yeah there’s no title, but it’s not a big deal, i tell myself, it’s just because i’m lazy.
i had an appointment with my therapist yesterday.
told her most of it, how i’ve been breaking down lately, a lot at night. how it’s been rough.
we talked a lot about suicide. lol, i doubt i would ever succeed in killing myself, or even break down enough to try again, but doesn’t mean i can’t dream.
i thought of something bad because of something she said. she talked about a funeral of a friend that had killed herself, and how she wished her friend could see how much she was loved.
but what use is that love? it’s easy to love someone who is gone, easy to preserve all the false, lies of memories of happier days. but i’m not happy, and it has tons to do with the people who supposedly love me. my mom, my dad, my siblings. none of them ever tried all that hard to reach me in this mess. tried to understand where i’m at in my head. the voices i hear, the voices that tear into me. they are their voices, all the hurtful things they have told me. that i’m a disappointment, an embarrassment, how i ruin everything. that i don’t even try. i don’t know… i’m just kind of stuck right now, not in the right frame of mind to see anything clearly. things kind of suck when they’re not sugarcoated. life is a bitter, bitter pill.
both my mom and my therapist asked me yesterday, separately, if i wanted to try tms again. i said no. i didn’t tell my mom that it was because i didn’t think it would help anything. i am at my wit’s end. i can’t figure out what will help anything, so i’m just trying to fly beneath the radar, go to bed early with a few pills in hand to help me sleep, and try not to fuck up my life too badly in the meantime. i have a doctor’s appointment coming up. my therapist said she was going to try to bump up my appointment with my psychiatrist. i groaned at that. like, what is she going to do? put me on another medication, that i have probably already tried? ugh i’m just a mess, and at this point, i doubt pills will help anything. maybe this is it? maybe this is just who i am, now and forever. whatever, i’ll keep going, grudgingly.