i keep my pretty heart safe from my ugly brain

 

i’ve been avoiding the news lately. the world is so vast and beautiful and awe-inspiring, and tiny and cramped and suffocating. i love it and hate it, wanna see it thrive. but if everything came to a whimpering end tomorrow, i doubt i would be too upset.

take note: i wanna get a fish one day, and take stupid good care of it. i’ve been watching videos about low-tech fishtank setups, set to soothing piano music, and i am inspired. i used to have a betta fish, years ago. i barely knew anything about fish though then, and so i doubt i took that great care of it. i tried, but since then i’ve learned that betta fish often build little “nests” out of bubbles (adorable) to house their eggs.. it’s seen as a sign of contentment for a fish to do that when they have no real reason to, like no eggs. and my betta fish never did that. lol but i’d probably obsess over a damn fish ’til i drove myself crazy..

i feel like i’m in limbo right now.

i’m reading a book tho. it’s great. i’ve read like all of the author’s other books, and they are consistently great. i love his style of writing. it’s dark and gritty, but poetic and makes me think. it’s the kind of writing i like to read aloud. it’s the kind of writing style i wish i could have. i wish i could actually ask him questions about his writing, like if his style comes naturally or if he’s cultivated it over time. the thing is though, all of his books are great (according to me). so i think he is just naturally a good writer. i don’t know. i guess writing seriously is a recursive process. it can always be improved. that’s what i like about it. with painting or drawing, often if you go back in and add more, it can just get worse and worse. writing is more readily made better, i think. the more you add and subtract, the clearer it can become, whereas whenever i try and paint more and more, it all just becomes muddier. lol, i might just be a bad artist tho. totally possible/probable.

my sister messaged me, saying she loves/misses me. she still lives in sioux falls. i really miss her. i told her so, and also that it’s like the people you wanna see in life often seem to be the people you never see. i wish she didn’t live in south dakota, ’cause if i went to see her i would have to see my grandparents too. ugh i wish i could just let go of the anger and grudge i have for them. every time i go there, though, they just seem to give me more reasons to hold on to my resentment. i’m probably going to regret my avoidance of them one day. i already do when i think about the future.

i wish i were nicer. i swear at some point in life i was nicer. one day at a time.

 

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