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yeah there’s no title, but it’s not a big deal, i tell myself, it’s just because i’m lazy.

i had an appointment with my therapist yesterday.

told her most of it, how i’ve been breaking down lately, a lot at night. how it’s been rough.

we talked a lot about suicide. lol, i doubt i would ever succeed in killing myself, or even break down enough to try again, but doesn’t mean i can’t dream.

i thought of something bad because of something she said. she talked about a funeral of a friend that had killed herself, and how she wished her friend could see how much she was loved.

but what use is that love?  it’s easy to love someone who is gone, easy to preserve all the false, lies of memories of happier days. but i’m not happy, and it has tons to do with the people who supposedly love me. my mom, my dad, my siblings. none of them ever tried all that hard to reach me in this mess. tried to understand where i’m at in my head. the voices i hear, the voices that tear into me. they are their voices, all the hurtful things they have told me. that i’m a disappointment, an embarrassment, how i ruin everything. that i don’t even try. i don’t know… i’m just kind of stuck right now, not in the right frame of mind to see anything clearly. things kind of suck when they’re not sugarcoated. life is a bitter, bitter pill.

both my mom and my therapist asked me yesterday, separately, if i wanted to try tms again. i said no. i didn’t tell my mom that it was because i didn’t think it would help anything. i am at my wit’s end. i can’t figure out what will help anything, so i’m just trying to fly beneath the radar, go to bed early with a few pills in hand to help me sleep, and try not to fuck up my life too badly in the meantime. i have a doctor’s appointment coming up. my therapist said she was going to try to bump up my appointment with my psychiatrist. i groaned at that. like, what is she going to do? put me on another medication, that i have probably already tried? ugh i’m just a mess, and at this point, i doubt pills will help anything. maybe this is it? maybe this is just who i am, now and forever. whatever, i’ll keep going, grudgingly.

3 thoughts on “

  1. I came across your blog randomly.
    I wanted to tell you that slowly with time our feelings fear and anxiety finds its own direction. I understand its not fair to feel so much but the only thing that works is to distract yourself with a sport or another thought positive one and mind you, you will have to force yourself to do that. The mind is now negative and will not leave its status quo bias (read about it). one day when you pass all these bridges you will see that it was a unnecessary but important and will make you your person in years to come but slowly when you live through all of it positively and take a heads on fight with yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for your thoughtful words. I was in a pretty dark place when I wrote this post, and was venting all the pent-up sadness that I have. I know what you mean about trying to distract myself with something positive, and how one has to force the positivity through a lot of the time. I fall into negative thinking a lot, but I think I’m getting better at recognizing when I’m distorting reality. I hope one day I can look back at the things I’m going through now and laugh. I already do that about certain things I’ve been through, so I can’t wait for what the future holds. I think it will all be worth it one day, or at least not seem to matter as much.

      Thank you again for commenting, it means a lot.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You will look back at things and not laugh but will feel having passed through everything as a winner. You right now don’t know that you are learning to deal with yourself. The most emotional ones have to learn that in their lives so as to be able to live better. Once you do that you will be able to keep your emotions and be happy as well at the same time. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

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