thinking about how fucking shit everything is. in my little world, in the whole world, shit, shit, shit. we can go on twitter and joke about it all we want, we can have polite discussions about it all we want, but it doesn’t change the truth.

but hey, again, i don’t know.

 

if it were any colder i could disengage, if i were any older i could act my age

i feel like i’m fading.

holidays wear heavy on me. like cold, heavy, awkward jewelry, wrapped around my throat.

like decorations on a rapidly dying tree.

every year gets a little more bitter with the sweet. the taste gets a little more overbearing.

either it’s with family, and i’m wrapped in a deep awareness of how alone i am even with them, so caught up in some abysmal reality instead of the one they seem to walk in. i focus too much on minor details until there are millions of them and i just want to get away to something simpler. that or i’m hunched over in other memories. other times. always something other tho.

in the other holidays, i’m alone, and everything bears down the same but i’m also alone so i can just cope with it, alone. i don’t need to put up some stupid front. i still do, but at least it’s allowable for it to be a bit fragile and haphazardly spun upon close inspection.

this year it was the latter for thanksgiving. i was going to go up to minnesota over the weekend to celebrate with family, but i work instead. i would have been happy to not go, but working it seems like another feather heavier, and it is too much. well, not quite, but almost.

every year on thanksgiving we decorate wreaths for winter, of grapevines and evergreen and bittersweet vines. it was fun when i was young. it’s lost its appeal, gotten more and more dull as the years have gone on.

so this year nothing marked the actual day. i briefly thought about what i was thankful for.   i realized it’s not a thing, a possession, thankfulness. it’s an emotion. and i don’t possess it right at this moment. i am ungrateful at this time.  but i’m hopeful at least, that tomorrow may hold better things.

only happy when it rains

i don’t want anything today. everything seems broken and filthy and rotting today. i work tomorrow. put on my friendly mask and make the strangers smile. i fell apart in my shrink appt. talked about the suicidal thoughts. my family is the only thing holding me back. but i’m so alone, even with them. sometimes people have no present reason to be unhappy. sometimes they just are. sometimes that’s all there is. it obliterates everything else until that is all there is. i’m the only person in this place.