the trick is to act not just okay, but better than okay. aim for happy, upbeat. smile, laugh, make jokes. it’s easy once you get used to it. even if i’ve just been crying, cutting, thinking about suicide, i can go out and laugh enough, smile enough, lie enough so that nobody would ever suspect. i do warn though, it makes it feel worse, once you’re alone and you can let the mask fall. every friendship feels fake to me because it essentially is faked, by me, quite well. and then while i’m alone i just know that i’ve really always been alone.
last night sucked. night just sucks. i woke up over and over, until it felt like i spent more time trying to fall back asleep than actually sleeping.
ugh, i skipped class all last week. i suck. not to excuse it, i’ve just felt awful lately. i don’t know if this is just a depressive episode or i’m sick or a combination of the two, but i just feel like there’s nothing good in me right now and like nothing is worth doing. but i’m buckling down, doing all the work i have due tomorrow, and studying for the two tests i have tomorrow.
i ran into my stupid professor at work the other day and felt all bad and wrong for missing class a couple of days before. whoops.
easter is stupid. i did nothing for it. celebrations are dumb. being happy is a lie or a dream. i’m aiming for numb now. i’ve said it before, it’s better than this. lol i sound so bitter and sad it’s funny. this too shall probably pass.