time, hurry. heal my every wound

i haven’t been listening to any new music. i just listen to the same four depressed-sounding songs on repeat.

people don’t care about mental illness unless you are a threat to yourself or others. and even then it’s not real concern or empathy. it’s self interest. that’s fair tho. it’s not like i  wanna care about, for lack of a better word, neurotypical people. i’m not here to martyr myself on kindness that isn’t returned. i’m not that generous lately i guess.

last night was bad. i feel detached from everything right now. i’m not even real anymore.

the lady who lets me into my school building saw me crying on tuesday. i tried saying good morning to her yesterday but she just ignored me. i guess i’m a weirdo now who doesn’t deserve pleasant greetings.

the last presentations were done on thursday so i got out of my first class early and had to wait around for my next class. i waited for about an hour and by then my stupidity talked me into skipping my classes. i would rather be sleeping. sleep is the best. i’m not doing too great.

i may have been on a new path for a while but i think all the paths in my life lead to the same place.

i’m adrift in a sea of nothingness.

my mouth is dry and my mind is empty.

still no emails from my teacher.

i feel so out of it, i feel like if i let go of control even a little, i would be slurring my words.

i don’t want people to worry about me, but think they probably should worry. i know i worry about me.

last night was all tears and suicidal ideation. i’m just really scared. i don’t know why night bothers me so bad. i hate it. i actually dread the end of the day now. a bunch of my fears realized. feeling like i’m going to die alone in the big dark scary night world.

i don’t stop the train of thought tho i know it leads somewhere i don’t wanna go.

ah well.

my dad’s in playa del carmen, mexico. i’m jealous actually, a little. i wanna read by the ocean again. fall asleep, by the ocean. do nothing, by the ocean.

i had a dream once, where i was in the ocean near a rusty ladder sticking out of the water. there were icebergs in the distance. nearby there were orcas circling. i remember trying to climb the ladder but the rungs were too slippery. besides, it was a ladder to nowhere, stopping midair.

on tuesday i have finals.

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