up here in the air, i’m just mumbling at the clouds

the other night i had a really weird experience. i was laying in bed, falling asleep, on my back with my arms at my sides, when i felt this weird buzzing feeling in my head. then it escalated into this electric-jolt feeling through my head, and with my eyes closed there were these flashing lights. i kind of felt like i was dreaming, but i knew i wasn’t at the same time. it lasted around 10 seconds i think.

i remember trying to open my eyes, and my lids felt heavy and it felt like i had something in my eyes, ’cause my vision was blurred. then, a minute or two later, it happened again. this time was a bit worse/longer, and i remember my arms feeling tingly, like goosebumps, while my head felt like it had a current running through it.

the whole thing wasn’t painful, exactly, it was just kind of uncomfortable and unnerving. i felt really confused and disoriented after, though i’m pretty sure i fell asleep not long after this, lol. i don’t think it happened a third time, as i remember kind of waiting for it to happen and then maybe drifting to sleep. it wasn’t a startling experience at the time, but the next day i was wtf-ing all over the place trying to figure out what the hell happened.

soo i’m probs going to go to the doctor, though i don’t know what i’m going to say or they are going to do. i don’t like doctors, to say the least. it’s all about anxiety and control i guess.

well, i did go to urgent care, but that was just because i had a fever for a couple of weeks and my throat was sore and so on. got prescribed antibiotics, went home, it ws easy. but i’m still afraid of going to the doctor about my back and about that weird episode described above. i hate people touching me, i don’t like to be looked at closely, and i don’t like the idea of finding out there is something more wrong with me. i don’t wanna be told things i already suspect, even. the only thing i don’t really mind is having blood drawn. i’m morbidly fascinated by that part. the rest is just weird to me.

i’m not in a good mood today. everything is grating on me. on days like this, i seriously find myself hating everyone. my mom is a vitriolic person who walks all over everyone. my stepdad is an idiot, in every single sense of the word. i hate them both deeply and truly right now. and there are so many garbage human beings out there i’m just half-convinced the ideal lifestyle is some sort of celibate, hermit-like existence where all shopping is done online and families are something made up to make me want to kill myself. i don’t know. i’m just terrible today. but that’s just ’cause i was on the register for a few hours straight and i hate it so much i wanted to walk out. but i didn’t. life is about being proud of doing things you hate. and that is beautiful, they tell me. it is strength, they say. it’s a good thing.

there’s also this girl i work with who is annoyingly rude to me. it’s just little things, but they just wear away at me until i want to walk away from humanity as a whole. i’m an all or nothing person, what can i say? it’s a bad habit. when the only interactions you have with people all day are either completely neutral, or completely bad, it gets tiring. i am also thinking of deleting facebook for a while. it just depresses me. nobody talks to me, so i assume they don’t want to talk to me, so i don’t talk to them. instead, i observe their social lives play out in the form of pictures and little videos. and then i feel left out of some special clique of beautiful people, like i’m 14 again.

when i was 14, i basically forced my way into the “popular” clique. i figured if i sat with them at lunch and followed them around enough, they would just get used to me being around, and eventually not even remember a time without me. it worked surprisingly well. i got invited to birthdays and stupid little parties and did some fun stuff. though i don’t think they were great friendships. i was deeply lonely and anxious and sad most of the time. so pretty much like now. but i’m not sure if it’s healthy for one’s social life to feel like a social experiment, so i doubt i will try it again. people aren’t worth the effort, at least from what i know from being a person.

 

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