why should i pretend that gravity will suddenly surrender?

i have a low-grade fever again. i don’t know what that’s about.

work was hectic today, lots of people shopping.

i work again tomorrow.

then class the next day, then work the next, then class again, then i have a day off. then i work and it all starts over. time is weird.

tonight mom and adam are out to eat, as adam wants to talk to mom about something alone, and brent and his son tanner went out to eat, and i don’t really wanna intrude..so i ate alone like a peasant. i’m cool with it, resigned to it tho.

last night was hard. night is always hard for me. it’s like my mind goes haywire in the silence, thinking every bad thought it can come up with. i try not to cry out loud, as it upsets lucy, lol.

i want so badly to reach out to people in my life on nights like last night, but i know they can’t help me. i don’t even know how to put into words how hopeless i felt. it scares me because it reminds me of that feeling i had years ago, when i tried halfheartedly to end it all, taking a bottle of meds and trying to sleep everything away. in the morning i felt so much more alone and ashamed and twisted up inside. lol, i remember feeling like a rusted up old wreck of metal, emotionally inanimate, aching with decay. lol i don’t know. i just remember the rust kind of feel, like i was being eaten away at by reality. feelings are as weird as time.

i have to figure out when i’m going to visit the hindu temple for my project, have to write a paper on an art museum visit, and i have to study and study until i know everything. i am going to an art museum on tuesday and have a test thursday, so that’s all set up. ugh everything goes so fast sometimes, and i’m so slow. i can’t keep up. or just barely can. everyone else makes it all look easy. how do they do it?

brent is doing his baseball draft thing on his laptop, and his commentary is annoying me. so i’m going to wind down, or up, whichever way whimsy takes me.✌️

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