we are in our new house. i would like it if i was into liking things anymore.

i’m really really down. i don’t know if i’m going to be writing anymore after this. i’m back to abusing clonazepam to sleep. i have no good left in me. that’s what it feels like. i have nobody anymore. it feels like everyone has given up on me, so why shouldn’t i, tho?

even my reasons for opting out of suicide are selfish: i wouldn’t be able to bear the guilt and shame that failed attempts inevitably bring. and i would fail at it, like i fail at every last fucking thing. i am incapable of living though. incompatible with human life and all that it means.

i keep looking at internships with NGOs halfheartedly, and am almost done with the whole common application thing for schools, but i just feel like a fucking loser for hoping i could ever get a job that i liked like that. i feel like an imposter.

i don’t want to eat, i’ve decided to quit eating. so i sleep instead. the hours i’m awake are productive, so as to not arouse suspicion, but i am now alone for most of the day so i covertly sleep most of the time away. i wake up over and over at night because i don’t think people are meant to sleep this much. i save my calories for when people are around, so nobody worries.

i send pictures of xmas lights in old alexandria and ivy and japanese maple leaves around our yard to nafees and pretend i’m doing great. i don’t want to burden him with the weight of my actual self. i don’t know what the fuck i’m doing.

i used to love nature. i had a weird lonely fascination with it. now i only go outside when i am forced to. like to walk my dog.

i used to love humanity, as flawed as it is. i had such hopes for the world, almost naively so. i really thought i could have a place in it.

i’m going to go take a shower so my dog doesn’t hear me crying. she’s the only one who ever hears me cry and i think she’s beginning to hate me for it.

we are in old town alexandria, staying at a hotel until the old homeowners of our new house finish moving out tomorrow night.

the way here was crazy. we started driving around 3pm and then drove all night, arrived in our ohio hotel at about 4AM. most of the way, it was either sleeting or raining. we left the hotel around 8AM and then drove to falls church, where my mom’s new job is. she did some paperwork for about an hour and then we continued on to alexandria.

i think i got a bit dehydrated. i barely drank anything, and my lips started burning and are now peeling.

i am going to tell my dad that we moved tonight. though we are pretty much already here, i’m going to tell him, actually, that we are moving in a couple of weeks. i’m going to go back to kansas for xmas i think, to be all appeasing.

the cats are in big wire dog cages, split up by two and three. they took the journey pretty well, though getting them in the cages was terrible. they freaked out. by the time we got them in the car though and were on our way, they settled down. lucy has her bed, and she is currently laying in it. she has barely eaten anything, so i worry. but we checked her blood sugar and will continue to keep an eye on it, and she is good. she is at least drinking. the worst of it all is over.


sleeping only makes you tired

we are leaving on friday for virginia, like it or not. ready, or not..

i still haven’t told my dad that i’m moving, lmao…. T_T

i’m working on my resume. i want to get an internship with an ngo or something similar. i don’t even care if i make any money. i just want experience, something to help me on my way. there are so many ngo opportunities in the DC area, it’s overwhelming. and little old me, i don’t think i’m at all qualified for any of them. all i have is experience in retail. i don’t even know how those skills would apply. customer service, shrink management. lol, counting money and keeping a balanced safe. no idea how any of that would make me stand out.

i had both netflix and hulu for a few months, but i cancelled them both, as i am no longer making money. my brother still has hulu through his school, because they seemed to have forgotten to cancel it or something, as he graduated. so anyway, he gave me his password to both that and his netflix password. we are so spoiled for options of things to watch, timewasters.

i’ve been watching castlevania, which, going on absolutely no foreknowledge, i thought would be a lot more lighthearted. it’s gothic and dark. i like it.

my mom is in a foul mood at all times, and the larger part of me doesn’t blame her. there is so much to do, so much going on. and she barely has any help. just me, really. i mean, i’m not in a great mood either, but i am great at hiding it.

