i have waited with a glacier’s patience

my days are a mindless routine. i wake up waay to early, check for messages. fall back asleep. wake up waay too late. check for messages. go downstairs. take my meds. walk lucy. i fill the rest of the time with empty, boring chores and try to read and write and be some sort of productive. i watch snippets of episodes online, getting bored or impatient partway through. i walk lucy multiple times. i do laundry. i clean. i vacuum. i try to fill the hours. is this it? i try to finish up everything before 4, when i feed lucy. then i wait for the parents to get home. if there is a baseball game on i hang around a while to make fun of the players, look at their stats online, make brent guess how tall each of them is, what city they were born in. then i make fun of them more. i’m a simple soul, i like to make fun of people.

i go upstairs after bringing lucy outside one last time for the night. she is having a hard time getting up the stairs lately (the vet thinks this is because of her bad sight) and we are having to mix her food with special freeze-dried mixer stuff because she won’t finish her food otherwise. i coax her up the stairs, feeling low the whole while, at how cruel time is. she settles down in her bed eventually. i send off some messages. i eventually dwindle off to sleep.

my days are being eaten up by nothingness. i’m bored, existentially. i’m trying to be dramatic here. it’s not that bad. i’m just in a rut. i need to find something to complete me, asap. ok that’s dramatic as well.

i am having a bit of a hard time dealing with lucy getting older. she is almost 16. she may already be 16 and i may be in denial. for a lab, this is an especially impressive age. she is doing well for that age too. the worst thing is her blood sugar and her sight. she has a really hard time getting up into the car so it breaks my heart a little bit every time we bring her to the vet.

we’re going off to new york in a couple of weeks. i will worry about her while we are there. we’re having her board at a dog daycare place. it’s really nice and everything, but they don’t know her. i worry about them feeding her too much or not enough or not walking her, or her being lonely or scared. everything is painful about her in my mind right now. bittersweet.

bittersweet is a great word. it can be used to describe so much in life.

now i gotta wait around and watch you burn so bright

i wasn’t accepted at the school i really wanted to attend. i’m not going to let this ruin my day or week though. they jerked me around forever deciding whether to accept me with my shaky past, and i felt like shit for it. i feel like i’m in limbo again, but i’m not going to cry over this. there are other schools. i’ll be okay.

my mom said it might be for the best as we’re sort of in limbo about moving, too. it all depends if my stepdad lands a job. so if i started school and then they moved, that would suck. he has interviews lined up in minneapolis and washington d.c.

out of the two i would like to live in minneapolis more, because my little bro is about to move up there. plus it’s just a nice city. but d.c. is like 4 hours from nyc, and that’s where my other brother lives. so either one would be cool.

the only annoyance i really have pertains to my dad, as he will be upset if he hears i’m moving. i haven’t spoken to him in a while. not on purpose. it’s not like he’s called me either. i am just really distracted from everything. i feel like i’m being pulled in a few different directions at once. i don’t know what the future holds at this point.

my mood’s been kind of all over the place lately, with everything. it’s up, then it’s down, then it’s up again. tiny things, little words change my entire perspective.

 

i dreamt we spoke again

the world seems crazy bright lately. it’s almost blinding. kind of annoying, like a super sunny day, light in my eyes.

i’m still waiting on my first choice college to decide my fate. i emailed the admissions advisor and he said it should be some time this coming week now. he totally said that a couple of weeks ago. i’m hopeful tho.

i know my college career was rocky at first, and i didn’t have the best grades or gpa, but for once i feel motivated to try again. hit restart and just forget that person i was.

the advisor asked me about when i started school, and what the reason was for my shitty grades. well, he phrased it more tactfully. so i issued a personal statement for the admissions committee explaining my past and how i am presently in a much better place, and have a support system and medication/treatment plan in place, and am much more compliant, accepting with my diagnosis, and willing to seek help.

ugh and then, of course, i second guess myself. am i in a better place? i want to be so bad right now. i want to begin again. i want to be better. if not for myself, then for other people in my life. that’s probably the worst thing about it though: i still don’t really value myself enough to do things for the sake of my wellbeing. i still go through the motions for the people around me. i need to work on that whole self-regard thing. i will get there though. i have people rooting for me. i will decide to do the same. i deserve it.

i haven’t been working much, and it’s been driving me a bit stir-crazy, but if that’s the worst thing i have going for me, i’m good. plus i think it is a good sign it has been weighing on me, as i have more energy and more motivation. i just want to do something, get moving forward. so yeah, things are looking up.

