i ain’t circling ’round for saviors

i’m feeling really feverish and lo and behold i have a fever. i feel like pacing. in fact it’s like in my mind, i am pacing. and my face keeps making this sad/anxious expression, brow raised, worried.

what does sanity even feel like? is it like happiness, you only really notice it when it’s gone?

i wanna cry and laugh until every person in the room goes from surprise and concern to boredom, and finally leaves me. cuz really, i just wanna be alone. i don’t even wanna be with my self. my tattered shredded pathetic white flag of a self.

with the oversaturation of media, and endless consumption of various conflict coverage, i don’t know. i just wanna give up a lot. i’m constantly waving that stupid white flag, sometimes when there is not even a “real” fight. for some reason, i feel like a little stick figure endlessly falling, burning, or drowning, in a version of a physics simulation game like falling sand or burning sand or something like this game, circa 2007. yeah, i just spent a while sidetracked with that game. it’s a great game to spend a lot of time on, with nothing, or very little, to show for it. like minecraft. i’m really “good” at games like that.

i guess i still want to be an optimist about the world that has nothing to do with me. but it’s a half-assed hope, like: yeah, we’ll all probably survive, if we don’t die first. so not really hope at all, but humor. laughing is keeping me going. laughing and crying until every person in the room goes from surprise and concern to boredom, and finally leaves me.

 

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