i have been sleeping on the couch for the last coupla weeks, so my back hurts and i’m tired all the time, which is rather unfortunate in itself, but there is also a lot to do before we move. i feel like i’m no help. my stuff is basically all packed up now, and i am very little help to my mom i feel. she won’t let me do anything because like me she is a control freak, and so all i’m good for is moral support.

ooh and i went to the doctor, and apparently i have polycystic ovary syndrome. i went in just to be put on birth control because my periods are crazy irregular, and the doc asked me a few questions, did some blood tests, and a few days later i had the diagnosis. so not only are my hormones totally fucked (no wonder i’m an emotional wreck haha), also, i will probs have a hard time having children if i ever change my mind on that. so that’s great. i mean, i didn’t really want biological children, but i didn’t want the option taken away.

oh i guess i’m going to vote today. last important thing i’m going to do in iowa.

good luck to me in my endeavors.


your silence won’t do you any favors

my mom’s in virginia, house hunting. today she saw a house she and brent really liked in alexandria and may even put an offer in on it.

my brother was here from minneapolis for a few days. he left yesterday. he helped with some dismantling, packing, and moving things into the garage. at one point he sawed the living room entertainment center/bookshelf in half, lmao, with a little handsaw. it was that or leave it in the house, because that thing was enormous, heavier than it looked, and totally unwieldy. before we decided it needed to be sawed in half, adam took off one of the glass doors and it shattered, with tiny little chunks of glass all over. took forever to clean up. it kind of sucks we totally destroyed it in hindsight, as though i didn’t really like how gigantic it was, it’s a shame it will go completely to waste.


later in the day we put together a little mid-century-looking sofa my mom purchased to stage in the house. it was waaay more difficult than it should have been thanks to a terrible instruction manual and our general incompetence. kidding, it was all the instructions’ fault. they didn’t specify which washer to use in which step, and so we used the bigger washer, assuming that it was the right one. it was a total cluster of trying to get the damn screws in. i swear it took like 2-3 hours and a lot of clumsy maneuvering, trying to get different pieces lined up. plus, now that it is put together and in the corner of the living room with cardboard draped around it for protection, the cats are obsessed with it. i’ve had to scare them away from scratching at it several times now.

so the day before yesterday, and yesterday, were good, productive days. today, in contrast, was not. i mean, i cleaned up a bit and did laundry, but i left a lot to do before tomorrow night, when my mom gets home. classic me, waiting for the pressure to really light a fire under me.

i’m kind of scared with everything changing, but i’ll just keep on moving forward. or at least try to not go any farther back.


wish I could speak in just one sweep, what you are and what you mean to me

i’m kind of irritable lately but i hide it really well. my mom is kind of irritable, and she is not so great at hiding it. she snaps at me, interrupting my constant stream of shitty jokes, and then she makes some excuse for snapping, then tries to be funny. i laugh and go along with it. i am so sick of feeling like all i am is a bother to others, an annoyance. i look forward to my bi-weekly therapist visit because it’s the only time i sort of feel like someone is listening to me. and that will end soon when we move. no more therapist for a while. i don’t even know why i bother talking otherwise. i might become mute, i’ve decided.

i’ve been trying to keep busy. there’s a lot to do and it’s overwhelming. i don’t know where to start on a lot of things.

so i sit and stare a lot, eyes unfocused, looking at nothing, thinking about nothing.

i still haven’t told my dad we’re moving. i’m in denial. i’m in denial about a lot of things tbh.

my last day of work is sunday. i’ve been there for five years. it’s gonna be wild.



so let us not talk falsely now

we are catsitting bootsie again for a couple of weeks. he is the cutest. though he is easy to trip over as he will follow ya around anywhere. lol i caught a pic of him with his tongue out:


the moving process is really getting to my mom. there is just so much to do and she doesn’t know where to start. it’s so overwhelming. today i’m going to start changing out doorknobs for her at least. i don’t actually know how to yet, but i figure there’s a youtube video for that.

her interview in virginia went really well. she was offered the job and more: they said she should also apply for a supervisory position that was open, as she would most likely get it instead. she is happy, but would probably be starting november 10, which is looming too close for comfort.