 

 

fact isn’t what you see, not anymore

i keep cycling through being overjoyed & optimistic, and depressed, paranoid, and irritable.

i don’t know what is going on in my mind. i feel really frustrated and nervous and scared, but also happy, satisfied, and at peace. i don’t know how to describe it. my anxiety is killing me i think.

i haven’t really been eating much. i feel shaky and tired.

things are going better than expected. only time will tell how everything will turn out. for now, i’m going to continue the emotional rollercoaster that is my existence, and hope really hard that things turn out.

there’s a ten hour time difference between us, but me and nafees talk everyday pretty much, somehow. it’s like we’ve fallen back into the closeness we had when we were younger, easily. and it’s even easier now. we both have smart phones and can message each other instantly instead of using a glitchy poetry website to communicate. it’s nice.

it’s the fourth of july and i’m sick of listening to illegal fireworks going off to celebrate freedom. like, it is legal to buy them in the city but illegal to set them off. america makes sense so little sometimes. i’m off to bed ~~

killing it with close inspection. killing it can only make it worse, it sort of makes it breed

i’m avoiding my mom. haven’t talked to her or even seen her since she came home. what’s the point? she’s not going to apologize, and i’m not going to apologize. not this time. i always end up apologizing to people just to get rid of the whole situation. i take the blame. i remember when i was little, and i learned the word scapegoat. i remember thinking, ‘that’s me’. i just let the blame rain down on me. i was once literally told that i had ruined christmas. lolol. and i was what, 12? and i believed it for the longest time, that i was the bad kid, the troubled child. fuck, i still half believe it. and now i’m the bad adult, the troubled adult. i miss being a troubled child. no….. i don’t. back then when people told me what i was, i believed them. no matter how terrible or contrary to reality it was. and although their words still echo through my head forever, i’m believing the words less and less.

still, i have that stupid feeling where tears are just beneath the surface. like if anyone asked me if i was okay, i would start bawling. i am okay though. i’m totally okay. this too shall pass.

after all the laughter, emptiness prevails

my therapist got a new puppy, as one of her dogs died. she loves daschunds. his name is murphy. he is still too young to know his name, and so he just kind of ignores ya, unless you seem really interesting, or are wearing shoes that are fun to bite (i was). she brought him on friday. here he is in all of his glory:

FullSizeRender

no photo could ever capture how tiny and precious he is.

i got mad at my mom the other day. totally blew up at her through text. stupid sarah…

now i’m terrified. she’s coming home later today. it’s about 7, i’ve been up for a few hours. i work later today. she hasn’t texted me back at all.

in good news, i’ve been talking to nafees, that guy from pakistan. he seems happy, which i’m happy about. the place he lives is gorgeous. i remember researching swat when i knew him years ago. queen elizabeth visited it once, decades ago, and referred to it as the switzerland of the east, due to the idyllic mountain scenery.

i remember describing to him the black hills in south dakota when i was about to take a trip there. lol the closest thing to mountains i’d ever experienced. i mean, i’ve been to switzerland, but airports don’t count.

i’ve been watching cartoons in my spare time. it’s sad. i’ve run outta good grown-up shows. well, i’ve been watching a show called killing eve, which i find funny, though i’m not sure it’s always supposed to be funny.

the cartoons i choose to watch are steven universe, which was actually a show i didn’t initially “get”. i retried it months later, and then got hooked on it. the second show is star vs. the forces of evil, which is so different than what i thought it would be. it kind of reminds me of a magical girl style anime, but better. i didn’t like it at first but someone online recommended it, and i wanted to see it through. and before i knew it, i’d run out of episodes. i will be the first to admit i’m childish, but at least the childish things i partake of have actual plots. i mean, there are a few standalone episodes, but they fit in with the grand scheme in their own way.

