so let us not talk falsely now

we are catsitting bootsie again for a couple of weeks. he is the cutest. though he is easy to trip over as he will follow ya around anywhere. lol i caught a pic of him with his tongue out:

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the moving process is really getting to my mom. there is just so much to do and she doesn’t know where to start. it’s so overwhelming. today i’m going to start changing out doorknobs for her at least. i don’t actually know how to yet, but i figure there’s a youtube video for that.

her interview in virginia went really well. she was offered the job and more: they said she should also apply for a supervisory position that was open, as she would most likely get it instead. she is happy, but would probably be starting november 10, which is looming too close for comfort.

i’m most likely going to give my two weeks notice sometime in the next few days, which is crazy. i just got a pin and a certificate that shows that i have been there for five years. insanity. i always tell people i meant to quit within the first few weeks and just never followed through.

it rains constantly. i love it, i hate it. there are worms out everywhere, covering the sidewalk and even the street. i feel a stupid hero thing where i feel as though i have to rescue every single stupid one or i’m a moderately bad person, but i try to ignore it. i try to tell myself that you can’t save every single thing in the world. lol i guess i’m moderately bad then.

years ago at my aunt’s house in the minnesota countryside, in the barn, i was alone. my mom and aunt were in town, getting groceries or something. there was a kitten that was fading, dying rapidly for seemingly no reason. it was probably around 7 weeks old? i was around 7 or 8 years old, and was so confused and terrified.

my cousin was supposed to be watching me but was upstairs playing video games with his friend. i remember bringing the kitten inside and bundling it up in a towel, as it was growing so cold. i checked its gums, not knowing really what to do. they were so pale. ha, i even brought the kitten back into the barn to its mother, who was an untame feral. in my helplessness, i hoped she would somehow help it. but she wouldn’t come near. i tried giving the kitten water, but it was totally lethargic and wouldn’t drink.

so anyway, the kitten ended up dying within the hour. i was heartbroken. i brought it out to the end of the grove, where a soybean field met the trees. i buried it, still wrapped in the towel, under an oak as the sun set.

i don’t know if i told my mom right away about the kitten. i felt like it was my fault, even at that idiotic age. probably more so than i would now. kids are rather irrational and simplistic about blame i suppose. i held a grudge against my cousin for years for not being there for me.

i think instances in my life like that one kitten have shaped my moral compass rather severely. i had bad anxiety even swimming in my grandma’s pool growing up as i felt the need to rescue drowning insects, feeling like if i failed to try, i was losing sight of the preciousness of even the smallest life.

idk, i think it’s probably some sort of disorder, haha. i wish i was humblebragging or the like, but i actually find this whole quality of mine detrimental instead of helpful in most instances. i am all too ready to let myself suffer emotionally or physically if it means helping someone or something else. i have a terrible perspective on the measure of other lives versus my own. it usually ends up hurting me in the long run. awareness is suffering, existence is pain, yadda yadda yadda. i guess i just feel like if you help, sometimes it’s useless and for nothing. but how do you know until you try? and if i didn’t try, i’d regret it. if i do try, sometimes i regret it too tho. so try, don’t try. who really cares. i’ll probs feel a bit bad no matter what i do. might as well continue trying for the sake of neurotic consistency.