i’m most likely going to give my two weeks notice sometime in the next few days, which is crazy. i just got a pin and a certificate that shows that i have been there for five years. insanity. i always tell people i meant to quit within the first few weeks and just never followed through.

it rains constantly. i love it, i hate it. there are worms out everywhere, covering the sidewalk and even the street. i feel a stupid hero thing where i feel as though i have to rescue every single stupid one or i’m a moderately bad person, but i try to ignore it. i try to tell myself that you can’t save every single thing in the world. lol i guess i’m moderately bad then.

years ago at my aunt’s house in the minnesota countryside, in the barn, i was alone. my mom and aunt were in town, getting groceries or something. there was a kitten that was fading, dying rapidly for seemingly no reason. it was probably around 7 weeks old? i was around 7 or 8 years old, and was so confused and terrified.

my cousin was supposed to be watching me but was upstairs playing video games with his friend. i remember bringing the kitten inside and bundling it up in a towel, as it was growing so cold. i checked its gums, not knowing really what to do. they were so pale. ha, i even brought the kitten back into the barn to its mother, who was an untame feral. in my helplessness, i hoped she would somehow help it. but she wouldn’t come near. i tried giving the kitten water, but it was totally lethargic and wouldn’t drink.

so anyway, the kitten ended up dying within the hour. i was heartbroken. i brought it out to the end of the grove, where a soybean field met the trees. i buried it, still wrapped in the towel, under an oak as the sun set.

i don’t know if i told my mom right away about the kitten. i felt like it was my fault, even at that idiotic age. probably more so than i would now. kids are rather irrational and simplistic about blame i suppose. i held a grudge against my cousin for years for not being there for me.

i think instances in my life like that one kitten have shaped my moral compass rather severely. i had bad anxiety even swimming in my grandma’s pool growing up as i felt the need to rescue drowning insects, feeling like if i failed to try, i was losing sight of the preciousness of even the smallest life.

idk, i think it’s probably some sort of disorder, haha. i wish i was humblebragging or the like, but i actually find this whole quality of mine detrimental instead of helpful in most instances. i am all too ready to let myself suffer emotionally or physically if it means helping someone or something else. i have a terrible perspective on the measure of other lives versus my own. it usually ends up hurting me in the long run. awareness is suffering, existence is pain, yadda yadda yadda. i guess i just feel like if you help, sometimes it’s useless and for nothing. but how do you know until you try? and if i didn’t try, i’d regret it. if i do try, sometimes i regret it too tho. so try, don’t try. who really cares. i’ll probs feel a bit bad no matter what i do. might as well continue trying for the sake of neurotic consistency.


born to be down

the world is like a parody that went too far with the material and lost itself in absurdity. i don’t know whether to laugh or cry so i do nothing but wring my hands and wonder where the fuck we went wrong. i wanna leave but there is no distance far enough to escape the insanity, the inanity, the injustice.

times like these remind me why i’m all anti-theology. what sick, twisted mind would come up with a world like this? maybe me, but in an ironic way. but as much as i joke about being a glorious god-queen, i don’t reckon i would be egotistical or sadistic enough to make such a cold world that, as full as it is, often feels so devoid of meaning or i don’t know; resolution or something. like, where is the clarity? we’re all among the filth and muck and we will never be clean, we’ll just be dead. sometimes the best part of a story is the end, and the world contains many of these stories.

as much as some people aspire towards something bright and white-washed pure, they are such brutal, repugnant monsters that deserve nothing but their own miserable company. do they not see what a joke it is that they pretend moral righteousness while they lie, cheat, steal, rape, murder, covet, et cetera?

i look across at the multitudes and i see nothing good among them sometimes, just lesser evils. i don’t want to be the unforgiving type, but why forgive someone when they are not asking for anything like forgiveness? they are past feelings of conscience. and i’m not here to play jiminy cricket to their lying-ass peter pan bullshit. i get sick of having to be patient and kind and understanding while on the inside i seethe and boil over. or better yet, rant online.

sorry this was so dark. i swear i’m not even down or anything. i’m past feeling anything but a slow disdainful shake of the head made into a feeling.