whatever. both shows are on hiatus right now, and so i’m sad. i think i’m going to try taking up watercolor painting again. i suck at it, it’s hard. but i’m going to try. lol, i could paint fanart. hahaha. i always wanted to be that kind of person.

i’m still waiting to hear back from the college i applied for. i sent them my official previous college transcripts and everything, and they’ve received them, and now i just gotta wait.

i’ll still see you in everything

tl; dr: i’m sad but it’s all okay. lol why didn’t i just type that to begin with. could’ve saved myself so much time.

 

i try not to say too much to people sometimes, because i’m terrified, honestly, of saying something i’ll regret. saying something wrong. even online, i kick myself sometimes for speaking up to people in forums. i am really rather opinionated, about all sorts of dumb things, but half the time people wouldn’t know it because i don’t say anything.

i have not yet regretted staying silent, but i have regretted things i have said. not to say that there’s anything wrong with standing up for what you believe in. i’m just obsessed with being right, so what if later on i find out my thought process was flawed, or i was just flat out wrong in what i said? i can’t continuously issue retractions and clarifications on things i have said. i’d look like a constantly erroneous idiot. like our president, for instance. though i couldn’t actually see he who must not be named admitting he was wrong or restating things in a clear, intelligible manner. what was it he said, again? covfefe? lol, it will always be funny and sad to me.

idk… i guess i worry too much about everything. i just gotta realize most people don’t care what i say, lol. they aren’t going to be picking apart my words and phrases with the same care in which i would.

something’s been bothering me the last few days.

my brother is actually my half-brother, with a different father than mine. his dad has turned into quite an awful person. no. he’s always been awful. he told my brother that he was a disappointment. and this is after my brother graduated college, and is going to be moving to minneapolis, minnesota to work as an emt to gain clinical hours, so he can then go to school to be a physician assistant. he is a smart, talented, capable kid, who any good father would be proud of.

but, to make it about me, as usual. i cried at the idea of my brother being told he was a disappointment, almost scoffed at it, as my mom said something similar about me being a disappointment years ago when i was at a particular low. and this was during a time when i had nobody but my mom. people just like to kick when you’re already down.

it’s ironic. her acting all angry and dismayed that he could be such a terrible person to say that to his son. as if it were anywhere near enough to the truth to hurt?! when she has said something identical to her daughter?!

i guess it’s okay to say it if it’s obviously true.

to hear her getting upset about adam’s dad, who has never been an actual father to his son, saying it to adam, who is probably the most well-rounded and well-adjusted sibling i have, i don’t know. it’s preposterous. adam has done nothing in his life but succeed. his father has no right to say anything to adam because he has done nothing to help him in his life. in no way shape or form has adam ever been a disappointment.

i remember in math class, too many years ago, my teacher saying that ‘good things happen to good people= good. bad things happening to bad people=good’ et cetera to explain multiplying positive and negative numbers. i remember thinking i must be either a bad person to feel so bad for good things happening to me, or a good person who feels bad for having bad things happen to me. lol as if life makes as much sense as math.

it simply hurts that my mom doesn’t see how much she hurt me but immediately worries about adam’s stupid feelings about his stupid dad. i don’t even think she remembers saying it to me.

but sometimes it’s all i remember. that’s what’s mind-boggling too: how can something that is so insignificant to her that she doesn’t even think of it, even when a mirror situation presents itself, be something i think of almost every day.

and why do i even care so much? i don’t know. i guess it is because my mom is probably the only person who has ever really loved me, in spite of things, unconditionally. with my dad, he loves me, but only if i act a certain way. he loves me, but only under certain conditions. i bet i could chase him away with the horror that is my reality, easy.

 

in other news, i fell into the clickhole that is youtube, watching clips from futurama. classic show, really. great moments. i’m trying to connnect this vid to something in my life, anything, to justify its presence here. here it is:

 

tagging myself: i’m the train that crashed into the other train. also, the governor lady.